topic Planning a healthier mind in Staying well

Planning a healthier mind

white knight — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 13:25:58 GMT

Seems so many projections are made for short medium and long term goals. We plan our careers, education, loans for houses, cars or holidays. Why is it that some of us don’t have any projections of where our mind will be in 5 or 10 years?

One answer could be that with our demons we live on hope and we live day to day. Hope that scars from our traumatic childhood will one day be conquered. Or maybe that you as one of several siblings was just the unlucky one with bipolar and that one day there will be a cure or it will…go away?

Perhaps you dream of your abusive parent paying you a visit one day out of the blue and offers a sincere apology that will fix everything from the next day onwards.?

It doesn’t seem realistic does it? So if you think the same as me, why aren’t we planning projections, goals, to our future mental health? We plan our physical fitness routine don't we?

It seems odd to me that with the one thing that stops us blending successfully into society, our mental stability, we live on hope but not extend our efforts of treatment to include our own long term plan.

So here goes? At what stage of your recovery from depression, anxiety, do you want to be in 2020? We have covered many times the fact that managing your illness rather than seeking a full recovery is more real saving us from disappointment and self loathing. So what projections can you give yourself for your hard work at researching your illness and improving yourself?

My goal is that by 2020 I will have a stable family relationship with all my selected family members. There are rocky ones in there that partially has been due to my moods and lack of patience. Patience isn’t on supermarket shelves but I can try when those people are around me to listen and make effort to care more. To express that to them directly. In terms of personal relationships I plan to be less outspoken and more tolerant.

My goal by 2025 (I’ll be 69yo) is to be rid of guilt for anything I’ve done to anyone that was unreasonable. Based on the fact that you cant undo the past and I am remorseful. This is not for others, this goal is for me, for my peace, for my worth as a man.

Part of being positive is to make plans that are achievable. To avoid being “stuck” in not advancing with your mental health, plan your mental well being as you would saving for a new car.

Goals daily, monthly, yearly, 10 years. you can improve. Fall down? get back up and plan again

Do you have a plan?

Tony WK

Planning a healthier mind

Guest_2350 — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 20:23:25 GMT

Hi Tony,

thank you for your post. You have really nice goals.

I am very confused at the moment and I think I would like to understand my illness better by 2020 and have learnt how to manage it, accept it and live with it. I would like to have accepted my new self. Is that a good goal when first being diagnosed? How old were you when you first got diagnosed?

Take care, Yggy

Planning a healthier mind

Elizabeth CP — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 22:38:52 GMT

Hi Tony, I believe goals are important to help you identify what is really important. For years I set/ review goals at the beginning of the year. This time seems to be a obvious time to remember to do it. My goals/ plans for my mental health have been short term mainly because I am unsure what will happen in the future & I am still learning what works for me. I took my list of goals to my psych this year & discussed them. He played devil's advocate questioning everything I had written. He knows me well & I could see what he was trying to achieve. This meant I had to stick up for myself & really clarify my reasons. The result was I was very clear about not just what my goal was & how I planned to achieve it but I was very clear why it was important to me. This helps me when I am tempted to give up. Although most of my goals appear practical rather than related to mental health the motivation is to help me mentally. For example I have specified the amount of time I will do housework but my reason is that this will normally be enough to keep the house clean & tidy so it is pleasant to be in & I can find things both important for me to feel OK but because housework can be never ending there is a danger that I spend too much time leaving no time to do other things which are important for me mentally & physically. I have other goals related to different aspects of my life but each have been formulated to help me improve my mental health. Everyone would have different goals but it is important to think about what works for you personally & not what you think other people expect. Another of my goals is to try different things to see what helps me because my situation has changed so much so I am still learning what helps & what hinders. This is similar to Yggy's goal of learning how to manage her condition.

Planning a healthier mind

Lost_Girl — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 02:27:25 GMT

I am a planner, I like to have goals and plans set out for years in front of me. I have always been good with adapting to changes and lifes ups and downs, however all of this has now changed.

Having a chronic illness and having depression prevent me from planning in advance. While I can have goals I am unable to make the structured plans to get there. My health is just too unpredictable.

What I can do is build up a toolkit of ways to manage my illness and help me cope better. My plan is to have the ultimate toolkit to dig into as needed on the way to achieving those goals. The toolkit is not just for me either but for my support network. They are now an integral part of any goals.

The goals themselves also change. The long term big ones are still there but I am having to create much smaller more obtainable ones that fit in the constraint of who I am now.

Planning a healthier mind

topsy_ — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 11:03:08 GMT

Gosh Tony, that is all so well thought out. It has never occurred to me to make mental health goals!

The thing I struggle with most is guilt. I've read things you have written about guilt before. You speak of making a decision not to feel guilty. I can understand your reasoning & how you plan to do it. But recognising your plan's validity & feeling forgiveness for myself are worlds apart.

I don't know how to do it. To forgive myself. I can forgive others but not myself. This lack of ability is independent of the black dog. I can't do it when I'm well either.

It mystifies me.

Lyn.

Planning a healthier mind

white knight — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 14:12:16 GMT

Thankyou all for replying

Yggy, I was first diagnosed at a ripe 47yo in 2003. But I had the illnesses of bipolar type 2, depression and dysthymia all my life. anxiety peaked at 31yo in 1987 but I was able to rid it by 2012 25 years later! Accepting yourself would be a major step IMO. Warts and all liking yourself is not easy. It involves convincing your mind that your positives are wonderful rather than just ok and your negatives are quite acceptable compared to others faults. So you'll need to get that into proper perspective as part of the process. I'd suggest, as I've done this myself over many years you don't expect too much of yourself with results and those results will come slowly but they will come. My process following my 1st wife's abuse of me over many years, was , to look into the mirror daily and praise myself. This was immediately after separation in 1996. It worked. Also discount others criticisms of you even better don't have those people around you.

Elizabeth. One of the best quotes I've adopted is "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations". I heard it first around 1980. Once that is set in concrete in your mind, you wont worry about achieving what others think you should achieve. You'll do just enough housework that is "reasonable" in your mind!. Remember, with housework, out of sight out of mind and people don't search under beds to see the fluff, nor reach up over the door surrounds to inspect the dust. Be reasonable or you'll torment your mind too much. Again perspective is the key.

Lost Girl, A toolkit. What a great idea. Maybe a folder with tabs on the pages- one could be "sadness" and "low mood" or "too energetic" or "anger" and what you have through your experience in the past have done to remedy the situation. now that's planning and a very good idea. I like your attitude.

Jyn, guilt...ouch, guilt is like worry, it produces very little gain. Worry helps with being more punctual for appointments IMO and little else. Guilt is like a self generated system of punishment. Guilt stops you from feeling happy more often and grounds away at you without remorse.

I have had lots of guilt. I found that the older get the less guilt I've had. eg in my younger life I've had punch ups, mainly in the prison system where I worked now 28 years ago. For a long time I felt guilt for some of it. But I now realise that these type of events happen with most young men. So I've let go and it feels good.

Tony WK

Planning a healthier mind

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 01:06:07 GMT

I used the example of housework as an example of the process I use to identify appropriate goals. My aim is to satisfy myself not keep up to anyone else's standards hence the time limit to reduce the risk of overdoing it. I try to be mindful of what I is helpful to me. I get stressed if I can't find things or have difficulty getting to things I need so regularly ensuring things are in the right place is important to me but I don't care if the contents of my cupboards are colour coordinated or look beautifully arranged. I find I feel better in pleasant surroundings so having a clean, tidy & attractive house is important but I don't have to have it spotless.

By being aware of what I am trying to achieve I am better able to prioritise when things are not ideal due to sickness or when very tired or there are other competing demands. For example when my family visited last Saturday with 5 young grandkids running around the place I chose to focus on enjoying my family knowing once they left it wouldn't take long to get the place back to an acceptable state.

One of my goals is to learn to make the best choice when there are competing needs which happens frequently for me. This also means learning to accept when I can't do things ideally

Planning a healthier mind

white knight — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 02:22:39 GMT

Hi Elizabeth.

I was responding to your comment "but because housework can be never ending there is a danger that I spend too much time leaving no time to do other things which are important for me mentally & physically."

So it seems from your latest reply you have the matter of balance (of your housework) at an ok level.

Tony WK

Planning a healthier mind

Just Sara — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 03:45:15 GMT

Thanks for this thread Tony WK!

Planning for me is easy in my head LOL! But when I open my eyes to reality, it sometimes bites. Elizabeth bought up something for me and that's dealing with competing priorities. Decision making has been so difficult since my brain broke.

My mental health? I rarely think of anything else. I'm always on the lookout for something to ease the discomfort or a 'cure'. Planning wise, well, I don't think I've ever looked at the future that way before. Up until now it's been getting through each day unscathed. I just spoke with my sister who's a drug and alcohol worker. Her advice was; "Plan for the future by aiming towards your values and beliefs, and don't forget that life is about doing as well as being. Mind and body working together" I thought this was great advice.

Cheers...Dizzy x

Planning a healthier mind

white knight — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 03:55:47 GMT

Dizzy, your sister is so right.

We can think and think and put little into practice. So our long journey to recovery is a multi pronged approach.

Eg. Acknowledge

Gp psych, meds

Learning the theory

Adapting the theory to ourselves

Putting it into practice.

Support to gain confidence for ongoing growth.

Accepting and allowing ourselves to faulter

And so on.

You are indeed advancing dizzy. Well done

Tony wk

Planning a healthier mind

Elizabeth CP — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 22:39:14 GMT

Hi Dizzy & Tony, I think Dizzy's sister's advice of aiming to your beliefs & values is important. Accepting & acknowledging are important. I try to write my list of goals each year but I will add things when I think of them. This works for me as I then know I won't forget about it so I don't have to worry about it particularly things I want to achieve but I can't do right now. This is part of the acknowledging that this is important but accepting that I'm not in a position to address it now. This takes pressure off me. Recently I went through a particularly stressful time. My psychologist encouraged me to accept that I was very tired & very stressed so pushing myself to do most of the things I would normally do was counterproductive. My short term goal needed to be to allow myself time to rest & to try things which may be helpful to see what helped me feel more rested & less stressed. By allowing my body & mind the best chance to cope with the stress I was under & then recover hopefully I will be in a better position to move forward with my other goals.

Tony mentioned faltering. I think that means being prepared to try things that may help while accepting they might not. In my case I tried some different meds for 2 months but have stopped because I think they made me worse. Rather than regretting trying & failing it is better to say I tried & now I know it didn't work so I can move on.

Planning a healthier mind

Just Sara — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 02:22:59 GMT

Hi Elizabeth;

After reading through your post, I felt the pressure you must be putting yourself under by having long term goals set each year. Goals need action plans including assessing and evaluating outcomes etc. It's a lot of work, especially if you're trying to achieve as much as you can. I make daily lists if I'm overwhelmed just to remember to attend to each one. I cross them off as I go. I do have long term goals, but I call it a 'wish list'. Then the pressure isn't so big. My priorities are centred around my mental health and have been for a few years. That's why I found this thread interesting.

Tony WK made me look at just how much of my life is planned in the short term and always with my mental health in mind. So what I did was try acceptance of my limitations and 'accept' I may never be the person I once was. When I did this, my future took on a whole new light. If I can't create what I used to want, then I need to ask myself what is important to me now. Well, as it turns out, I have much more time to concentrate on the creative me. I've spent so long trying to fix rational and wounded me, I forgot how much I love to create beauty and colour and, I'm good at it.

Living alone tends to create daily routines around the basics. Especially worrying about money. Yesterday I went shopping and found some woven grass mats. I thought how great they'd look woven together to make a large wall hanging. Each one cost 78 cents. I'm creating a 'peaceful' space for myself on my back deck. It's a Balinese inspired motif. Today I found some reasonably priced large tropical leaves.

I know Tony talks about long term plans, but for me, each day I create is an investment in my future anyway. It'll take care of itself if I look after me in the now.

Cheers...Dizzy x

Planning a healthier mind

white knight — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 10:03:54 GMT

Hi ladies

Short medium and long term plans are all important, for sure. I often mention the need for long term plans only because most people don't have them.

Daily projects, hobbies etc especially cheap ones are great as you exercise your own unique flair, creativity. For me its a major hell for mental illness as it diverts our most nds from our issues.

Planning a healthier mind

blondguy — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 16:10:16 GMT

Hi Tony

Another positive thread but after having had severe anxiety since 1983 and have succeeded in getting 'out of that bad place' the depression is with me and I just find it a bit easier to cope with it on a day to day basis combined with a positive outlook for the future.

I do 'get it' though where you are coming from and it makes good sense too. I just see the word 'goals' as too corporate and unrealistic....just for my own mental illness of course..I liked what Jeff Kennett said when he was asked how he felt....he always responded with "I saw the ceiling when I woke up....I am doing okay"

Goals are vital though if people are stuck 'in a rut' as you mentioned....as having something to aim for is reaching out and productive to enabling the healing process.

Anyhoo...thats just my 'angle' on it from the level of my depression Tony

Kind Thoughts my friend

Paul

Planning a healthier mind

Elizabeth CP — Sun, 01 May 2016 05:48:36 GMT

I have always been goal orientated even as a young child. I remember waiting desperately to be old enough to go to school & then trying so hard to learn to read. Each time I reached a goal I would be focusing on the next. As a teenager I would get in trouble by my parents for studying too hard & not making time for fun things. My parents wanted me to succeed but not to burn out. I am now rying to use my goals to help me rather than to push me in a way that is harmful. Being aware of why I am doing things helps me. For example last week was good weather & my husband was well so we went away & did some walks. Knowing how important it is to do things with my husband when he is able to meant I could prioritise this and accept that going away was more important than the list of jobs needing doing on the house. It is not the end of the world if they are put off whereas I would be upset if I delayed doing things with my husband & his condition worsened again so we couldn't go later.

Paul I think that we attach certain meanings to words like goals so for you it feels negative whereas for me it is positive, In some cases my goals remain the same from year to year because some things work so my'goal'is to continue that behaviour. Why change something that I am happy with. Other things I change as they no longer work or I want to try doing something better.

Planning a healthier mind

Moonstruck — Sun, 01 May 2016 06:37:54 GMT

I maybe lacking "ambition" or something...I seem to be on a different tack than those who have "goals"....particularly "long term"....I haven't really analysed why this is (from my own perspective and knowledge of myself)....but the concept isn't for me I don't think...(perhaps I am lazy)...anyway....I read and heard a concept recently that for some reason really resonated with me...for those of us struggling, struggling, trying to reach "that goal"..it said to "Just Let Go Of The Oars"....i.e. stop madly "paddling upstream" towards "goals" that take so much of our precious energy.....another sentence reinforced this for me .it was...

"Nothing you want is upstream".....in other words...just relax and let the stream of life carry you downstream instead.....

....just another point of view..(works for me).......PS. very interesting thread....

Planning a healthier mind

white knight — Mon, 02 May 2016 08:39:05 GMT

Monstruck, with goals particularly long term, we shouldn't have any urgency towards them. Just be aware of them and aim your opportunities at them. Eg, a long term goal could be a country retreat. When the selling market rises dramatically then bring forward your long term goal.

Planning your life is a sensible thought process. But it should not be at the expense of raised anxiety or delayed recovery.

Paul, I've noticed some words like goals have a negative effect on you. You will need to replace them to suit your own situation. Eg I have a thing about manner. I'm so sensitive that peoples tone of voice can set me off. My wife I'd continually reminding me to react to the words not the tone as tone is easily misread.

If one has had goals put to them and those goals aren't achievable then goals will be a nasty word.

Cheers my friend

Tony WK

Planning a healthier mind

Moonstruck — Tue, 03 May 2016 04:37:19 GMT

I think you may be right there White Knight.....with the word "goal" possibly having a negative connotation with some folk...e.g. myself included...it means to me...."ambition, struggle, try, win" and similar.

Not to say I am happy to drift aimlessly along in life..taking whatever it (or others) dish up to me passively, expending no energy nor responsibility for my future...not at all (and I can only speak for myself here)...the words that resonate better with me in this regard seem to be..."desire, aim, inspiration, imagination, discover, dream" and so on.

For some reason..."goal" seems to generate a negative reaction in me..others obviously thrive on it though... interesting thread, this one........

Planning a healthier mind

blondguy — Tue, 03 May 2016 14:36:20 GMT

Hey Tony...you are spot on and I appreciate your clarification too...I never really looked at the word 'goals' in the same way as you or LizCP do....I do respect what and how your logic but I have had goals for many many years and am somewhat bored (and yes probably negative too) with setting them. I probably use/internalize an alternative inside myself that just tells me to do the best I can with the task at hand in the moment.

I watched my big brother John being set goals by my 'father'....to be a doctor....to be a nuclear physicist....my big brother passed away at 24 through self termination when I was 22.

I have since tried so very very hard to tell my 'father' that it takes a lot more talent to be a dad and anyone can be a 'father'. Its probably more personal for me but I just cant acknowledge the word goals anymore after John passed.

I do get it though Tony....and thankyou for understanding me as much as you do

Good post though 🙂 Its important and healthy to have things that we can achieve in life

Paul

Planning a healthier mind

Elizabeth CP — Tue, 03 May 2016 22:35:32 GMT

Hi Paul, What Tony is talking about are personal goals. This means goals or whatever you call them need to be what you determine matters to you NOT what anyone else decide you should do. I can't understand parents dictating what their children should do re career. Encourage, suggest, discuss but not dictate. I used to walk out of the house while my children completed their application for university courses telling them I wanted them to choose what they wanted & I didn't want them to try to fit in with what they thought I wanted them to do.

I recently read an article about the importance of purpose in our life. We need to find what we are passionate about or really want & keep that in mind as we go through life. The article used an example of two sports people. In both case sport was their passion & purpose in life. One retired from his team but became a coach so he was able to stay true to his purpose. The other stopped due to injury but rather than finding another way to stay true to his purpose turned to substances abuse to cope thus starting a negative cycle. I remember my mother's purpose seemed to be her family. She became very disabled & eventually needed a wheelchair as she couldn't walk. As her condition progressed she found different ways to retain meaningful interaction with her family members. She could still cuddle her grandkids, tell them stories & listen to them. I think this is a useful idea as keeping in mind what matters to us & then working out how to adapt as our circumstances change should have a positive effect on our mental health.