topic The best praise you'll ever get in Staying well

The best praise you'll ever get

white knight — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 07:06:03 GMT

Imagine, you are standing in front of two lines of people and you run between them. They pat your back and sing your praises..."good on your".."congratulations"..."well done". And the line goes for about 50 metres. At the end of it you turn around and you see in their eyes how proud they all are of you. You take a deep breath. "Made it" you mumble. For this is likely the ultimate joy of praise.

Then there is the opposite- Humility. To do deeds with the full intent of NOT seeking praise.

If you have low self esteem you are likely to enjoy praise to lift your mood and endeavours. And I think those reading these posts are more likely to have low self esteem than not.

The problem with praise is, 1/ others have to notice your good deeds before you'll even look like you'll get any 2/ what if others are not around to see it 3/ some people will never praise anyone.

I like praise. I like being accepted. I seek to be accepted. In fact if I don't get a lot of good vibes from a visitor I say to my wife later "I don't think she likes me". Such is the result of very low self esteem and a BPD mother that I could never please as a child or adult. I accept that. I've moved on. But the fallout stays.

Over recent years I've come to realise my short term memory is failing. So I've resorted to the idea of talking aloud to myself. "Tea, pies, sugar and soap". If said aloud I'll have a better chance of remembering those grocery items. Then it occurred to me to say out loud the praise I would like from others- to myself. Now, this was quite amusing to my good neighbour when he heard "well done Tony, you good man you, make sure you dig that garden like that next time...what a man". I had to assure my neighbour all was well...that it was an experiment I was doing...

Sometimes in life we cant rely on other people to help us. We are born alone and we will die alone. In between we depend on others for a lot of things. With mental illness we depend a lot more. Self praise is one thing we can try to do alone. And with proper technique and consistency we will succeed in at least feeling better and growing our confidence.

Just be wary of your neighbours......

Tony WK

The best praise you'll ever get

Trish_M — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 06:25:03 GMT

Hi Tony WK,

Your post really resonated with me. I am often my own worst enemy and yet if I look at myself in total, I am just as amazing, talented and flawed as everyone else. I love your idea of giving yourself positive praise and feedback, I will definitely give it a try. For most of today, I have been comfortable in my own skin, has it been the beautiful Spring weather? Have I rested and not taken on too much? Have I eaten well and taken good care of myself? Is it the gentle exercise that I partook of? Was it being able to say "No" to something I really didn't want to do even though I worried about the other person's response? Who knows. Just for now, this moment I am ok and feeling well. And guess what? The blackness and despair of 2 weeks ago really didn't last forever!

Thank you for your post.

Kindest regards,

Trish M.

The best praise you'll ever get

white knight — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 06:43:47 GMT

Hi Trish M

Thankyou also for replying. Makes my day.

We shouldn't analyse too much as to the whys and hows. I know we do, that's why I'm a worrier.

I have a (not so close) friend. She is so bubbly and is so happy all the time, everytime I see her. I am puzzled as to how someone can be consistently happy, smiling laughing and joking....all the time. In fact I had recently started to wonder if she was deliberately being "over the top" for othe reasons eg putting on a show. But for two years now she has been the same. We are on Facebook together and I've observe this happiness in her to see if there is a flawed day, nope, not one. Then recently another person posted a very negative post to others in general. Several people replied including a person inviting this happy friend to respond. Her reply - "I just shovel all the negative stuff aside, doesn't mater who it comes from, I'm after fun, excitement and I love giggling...so sorry guys I aint gunna get into this one".

This 100% bubbly personality would only frustrate me when and if I was in a down mood in her company. Why? Because as a friend there should be times when you can have a heart to heart about issues you have. But then I thought...hang on a minute...those are my problems not hers. Just that I've grown to believe friends should share their struggles. And I'm doubtful not that we should expect that.

So, I've learned. That friends can come in many styles. Some you can share your hurdles with others you cant. And even this happy bubbly friend might need me one day if tragedy struck.

Anyway back to your last sentence. Yeh, it seems so long ago just a few days since you left your black hole. Prevention is better than cure hence my post. Praising yourself aloud, rewarding yourself is but one positive thing you can do towards that prevention to keep that black dog away. You deserve that pat on your back.

Consider it has come your way from me. Take care

Tony WK

The best praise you'll ever get

MisterM — Tue, 13 Oct 2015 10:47:54 GMT

I struggle accepting praise, I don't know why, perhaps my low self esteem.
Like after I play one of my songs live, if someone tells me that was good or they like my song, I feel it is not genuine from them.

The best praise you'll ever get

Gyspy_pom — Mon, 26 Oct 2015 05:34:11 GMT

Hi MisterM,

I understand completely the lack of trust in other people, especially those who praise you. (Coming from someone who is always pretending to believe praise}

Do you look at the people who are listening to your music?, it usually shows when someone is impressed, even a little. Our own intuition suffers when self-esteem is not as it should be but I think deep down you know if your music is good. I figure that it may help if you really think about whether you like the song. If so, you can't possibly be the only one. 🙂

Am new here so I hope you will forgive my forwardness.

The best praise you'll ever get

MisterM — Mon, 26 Oct 2015 06:55:13 GMT

Hi Gypsy-pom,

I can't tell as I am blinded by lights on the stage as I perform live haha.
I guess if they are focused on me then it's a good sign.
I think people have ulterior motives for praising me, paranoia.
Thank you for replying.

The best praise you'll ever get

topsy_ — Sun, 03 Apr 2016 01:47:45 GMT

Hi Tony,

I was directed to this topic from another thread. I think this sounds like really good advice but I have one question - what did you mean by "proper technique"?

As to your neighbour overhearing you - it reminds me of a funny incident of my own. I talk to my little foxie when I'm here alone. This particular day I went shopping & after looking at some things I was interested in, I began talking to my dog as I walked away - only she was still at home!! I was so embarrassed & quickly looked around to see if there were people near. It amuses me no end now though.

I'm not sure if this thread will still be read but here's hoping.

Cheers Lyn.

The best praise you'll ever get

white knight — Sun, 03 Apr 2016 13:56:41 GMT

Hi Lyn,

Yes its likely I will read it because when you reply this thread then goes to the top of the list of new posts. Then I'll realise it is one of my threads I've written and read your reply.

I don't know where you got the "proper technique" from. It could have been in the last thread you read that referred you to this thread because I cant see it written here.

By the way, I have a pure bred mini Foxie (Miss Rosie) and she is adorable. She is 4yo.

Tony WK

The best praise you'll ever get

topsy_ — Sun, 03 Apr 2016 23:49:56 GMT

Hello Tony,

Thanks for replying. "And with proper technique...."

Its the 6th sentence in the last paragraph of the first post in this topic.

I think this idea is great & I thought if there is a proper way to do it, I'd better find out. My mother always told me if there was a right & a wrong way to do something then I'd always do the wrong way first!!

I hope you have a great day Tony. Cheers, Lyn.

The best praise you'll ever get

white knight — Mon, 04 Apr 2016 05:11:57 GMT

Hi Lyn,

Arh...saw it. "Proper technique" could have been better worded by using the word "determination" or a positive attitude. And talking aloud which, isn't what some believe (the first signs of insanity) lol.

In all of us is a fighter. Some think not but there is one, maybe buried deeper in some than others. This fighter needs to be tapped by those with low self esteem. So when we stare into the mirror and say audibly "you are a good woman Lyn, you deserve happiness and stability in your life. You will not be put down without a defense and you wont feel guilty for defending yourself"... you can clench your fists, grit your teeth and be really determined for your words to sink in. Or you could say the words and then go about your daily business and it wont have the desired effect.

Many years ago when I left the warder job in a jail I tried insurance selling. I thought I was a positive thinker until I met Bill. Bill gave us a lecture in motivation (you can google it - "Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue" ) Prior to that address I was no where near the positive man I could be. I didn't realise my potential to change my approach to life.

So, in answer to your question, there isnt much special about "proper technique" just make sure you are maximising your potential to improve and grow your own confidence. We have to counter our previous poor influences thrusted upon us. This is one way to do so.

regards Tony WK

The best praise you'll ever get

Elizabeth CP — Mon, 04 Apr 2016 09:44:15 GMT

I think this is very true.

My suggestion is to consider your goal & then measure your success based on the goal & your knowledge of your challenges, abilities. An example someone just laughed at me typing on the computer with one finger. Rather than getting offended I remembered my failure at learning to touch type despite really trying & practicing. My attitude is Í;m doing very well being able to type on the computer given my lack of talent. I have been able to type all my assignments when I went to uni & can do anything I need on the computer therefore I'm doing very well. I don't need to touch type. In other words I measure my success based on my goal (being able to type what I need) not on other people's abilities.

My psych once told me to stop & look back at what I had achieved. (I still need to work on this) The idea was to consciously recognise how well you've done but not comparing yourself to others

The best praise you'll ever get

topsy_ — Mon, 04 Apr 2016 10:03:46 GMT

Thank you Tony & Elizabeth,

I understand the process. However -

1. I never look at myself in a mirror. I don't want to see that awful, bad, ugly person there.

& 2. Even if I said & heard those things, I just don't accept they describe me. I would be listening to myself lie.

Thanks anyway.

The best praise you'll ever get

Elizabeth CP — Mon, 04 Apr 2016 23:37:29 GMT

Hi Lyn, I believe praise needs to be believable whether from yourself or others. Looking at yourself in the mirror & saying you look lovely when you really think you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards is not going to work. Recently I was feeling very unfit following an injury. Every time I went for a walk or did something physical I was exhausted & felt like I'd never improve. I set a goal to walk each day. I started with a very short walk which I knew I could manage. Each day I added a very small amount to my walk until I reached an amount I was comfortable with. By telling myself Í did better than yesterday & noting I was sticking to my goal it helped me. I couldn't disagree with myself because I was doing better each day. By choosing something meaningful to you & setting yourself up for success you can then point out to yourself what you have done right. It may be something simple like I will wash the dishes each night. Then when they are done tell yourself that you did well getting the dishes done even when you are feeling depressed & unmotivated. Obviously I am only giving examples you will know what is relavent to you in your circumstances.

The best praise you'll ever get

white knight — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 03:15:42 GMT

Hi,

Well done Elizabeth, we are engrossed within our own abilities. One finger typing is typing none the less. It might take you longer but the person laughing at you taking more time might waste time in front of a poker machine where you might not ever use one etc. I can recall when I worked for Telstra on a computer. My trainer kept telling me "keep looking a the screen while you type" as I was not spelling words correctly. 26 years alter I still cant look at the screen while typing....it isn't within my ability. Who cares?

Dear Yellownanna, I know where you are at even though I haven't had that low a self esteem. Keep reading, keep going. What ever your reasons for being so low with confidence, keep moving forward even a little bit. I've got a couple of threads I hope they help- (google)

"Topic: motivation, search and rescue it- beyondblue"

"Topic: confidence, how do you get it?- beyondblue"

"Topic: defending yourself, don't be an easy target- beyondblue"

"Topic: your secret for mind control- beyondblue"

Glad you are here yellownanna.

Tony WK

The best praise you'll ever get

white knight — Sat, 06 Aug 2016 11:28:32 GMT

I looked in the mirror this morning and realised I have been telling myself aloud for 20 years than I'm a good person.

It works.

Do you tell yourself you are worthy if happiness?

Tony WK

The best praise you'll ever get

Lost_Girl — Sat, 06 Aug 2016 14:07:08 GMT

Hi,

I think people have different opinions on what defines a good person. In old school methods behaviours defined a person. People would say for example "you're clever" or "you're smart" and a child would grow up believing that is an integral part of who they are. Then if they failed at a job how are they meant to feel because they are smart. The more modern day thinking says that instead of saying that we should say "you work hard therefore you're achieving great results". Later if things don't go so well we can say well perhaps you need to work harder or work differently.

So too we now talk about the behaviour being bad not the child. We don't say "you're a naughty girl", we say "I love you, you are a good girl but I don't like this behaviour". It allows us to focus on the behaviour not the person.

In Lyn's example of her mother saying, "If there's a right way or a wrong way to do something I'll always do the wrong way first". Lyn should have been encouraged because one of the best ways to learn is from mistakes and from taking risks.

My point. I have come across a lot of people in the threads who are letting a behaviour they had in the past define who they are now. They label themselves as bad when in fact it may just be they made some wrong choices. It doesn't define who you are now. I made mistakes in the past but I know they are in the past and my behaviour then doesn't define me now.

I don't tell myself I deserve happiness everyday but I do seek it out.

I tell myself that I am kind and caring and I try to live by that by being that way to people at every opportunity. Then at the end of the day I can ask myself, "have I been kind and caring?" I can answer yes to that. I ask my kids the same question. Happiness seems to befall kind and caring people.

Since I have become ill I have had so many people caring for me, sending gifts, checking in regularly, offering to help. It was amazing to see all the kindness.

Perhaps Lyn you could start fresh. Be kind and caring and ask that of yourself each night to build up confidence. It wouldn't be a lie then.

"Have I been kind and caring today? Yes. Kind and caring people deserve happiness".

Forget the past. It is how you act today and every day after that counts.

Carol

Re: The best praise you'll ever get

Candice5 — Thu, 25 May 2023 00:38:08 GMT

Thanks TonyWK

Great post, going to give self praise a go today