topic I'm Still Here! in Staying well

I'm Still Here!

Just Sara — Fri, 22 Apr 2016 23:55:48 GMT

Last night I wrote what was in my heart; here it is to share with you all.

I grieve for the little girl I once was and my broken heart; my pain and disappointment from rejection and abandonment. Still waiting for the memories to heal and fade; acknowledging her at long last, she is me. No longer lost in frozen time, pictures of days gone by. I weep the tears of a torrent; washing away the shit and filth. No more cries for help - be still now child, for I am finally here.

I have challenged the system! The old ways and their familial patterns passed down from womb to womb. I grieve my broken body, broken dreams and wishes whispered in prayer. I never asked for a pony, I never asked for fame, I never asked for a path of gold; all I wanted was to be heard and believed, then held in warmth of mother's arms.

Behind my blue eyes and wrinkled skin, my heart still beats with passion and spirit. Filling my veins with life; I'm still here! I am deserving of love, respect and protection - all in abundance. I give these things to myself first and foremost. I forgive my sins and recompense myself for the sins of others. I'm still here! Mind and body together at last.

Life and love to all...Dizzy xx

I'm Still Here!

topsy_ — Sun, 24 Apr 2016 07:36:59 GMT

Hi Dizzy

Thank you so much for writing & sharing from your heart. You have touched me deeply. Your words describe my childhood years. I will treasure your writing in my soul.

Thank you again, Lyn.

I'm Still Here!

Just Sara — Sun, 24 Apr 2016 16:33:25 GMT

Thankyou Lyn; lovely words and I accept them gratefully. I love writing; it's nice to have feedback, especially something so heartfelt.

Again...thankyou;

Dizzy x

I'm Still Here!

geoff — Sun, 24 Apr 2016 18:15:40 GMT

dear Dizzy, you're written a lovely peace of how you feel and I'm sure there would be many of us who would just love to tucked up under Mum's arms, bearly being able to put your own arms around her but cuddling into her belly and feeling the strength and support that we always felt and always running up to her when you are crying and then getting the security and warmth you so longed for. Geoff. x

I'm Still Here!

White_Rose — Sun, 24 Apr 2016 20:25:33 GMT

Dear Dizzy

You have travelled a long way to find this peace and I rejoice with you and for you.

Thank you for sharing your journey and joy. I believe these stories of wellness will inspire others to keep going on their journey to find themselves.

Mary

I'm Still Here!

Just Sara — Mon, 25 Apr 2016 06:02:48 GMT

Thankyou Geoff and Mary;

My mother was one of my abusers and; that's what I prayed for. That one day she would 'show' me love and kindness. But her course words and insensitivity kept her at bay. It was my grandmother who compensated for her. What you wrote Geoff was my Nanna. Her love and hugs gave me solace from the chaotic world that was our home. But she too lived among the unpredictability and violence. It took her at age 59. My grief was epic and at 15 I didn't have the skills to cope.

I'm learning to hug and love myself. It challenges me some days more than others. But transition isn't an overnight sensation. I'm in it for the long haul.

Mary...you have bought up a subject that is dear to me. I've wanted to help others my whole life, but gave too much of myself away. So I hid from the world. Your words remind me there are other ways to contribute. I've worked so hard to combat this illness and the results show my dedication to 'me'.

As I said; "I'M STILL HERE!" Finally my head and heart are together once more. I didn't opt for the so called 'easy' way out. And you know what? This forum helped me to keep going.

I so appreciate people who give feedback. I've been feeling a bit lonesome of late and your words help.

Much appreciation...Dizzy x

I'm Still Here!

topsy_ — Mon, 25 Apr 2016 09:01:52 GMT

Hi Dizzy,

My mum was one of my abusers too. All I ever wanted was her love. She would tell my brother how much she loved him but never me. She told me she loved me for the first time on her 80th birthday. By then it was way too little way too late.

I am so grateful for your post above. It will help me enormously.

Take care, Lyn.

I'm Still Here!

geoff — Mon, 25 Apr 2016 23:10:08 GMT

hi Dizzy, and all those that have posted as well.
My parents were both good, I have no real complaint about them at all, except that I didn't know anything about the 'birds and bees' until I was dating my first love and married her for 25 years, because she told me, and Dad was a GP, but Mum was always a person who I could go up to if I wanted or needed a cuddle, she was lovely, but Dad never told me 'I love you' and it was only until I was walking out to the car with him from seeing Mum in the nursing home that I said to Dad that I loved him, and he then returned the compliment, this then set the trend and was then said every time we talked.
Life is so strange at times, when we don't expect something it happens, but when we hope it will happen and it doesn't then disappoints us. Geoff. x

I'm Still Here!

Just Sara — Tue, 26 Apr 2016 09:57:37 GMT

You know, since starting this thread and seeing my psychologist today, things have been insightful, yet disturbing. As I type my head is whirling and thoughts are fragmented and confusing. I know this is a transition and a journey, but why doesn't my old self give me just another day of feeling as if I've accomplished something important before challenging my new resolve?

The little girl I speak of; little me is a mighty powerful influence. I guess giving a child a well deserved hug is necessary for them to know they're loved, but when they act out or have a tantrum, I've never really known what works better. I punish myself because that's normal. Looking after me doesn't come naturally.

How do I convince myself it's ok to lose weight? I need to for my health, but the bond I made with food began when I was born so preemie. The nurses pumped me full of high calorie formula so I'd put on weight to live. When I finally got home 10 weeks later, all and sundry put something in my mouth every-time I opened it; to cry, laugh or whatever. "A fat baby's a healthy baby!" they'd say. It became my love. Hmm...food became my love; it was my hugs and good feelings when I didn't know how to feel.

This takes addiction to a whole new level. I thought I was just weak. When I was 'stolen' from my grandfather and big brothers, food was a connection to them.

I have to think more about this. I'm confused and emotional. Thank you all for your contributions...Dizzy x

I'm Still Here!

topsy_ — Tue, 26 Apr 2016 10:29:44 GMT

Hi Dizzy,

I just want to send you my best wishes along with a great big hug. I'm sorry you feel so churned up after seeing your psychologist. It doesn't feel great but I guess it's to be expected. We have so much to sort through & a lot of it isn't easy. The end goal is worth it though.

Maybe you could "let go" of the loosing weight bit just for a while. I know the medical profession & the media are always on about how obese we all are, but in a way, that's my point. It's not just you & me who are overweight. So we really shouldn't be seen as abnormal.

I would deal with some of the other "stuff" first & think about losing weight later. I lost 20kg on the Optifast diet but I've put 10kg back on over 2 years. I've been comfort eating & I know that's unhelpful but I'm still doing it!

If there is any way in which I could help you please don't hesitate to ask. I was blest with a wonderful Nanna too. I don't know what would have become of me if she hadn't been there.

Take care Dizzy & be gentle with yourself, Lyn.

I'm Still Here!

Just Sara — Tue, 26 Apr 2016 22:40:04 GMT

Good morning Lyn;

I appreciate your kind words and advice. It isn't so much being normal weight, it's having my knee's and ankles able to support me. I've had arthritis for many years now and just had a knee replacement. So my weight is more important than ever.

I guess what struck me last night when I was typing, was the realisation I 'bonded' with food at a very young and vulnerable age because I never bonded with my mother. The only contact I had in the humid crib was to be fed, bathed and changed; or to have my medical needs met. I nearly died a few times and was given the 'last rights'. When I arrived 'home', it was at my Pop's house. I bonded with everyone there except my birth mother because she was still in hospital with kidney problems.

My issue is; feeling like I'm dying when I think about or start to change my eating habits. I never understood why until last night. Not only is food my source of nutrients, it's been there as a replacement for love and normality. If I'm in a relationship and feel loved and safe, I lose weight. If the relationship goes pear-shaped, I overeat and begin to put on weight.

I guess "I'm still here" takes on a whole new meaning. I survived an horrific birth, and at that time my mum wasn't married and was just 17. The whole 'bonding' issue covers other aspects of my life. My Nanna taught me to smoke and would give me one here and there when we were out or at home alone. TV became my friend when I was taken away from my Pop's house. My parents weren't the type to play with a small child and worked 3 jobs. The list goes on.

I never felt as if I fit in anywhere, even jobs. I understand now I grieved the loss of my 'first' family. It's complex and tragic. But what it has done, is help me understand who I've become and what obstacles there are to overcome.

As with you, my Nan was the light that shone in our home, not only for me but for my sisters as well. Her passing affected us all very deeply. I have a relationship with my Mum, and as Geoff said, I also told her I loved her each time I saw her as did my little sister. Eventually she came around and we haven't looked back. We hug and kiss and say "I love you". But I'm still aware of her propensity for abusive behaviour.

This thread and each post has been so important for me. Knowing I'm heard, and being acknowledged. My heart and soul will forever be grateful...Dizzy x