topic Do you forgive? in Staying well

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Sat, 14 Nov 2015 05:34:40 GMT

Feeling hesitant about writing this and little scared of what people will think about me, a fear of being rejected I think. Well here goes.

Just today I have been thinking about forgiveness, forgiving the people who hurt us, let us down, or bring us pain in any other way. And I think forgiving actually helps us.

So what I aim to do, as a strategy to get rid of bitterness from within me is to:

1. Grap an apple or a potato from the kitchen.

2. I am off to see what I have got, yeah I have an apple that is going soft.

3. Write on the apple or whatever you have chosen " I forgive you" and draw a smiley face, that is what I did, and it is looking right back at me now.

4. Think of that person that has hurt you, and say I forgive you....... for hurting me.

5. And then I will go to the ocean, because I live near there. Walk down to the waves, and use all my physical strength and throw the apple as far as a can. "Just let in go"

Note: If anyone tries this strategy from beyond blue, and I come across an apple on the beach. I will toss it back in for you.

Not sure of the outcome of this strategy yet, but I will keep you posted if you would like.

Also if you are not near an ocean, maybe you could choose a paddock.

OK going to post this now, still scared of what people will think of me."Rejection"

Do you forgive?

White_Rose — Sat, 14 Nov 2015 11:03:33 GMT

Dear Shelley Anne

That's a brilliant action. Forgiveness is so difficult but so good for us. Forgiveness is about letting go and moving on instead of becoming bitter and sour nursing old grudges when we have forgotten what they really were about.

I have had a number of discussions about forgiveness and I think there is a post on this topic somewhere on one of the forums. Yes. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/permalink/qc9bsHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A It's interesting if short.

Or try https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/permalink/qfcTvXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

There are various opinions on forgiveness. The person should ask for forgiveness, they should atone in some way, they should deserve it. Surprisingly not many people feel that forgiveness is about the person who was harmed. It is difficult when you are experiencing hurt to put it to one side and carry on. I think this one of the benefits of therapy, being able to talk about a hurtful experience or situation until we have talked it out of our systems. Forgiveness is then much easier and the result for us is much greater peace of mind and energy as we do not need to continually agonise over the past.

Also by hanging on to hurt we are giving the perpetrator a great deal of power over us. That person controls what and how we think and I suspect that after a while totally forgets about his/her victims. The best thing we can do is to forget, or least forgive.

Great joke I heard. "Forgive your enemies. It messes with their minds."

So your symbolic gesture of throwing away your hurt and moving on is fantastic. Did you feel great afterwards?

Thanks for your comment. No rejection here only applause.

Mary

Do you forgive?

ianken51 — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 02:53:25 GMT

Hi Shelley Anne,

I forgave those who caused my depression and found that it was very helpful.

I guess it's part of letting go and moving forward with your life.

You never forget because the hurt is etched on your psychy. But you can forgive, let go and move on.

Writing a letter to the party expressing your hurt and forgiveness helped me no end.

Ian

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 05:44:40 GMT

Oh Ian, I am so so glad it helped you, when you chose to forgive. I do not fully understand all this, but I am thinking when we chose to forgive a person or people that hurt us. It sort of lifts a heaviness out of our heart or something like that. And frees us up in some way.

With much kindness to you, and good on you! for choosing to forgive.

From Shelley anne

Do you forgive?

StefT — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 06:24:51 GMT

Hey Shelley I feel you pain of loosing someone. When you are a loving person who wanted to work through problems because you adored and believed in someone and they still left, it's devastating. Hey good on you for being loving, you are a fantastic soul. You brought love and happiness into someone's life. That's time well spent. Now you are better equipped to find that real soul mate.

You sound really positive in finding ways to let go of the past and moving on in your life. Techniques like you described help, do them as often as you need to. Think of it as training, it takes effort to reprogram the subconscious but please do. You don't want some failed relationship diminishing your potential for years only to get you down years later. Counseling can help or hypnotherapy can be very effective. Just remember you are number one, do what you have to do to heal and empower yourself.

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 06:25:22 GMT

Hi Mary

Thank you for not rejecting me, for I did fear this and I wondered how my topic would be welcomed here. I did copy and paste those links you posted. One of them I could relate to well, but right at this moment I cannot remember what it said, only that it affected me in a good way. So after I finish your reply, I shall read it again.

There is a couple of sentences that you wrote that really stuck out to me. The first sentence was:

"Surprisingly not many people feel that forgiveness is about the person who was harmed. "

Yes I think that very slowly I am realising this.That to forgive some one that has hurt you actually helps you.

Your other sentence:

"It is difficult when you are experiencing hurt to put it to one side and carry on"

Yes when you are hurting so bad, it feels like it swallows you up. And I am thinking that your emotions are so strong, and you are so much consumed by them, it is hard sometimes to see anything else, you are so clouded up. Not sure if that makes sense or not??

Smiles to you Mary

Shelley anne

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 07:14:56 GMT

Hello StefT

I have just finished reading you reply here, and I am wondering if you are hurting as you write. And if you are? ?Please accept my hug that I am sending to you, if you are OK please will you accept my hug anyway?

Shelley anne

Do you forgive?

StefT — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 08:16:59 GMT

Hey Shelley, thanks for asking. Yeah i'm hurting from a hurt from years ago that I didn't fully move on from only suppressed, too my detriment. Which is why i'm preaching if not practicing to you. Hey thanks for the virtual hug.

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 08:18:23 GMT

Help I think the lesson of forgiving is here right now. The pain of being mis -understood, I do not want to fail this time, I do not want the bitterness and anger and me, weighing me down. The pain that no one cares about me. But I feel it now the knoring sensation it my heart. The tears. It does hurt, it does hurt. I know I am very sensitive and get hurt easily. But I do not want to hate. I forgive them for the words. Just wishing someone would wipe away the tears.

Shelley anne

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 08:33:17 GMT

The pain is lifting now, I did not want to go to that dark and lonely place.

Do you forgive?

hannalogy — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 11:41:38 GMT

Hey Shelley,

I think that does sound like a good strategy.. Good on you for having the maturity to be willing to forgive those who have hurt you and for being brave in facing the pain and hurt of it.. I hope you are doing ok.

To throw in my thoughts about forgiveness... In my experience, forgiving someone doesn't mean that you suddenly stop feeling hurt or pain from what happened. For me, I have found that I have needed to choose to forgive someone multiple times for the same thing... Sometimes it is a daily choice.. But I think part of the brilliance of forgiveness is that it is a choice to not let what happened define or control you.. It is saying "I choose to put this thing aside, it is not the boss of me.".. and so when I find those old wounds surfacing again I can choose afresh to forgive and move forwards.

I'm a bit tired so I hope its not to vague.

All the best to you

Hannah

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 12:18:35 GMT

Hello Hannah

Yes I do understand about the choosing to forgive multiple times for the same thing. And I also understand most of what you have mentioned, thank you by the way. But I am not getting a grasp of not letting it control us. Is it like by choosing to forgive, you are not allowing bitterness or resentment to like drive you? Or perhaps being controlled my the wrong emotions? Am I getting it now? I am properly just tired too and need to go to bed as well. But I would love to know your response to my question if that is OK and you are able.

Thank you Hannah

Do you forgive?

white knight — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 12:42:09 GMT

Hi Shelly Anne,

What an inspiring thread. Thankyou

There's that famous saying "forgive them for they not know what they do". This categorises issues with others into a pigeon hole where we can cope with it. It allows us to accept they don't mean what they do because they are not capable of doing anything else.

It works for me.

Cheers Tony WK

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Sun, 15 Nov 2015 14:20:36 GMT

Hello Tony WK, please is it OK to call you White Knight, I love that name because it seems to say pure strength or something?

I am glad you were inspired and you are most welcome. I am thinking it was Jesus that said:

'Forgive them for they not know what they do" Is that right?

Bye now

Do you forgive?

White_Rose — Tue, 17 Nov 2015 08:12:21 GMT

Hello Shelley

Great to hear from you. I have been reading all the posts on this thread to catch up with what is happening in your world. You seem quite positive and stronger which is good. It just gets better.

Tony has pointed you to "Forgive them for they know not what they do". I will add in the spirit of Hannah about repeating the forgiveness. "Forgive them seventy times seven". The whole quote is too long.

Just a short post. This has been the week from hell but it will get better.

Mary

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Tue, 17 Nov 2015 08:36:32 GMT

Hi Mary

Have you really been reading this thread, to catch up to what is happening in my world? Well I thank you very much sweet Mary, and I feel honoured that you have came into my world. I truly do. It is not so lonely.

Blessings to you sweet Mary

Shelley anne

Do you forgive?

StefT — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 02:25:42 GMT

Do you forgive, that can be difficult but it's important for your own benefit if not theirs. Letting go, forgiving lets us find peace with what happened and ourselves, allowing us to reclaim power over our lives.

It's worth recognizing that they were working with the best tools they had at the time, they may have been dealing with their own psychological issues and even if they left they were hurting also.

I know I need to, I don't remember dreams much, when I do i'm having nightmares similar to PTSD. I now understand I need to remove this pain or I will continually fail at creating new habits to replace bad habits to make my life what I want.

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 03:42:13 GMT

Hi StefT

For me to make the choice to forgive somebody or even yourself for that matter is not easy. Because sometimes the pain and hurt is so strong, so blinding. I am not sure about you, but for me it is hard to see anything else clearly, because I become so self focused and inward looking.

And I do agree with you, forgiving someone does bring a sort of peace. And I think it is good for our hearts. I have experienced this peace before. But having said all that, the wounds that cause all the hurt and pain do sometimes take a while to heal. I am wondering as I write this if forgiving is the first step to that healing. But I am unsure of that.

And StefT I do not know of all your circumstances and what you have gone through, but I think I do understand from what I have read from your previous words you have posted, is that you are hurting perhaps deeply. I am so sorry StefT and I hope that you will heal soon.

With hugs to you.

xxx

Do you forgive?

StefT — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 04:27:39 GMT

Hey Shelly Anne I hope you are feeling better today, it's a rocky ride, still every day we learn and understand more to heal. I don't think forgiveness is the first step at all, but in time forgiveness or at least accepting what happened is so vital. One quote I found is "Forgiveness is understanding there is nothing to forgive". Both in what the other person did and with ourselves.

Keep fighting the good fight

Do you forgive?

Guest_1055 — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 05:57:53 GMT

Hello StefT

It feels like we are meeting up a lot or something. I hop on this forum and there you are. Hugs to you again and again.

Thank you for your words, I am feeling better today, it does seem a bit brighter. How are you getting along? Sorry I may have asked that before. I am getting muddled up.

xxx