topic What does 'recovery' mean to you? in Staying well

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

hope4joy — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 04:31:39 GMT

Hey guys,

I just had an interesting chat to my Mindspot phone therapist (thanks to whoever it was that recommended this course) about my expectations about experiencing depression. I realise that I've been feeling like a failure because I haven't eliminated my symptoms from my recent bout before uni goes back next week. But in the broader scheme, I've been busting my gut in therapy for the last six years, trying everything to 'get better', yet am still faced with many issues.

I'm starting to question which bits of my mental illness I keep fighting and which bits I accept and try to manage. I've always had such high hopes and standards. Sadly my depression is not the once off isolated episode sort - but I've had all sorts of difficulties since I was around nine years old.

So my question is, what does recovery from mental illness look like to you? What does it mean? What does it involve? What do you accept and what do you keep fighting to change?

I'm keen to hear your experiences,

with loving thanks,

Christina

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

Doolhof — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 20:42:50 GMT

Hi Christina,

I like the questions you have asked here. As a fellow sufferer of depression, I know so well that one day is never the same as the next!

Recovery for me means different things each day! Recovery may be the feeling of relief when I am discharged from hospital and I have a desire to live and try new options.

Recovery is the morning I wake and decide it is an excellent day and I am not going to let the little things bother me.

I accept that I have the courage to try to change things in my life for the better. I also accept that some days that may just not be possible, so on the bad days, I try to take it easy on myself and tell myself I can try again tomorrow.

I keep fighting the negative thoughts in my head. Yes, I do try to accept them, but some days it is a battle.

On the whole, I am very happy with the way I am travelling right now. I know there are a lot more things I could be doing to improve and enhance my life and I am working on those things.

Thanks again for a great thread, I hope people join in and share their thoughts.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

geoff — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 23:40:10 GMT

dear Christina, well that's a really good question to ask, and remember that everybody is different, but as I say that there are a few general rules which may seem to apply to everybody, and I do thank Mrs. Dools for her reply, as each recovery could be different from the last one we have, only due to the different circumstances.
We have to accept that when we are 'busting our guts' trying everything possible to get us back on track, can vary, depending on how you feel and what we have had to cope with during that past week, and when we feel as though we are getting back on track then THE recovery just seems to be a length away from being able to do, however when we have a bad week it may seem to be impossible, which means that we are stagnate or lay low until we begin to feel better and then start the process once more, but when this does happen it puts us two steps back.
There is always the determination that we want to get better for some people, and if you feel like this then your chances of overcoming your depression is excellent.
So when we wake up in the morning do we feel mediocre or do we feel as though it's going to be a good day, but don't forget that either of these can change around to the opposite, such as mediore turning into a great day, and that depends on how strong you feel, because to recover we need strength and a need to want to get better.
In depression there will a heap of issues that you may not be able to solve, and if you can accept this then if they occur, just push them into the background, because if you try and go back to try and solve them again and again it's only going to push you back into your depression and that's what you don't want.
There are heaps of issues that I could never solve, so I never go back there and never think that as I feel strong I can now try and tackle them once more, that's a bad decision, and have tried doing it myself, but then I was back in depression, so now I never go there.
We can never be perfect in life no matter how strong we feel, because there is never any perfectionism in solving all of your depression, rather it's how we can cope with it and then manage it. Geoff. x

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

hope4joy — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 00:39:43 GMT

Hi Mrs Dools,

thanks so much for your reply... what you wrote sounds really beautiful... kind and compassionate and forgiving and just going with what is, and doing the best under those circumstances. Somehow I'd never thought about it like this. It make a lot of sense. And if I think about it this way it makes me feel like a success, in that I always try to move forward, and when at a loss, I try to at least stay even or not dip back too far. Its such a slow process isn't it! I guess what you wrote sounds like a way of life rather than 'some point of attainment'.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts it is just what I needed to read today. I'm tired of being so hard on myself and having such high standards for perhaps an unattainable 'recovery'. Perhaps recovery can be how I live life, and that is grand enough in itself without too many rules and regulations for what it should involve.

With kind thanks,

Christina

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

hope4joy — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 00:49:15 GMT

Hi Geoff,

thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom on this topic. I appreciate you sharing how some issues are intrinsically linked to depression - and that it is okay to choose not to go there and to instead choose health. And that this is not some sort of avoidance but is rather a choice of wellness over illness. Yes its good to hear that.

You also spoke about the positive attitude. And I guess sometimes this is firing and at other times it is a bit dull and foggy, I guess maybe that is something to accept too. I know that when uni gets busy I have less time to put into recovery - although in many ways i am moving forward so much through doing what matters and challenging myself to move forward on many levels - i guess i just don't have much time for processing or therapy - its more about action and doing things. maybe like the seasons - uni is spring and peak summer, and then holidays are autumn and winter and slower times to sit and reflect -though only in healthy amounts. Its helpful for me to stay light and only reflect on deeper things every now and then. I read a beautiful quote once that difficult work is like you're diving underwater, you can only stay down so long and then you need to come up for air and rest. Maybe recovery is a bit like that too?

I think i'm still digesting your words Geoff, will come back and read this thread again.

I wonder if others have views experiences approaches about recovery to share?

With kind thanks,

Christina

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

Starwolf — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 01:41:32 GMT

Hey Christina,

Thank you for this great post.

For me, acceptance has played a major role in healing. Amazing how the words "fight" and "battle" keep being tossed around over and over again. Having done a lot of fighting in the past has made me aware that it only led to one thing : battle fatigue. A huge step forward was accepting that my mental issues and the damage done may well be with me for the rest of my life. From that time on, healing began to happen as if gradually, a previously hindered process was allowed to take place.

Acceptance however doesn't mean giving up. For me, it has meant persistence in trying various approaches but without being attached to results. I kept up with whatever helped ease my restless mind and rejected what didn't. I think I just learned to look after myself. Putting an end to a losing battle released energy dammed up by mental/emotional exhaustion. I realized I was fighting a battle on 2 different fronts : on one hand I was at war with my problems and on the other I was also at war with myself for not doing well enough to fix the problems. No wonder I couldn't get out of bed in the morning !

I could gradually manage self-discipline a lot better, only pushing myself to take the difficult first step when I knew the next ones would come easier and the end result would actually improve my state of mind. If some days still felt awful, I didn't blame myself or raged against the illness...It was no more considered a failure to cope with an attack from some inner demon. It was just the way things were at the time. Like all else, they would pass. They did. Eventually.

In a nutshell, this change of attitude from aggressive approach to befriending the "enemy" (including myself), played a significant role in recovery. We are all different and so see things from a different perspective. So I hope others will contribute their side of the story.

Thank you again Christina for initiating this exchange of views.

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

Scotty2013 — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 03:31:44 GMT

Hi Christina well it means to me, stability housing, emotionally, looking after yourself diet. Also gaining the tools to deal with things, it may takes years, decades but long as you are on the right road and keep moving forwards. Idk I think of it much like AA...if i don't do certain things my Anxiety/Dep is out of control.

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

hope4joy — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 02:26:54 GMT

Hi Starwolf,

thanks you for your really thoughtful reply. Yes I hear you on the exhaustion front, the constant battle to not only stay on top of things but to also conquer and change them! Ah, what energy it takes. I'm also a hyper vigilant sort, programmed to be very receptive to my environment and always scanning for danger, so all up makes for a very depleted me. I kinda feel that I have above average energy levels, but unfortunately way above average energy expenditure!

Yeah I hear you on the acceptance front too. I guess this is something I'm thinking about on and off a fair bit. It all started at new year when i was really low and reached out to a support line and the lady on the phone asked whether the treatments i was currently in (i.e. therapy with a psychiatrist) was helpful... and i couldn't answer her. I realised i didn't really know how to measure my progress or success. And this has progressed into thinking what recovery looks like. Like you shared Starwolf (lovely profile name by the way) I too have damage and issues that I think will be with me forever. So maybe aiming for elimination isn't helpful... maybe eliminating their bind on me through acceptance is a kinder more realistic path. I find it awfully confusing to differentiate between giving up and accepting what is... I was one to run away from issues for many years so I guess i err on the side of keeping on going until i really know it is time to let it be.

Your comment about mentioning befriending the enemy makes sense to me. I heard a story once about how when a king was out away on business an intruder, who was a big ugly ogre, came and surprised everybody and walked right through the palace and sat on the king's throne. All the king's staff tried to get the ogre out - they hurled insults at him, yelled at him, threatened him - but all that happened was he grew bigger, and meaner and uglier and smellier, until he took up almost the whole space of the palace. When the king returned he immediately saw the problem, he went up to the ogre and offered him a cup of tea and a foot massages and all sorts of kindness, and he shrunk a little bit. The staff cottoned on and also offered the ogre kind acts... until eventually he was so small he disappeared. The moral being the fighting our problems only makes them worse, kindness and realistic strategy is what achieves results. Its hard to live this at time, I can get so furious at my shortcomings.

Nice to chat 🙂

Kind wishes, Christina

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

hope4joy — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 02:38:51 GMT

Hi Scotty,

It nice to hear from you. I find your profile pic intriguing, it reminds me of old-school tv signals when programming had stopped for the night... though in black and white. What drew you to it?

You raise some good points Scotty, that recovery does need to meet our basic living needs. I travelled around for about 12 years never stopping in one place all that long, and have found that being in my current home for almost three years now, the longest ever as an adult, has made so much difference to recovery. And diet and exercise are so important too, looking after ourselves in general.

Its interesting you made the 12 step reference - I used this program to recover from my eating disorder a few years back - it was the thing that actually made me change and stop my harmful behaviours. A big part of that program was about taking each day at a time... and I kind of feel that is a common thread to people's replies here... that one can only ever do what one can do on a particular day... and to keep the general direction of movement towards positive goals etc.

I practice yoga and have been going for about 4 years or so now and I think I've given up on being attached to progress - because I move forward in postures and then i go backwards and it changes day to day and time of day and where i'm at emotionally. But i keep going because its great for my back (i had an injury a few years ago) and also really helps manage my emotions, it helps release emotions that get stuck, and helps me find my centre again. The teachers often stress that is a "yoga practice" and it is always just a practice. Maybe that is what recovery is too? Kinda like life,,, just a day by day "practice". Shucks I fear I'm getting a bit philosophical here, I'd rather stay in the practical. But maybe recovery really is just one day at a time. I wonder why it is that i keep dreaming of some elusive end point, some place where "i've made it", where life suddenly makes sense and flows and is in perfect balance? Such a blissful sounding recovery!

Thanks for sharing your views Scotty and helping me explore my ideas.

Kind Wishes, Christina

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

Starwolf — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 06:17:42 GMT

Thanks for your kind words, Christina and also for sharing the story of the ogre on the throne. There is often great philosophical meaning in fables, myths and old stories.

I agree with Scotty, having lived close to a decade in South East Asia, I have been involved in meditation and yoga ever since. Finding one's center and learning to abide there is invaluable. This center is usually badly knotted. A sad thing, as it is where inner power is held. Such practices help unravel this knot one strand at a time.

When times are tough, just seeing, feeling myself as the still eye at the center of the cyclone helps. Much more comfortable than trying to hang around on the outside...we all know what happens there. We get blown off, tossed about and end up confused, bruised and battered.

I believe that we are all here for a reason, with or without major emotional/mental issues to work on. There is only one and the same final destination for all of us. So let's enjoy the journey. I truly believe it is what really matters.

Your choice of profile photo (Everlasting / paper flower ?) tells me you have enduring power...a great asset to have on this journey.

I wish you a peaceful, restful evening.

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

White_Rose — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 22:16:22 GMT

Hello Christina

I have read this thread with lots of interest. Everyone views recovery in a different way, which is logical as we are all different. I am coming to the conclusion that mental illness of whatever shape or colour will be with us for life and it's up to each individual to manage or live with that illness.

I have spent many years denying I have depression permanently. Yet I still wake up every morning in fear wondering what the day will bring. It's only recently I have realised what many people already know, that making friends with my depression will help to keep it under control, just like your ogre. Until recently I have not been offered in any therapeutic programs such as CBT etc. I found my best solution was in meditation and over time it did make a huge difference.

It does take time to recover to stage where everyday living is comfortable. When I can go about my business without wanting to run away at times. The hard part is when depression does a U turn and comes roaring back. I am in this situation now and have been for about eight months. Some days are better than others and finally I think I am getting somewhere.

What I wonder is, how much does the fear of a returning depression increase the likelihood of a return? And to answer my own question, I guess constant concern about this means I am not as far along the recovery road as I like to think, that constant backward glances are more likely to impede my progress. Learning to keep looking ahead is hard. I have to agree with Starwolf that being at the centre of the storm rather than being tossed around on the outside is by far the best place.

You have also made a an enormous observation about not being concerned with progress in your yoga because your mood changes from day to day. This is how I feel about meditation. Progress is something we are taught as children, that we need to progress and learn more and be able to demonstrate that progression. And in many thing this is true. I would hate to still be sitting in my first year at school. I think that real progress is in giving up this need, and of course, by the time we get there, it's not even on the agenda.

Mary

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

blondguy — Fri, 26 Feb 2016 00:33:12 GMT

Good Morning Christina

What a Great Post..

Starwolf is spot on. 'Acceptance'. With true and calm acceptance anxiety/depression does lose much of its strength, thus enabling a sufferer to build a better foundation where recovery is concerned. Depression and anxiety feelings can be more frequent in a 'tired' or 'exhausted' mind (through fighting it)

Fighting and battling can make a person's mind tired to start with. (Just for me) Anxiety/Depression are still only 'feelings'..awful as they are.

Mary has a great point here....That awful U-turn that happens and will do so again..and again..and again..it does.

This is only what I learned from my doctors that have helped me with my recovery...since 1983. I was lucky to be told in '83 that I will have my anxiety for the rest of my life. My female GP recently said to me "Paul I said 'the rest of your life' because I wanted to stop the way you were fighting it and making yourself sick' Nice1 Doc!

Basic word substitution

No Fighting/Calm Acceptance..

Striving...trying...dealing with it/...Acceptance is easier 🙂

The 'Sanctuary in The Storm is in the Centre'...no fighting happening in there...'letting go' is 🙂

Be Kind to yourself Christina...

Paul

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

hope4joy — Sun, 28 Feb 2016 11:15:34 GMT

Hi Starwolf, Mary and Paul,

Thank you for your generous replies. I've had a very chaotic weekend and am now needing to move house in two weeks, just as uni starts tomorrow. But somehow I have calm and peace most of the time, and am also doing constructive things to make sure I have a new home to move to. Maybe that is what recovery is about - when the storm comes raging in, the centre still stays peaceful. I've also reached out to four friends for help which is a new thing for me, I normally try to do it alone. I guess I've learnt to ask for help.

I had this amazing moment a few days ago - before everything went askew. I was sitting on my back deck and I had this perfect sense of contentedness - i didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I just sat and watched the gum trees in the distance as the leaves were gently buffeted by the wind. I felt so much peace and love and joy all at once - but not euphoric, just so beautifully peaceful. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, its happened a few times before and is an incredible beautiful state, i want for nothing. And it has stayed with me through this chaos, in most moments, to make everything okay and make me able to cope. So maybe that is what recovery is also about, having more resources and ability to get to the centre point more quickly, and to stay there more often?

I like your comment Mary that recovery can mean moving forward without constantly looking back over one's shoulder, checking to see if a relapse is lurking. I think you're right, fear of getting unwell again in itself takes much energy. Its hard though not to freak out when the signs of depression emerge again. I'm sorry you've had a tough eight months.

And Paul, its funny how accepting one has lifetime mental illness is empowering - it seems counter intuitive. I'm glad your GP was so cunning!

And Starwolf, I lived for a couple of years in SE Asia and also really connected to some eastern philosophies and meditation and yoga. You talked about knots in one's body. I've started getting regular massages this year and they are helping me let go of emotional knots... its all intertwined i feel. And thank you for your comment about my profile everlasting flower - the bright yellow ones are my favourite. For a long time i had a bunch hanging in my car under the rear view mirror - i often stop to pick flowers on road trips - i still have a bunch of blue flowers i picked at xmas hanging there. Nature is amazing.

Night to all,

Christina 🙂

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

blondguy — Sun, 28 Feb 2016 16:31:39 GMT

Good Morning Christina

I read your post and you do have a an innate gift to stop and smell the roses..or the gum trees :-)..That sounds easy to do but it can be very difficult for some sufferers with depression. You have done it though Christina!

I learned years ago that reading paragraphs with a 'tired' mind (Depression Sufferers) can be difficult...so I will keep my thoughts in bullet point format.as the quality is relevant here..not the quantity..(easier to read too)

* Mary is spot on here...Making friends with the depression/anxiety....(Calm and True Acceptance)

* The 'art' of Making Friends with Depression does take time and practice...but worth it..it does work!

* Mary's 'Making Friends' with Depression is written in Plain English by Dr Claire Weeks (RIP) 'Self Help for your Nerves'...Making Friends/Calm Acceptance is discussed here..with no jargon..just a small paperback despite the old fashioned title using the word 'nerves'. Its still in print and a very effective management tool for sufferers of depression/anxiety.

* "What I wonder is, how much does the fear of a returning depression increase the likelihood of a return?" (I have just borrowed this from above) This thought really struck a chord with me Christina. Even now I do remember this 'thought' even though a distant memory now. I will never forget that thought.

* If there is a major life event/trauma now..I have to separate the old thought of 'looking behind me' to the true sadness/grief that is to be expected in any major 'life event' without depression as a 'tag' for it.

* Christina...I am happy that you read what my female GP said many years ago...that I will have this disorder for the rest of my life....I was stunned...but straight away I had no alternative to 'accept' it...She was cunning lol

Thankyou Star Mary and Scotty 🙂 What a great page with wonderful people!

Christina...Your profile pic is gentle yet powerful...Love it!

I hope today will be good to you Christina

Paul

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

Starwolf — Mon, 29 Feb 2016 00:35:36 GMT

Hi Christina,

You lucky girl...What you describe is the "just being" state that many of us can only achieve after years of meditation practice. That's the still eye at the center of the cyclone I was referring to in a previous post. It is a difficult one to explain so I am overjoyed that -having experienced it- you know exactly what was meant.

And yes, it sometimes comes to some of us as sudden revelation. It is a great blessing.

It is however an elusive state, hard to hang on to but knowing how perfect it feels creates the incentive to slip back into it. It cannot be forced but consistent practice of returning to our center whenever we feel sucked into chaos eventually does it.

So glad you were granted this privilege. As you have realized, this state of being sees us at our most powerful. Things get done efficiently and without emotional energy wastage. Thank you for sharing this precious off-time with us and conveying the feel of it so well. In my view, it is the best tool towards achieving recovery although usually, only long-term meditators can get the hang of holding on to it and abiding there.

You are right, relaxing into it all, letting go via acceptance and being consistent with practices are all part of the web of recovery.

Happy trails.

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

hope4joy — Wed, 02 Mar 2016 07:38:24 GMT

Hi Paul and Starwolf,

thank you for your replies. I do often stop to smell the flowers Paul, quite literally! I've been going for long walks in the morning each day over the last few months (harder now with uni starting back) and make a point to tune into my senses. I often stop to pick up a feather or smell some flowers - and smell the gums (lemon-scented are my favourite) and earthy smells of the sub tropics. I have my favourite smells along the walk, which follows a creek. I think its been really helpful with my depression. I've done a lot of meditation in the past and some intensive retreats but somehow have lost interest in it gradually since moving state away from the buddhist group i used to belong. i wonder if yoga and walking and art can have the same effect but am not too sure, I guess the buddhists would say one has to meditate. Anyway I'm grateful for all I learnt. Do you both have a regular meditation practice? Do you stay in that centre point much?

Kind regards, Christina

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

blondguy — Wed, 02 Mar 2016 22:07:21 GMT

Good Morning Christina

I have never meditated but I do now understand that 'centre point' is an achievable place to be daily. I do find quiet time every day which may be meditation but True & Calm Acceptance the key to the door for sure..

Hi Star, I know people that manage to stay in the center point without straying that havent meditated. It does take practice and time as you know to actually unmask the anxiety/depression as 'bad feelings'.

Great topic Christina

Kind Thoughts

Paul

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

Starwolf — Wed, 02 Mar 2016 22:55:13 GMT

Hi Christina,

Good on you for walking with all senses engaged. This goes some way towards practicing the art of "mindfulness" which is basically focusing exclusively on what one is doing, without being distracted by any passing thought. It is a state of total absorption into one thing or activity where all else ceases to exist.

Many people are unaware that there are different types of meditation. I don't think "sitting meditation" suits the Western temperament. I believe this fact has largely contributed to its "too hard" reputation. So many have tried it and gave up ! Buddhism also endorses "walking meditation" and mindfulness. Both practices have as much centering value as the sitting type and are a lot easier on the average Western restless mind. The real art of course is to enter this state at will, in any circumstances, not only during practice. The trouble is, it often eludes us when we need it most !

I agree with you Christina, the sub tropics have terrific walks to offer, vibrant colours , intoxicating smells and all...

Happy trails !

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

StaticRose51 — Thu, 03 Mar 2016 05:24:00 GMT

Hi Christina,

I couldn't help but read the rest of your recovery story. I've experienced Depression too and am also fond of mindful walking and like to stop to smell the flowers. Generally speaking. Meditation has helped a lot with my recovery and I think if you show up for yourself in small ways, you will start to find a difference to your illness- quite often others will notice it about you! As you mentioned Art therapy, I can tell you that it helps. Even if you aren't very good at first, the whole creative process will occupy your thoughts more positively! That being said we still have a few bad days sometimes. I think if we keep challenging ourselves we will be alright.

Good luck on you Journey (hugs)

~Stacy

What does 'recovery' mean to you?

MisterM — Thu, 03 Mar 2016 10:30:47 GMT

Hi Christina,

To me it is like recovering from a common cold that is frequent.
You have your bad days then things are better then it comes again.
Since a change in my medication a few weeks ago I was feeling much better but in the past 24 hours my thoughts have turned a bit.