topic BULLYING in Staying well

BULLYING

white knight — Fri, 08 May 2015 23:30:22 GMT

Part of my strategy of "staying well" is to tackle some things differently. Rather than relying on my instincts, that have clearly let me down over the years due to over reaction from my sensitivity, I would ...take a breath and use the advice of my psych and good friends on how to respond.

I've been a target of bullying for near 10 years now. Forums havent been around long in the scheme of things and if you are an up front person with some vulnerability, the chance a predator will spot you, hone in on you and harrass you is high. My usual reaction to these people was- throw a rock back at them immediately and fume for days, constantly logging in and waiting for another response so I could reply with more rock throwing....after all (I'd think to myself) he needs to be taught a lessen. I'm right here and he is wrong.

The best response would have been to ignore the bully....as everyone says...but that was never enough clout for me. This time, two days ago I would put that to the test.

A female member of the car club I'm a member of, has had a simmering dislike for me. That's ok, that happens with a few hundred members. I've been aware of it from others telling me and have tried to tread softly on the clubs Facebook page. Out of the blue she posted a nasty comment levelled at me. Now, since I've had a few bullying members and that I havent handled them well, I have a mentor. Yep, 59yo large strong guy with heaps of experience in life...has a lady that I call my "parole officer"....labelled as such by me in a joking manner that she adores. My mentor read the comment and suggested that the bully would be seen as the aggressor.

nother member, unaware of the connitations of the bully's intent posted a cartoon that shows Charlie Brown laughing alongside his dog Snoopy, also laughing. So I posted a reply...."is that cartoon of me and my dog". Not only had I ignored the bully's nasty remark I'd caused many members to laugh at my own post thereby swaying attention away from the bully's statement. It worked. Several posts following these comments and all were responding to my comical post.

The bully has gone quiet. People didnt give her the attention she craved. She was "out of line". She will lose popularity as time goes by if she continues to hold a grudge. The committee have contacted me individually to acknowledge how well I handled it.

Bullying hurts us. We can be really sensitive at times and feel we have our backs to the wall. Dont feed the sharks.

Tony WK

BULLYING

HA1 — Fri, 08 May 2015 23:49:28 GMT

Thanks for your post WK!

It is really good advice. But it got me thinking. What proportion of people who suffer anxieties and depression would attribute the illness to bullying, whether that would be in your formative years or in adulthood? Or is it more of a trigger to an illness that you are already genetically or otherwise susceptible to?

Hmm, I will ponder.

BULLYING

Zan — Sat, 09 May 2015 00:05:17 GMT

Hi Tony -- now if only that same strategy could be applied to road rage, every driver on the roads would be so much happier.

When I lived and worked in the city I slowly found myself joining the ever growing numbers of road ragers -- all pushed for time, all frustrated in heavy traffic, all angry with the person doing 80kmh in a 100kmh zone ... or the person behind so far up my tail pipe it seemed by the view of my rear view and side mirrors that he had somehow managed to attach his vehicle to mine --- and those *&%^ idiots that weave from one lane to the other and then brake hard right in front of you as they squeeze themselves in --- aaaaarrrrgghhhhhhhh!

Needless to say it was one of the contributing causes of stress ... and eventual mental breakdown --- and pushed me in the direction of remote rural living in order to escape the mass psychopathy of city living.

Am I a more peaceful driver today? Um -- have to admit it but road rage is a hard habit to break .... especially if trapped behind a tourist doing 40kmh on a winding double line country road while admiring the scenery and the speed limit is 100kmh ... and meanwhile the growing queue of locals who know the road simply want to get into town asap and out of town asap.Do they pull over? NO! Do they speed up? NO!

Yes I know --- breath deep ... push a Buddhist New Age ambient CD into the player, count to ten ---- BUT concentrate like heck because they're also just as likely to brake and stop their car in the middle of the road just to take a photo of the Mt Warning or the Border Ranges or Nimbin Rocks ... or a 3 metre carpet snake lying on the other side of the road! Ahh - what to do, what to do?

BULLYING

Zan — Sat, 09 May 2015 00:08:46 GMT

Hi Hideaway --- I think it's a contributing factor, not a causal factor. But enough of the same incidents over and over and over would definitely take it from being a contributing factor to a causal factor. Such is the nature of traumatic events.

BULLYING

Melissa_ann — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 12:23:28 GMT

I wish I could have followed your advice me on the otherhand when it comes to online, I get quite fiesty and that defiantly hasn't helped in the longrun. A very wise person once told me not to feed the trolls and there was a good reason for that!

BULLYING

white knight — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 13:42:27 GMT

Hi Melissa Ann

To err is human. Many if us with mental emotional issues are playing catch up with learning.

You have insight. Its a gift.

Tony WK

BULLYING

Becstar — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 09:14:21 GMT

Hi Tony,

Ignoring a bully/troll is a definitely a better course of action than giving them attention. DELETE. DELETE, DELETE no one wants to read a bullies comments. Of course if someone has some constructive criticism, well that is a different story!

BULLYING

Greyy — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 00:20:08 GMT

Thanks for sharing this WK.

One virtue of getting older is that I am better at holding back and not feeding trolls.

It reminds me of my favourite Charlie Brown strip. He is sitting at Lucy's Psychiatric Booth, and she demands her 5 cents. Charlie Brown responds " You've got me thinking twice before I say nothing".

BULLYING

white knight — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 05:04:53 GMT

Very appropriate script greyy

Tony WK

BULLYING

Miss T — Thu, 01 Feb 2018 19:22:24 GMT

It's hard to know whether to ignore or stand up to a bully. I tend to be none-confrontational so ignore but am still left thinking that if I've let the bully get away with their actions, they will continue. I have tried asserting myself with abusers on a few occasions but it just stoked the flames, the situation escalated and the bully won as they had allies and were not above telling outright lies about me. I have tried involving someone else but, as with the school playground, nobody seems to be interested in someone who tells tales.

BULLYING

Bethie — Thu, 01 Feb 2018 21:20:28 GMT

I understand what your going through. As a mum with a teenage son its a problem i face regularly. My sons school has the standard anti bully policy and this year moved a few of the staff rooms closer to the playgrounds. They also have a open door policy with the school councillor so any student can go and see him without getting in trouble for being late for other classes or missing one.

Maybe your school has something like this. If not try to stay close to places you know teachers are and see if you know any of the bigger kids as they tend to be a bit more mature.

BULLYING

KittyCat23 — Fri, 16 Feb 2018 01:01:16 GMT

That's the tragedy of bullying. The one who speaks out about it is generally shunned and disliked. A lot of bullying is condoned because the others witnessing it secretly think it's warranted and the target deserved it. This is the ugly side of humanity. I am frequently reminded of how the disabled were treated in ancient times, removed from the village and left to die in the woods. People still do that, metaphorically, they just pretend that they don't.

BULLYING

white knight — Fri, 16 Feb 2018 13:22:12 GMT

Hi kittycat

Thankyou for your post.

Others posts worth goggling on this are-

Topic: so what are their mental illnesses?- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Repost anytime. We try to clarify topics like this and welcome your thoughts

Tony WK

BULLYING

SR1 — Fri, 01 Jun 2018 10:22:59 GMT

Hi Kitty cat

I tend to agree with you. I'm struggling with a situation where I resigned due to my supervisor bullying me and I've been trying to talk to fellow workers about what happened and they're all down playing it. I know it's hard as they still work there but it's got me questioning my recollection of what happened. But I know I felt intimidated so there's def something there.

BULLYING

Doolhof — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 07:41:05 GMT

Hi SR1,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry to read you had to leave a work place due to bullying. It may be difficult for the people still working there to be able to talk openly about what happened in the work place.

I guess another issue is that we are all individuals, what may seem like intense bullying to the person being bullied may seem like nothing much to those on the sidelines.

That does certainly not mean that bullying comes in certain degrees of harshness, no one should have to put up with being bullied.

How are you coping now since leaving the work place?

I guess everyone has their own opinion on bullying and what is to be tolerated and accepted or fought against.

I'd also like to point out that Tony WK who was the creator of this thread is no longer a part of the forum, so he will not be responding to your post. Other wise he certainly would have done so!

Would you consider talking with a counsellor about how you are feeling?

All the best to you, from Dools

Re: BULLYING

sarah_girl — Tue, 05 Sep 2023 16:12:36 GMT

My reply is coming after over 8 years, but can I ask if you've continued on this strategy in these 8 years? Has it worked in the long run?

Re: BULLYING

white knight — Wed, 20 Sep 2023 07:22:01 GMT

Hi Sarah.

Yes it has worked but in the last 2 years I've made my boundaries firmer. No longer will I tolerate narcissistic actions like triangulation or emotional blackmail. Dramatic people have no passes in my life.

I, like others here, don't have the mental capacity to waste our thoughts on people with ill intent.

So now I choose my family from my friends base... blood family just because they are blood doesn't qualify as a free pass to abuse.

TonyWK

Re: BULLYING

quirkywords — Wed, 20 Sep 2023 11:09:17 GMT

Tony

I really admire this line “ I, like others here, don't have the mental capacity to waste our thoughts on people with ill intent.“

I suppose I get upset and waste worrying about those who are mean.

Re: BULLYING

mmMekitty — Wed, 20 Sep 2023 11:52:21 GMT

Hello TonyWK & everyone

When I was in school, a LONG time ago, being bullied even by one of my (ex-)step-sibs, & I was told by my father to simply ignore them & they would stop, didn't work for me. None of my responses worked. Even trying to imitate them in being 'bad' didn't work. It was only after leaving school when I didn't have to put up with it anymore.

It was mostly limited to school hours & the school grounds & sometimes kids would visit our place too though. So I felt very little relief from it.

Nowadays, decades later, we have computers & mobile phones, so there is no escape for people being bullied, short of never going on any social media sites at all & then feeling like you are totally unable to be in communication with friends ... it's must be a horrible problem for people being bullied now.

Your response back in 2015 had worked very well for you then. I wonder if now, it would be the same?

I've resisted being on any social media primarily because of how easy I know it is for people to get on there & trash other people with no thought for how people are affected by such behaviour.

Now, some of the social media sites have become so big & relatively unregulated, I don't know how effected your strategy would be today.

I think I'd rather call bullying by other terms, such as emotional/psychological & / or physical & / or sexual assault, & treat this behaviour as a crme, like any other crime of abuse is.

It very much annoys me to see how the platforms can & are misused. They can also be so very useful, bringing people from all around the world closer together.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: BULLYING

white knight — Thu, 21 Sep 2023 14:15:43 GMT

Hi Quirky

The problem with soft hearted, kind people is we are more vulnerable and are seen as a easy target for bullies.

The only way to combat that is to develop an on guard defence. That could be seen more as aggressiveness but that has to be developed as a teen or young adult.

Eg. A club member, nasty by nature, I was warned about. She finally approached me "many members would like you to have more input into club activities ".. I replied "who are those members"?. I stuck with that question for 5 minutes then "I don't believe other members have said anything of the sort".

TonyWK