topic Love Hugs and Kisses in Staying well

Love Hugs and Kisses

Doolhof — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 06:33:52 GMT

Hi Everyone,

I posted the following questions on the BB Café thread and received some insightful answers from people who both appreciate the sentiments and others who do not find these expressions helpful to themselves. There are no right or wrong answers to my questions, they are just questions to reveal how people feel.

These are basically the questions I asked:

I would just like to know what it means to you to read that people are sending you love, hugs, kisses and other best wishes.

How comforting, appreciated and special is it to receive these comments?

Do these comments make a difference to how you are feeling and thinking?

For me personally, I find them to be heart warming, to know that people care enough to share their well meaning with others.

Some people may find these sentiments flippant and to not mean anything, so I would like to know your responses.

Remember there are no right or wrong answers, just your own opinion.

I'm posting this in the STAYING WELL section, as the comfort and encouragement some people may receive from these comments and sentiments may be just what that individual requires right now.

Thanks all from Mrs. Dools

Love Hugs and Kisses

Guest_5218 — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 07:25:58 GMT

Hi Mrs Dools,

I would like to reply as I did on the Cafe thread earlier today. This is my own personal view on the matter:

I have never had anybody who I could talk to before joining this Forum a little over 2 months ago. I am fairly socially isolated and I do not have any real friends. I dont have any family or friends who I am comfortable to talk to about my troubles, my achievements, and certainly not my deepest fears.

Through these Forums I have felt able to 'unload' so much baggage. I have been able to open up a lot, knowing that I will not be judged. And those people who have responded to me when I have needed support the most, possibly know me better than anybody else in this world. Possibly even including my psych, who is the only other person I have ever opened up to.

So yes, I do feel really close to a number of people on these forums. I respect their opinions, I appreciate their advice. And in a way I crave their understanding and support. I love receiving their love and cyber hugs.

When I give hugs and love, I mean it from my heart. I dont give it lightly. When I receive them from others, I often cry when I'm feeling really low, because it is almost as if it were real. That it is indeed genuine concern for me. And I find that really comforting. So when I say I sometimes cry, it is because I know that someone else cares and takes the time to express that caring to me in the only way that you can through a computer screen - with words.

This is an appropriate area to post this thread Mrs Dools because it does help me, and I believe many others, to get well and hopefully to stay well. It is important to know that others care and have a genuine empathy for us.

Thankyou Mrs Dools for broaching this subject.

Sherie xx

Love Hugs and Kisses

white knight — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 09:32:17 GMT

Hi all,

I see your view clearly Sherie and thanks Mrs Dools for posting this topic.

However as often happens there is a flip side. And that is when someone in need of solid advice is waiting for such a response and they read there is a response waiting, when they click on the reply to find no solid meaningful and possible remedy for their problem....it can be counter productive to them. It could even make them feel disheartened IMO. In such a case they might even feel annoyed if they feel cyber hugs and kisses don't point him/her in any practical direction. They also might not FEEL as emotionally needy for hugs and kisses as some are willing to issue.

So I feel such expressions of kindness and emotions are appropriate in some threads eg where you know the person well and have swapped information to and fro with that person because then you have developed some affection amongst each other.

That's my opinion.

Tony WK

Love Hugs and Kisses

geoff — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 18:08:59 GMT

dear Mrs. Dools, this is a post that deserves credit, and it's one which there will be different sides where there will
be opposite views of how we feel, but that's what life is about isn't it.
I'm afraid that I agree with Tony and what he has said, because only if you have been communicating with a particular
person quite often, then by saying 'hugs and kisses' means that you are right behind them, totally understand what they
are going through, where they have accepted all your advice, help and suggestions, then all your hugs and kisses mean the
world to them, however if someone new comes to the site and someone offers them these jesters with no helpful advice then
it's no different than saying 'I love that puppie in the pet shop', sure you might, but is that going to help the puppie
go to good home, no, so off you go and move on.
In other words what do these kind words mean to someone who you have replied to them only once, and does that mean that
this person will leave the site knowing that BB forum has been not useful.
I'm sure there will others who may disagree with what we have said, and that's fine. Geoff. x

Love Hugs and Kisses

Kazzl — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 20:19:56 GMT

For what it's worth, I don't think this is a big issue. (I know why you've raised it Mrs Dools and I'm grateful you have and I hope others will express their views.) I don't see very many responses that are just hugs and kisses except where people have become close to each other. On the rare occasion they occur with new posters it is usually accompanied by a sentiment like 'I can't help you but want you to know I care and there will be others along with better advice.'

We're making a lot of assumptions here about what people do and don't need from us. Tony I understand what you're saying and I expect some people do react the way you describe. But we don't really know the impact we have on anyone, we just do what seems right for us with the best of intentions. Why change?

I think we need people to respond the way they feel is right, and if that's simply an emotional expression of care, then it is. I don't think people should have to second guess whether their response fits an undefined standard. And beware of paralysis by analysis I say.

I hope this is not too blunt, and apologies if it makes anyone cross, it's not meant to, I'm a bit frazzled myself at the moment, but it is what I feel.

Best wishes to all

Kaz

Love Hugs and Kisses

Guest_5218 — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 20:51:13 GMT

An interesting array of opinions here, as you would expect.

However I think you may be forgetting that none of us here are qualified therapists (I dont think?) and as such, we are not qualified to offer professional advice.

Really all we can do is to offer our understanding and support to people who have reached out for it. Often all people need is to know that someone else understands their issues and knows how they feel.

And that feeling of closeness and empathy by offering love or a hug, cannot be underestimated when we are feeling down and alone.

I do accept what some of you say in that it is best offered to those you know fairly well, but it should not be restricted to just those people. You do have to be careful of course, but usually the tone and content of peoples Posts dictates to you who is the best 'target' for your expressed love and hugs.

Those people I offer them to, if I met them in real life - I would do the same.

Only my opinion of course ...............

Sherie xx

Love Hugs and Kisses

white knight — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 22:04:24 GMT

Hi all,

There is nothing wrong with wishing others love and affection Kaz. I get that and we all do it in different ways. And indeed some posters here with some terrible stories of their life touch me as much as the next person. My point is that if someone posts mainly love and affection but is short of or has no other helpful content then it can clog up the site, it could add to the posters hopes of a productive reply and so on. And of course this is my opinion which was invited.

Imagine if we all just posted love hugs and kisses? What site would it be then? Answers should have some form of helpful content to guide them on their journey out of their predicament.

Sherie, you are not correct about us being non professionals. We are professionals at being mentally ill. That experience alone gives us a tool that professional medical people don't have. It is significant in terms of passing onto sufferers knowledge of ways to feel better. The community champions here in particular often remind posters that we are not qualified to give out certain advice like types of medication and so on and we are restricted like everyone else in terms of the rules here.

Offering affection and/or sympathy only in a post can have a "feel better" result however this site I would argue is primarily for productive help and guidance and secondary for affection.

I accept you have your views. Thats ok.

Thats my view, that was invited.

Tony WK

Love Hugs and Kisses

Guest_5218 — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 22:29:12 GMT

I am not saying that you should only offer love, hugs and kisses. And you very rarely see that here anyway. But what I do believe is that our helpful advice offered in replies, can also offer emotional support by way of showing empathy. So you create a bond by explaining that you understand their issues, having gone through the same thing yourself. You offer advice on things that you have found has helped you. Then, if you feel it is appropriate, you give them a hug. Having personal experience with mental ill-health does not make me a professional however.

I am very happy to have a different point of view to the rest of you in this regard. But it doesnt mean I dont respect and accept your views - I do. It would be a sad old world if we all agreed on everything!

And yes, my opinion was also invited ..........

Sherie xx

Love Hugs and Kisses

JessF — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 22:29:25 GMT

My two cents is that I think we all need different things at different times. I agree with the point above about not second guessing yourself every time you post is a good one, many of us suffer from anxiety and the thought of saying the wrong thing in real life can be paralysing enough as it is. But I also agree with the point about saving excessive amounts of love hugs and kisses for people that you've communicated a bit with first, I guess that is just me, it's a familiarity thing. I'm also quite a practical person and when I post online I'm looking for answers. I accept that not everybody is the same as me.

One thing that does concern me though, and I think I mentioned this in another thread, perhaps one of Tony's, is that you do see some people coming through here that seem to post in ways that encourage others to give love and hugs type respones rather than practical advice or support, and I worry that posting here is enabling them to stay stuck rather than move forward. But again, it's not my job to treat people or be responsible for them, so I have to put that aside.

Balance is the key. People often feel vulnerable and broken when they come here, or rejected by those close to them, so empathy and caring is important. But I also think that where possible, we should be motivators to help each other make changes. If as Tony said, we all posted empathy without any of our own experiences or thoughts, then it would be a bit like going to an exercise class at the gym for months and the instructor congratulating everyone for only doing one star jump.

Love Hugs and Kisses

White_Rose — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 23:56:45 GMT

Hello Everyone

I want to add my two cents worth here. Jess has made an important point in her reply. We do see people here who appear to want reassurance and affection only. I would love to be hugged, in real life, and told I am wonderful and doing all the right things. It would ease my pain and probably I would never do anything about my depression and anxiety because I was being comforted. And that would be fantastic and frankly is sometimes a fantasy of mine. I want to be loved and cared for, and to have no worries or troubles.

Unfortunately life does not work that way. We all know the anxiety we have when our children start to become independent and demand to do things their own way. It's one of the hardest things to do, let go and watch, holding your breath and hoping they don't fall too hard. I am finding my journey back to wellness painful and difficult and often wish my mom was still around to hold me tight. But I also know I would be off as soon as I could stand up again. Much as I hate it I need to travel that road.

If all I have are soft words and comfort it will make my journey harder because I would be fighting both the gremlins in my life and the desire to find a safe refuge. I barely have the strength for one battle. Allowing myself to believe all will be well because someone cares for me would leave me dependent and half the person I can be. So I want people in my life who will congratulate me when I have truly achieved something, who will encourage me to keep fighting and sometimes show me the way. I want, but don't need, those soft places, because they cause me to stumble and fall. And then I will be truly lost.

In my replies to other posters at times I have grieved with their sorrows and wished I could hold them up for a short time until they get back their courage and strength. I love my family and friends and want them to have the best life possible. So how can I take away their opportunity to grow and develop into wonderful people because I am afraid they will get hurt in the process. And how can I expect any different treatment.

Many people on this forum have come to the conclusion that the only person who can help us is ourselves. We can offer tips, support, point the way, and do all manner of things to help but in the end there is only one person who can do the work. So please, encourage, support, offer your experiences, suggest options, but do not smother anyone in softness without practical help.

I would also love to hug you all.

Mary

Love Hugs and Kisses

blondguy — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 00:11:07 GMT

Hi Everyone 🙂

Good post Mrs Dools...and thanks

Just an positive example on this....When Sherie gives me a hug or a kiss it is from her heart...it helps me feel better about myself and float by my bad 'feelings'

Kaz...Thankyou for 'Beware of Paralysis by Analysis' I will borrow that if I can 🙂

JessF... Thankyou Angela Lansbury for mentioning balance being the key...it is..

I prefer a more friendly and personal touch on BB. After a person summons the strength to write their first post with their issues....Empathy is fine....'clinical' is out...

Just my thoughts (Hi Geoff..give your wonderful pooch a pat for me)

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Love Hugs and Kisses

Starwolf — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 01:28:07 GMT

Hello to all,

Having already responded via the BB cafe, I will not take up more space here.

All above responses only show that everyone is different and has different reactions to the same thing. We all have different needs : some of us need nurturing TLC, while others may do better with a bit of respectful stirring up. These needs may change from one day to the next. The only thing we can do is try to get a feel of the person behind the post and respond to the best of our ability.

Having grown up deprived of parental affection (can't remember being held or cuddled in childhood) and being gang raped later by people I trusted has meant that for many years I was not capable of giving what I never had. Receiving was even worse and I shunned physical contact. I remember running to my uncle's mechanical workshop to cover myself in motor oil and grease just to avoid being embraced by visiting relatives ! These days, although not a natural smoocher, I enjoy giving and receiving a heartfelt hug. Some days, it is just what the inner doctor ordered.

As far as I am concerned, there's no clear cut answer. It all depends on the people involved...and timing. I think intuition and sensitivity are the key to responding adequately.

So best wishes, kind thoughts or cyber hugs to you all. Just take your pick !

Love Hugs and Kisses

Kazzl — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 01:39:23 GMT

Well said Starwolf. Thank you for your thoughts hun.

The way I see it, the forum can be (amongst other things) a place where people can learn and 'test' emotional expressions and behaviours that maybe they have never been able to use before. If that ultimately translates into a greater ease in doing so in their daily lives in the offline world, then that's a bonus. If it doesn't at least they have found a safe place to express themselves.

If it works don't fix it.

By the way Paul you are very welcome to use 'beware of paralysis by analysis' - not my original mate. It's often used (but sadly not always followed) in the public service. Cheers Kaz

Love Hugs and Kisses

Guest_5218 — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 01:51:52 GMT

Hi all,

I have enjoyed reading all your responses to this topic. As expected peoples ideas on it, vary considerably. And I can see certain points that each of you have raised, and I understand them.

Never underestimate the power that the knowledge that someone cares can have on a person's wellbeing. It can provide inspiration and incentive to try new things to help them get well. And then they can continue to receive the support and encouragement from their peers here to continue on that path to recovery. Part of doing that is to develop a bond with the person, to understand them and their problems. And to help them find their own way through the 'maze' of mental illness.

As I continue to point out, we are not qualified mental health practitioners. Perhaps if we were, none of us would need the support and guidance of these Forums? But we can offer peer support. Many of the people here, myself included, isolate themselves socially and have no other real means of support or encouragement. I personally find it very helpful knowing that I have 'friends' here who are going to offer continuing support, encouragement and yes, hugs and kisses when I need it.

Often that alone, is enough to provide the will to keep fighting. I dont see it as a 'safe refuge', instead I see this as a place of inspiration and encouragement from people whom I respect. And whom I want to prove to, that I can beat this.

Of course not everyone will feel the same way that I do. But I can see from reading many posts here over the past 2 months, that a great many people do.

I would like to say that I agree wholeheartedly with what Kazzl has said in her opening comments of her post this morning: "I don't think this is a big issue", and "I don't see very many responses that are just hugs and kisses, except where people have become close to each other". You are spot on here Kaz. And dont worry you weren't too blunt, and I'm sure nobody will be cross over what you have said. Nobody should have to apologise for stating their opinion.

In closing, I offer a heartfelt hug to Mrs Dools and Paul. And to you too Kaz, since you are feeling frazzled today. I know you will each accept this as its intended, and that you'll know I meant it with the very best of intentions.

To everyone else - Have a great day, I wish you all well.

Cheers,

Sherie

Love Hugs and Kisses

Guest_5218 — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 02:13:51 GMT

I note that both Starwolf and Kazzl were probably both posting at the same time as me, so your posts have come in after I posted my reply.

Just read your post Starwolf. I totally agree with everything you have said there. I think I may be a little similar to you, where I also grew up with no outward show of emotion or 'closeness' from my parents. Not that they didnt love us kids, but simply because shows of emotion, either physical or mental, was not the done thing. My parents were not comfortable with any form of physical touching such as hugs or kisses, and they still arent. Possibly as a result of my somewhat 'staid' upbringing I have often been described as being cold, distant or aloof. Personal circumstances 20 years ago probably reinforced and added to that. It is really only about the past 10 years where I have started to feel comfortable, and now actually like, a hug from someone. Cyber or otherwise! I wouldnt say I'm a natural at it yet either, but I am getting there. And I do enjoy both giving and receiving a nice hug when I know its genuine. As I said at the start Starwolf, I agree with you totally. And if I were clever enough, I would have written exactly as you have done. ( - :

Starwolf - I'll take the cyber hug you offered thanks. And return one to you. xx

Kaz - Nice to hear from you again. Hope you're okay?

Sherie xx

Love Hugs and Kisses

Starwolf — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 02:58:34 GMT

Hi there Sherie,

First of all you articulate and convey your feelings clearly.

Great to know you are breaking free from your childhood "staid" mold...as it can get a bit stifling at times !

Kazzl, I 'm totally with you. If online interaction acts as a stepping stone towards re-connecting with the outside world, then it has achieved a significant part of its purpose.

Love Hugs and Kisses

blondguy — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 03:57:26 GMT

Hey 'Starwoof' 😉

Kazzl has nailed this one Star.....If it not broken...dont fix it

Nice1 Kaz 🙂

Sherie...Well said....You are spot on..We are not Health Professionals/Practitioners..Nice1 Sherie xx

Love Hugs and Kisses

white knight — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 04:57:21 GMT

Hi all,

Blonde guy, no one stated we are health professionals.

I feel my views on this topic are not accepted nor respected and withdraw from any further comment.

Tony WK

Love Hugs and Kisses

Guest_5218 — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 05:13:01 GMT

Tony WK,

I'm sorry you feel that way. Certainly no disrespect was ever intended.

Your views are accepted, but some people (including myself) have different views. Thats life.

Anyway your views are registered and many people do, and others will, agree with you.

Dare I say - "you're not alone" ......... ( - :

It appears that this thread has stirred up some very emotive responses.

And as such, if something I may have said has 'offended' Tony, then I think its best I also bow out of the conversation before I hurt someone elses feelings.

Sherie

Love Hugs and Kisses

JessF — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 05:22:06 GMT

Sherie said:
Many of the people here, myself included, isolate themselves socially and have no other real means of support or encouragement. I personally find it very helpful knowing that I have 'friends' here who are going to offer continuing support, encouragement and yes, hugs and kisses when I need it.

This is the sort of thing I was getting at I think, and maybe it's for another discussion rather than this one, but isolating yourself socially is a big symptom of depression. I've done it for years and I still do it. I know that having good connections in my life is one of the things that keeps me well, and as part of that I need to make an effort to move forward on that because my natural inclination is to sit back, lock the door and feel sorry for myself because I am lonely. Yet it is me locking myself in, not anyone else locking me out.

Putting the commas around the 'friends' sums it up for me, I think. The support you get from the internet, especially on an anonymous forum like this where you will never meet the people you're talking to, is never going to replace healthy connections in the real world.

Anyhow I think the point I'm getting at is, do you see (and I mean everyone reading, not just Sherie, I just ralised it might sound like I'm singling out or pointing the finger, which isn't my intention). Do you see coming here as a way to give you confidence and support to break out from social isolation? Or do you think that coming here is actually helping you to remain socially isolated.

I say all this because I know I personally have to put limits on the amount of time I spend on the internet because it too easily becomes like a comfortable shoe with a hole in it. It feels nice, and even though it lets the rain in, it's easier than buying a new pair because that carries with it so much uncertainty and anxiety. Eventually I'm going to need that new pair of shoes, and I'm not sure if it's going to help me in the long run if I surround myself with people that reinforce my decision to stay with my old shoes.