topic Helpful strategies for anger in Staying well

Helpful strategies for anger

Guest_2350 — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 03:49:31 GMT

Hello All,

I am realising lately that I have battled angry phases most of my life and I would be really grateful if you shared your helpful and positive strategies to deal with anger.

Running and physical exercise is something I have used before and it helps. Unfortunately I cannot exercise as I used to - and I struggle with motivation to do easier exercises. Stomping instead of walking helps only to a certain degree.

Meditation is difficult when I am angry as my mind just races and does not want to calm down. Any ideas how I can get my mind to slow down so I can meditate? I would love to be able to step away from my angry thoughts.

I am able to control my anger in front of other people, but I think that only adds to my isolation and feeling frustrated and misunderstood.

I don't think I ever realised what an angry person I am. I am not even sure if that is the right word. There are so many emotions that come up, but lately I have "lovingly" named this recurring mood "angry bird days" in an attempt to make them a little bit lighter. I cycle between angry bird, sad face, numb numb and present. At least I now know these cycles come to an end, whether it is an hour, a day or a week...

I do have meds to take when I struggle and I do have a psych but I would really like to know what else might have helped other people.

Thank you, take care, Yggy

Helpful strategies for anger

Guest_1055 — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 06:16:12 GMT

Hi yggy

Yes I too can become angry and feel frustration big time. That "angry birds" day sounds like the game. It is sort of cute in a way. I normally become angry when I am not getting what I want, desire or need. And sometimes when I see others being hurt as well. Anyway these wants, desires or needs may have come to the surface within me from years ago. As well as in the present. I have also come to the realization that it is OK to be angry. For me it is a struggle to know how to handle this strong emotion when it comes though. I am still learning this lesson too. So you are not alone dear yggy. And I do not want to hurt others with this emotion by it spilling it forcefully out at them...

So some of the strategies I have personally found helpful are:

1) Hitting my pillow with force

2) Scream out in a private spot

3) Exercise e.g. walking/swimming

4) Forgiving a person or people that have hurt you

5) Forgiving myself ( still really learning this one)

6) Don't eat junk, especially chocolate

7) Get enough quality sleep

😎 Drink plenty of water/ keep hydrated

An important topic too yggy that you raised, I really want to read what other people say.

A hug to you, only if you feel like one.

Shell xx

Helpful strategies for anger

White_Rose — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 07:19:50 GMT

Hello Yggy

We really have to stop meeting this way. Anger! Yes I relate to this big time. And sometimes the words are out of mouth before I have even realised I am angry.

So what to. Well Shelley has given you a great list to start with. I like punching your pillow. Couldn't do it for long though as I would get exhausted. One way to control anger.

Forgiving others is good but hard to do. I do practice this but I'm not good yet. I try to look at whatever from the other person's perspective. This doesn't mean I agree with them but it helps me understand why the other does whatever, to some extent.For example, I was constantly angry and hurt by my, now ex, husband. Now when I see him, family affairs etc.) I remind myself that he does comes from a bad childhood with an abusive mother. It doesn't make his actions right, there is no excuse for bullying and abuse, but I understand all the hurt he received and try to keep calm. I would like to say I have forgiven him, and I believe I have to some extent.

I have described at length in a couple of other posts how I have changed my diet. Not to lose weight, although that has been one outcome, but to keep myself healthier and happier. Eating the wrong foods make me feel upset, bloated, cranky and easily upset. Shelley has spoken about need for chocolate and I also used chocolate and similar sugar fixes to be nice to myself. Doesn't work. I need more sugar and get cranky when it's not available. It also gives me headaches which in turn makes me cranky.

Forgiving myself is a hard one. I want to be perfect, don't we all, but I keep failing. (No idea why) I believe the person we get most angry with is ourselves, for a host of reasons. Once we allow ourselves to be human, just as we allow others to be human, we can forgive ourselves occasionally. The trouble is, we know why we do these things and usually know it was not necessary.

So here's your first clue. Look at the reasons you are annoyed and who you are annoyed with. Can you change the situation? If not, then walk away. I know, easier said than done. If you can change it, will you achieve anything by being angry? If not, slow down and think how you can rectify the situation. I find it helps me to control my anger or stop being angry.

I found the Centre for Clinical Interventions on the web. It is run by the Dept of Health in WA. I downloaded some Distress Tolerance modules which looked interesting as it seemed that was my problem. Take a look. They may be helpful to you.

Mary

Helpful strategies for anger

Guest_2350 — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 19:05:47 GMT

Dear Shell, Dear Mary,

Mary, hopefully one day we will create a happiness post - and all of us comment on that as well.

Thank you both for your responses.

I like your idea of hitting a pillow, I always thought about getting a punching bag, but am too worried to hurt my hands. I actually clench my fist and release it when I am angry.

Over the years I have done some screaming as well, I like putting the music up in the car and having a good few screams.

Forgiving myself and forgiving others. Thank you so much for sharing your experience Mary. I am amazed to read about you trying to "forgive" your ex-husband. I know how important it is for you that you can still enjoy family gatherings even when he is about.

I think I need to figure out first why I am angry. I can wake up angry and be angry for days and then find reasons to be angry about, like work, people that annoy me... But the underlying mood is anger to start with and it does not go away when I remove myself from the situation. I can be angry that my favourite cup is not in the cupboard, that the fish are swimming around the wrong way in the pond... Silly little examples but just to show you how weird it is. It feels like I am just looking for things to be angry about as I am angry and I don't know why - or I don't want to know why.

Shell, I am trying to bring a bit of lightness in my illness by calling my moods silly names. The mood swings are bad enough, no need to make them any darker with dark names. I have actually never seen anything about angry birds - is it a movie or a game? I just remember that picture of angry birds and it just sounds like the right name.

Take care, Yggy

Helpful strategies for anger

Kazzl — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 19:37:30 GMT

Yggy my friend, this is an excellent thread and I will watch it eagerly.

I have real problems with anger, always have had. I was brought up not to show it, never let it out and I think that has been damaging for me. I try very hard to control it, but the only way I know is to internalise it.

I have a very sharp tongue and I know that when I'm angry my words can hurt people, and I hate that. I try very hard these days to control it, change my thinking or distract myself, but it's a work in progress.

So I have no solutions to offer, but join you in wanting to hear what others do.

Great post Mary - thank you. And Shelley I like your list and will give those strategies more thought. Thanks hun.

Cheers

Kaz

Helpful strategies for anger

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 21:38:17 GMT

In a book I read it was suggested rather than suppressing our emotions we allow time to think about them and accept them in a kind way. For example if feeling angry think to yourself Í'm feeling angry but it is OK as long as I don't hurt anyone. It is normal to feel angry when really tired & under lots of stress." This approach takes the sting out of the anger because you are not beating yourself up for being angry. It also prevents the problems associated with suppressing it which just makes it come out worse later on.Then you can use some of Shelley's suggestions to get rid of your frustrations.

Helpful strategies for anger

White_Rose — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 21:50:38 GMT

Hello Yggy

Oh how I wish I knew the answer. I could market it and make a fortune. Then I would have no need to be angry.

I sooooo relate to being angry and then finding reasons for being angry. It's as though I need to justify my original anger by finding something else. It's "I told you so." And of course I go on being angry, with myself, because I know how childish and how pointless it all is. So that's a start.

But of course the question is still, "Why did I wake up angry in the first place?" Some of the reasons could be the physical stuff, poor sleep, cold/hot, worry about an event happening that day. The possible list is endless. I just wake feeling my brain is being sandpapered. And the most annoying part is that I avoid actions which I know will help me calm down. How silly can I get?

You asked about meditation. It is more difficult when you feel upset in any way, but you do feel better after meditating. I don't know what sort of meditation you use. I have CD with a short piece of music, 1-2 minutes, then 20 minutes of silence before the music softly starts again. I sit on the settee with my back upright, hands on knees, eyes lightly closed and during the silence I repeat a mantra in my head. Not out loud. When my thoughts stray, as they often do, I acknowledge the thought, put it aside and return to the mantra.

That's the plan. A simple process but not easy. When I say a thought intrudes it could be the feeling of anger without a specific target but again I put it aside. The point of meditation is not that you spend 20 mins, or however long you meditate, actually meditating because this is almost impossible. Those who have been meditating for years will say they get thoughts etc intruding and need to deal with them.

It's the discipline of meditation that is the point. Sitting down in the morning and again in the evening to meditate will gradually form a habit which will quiet your mind. It's not like taking pill which works when it has dissolved. Meditation will slowly build your quiet mind and allow you to draw strength from yourself, strength that you already have but cannot tap into.

And it's like many other things, it gets a bit worse before it gets better. You mind, or part of it, wants the stimulation of anger and other emotions, wants the adrenalin etc. But this slow and patient routine of twice daily meditation will overcome the brain's need for excitement and you will find yourself becoming more at peace.

Out of space, more later.

Mary

Helpful strategies for anger

Guest_1055 — Thu, 10 Mar 2016 00:26:17 GMT

Hey Kaz, yggy, Mary, Elizabeth

I was raised up the same as you Kaz, anger was something you could not let out. So if you felt angry, you sort of unknowingly stuffed it within you. There was no example shown on how to deal with this powerful emotion. Nor was it spoken of. So for me, I think I just kept stuffing it down, and stuffing it down.Then later on in adult life it sort of exploded. I had no skills to know how to deal with it.

Shell xx

Helpful strategies for anger

Quercus — Fri, 05 May 2017 07:49:05 GMT

Hi everyone,

I was looking for another thread that CMF recommended and found this instead.

Does anyone have any suggestions they could add? As I said to CMF I'm at a loss with managing my anger.

Most days I'm ok and then the kids will be noisy and I just lose the plot. I'm on ADs already which seems to help the depression and anxiety but this feeling of helpless frustrated rage keeps coming back.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Helpful strategies for anger

Doolhof — Fri, 05 May 2017 08:06:34 GMT

Hi Quercus,

Have you read the list Shell has written in this post? There are some great points in there. I seem to recall another post on Anger Management as well, but I have no idea where it might be. A lady asked me what we did last Saturday and I couldn't even remember that.

For me if I am becing angry I try to leave the immediate environment if possible.

I take a few deep breaths and try to think why my buttons were pushed.

I might go and have a shower if that is appropriate.

Make a coffee and sit outside so I calm down.

Rip up some paper for the fire or cardboard which is harder still.

I might get out paper and pen and draw until the anger subsides or colour in.

For me, sucking up the anger does not always work, it just explodes out of me later on or makes me feel miserable.

Is it possible for you to walk out of the area where the children are so you can calm down a little.

Would playing some music calm your nerves?

Count from 100 to 0 in 3s.

How old are your children roughly if you don't mind me asking? Have you heard of the game "Sleeping Logs" The idea is for everyone to lie very still and quiet, the one who does so the longest is the winner. Maybe you could add an incentive of some sort depending on the age of the children.

We used to play that game when I worked in Outside School Hours Care and Vacation Care. Ha. Ha.

Hopefully others will be able to come up with some other ideas.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

Helpful strategies for anger

Quercus — Fri, 05 May 2017 08:18:14 GMT

Thanks Mrs D,

I love the idea of the sleeping logs game (will be trying that tomorrow!).

There are heaps of good suggestions on here I just find it hard to put them in practice while being screamed at or hit or climbed all over.

Swallowing my pride and begging my father in law to take the kids away from me for a bit has worked a treat. I'm sitting on the couch drinking tea. First time all day I haven't been angry.

I think I need a new job. I can't handle dealing with my kids noise all day knowing I'm going to work tonight which will be a chaotic crowd of noisy angry and frustrated people. Hmmm. Yep change of career time.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it.

Helpful strategies for anger

Elizabeth CP — Mon, 08 May 2017 09:29:53 GMT

There have been a lot of good suggestions in this thread particularly for dealing with anger in the midst of it. I think it is important to distinguish between strategies for coping when in the midst of feeling angry & those to cope long term. When really feeling angry & upset I need to escape quickly before losing control. For example I remember dumping my screaming baby in his cot & walking outside away from the screams because I knew if I remained near him any longer I was likely to do something I would regret. Similarly after a long period of stress & sleepless nights due to my youngest child keeping me up every night with her screaming despite every effort to calm her I gave her to my husband as he walked in the door from work telling him I was not going to touch her for the next 5 days while he was home from work. She was 12 months old & I ended up sick with mastitis from stopping breastfeeding so suddenly but it was worth it. I had been scared i would hurt her & never be able to forgive myself. The break allowed me to recover & the baby to get into a better routine. She is now a lovely adult & we have a great relationship.

It is also important to look at more long term strategies to reduce the frequency & severity of anger. For example trying to change the way you look at things can help. My oldest son was very stubborn & difficult when young but I constantly reminded myself that the stubbornness would be good when he was a teenager as he would not bow to peer pressure. The self talk didn't change his behaviour but helped me see it more positively which made it less stressful. My predictions came true as he was the one who others looked up to.

I find that when very tired or stressed I can lose my temper easily. I found when I started to get upset my husband would react negatively causing things to escalate. I eventually got help from my psychologist who helped me discuss the situation with my husband so I was able to give him warning when I'm getting upset so he knows to back off. This has made a huge difference. Once I calm down I can then discuss things rationally