topic Letting Go of Perfectionism in Staying well

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Brett — Fri, 10 Jan 2014 04:37:23 GMT

Hi All,

I have spoken to a few people about high standards or perfectionism. The link between perfectionism and my mental health has been strong for over two decades. If I don't do a perfect job (in my mind) there is something seriously wrong with me. If someone is looking at me, again, (in my mind) they are srutinising me and there is something seriously wrong with me. I am tired. I am trying to get used to doing a good enough job instead of a perfect job. It is taking time but I am already feeling the benefits. And if someone really is looking or staring at me then so be it; the problem is their's and not mine. My guess is that some of us worry too much about what we do and what other people think. I am not talking about doing the wrong thing or hurting other people. Instead I am talking (actually rambling) about lowering the care factor to a healthy level. If anyone knows more about lowering high or perfectionistic standards, or has something to add, please give me a reply.

Kind Regards,

Brett.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

joey — Fri, 10 Jan 2014 07:50:00 GMT

Nope - despite all my improvements I know nothing about this topic. I have tried but can't move forward with lowering my standards. Because I fear how will I know when to stop lowering them. What if I become mediocre.

Anyway - sorry this is not helpful other than to say I share your problem! And I acknowledge that its a problem but haven't been able to move forward with fixing it.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Pixie15 — Fri, 10 Jan 2014 09:26:21 GMT

Hi Brett,

I think perhaps that perfection as a standard is impossible for anyone or anything to fulfill and so it is unfair to impose it. There is an idea of mindfulness which I came across which suggests that to be mindful is to be aware of everything and certain of nothing. I don't think it means not having standards but being prepared to adapt to new information and changing circumstances. I don't know if this idea makes any sense to you but it has helped me.

Peace,

Daisy

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Girl_Anachronism — Fri, 14 Mar 2014 00:49:01 GMT

Hi,

I guess I am in the same position as some of you. I know I am a perfectionist and I also know that perfection is something that can never be attained. Even though I am aware of this flaw- that I demand something unattainable of myself I don't know how to fix it. I feel like deliberately going out and doing something less than perfection and deliberaely not doing any more when I could; is accepting mediocrity. I can't describe how much mediocrity feels abhorrent in my mind.

I am working on this with my psych though, so maybe there is a way to fix it.

GA

Letting Go of Perfectionism

geoff — Fri, 14 Mar 2014 14:07:53 GMT

dear Brett, I am just going to through a query to you, that being a perfectionist can be related to OCD, just saying. Geoff.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

oneblackdog — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 04:54:31 GMT

G'day Brett

I understand where you're coming from as I have spent much time with my dr on this topic. The root of my problem is not the standards I achieve, but my perception of what people will think of me if the work I do isn't good enough. My self esteem is linked directly to my standards - when people compliment me on the work I do I get very awkward and embarrassed, because I see problems that they don't. I am superior to you because my standards are higher. I always see problems. I can never do a job good enough, I can let myself be good enough. I must berate myself for not doing a perfect job, even if you think it is.

My dr is into asking the hard questions, and he keeps asking me "Is anything really perfect?"

The hard questions for me are "why can't I let myself be just good enough?", "what am I trying to buy with my perfectionism?" and "is that the cheapest way to buy it?"

Cheers

OBD

Letting Go of Perfectionism

geoff — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 21:37:49 GMT

dear OBD, perfectionism can not be bought, it doesn't come in a bottle so that we can buy it, it only comes with experience, and also the trial and error of our situation, plus I maybe perfect in one area, whereas somebody else may not be, so the question is does perfectionism ever exist as a general rule. Geoff.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Vera55 — Mon, 07 Apr 2014 08:24:32 GMT

Interesting debate on a very complex topic.

perfectionism has many faces. One of them can make mental demands on us that we have to be perfect in everything we say and do. Another could be that others have to be perfect in order to be acceptable, lovable, respected etc. Another still could be that all works have to be perfect. And isn't it awful if they aren't. And so on.

ultimatelly, it's a story we tell ourselves that creates an inner struggle of how things actually are and how we think they should be. V.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

lexy_r — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 23:22:39 GMT

I would like to revive this thread if possible. This is what I am currently fighting.

I put so much emphasis on what people think of me, I have to be perfect and the best for people to like me. I need to be the smartest, prettiest, have the best clothes, be the fittest, strongest, have a bikini body etc or no one will want to be my friend and will talk about me behind my back.

Its like I have completely lost my self identity trying to peruse this “perfect person”

I try so hard to be this person, it’s a vicious cycle. This is a very simple expanse but I have an idea e.g Ok, I’all get a haircut to make myself feel better, have such unrealistic standard on this haircut that it will transform my life, haircut obviously doesn’t do that, I get tired and depressed.

Does anyone here identify with any themes here?

Letting Go of Perfectionism

SammyD100 — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 00:59:51 GMT

Hi lexy_r

Well done and thankyou for posting about experiences that I’m sure many other people can relate to! Hopefully you get some replies based on others’ experiences too, but I thought I’d respond from the perspective of a Psychology Masters student.

Thoughts such as the ones you are describing are actually quite common. Many people hold onto beliefs like “To be a worthwhile person, I must be perfect at everything I do”, “If I fail at something then I am a failure as a person”, “I must keep working at something until it is done exactly right” etc. Not only can these beliefs be really strongly held, but they can also get in the way of our day to day experiences and enjoyment of life. It sounds like you have these types of perfectionistic beliefs which are very strong for you, and are holding you back? And it also sounds like you are able to acknowledge that at some level, these thoughts are unhelpful and you’d like to be able to challenge these?

You also appear to have a lot of insight when you describe the vicious cycle you find yourself in. You’re absolutely right, when you are in this mindset you will never be able to achieve this ‘perfection’ you are seeking. No amount of haircuts, expensive clothes, perfect body etc will ever be enough, and then the fact that the haircut didn’t change anything for you will actually make you feel even worse.

There is lots of evidence to support a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) approach to changing thoughts such as the ones you are having. It might be worth considering seeing your GP for a referral to a Psychologist through a Mental Health Care Plan (this is Medicare rebatable). The Psychologist would be able to work through these thoughts and challenge them with you for six or so sessions, and be able to help you see that there are costs involved in thinking this way, and perhaps benefits to relaxing a standard or ‘rule’ that you have developed for yourself. Through this process you would be able to challenge and modify the thoughts so that they no longer ‘control’ you.

Hope that helps a bit and good luck!

SammyD

Letting Go of Perfectionism

lexy_r — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 09:13:36 GMT

Hi Sammy,

Thank you for touching base. It’s taken me 4 psychoglist and many mental health care plans to gain the insights I have.

This has only happened this year, so now I am at least aware of what I’m thinking. So my next steps are changing these thought patterns and identifying my triggers.

It would be awesome to to be able to chat to people here who are experiencing the same thought patterns too.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

smallwolf — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 11:53:04 GMT

Hi,

I have seeing a psychologist for some time. One of my predispositions is perfectionism. For me, it relates to setting standards that are unreachable. It also is associated with procrastination, putting off or not making decisions etc. Of course, if you dont reach your standards every time you "fail". At least that is what your mind tells you.

So how do you overcome it? By introducing the "imperfection" into your life. One way I do this by writing a haiku poems. There are no real rules to except that it follows the 5-7-5 principle regard syllables per line. So 3 lines, and the 1st line has 5 syllables, the 2nd line has 7 syllables and the last line has 5 syllables. To make it an exercise for imperfection, I give myself 5 minutes. And you cannot rub out, cross out is OK. If you dont finish, you dont finish.

Or take up a hobby that exposes to imperfection and acceptance.

Also, perfectionism is evident (for me) in an all or nothing view in unhelpful thoughts. And then I have to go through a process to reviewing and questioning myself with alternative view and challenges.

Tim

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Unbeliever — Tue, 29 Jan 2019 14:48:27 GMT

I've always found the concept of "perfection" flawed (ironically).

I've spent a great deal of time thinking about it and no matter which mental path I take I always eventually reach the same point... which is that "perfection is simply not plausible".

For example... my version of what I would consider "perfect" is not yours, nor is it anyone elses. It can't possibly be. Which means that even if you somehow happened to achieve something in a way that you considered to be "perfect"... no-one else would see it that way. Likewise, if you achieved something that someone else considered to be "perfect"... likely you wouldn't see it that way.

Additionally, perfection cannot exist in a static state. The line where "perfection" as even a concept could exist for you or me or anyone else would always be moving. Which would mean that even "perfection" could not last even if it could somehow be achieved.

Because of this the whole concept is flawed. And the pursuit of it in itself can only be folly.

I have also considered this in terms of a "heaven" (which is interpreted by many to be a perfect place of existence). This kind of place isn't possible, unless it exists in a completely different state for each and every entity who ever went there... and it was constant state of change. But even then... only a small part of it would be what an individual interpretes as "perfect", because the majority of it would have to cater for everyone elses "perfection" (which would make it "imperfect" for the rest). And on top of all that... your "perfection" couldn't be shared with anyone else, because it wouldn't be perfect for anyone else... which would mean you could only enjoy it alone. Which again would likely make it "imperfect" again.

Many people consider "balance" to be "perfection". But even what you or I or anyone else considers to be "balanced" would be different to each other. Your interpretation of "perfect balance" would not be the same as anyone elses.

In the end, perfection cannot exist. It is an illusionary concept that humans created to describe the "perfect balance" of their own ever changing state personal biases and individual interpretations.

And therefore deliberately trying to pursue such a flawed concept can only be an utter waste of time.

The only realistic goal can be to do the best that you can do and (if you wish) to try and do improve on your past attempts if you ever do it again in the future.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Skary Bill — Fri, 08 Feb 2019 10:17:40 GMT

I guess I'll just add my need to pursue perfection in everything I do to the list of flaws I'm already working on then lol.

In my world, perfection is very much an attainable quality. In as such as, it's possible to achieve perfectly square or perfectly flat, to a point where any variance is beyond negligible. Or more specifically, to a point where all the other corners line up with each other upon final assembly. Which is always handy. Why just today, I adjusted some drawer slides so the drawer just clicks shut perfectly with a gentle push.

I'd even argue there is nothing wrong with the pursuit of perfection, as many have spent entire lifetimes honing their skills in a craft and are driven to great things along the way. But for me, and I suspect others, it becomes a problem when you require it, rather than simply aspire towards it.

I've known for some time that my 'need' for perfection in the results I achieve is stopping me from doing things. And has brought my productivity to a complete halt many times now. It causes me to become stuck on simple decisions and ultimately has become one of the biggest sources of stress and anxiety in my life.

So I am fighting the urge. I constantly remind myself that not everything needs to be perfect. And the functional result I could be achieving will always far outweigh the perfect result I'm procrastinating over.

Anyway, the battle rages on. As Tim suggests above, I've deliberately introduced imperfection into my process, and seek to embrace it's interesting beauty. I don't think I could say I'm winning the battle yet lol.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

smallwolf — Fri, 08 Feb 2019 23:16:01 GMT

Skary Bill (and all),

When my psychologist said that I had issues with perfectionism, it was not that I did not believe her, but I needed to find more information on how to overcome. The documentation that I read was from this site...

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Perfectionism

If you get a chance it is worth reading. And despite best efforts, I still am and it will take a while to deal with otherwise.

Tim

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Skary Bill — Sat, 09 Feb 2019 08:42:14 GMT

Looks like some good reading material, thanks Tim.

Bill.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

Unbeliever — Sun, 10 Feb 2019 05:42:39 GMT

... now I'm just finding it fascinating that a "perfectionist" could have obviously lower standards of perfection than I do.

Thanks, you managed to put a smile on my face. 🙂