topic so tired of everything in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 11:50:31 GMT

i haven't been on here for a while but been struggling a lot recently. ive been pretty much forced into recovery from an ed which is causing me a lot of stress and everything just feels really hopeless.

i reach out the start of last year and started going to therapy, it took me a while to open up but when i finally told my psychologist about my ed behaviours i got referred to somewhere else because she didn't treat eds. i still really wish i could just go back and see her because she actually helped me. where i got referred didn't help, was doing fbt there (cymhs, I'm under 18) and finally got offered individual therapy but then my treatment team there suggested i go on medication for anxiety depression and OCD (OCD which literally got 100 times worse after I stopped seeing my first psychologist). and my parents are against medication so now im stuck seeing a third different support person who I don't click with and don't want to talk to.

all of this is making it really hard to abstain from self harming because I just feel so consistently overwhelmed with anxiety and intrusive thoughts and everything just feels like too much. ive also been feeling a lot more suicidal than i was because of all the stress. im safe, but the thoughts do get overwhelming when they steer in the direction of ways i could hurt myself. its not like i think i would even act on them ever really, i still hate the thoughts nonetheless tho.

i wish i could feel better but i feel hopeless.

so tired of everything

Sophie_M — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 12:03:16 GMT

Hey jumpy_jellyfish

Thanks for reaching out tonight.

Sounds like youre very overwhelmed at this time and feel forced rather than willingly manage your ed. No wonder you're stressed. We want you to know that you're not alone and with the right supports again things can improve.

We're concerned about your thoughts of suicide and self harm, so we have sent a private message to check in with you.

We hope you know that there is always support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

If thoughts of self harm or suicide are in fact with you tonight, where you feel like acting on those thoughts, then this is an emergency, and you should call 000 immediately.

so tired of everything

smallwolf — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 12:31:16 GMT

hello again and welcome back. Though the circumstances don't seem that great. And while I know you do not feel that great at the moment, you were able to come here and talk about it. If my reading, responding, listening helps just a little ...

It sounds as though you might have had a good relationship with your first psychologist. It seems you would like to the go back to that person?

You also mentioned being under 18 - have you tried Kids Helpline? You can call them on 1800 55 1800 and their web site address is https://kidshelpline.com.au/

If you want to chat about what is bothering you ...

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 13:47:40 GMT

hey, thanks i appreciate you responding x

yeah i do want to go back and see my first psychologist but thats not really an option atm which is pretty upsetting honestly...

ive been in touch with a regular counsellor from kids helpline for a while yeah, helpful most of the time which is good I guess to have somewhere to talk about everything

thanks again for listening, it means a lot:)

so tired of everything

geoff — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 15:16:55 GMT

Hello Jumpy jellyfish, I'm sorry you are experiencing this type of disorder, but the first psychologist may be able to help you in trying to find out the reasons why you have ed (eating disorder) and not necessarily how to overcome it.

Other factors in your life have caused this to happen and then one problem leads onto another problem, so if you send an email she might change her mind.

If it's related to OCD then a specialised psychologist may be more helpful.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 02:48:13 GMT

thanks Geoff, i might see if I can email her although i also have the issue of convincing my mum to let me swap supports. she seems to be trying to do what she thinks is best but i think it's influenced by her experiences in therapy rather than what i feel would help me.

I think that in some ways my ocd is related to my ed and trying to feel in control of really violent intrusive thoughts but i don't really even know so getting help to figure that out would probably be a good idea. will see how things go anyways. thanks:)

so tired of everything

Miz — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 04:23:01 GMT

hi jumpy jellyfish

thanks for reaching out - it sounds like you've been struggling to feel heard by your parents. I've been through something similar with my parents when I was struggling as a teenager. I think the best thing to do to make your needs feel heard is to try and be really clear about what you think will help you the most (like seeing your old psychologist). I think sometimes our parents want to control the situations we are in but often that doesn't help us!

Hope you find someone that can help you!

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 07:43:32 GMT

thanks Miz:) i get really anxious about talking to anyone in person about what i feel like i want especially to my parents but trying to work toward being able to say something (sooner rather thsn later would be nice) about it clearly. will try anyways:)

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 10:08:24 GMT

this is so exhausting. everything. being alive takes so much effort and there's so many thoughts going through my head all the time about anything and everything bad that could possibly happen, about how worthless i feel and its so overwhelming. self harm has been a bit of an issue recently too, although i always feel invalid about it especially since the time a nurse saw my recent self harm and passed onto my doctor that it was "superficial". it was, but still having someone else say that feels like it's not bad enough and just for attention, even though i was terrified that anyone saw it. im safe anyways for now, just having a rough night like usual.

so tired of everything

Sophie_M — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 10:35:35 GMT

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

We're sorry to hear how exhausting things are for you at the moment and that you're feeling so worthless. We just want to remind you that all life is important, including yours. Reaching out for help is such a brave thing to do, and we are so glad that you have. You are not alone.

We want you to know that there is always extra immediate support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Both Beyond Blue and our online community members are here with you.

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 10:37:53 GMT

thanks

so tired of everything

smallwolf — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 11:59:04 GMT

i read somewhere and posted it into the quotes thread ... sometimes just making it through the day is enough.

sorry to hear about what you heard the medical staff say. Any self-harm should be taken seriously. If you want to chat about what has been on your mind....

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 12:18:22 GMT

i like the quote xx and yeah, i wish i hadn't been so dismissed...

just feeling like theres so much going on. gone on a bit of a shame spiral comparing my appearance to what i looked like ironically before my ed about a year ago cus since then she gained weight from b/p ing and feel really out of control. it really isn't helping all the thoughts, and my compulsions ahve been getting a lot worse recently because of lack of treatment for my ocd and stress. my head just feels like a real mess. im exhausted tbh, just want to try sleep and get this day over. i hope that you are going okay, also xx

so tired of everything

smallwolf — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 07:32:18 GMT

still sounds as though there is a lot on your plate to deal with.

do you have any strategies to help you deal with the negative thoughts?

for example... I have a note taking app on my phone that I use. And if I need to, I can show that to my psychologist. It makes it easier for me than having to remember things and say it when it is already there. The other thing I found with writing it down was that it helped to get it out of my mind.

You also mentioned being under 18... Is school going OK for you?

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 08:24:58 GMT

sometimes i try writing them down (well scribbling anyways) and ive found it helps yeah, usually I just rely on distracting myself, music and drawing are my go to ones.

school is... school. its okay but lost a lot of friends last year which didn't help everything. at least i have a few close mates. hate the schoolwork but i do fine. glad to be on holidays atm but also need the distraction so idk.

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 10:55:29 GMT

i hate this. i feel like i can't escape my thoughts. the suicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts about my family and the people close to me getting hurt are so overwhelming and i wish they would stop. im safe i just never know how to escape the thoughts.

so tired of everything

Sophie_M — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 11:07:56 GMT

Hey jumpy jellyfish :-],
Thanks for reaching out tonight,
We're sorry to hear you're struggling to manage suicidal thoughts and other intrusive thoughts. This must be so draining. Has there been a strategy or method you have used in the past that has helped to ease these intrusive thoughts?

Please know that there are counsellors available on the KidsHelpline who can speak with you and perhaps suggest some strategies that might help right now. If you feel up to it, you can reach out to them on phone or webchat here: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 11:21:33 GMT

sort of. nothing really stops them, i usually just try listen to music or something of the sort and zone them out if i can a little. otherwise for now im trying to get the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness out of my head and writing them all down, it's a mess but that mirrors my head rn so. don't really feel up to talking to khl rn but thanks

so tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Sat, 15 Jan 2022 12:43:05 GMT

ive self harmed almost every day for the past few weeks and i just don't know how else to cope. i feel like i use all the coping strategies i can think of and then nothing gives me the same relief and then it just happens...

im exhausted and scared and i wish i could disappear. i don't want to do this. i would never act on my suicidal thoughts but it does make me feel terrible having them. i just want some peace from them that lasts more than 5 minutes every once in a while. i want it to all stop. im safe and all, just tired.

so tired of everything

Sophie_M — Sat, 15 Jan 2022 12:47:07 GMT

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

We can really hear how intense these thoughts of suicide are for you right now, and although you've mentioned you're safe at the moment, we would always encourage you and other community members to seek support whenever needed - Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) or LifeLine (13 11 14), in case you wanted to talk things through in more detail. Please know that you're not alone.