topic The constant struggle. in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

The constant struggle.

Centaured — Wed, 17 Nov 2021 22:25:58 GMT

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

The constant struggle.

Ggrand — Thu, 18 Nov 2021 00:01:16 GMT

Hello Dear Centaured,

I do believe that if we go to sleep with a chatty mind or unhealthy thoughts...that’s the way we wake up...it used to happen to me...still does but not to the extent it did..

I started listening to sleep stories when I went to bed..they are beautiful stories of mostly far away places, exploring or having a picnic in the nice surroundings..things like that, the idea is to listen to them in the background..if your minds wanders of the story, try to pull yourself up and go back to listening to the story.....They seem to relax my thoughts before sleep, and I wake up in a kind of calming mind....If I don’t then their are morning stories to listen to before starting the day.....

I know in your heart and soul that you want to die at all Lovely Centaured, you want the pain and hurt to stop, as a lot of us do....But dying isn’t the answer...It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem...and we don’t even know if our pain and hurt will remain after death....

Centaured....Maybe each day...do something positive for you..it can be the smallest thing...like sitting outside for 5 minutes, or take a bit longer in the shower and be very mindful of the tension leaving you as the warm/hot shower water falls on your head....just small things to start with...

Myself personally I like to sit outside and take a break from the monotonous daily life of living in this very fast paced world...

Hope to hear from you again Dear Centaured..

My kindest wishes with my care..

Grandy..

The constant struggle.

On The Road — Thu, 18 Nov 2021 00:10:03 GMT

Hey centaured,

I'm sorry that you feel this way. I can't imagine the struggle that you are having constantly day by day. I didn't read your previous posts yet but I think even though I learn I can't fully feel your struggle.

But I resonate with this endless pain from waking up to laying down again, hoping it to end and it is just there... it is exhausting, I know, it is really exhausting... 😞

I wonder if you could talk more or you may choose not to talk instead find some distractions then here is always a good place that's the main reason why I'm here

you can ring beyondblue service 1300 22 4636 here if it is necessary

People are always here to hear your voice and can see a tired you when you are too tired to say.

The constant struggle.

Petal22 — Thu, 18 Nov 2021 09:29:59 GMT

Hi Centaured,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I learned that these type of thoughts sometimes accompany anxiety and depression.

Have you thought about talking to your gp about the way you are feeling? And the type of thoughts you are experiencing?

I understand that they are tiring and unrelenting at times.

Sometimes they feel as though they are yelling at you.

Have you ever tried meditation?

Your not alone

The constant struggle.

Not_Limited — Thu, 18 Nov 2021 11:33:12 GMT

Hi Centaured,

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I can resonate with you.

That dark abyss can not only seem never-ending and scary but also comforting. However, there is no real comfort there, it's a story we tell ourselves because living just feels so hard. As much as the abyss feels never-ending, there is always light, even if we have to try really hard just to see a speck of it.

There are many reasons you may feel this way, even if you are unsure why you are. The important thing though is to seek help to find out why you are feeling this way. That's the speck and the first step towards it. There is a relief, trust me, and not in how you're currently feeling. Thirteen years on and I am living proof.

The biggest relief comes in understanding why you are feeling this way. Once you have that piece of the puzzle, with supportive help the light gets bigger and brighter. Y ou've got it. You have already started by seeking understanding and support here and that is huge.

Believe in you, because everyone here does and we are all in your corner.

The constant struggle.

Centaured — Sun, 21 Nov 2021 03:30:49 GMT

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I ended up in hospital on Thursday. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm home now and have little more focus on the future.

My friends have decided to take me to the pride parade and afterparty on Saturday. Gonna go as a fabulous drag queen if I can get the right outfit.

The constant struggle.

Not_Limited — Sun, 21 Nov 2021 04:59:54 GMT

Hi Centaured

So glad you made that first big step for some professional direction and give yourself some focus. The future is our oyster and every baby step we make gets us there.

Sounds like Saturday will be an amazing day with lots of fun for you. I'm sure your friends would be more than willing to help you put that fabulous outfit together.

The constant struggle.

Ggrand — Sun, 21 Nov 2021 08:11:10 GMT

Hi Centaured...

Just calling in to ask you how Saturday went and if you all had a good time and enjoyed yourselves....We all need to get away from our everyday routine...Doing so makes it feel like a little holiday...

Kind thoughts Lively Centaured..

Grandy..

The constant struggle.

Centaured — Sun, 21 Nov 2021 09:45:54 GMT

It's next Saturday Grandy

The constant struggle.

On The Road — Mon, 22 Nov 2021 01:07:11 GMT

Hi centaured

Im glad that your friends can be here with you and cheer you up, enjoy this weekend, hope you have much fun!

The constant struggle.

Centaured — Wed, 24 Nov 2021 07:42:45 GMT

I'm really struggling with my thoughts today. My mh case manager came to see me today and I just froze and couldn't say I wasn't coping today. I'm useless and pathetic.

If I hurt myself this week or next week I'll be told I'm unfit to fly and won't get to see my dad or partner for Christmas. Fck.

Urhhhh. I can't do this.

The constant struggle.

Sophie_M — Wed, 24 Nov 2021 07:47:09 GMT

Hey Centaured,

Thanks for reaching out tonight,

We're sorry to hear you're in a tough place at the moment and we understand how difficult it can be to open up when prompted. Please know you're not useless or pathetic, you will get through this. Our support service is checking in with your privately.

Please remember to call 000 if you're in immediate danger to yourself.

The constant struggle.

On The Road — Thu, 25 Nov 2021 04:13:32 GMT

Hi Centaured, I hope you checked with the support service. How are you feeling today?

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, Centaured. and I'm sorry that you have feelings of uselessness sometimes we just don't know how to say it and we freeze. I can't remember how many times I totally stuck or froze in front of others while racing thoughts were messing my brain.... embarrassing, isn't it? It is difficult to open up and talk about my feelings at some points. Many times I wish I could present myself better... but these things happen quite often, and happen to many people.

Try not to stress yourself because this is not job interviewing or going on The Voice you don't need to prove anything to your case manager. As I said before, you are tired, your feelings are validated and it is completely OK that you couldn't talk about your feelings.

An imperfect conversation doesn't mean you don't have the capability to hold one. sometimes they will understand by observing non-verbal languages. And believe me, they also feel down because they may think they didn't do their jobs well.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you, take care

The constant struggle.

Centaured — Thu, 25 Nov 2021 23:46:06 GMT

Hey on the road. I ended up in hospital on Wednesday. I don't really have capacity to formulate a proper reply atm sorry.

Will chat soon.

The constant struggle.

On The Road — Sun, 28 Nov 2021 14:08:53 GMT

No worry, take care of yourself Centaured.

The constant struggle.

Centaured — Sun, 28 Nov 2021 22:36:46 GMT

Hey on the road.

I was discharged on Saturday and made it to the pride afterparty. I had lots of fun at the event.

Though now I'm suffering for it. My joint condition is playing up, yesterday I had 4 falls because my legs collapsed underneath just by going to toilet from bed. My body hurts so much. I hate flare ups and this one is bad. I can barely move this morning. It's shit.

The constant struggle.

Sophie_M — Mon, 29 Nov 2021 05:12:49 GMT

Hey Centaured,

Thanks for sharing this with us here. We can hear you're in pain, and we can imagine how hard that must be. We're thinking of you.

Just a note to say we've checked in with you privately, and are here if you need us on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

The constant struggle.

On The Road — Mon, 29 Nov 2021 05:57:48 GMT

Hi Centaured,

I'm glad that you made it to the party and had a lot of fun! How was it? Tell me more about it. 🙂

I'm sorry that your joints are acting up at the moment trying to kill all the joy. IT IS SHITTY like salt rubbing into the wonds. It must be difficult for you to bear with all these physical discomforts.🙁 Are someone there with you to support you?

Do you have any methods to soothe the pain? Have u tried to distract yourself by doing something such as binge-watching, gaming, drawing, or just sharing something on here? Anyway, tell me more about the party 🙂

I'm not a party animal but I love seeing ppl having fun. I mean the summer has just begun 😸

The constant struggle.

Centaured — Wed, 01 Dec 2021 17:05:20 GMT

Thanks for the concern on the road. Youre a really lovely person.

The constant struggle.

On The Road — Thu, 02 Dec 2021 03:59:04 GMT

Hi Centaured sorry for getting excited 😂

is the situation of your legs getting better now?

Hope everything goes smooth for you and have a great holiday~ 🙂