topic Re: I give up in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

I give up

Done_ — Fri, 02 May 2025 10:43:44 GMT

I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of having to multitask between the loudness of my head, my anxiety, being in pain all the time from SH working a full time job that I get bullied at but shoe no emotion. I’m just tired and I can’t go on like this. Knowing my shit is incurable makes it worse bc what’s the point then if it’s never going to get better. My behaviours are getting out of hand and I can’t stop them but professionals say otherwise. My episodes are more frequent and my impulsivity it’s too much and detrimental. I can’t anymore. I just can’t.

Re: I give up

smallwolf — Sun, 04 May 2025 05:55:06 GMT

Hello and welcome.

You matter.

That you have written on this forum what you are going through, and sounds painful in every way, putting that into words takes courage.

Even if professionals haven’t fully understood you yet, there are people who will listen, who do care, and who can walk with you on this journey. I would hope there is help that fits you. I also hope you can give yourself even a small ounce of the compassion you’ve been denied elsewhere.

You don’t have to be “okay” to keep going. You just need a little space to breathe—and someone to remind you that even if it feels hopeless now, this isn’t the end of your story.

If you're in immediate danger or feel like you might hurt yourself, please reach out to a crisis line or someone you trust. You're not a burden. You're a person who deserves support and relief from this pain.

Listening...

Re: I give up

therising — Sun, 04 May 2025 18:44:25 GMT

The warmest of welcomes to you at what sounds like the most challenging or perhaps worst time of your life. My heart goes out to you so much.

No one prepares us for the worst time of our life. It can feel like the most confusing and tormenting time, the most depressing time, the loneliest time and the most hopeless time. It can be a time where inner dialogue is at it's worst and if we've got any so called 'inner demons' it can feel like they're finally getting the better or us. It can basically feel like some kind of hell on earth. Finding others who can relate to this can definitely be key to gaining some relief and direction. When no one around us is making life any easier (the complete opposite in some cases), finding people who can relate can offer us what we need most. As smallwolf mentions, 'Even if professionals haven’t fully understood you yet, there are people who will listen, who do care, and who can walk with you on this journey'. Such people can sometimes make the difference professionals aren't able to make.

Out of all the things that lead you to feel a sense of sufferance, what would you say is the one thing (above all else) that you suffer with or through the most? Give yourself the freedom to express it here. Whether it involves the overwhelming struggle with inner dialogue or perhaps the ability to sense so much in life (including sensing all that is stressful and depressing), feel free to express yourself and the level or type of sufferance you feel. The strongest and most inspiring relationships are typically formed through being able to relate. I hope we can offer you relationships that make the difference you so desperately need and deserve. ❤️

Re: I give up

Ben5 — Mon, 05 May 2025 13:26:42 GMT

That sounds really tough and I can’t imagine what you’re going through with these circumstances. But putting a message in here is courageous and an important first step

It’s difficult and everyone is different, but I try and not think about the future. Just a day at a time. And having people who can understand and relate can be a comfort or reassurance.

Re: I give up

Done_ — Tue, 06 May 2025 10:35:19 GMT

Thank you i appreciate your response. Professionals won’t understand, they could never. It’s very rare be to find anyone that’s not in their profession just for the money and actually want to help. It’s tiring chasing the people who say they’re qualified for specified issues but the moment they read detailed referrals they say no. Like how can they be qualified in issues they deem to difficult to take on and it’s confusing and makes no sense and each rejection is a trigger and causes episodes, so it’s best I just don’t chase it and delay any sort of permanent action. Anyway it doesn’t matter. Thank you for reading my drama and acknowledging.

Re: I give up

Done_ — Tue, 06 May 2025 10:53:30 GMT

I didn’t expect anyone to respond or even acknowledge anything I said.

It’s hard having to deal with shitty people everyday at work and tasks get so overwhelming and one issue feeds off another issue and I work myself up on the inside and feel like I could smash a wall but it is so agonising to display a straight face and maintain a conversation with how f’d up my insides feel. And 9 times out of 10 all that shit comes to the surface in my spare moment that I have no choice but to go and seek help. I don’t even know how bad it is ant the time until after and it’s like i know but i don’t but also paralysed to stop and that’s the part that i can’t actually put into a proper explanation when the professionals ask me why so instead I don’t bother to reply. And I have no idea how I even do it but I finish my physically demanding shift in the state that I’m in, smile on my face and play pretend until I walk out the door and I’m just so tired and sick of the pain in my body and the torture in my head and it’s every single day it just doesn’t let up. Anyway I’ll shut up now I don’t even know if I’m making any sense. Thanks for listening!

Re: I give up

therising — Tue, 06 May 2025 16:54:45 GMT

Hi Done_

Everything you say makes complete sense. I think one of the toughest things to do in life can involve managing everyone else's lack of ability. What I mean is when people lack the ability to manage their own triggering nature (like those who you face at work), when they lack the ability to help you put how you feel into words (including mental health professionals), when folk lack the ability to take ownership or accountability when it comes to how they've impacted others etc etc, the question 'Why the hell am I trying to manage everyone else's lack of ability?!' comes to mind. When life is easier for others, based on them not having to manage, it's enough to make you want to scream.

It's amazing how such a simple word like 'because' can make things so much clearer. While you mention '...I'm just so tired and sick of the pain in my body and the torture in my head...', throw 'because' in there and it becomes 'I'm just so tired and sick because of the pain in my body and the torture in my head (and how unrelenting it is)'. Life can be very different for someone who has breaks from an anxiety inducing level of stress and/or breaks from what can feel deeply depressing, compared to someone who has no breaks. As a 54yo gal who faced long term depression earlier in life (for 15 years or so) and faces depressing periods in life these days, long term or ongoing mental health challenges offer no breaks when it comes to relief and the time to make better sense of things. Legitimately, one of my greatest fears in life is returning to long term depression. I'd say that this fear is what's led me to become a major researcher when it comes to how I tick (mentally, physically and naturally). It's said that 'emotion' or 'energy in motion' can be stored in the body. I'm wondering whether you've ever researched 'How is emotion stored in the body?'. Finding ways to release it or vent it can be a whole other area of research.

Re: I give up

Ben5 — Fri, 09 May 2025 12:40:54 GMT

I understand where you’re coming from and you don’t need to apologise for venting here (even though I’d do the same). It’s hard knowing how much is going on in your head but people not understanding or taking you seriously. There is no perfect solution but I find acknowledging what you find difficult and being able to just say, in a concise direct way, what’s going on can be helpful.

its really difficult and something I struggle with. People tell you to be honest and then they get upset you’re feeling that way. I empathise and unfortunately don’t have a solution.

Re: I give up

Done_ — Sun, 11 May 2025 15:23:50 GMT

The last time I was direct and concise I walked out of ED with a false and exaggerated discharge summary. Honesty gets me into trouble and lying gets me into trouble with myself so there’s no winning either way. The system, despite being grateful that it’s free mostly is terrible and the professionals are terrible. I’ve had so many episodes since my original post and it’s scary. Contemplating being honest and the punishment that comes with it but not even sure.

Re: I give up

therising — Sun, 11 May 2025 17:06:52 GMT

Sometimes I think the outcome depends on who we speak to. Doesn't seem fair, hey, the luck of the draw when it comes to finding the best people to speak to. It's like you can find a psychologist, for example, who treats in a textbook kind of fashion. They apply everything they've learned through studying psychology from textbooks at uni. In fact, what we may really need is a highly intuitive psychologist. This would be someone who may hear that little voice in their head saying 'What this person is facing is not a textbook case of depression, there's a lot more to it'. The 2nd type of psychologist doesn't treat their client like a textbook case and the client greatly benefits from that.

With the 2 different types of mental health professionals, the differences can be many. While they could both encourage complete honesty with how we're feeling or perceiving life, they may treat that honesty differently. In a textbook case, we could see ourself on a heavy dose of anti depressants with little explanation as to why we've been prescribed this medication. On the other hand, we could find a more sensitive psychologist might say 'I'm going to prescribe these antidepressants because they're known to help with dopamine uptake and you'd benefit from this while we delve further into what it is that's leading you to feel deeply depressed'. There's more respect in the 2nd approach, with that person respecting your right to know exactly why you're taking the medication and how it's going to help you on a progressive path ahead.

While there can be many benefits that come from the world of psychology, psychiatry etc, I'm not the biggest fan of some aspects of it. There can be faults in the system, just like with most systems. Even Carl Jung felt the faults, especially when it came to Freudian psychology. While he acknowledged that while, yes, we do work on a mental and physical level, we also tick on a natural or soulful level (something he researched extensively). While he addressed mental and physical issues, he also addressed issues that were naturally soul destroying. He was a bit of an all rounder in his treatments. I think what some mental health professionals overlook is the fact that we're more than how we appear, more than our brain or our mind and more than a big fleshy bag of chemistry gone wrong in some cases. There is something far deeper to us, that can often be overlooked or dismissed and we can suffer through such dismissiveness.

Re: I give up

Done_ — Sun, 18 May 2025 09:17:36 GMT

I was discharged yesterday for an overdose. I don’t even know what to say except I’m still here and I’m not okay with being here.

Re: I give up

therising — Sun, 18 May 2025 18:12:07 GMT

Hi Done_

I feel for you so much, in such a heartfelt way. One of the greatest challenges in life can involve walking out of the ED and asking our self the question 'Where do I go from here?'. I'm going back many years when I recall that thought and feeling. It's a horrible feeling, I think because we can feel more lost than ever. You look around and everyone else's is getting with life as though nothing's changed but it has changed for you. It's one of the strangest feelings, in my opinion. The best way I can think to describe it is it feels like a kind of reality shift in a way. I suppose you could say it's a change in consciousness. The question is 'How has my consciousness changed?' or 'What am I now more conscious of?'.

With so many years between then and now, what are some of the things I have become more conscious of (over time)?

Just how much depressing or uninspiring people can impact me, if I don't remain conscious of their influence or become more conscious of it. They are 'down shifters' and you can definitely feel that shift at times
Just how much I can sense within myself and outside of myself. Managing sensitivity requires great self understanding and skill. Finding people who can help with such things are those I'd refer to as 'fast trackers'. I can suffer along my path in life or find fast trackers who can take me further along my path by teaching me how I tick
Discovering what works for me, compared to what works for others. What works for me is outside the square or outside the mainstream, therefor it's not everyone's cup of tea. I've been criticised and ridiculed for it, which was initially deeply depressing until I came to accept it as being my thing. When once my 'go to' person would have been a psychologist or counselor for helping with mental health issues, nowadays it's a seer. Yes, I'm a 'woo woo' gal. I figure I could pay a psychologist 5 lots of $120 or so to reach a point where I'm no better off (been there, done that) or I could pay my guy, my seer, to see for me what I can't see but need to see (in one single session). The first time I ever met him, he had me in tears. He described exactly what he saw and advised me along the lines of 'You accept everyone throwing mud and sh** at you and you try to live the life they want you to live and it's painful. You have got to learn to wash off the mud and stick to the path that serves you, for it's your path'. While I only see this guy once every 5 years or so (when I become deeply depressed and incredibly lost), he has never failed to make an enormous difference to me. As I say, not everyone's cup of tea but this works for me
Managing inner dialogue is an absolute 100% must. I found a good book to be 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Speaking with others who experience intense inner dialogue also makes a big difference. While our inner critic can be incredibly helpful at times, sounding like a relentless and tough army commander pointing out our 'weaknesses' while motivating us through a 'tough love' approach, if it gets brutal enough it can depress us and even break us at times

Just a handful of things I've discovered over the years. For me, when I was younger, I used to 'manage' a lot of that stuff with alcohol. It would turn the volume down on how I felt depressing people, turn the volume down on being able to sense (as a sensitive person), turn the volume down on mental and emotional issues (until I sobered up) and turn the volume down on tormenting inner dialogue. One thing alcohol never did was give me the skills to manage all of that naturally. One thing no one seems to tell us, growing up, is 'Life requires a heck of a lot of skills or tools with which to manage'. We can end up kinda freestyling or winging our way through it, doing out best. Then one day that approach can start to feel like 'Twisting in the wind, while feeling completely lost, with no sense of direction'.

Re: I give up

Done_ — Tue, 20 May 2025 14:03:19 GMT

I’m too tired to even try anything else. I’m living on adrenaline and humouring my GP and both Psychs. This last section was an absolute disaster. By disaster meaning that I walked out breathing. Tried this site for the helpline but I froze so it was useless. If I wasn’t living with myself 24/7 I’d never believe that I hold down a full time job and play pretend all day, 5 days a week. I know I’m stubborn and it’s not easy to be open to things like other people can. My brain just doesn’t brain for anything anymore I’m just auto piloting my life away anyways.
I know I’m just being a downer and so negative. But believe me when I say I’ve tried and don’t want to anymore.

Re: I give up

Sophie_M — Tue, 20 May 2025 23:09:57 GMT

Hey Done_,

Thanks for posting in the forums today. We’re sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with thoughts of giving up. We’re glad that you could share this with our community. If you'd like some more immediate support with this, please reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or online here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/

If you're feeling like you may be unable to keep yourself from acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, it's important to get some help. If you have a treating team, contact them. If you’re not sure who to call, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. If there is an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please call 000.

Thanks again for sharing here.

Kind Regards,

Sophie M

Re: I give up

therising — Tue, 20 May 2025 18:45:39 GMT

The worst thing about long term depression is how exhausting it can be. Mix that with relentless anxiety and it would definitely feel like hell on earth. I can understand the desperation and longing to escape what feels like hell on earth.

Depression can feel like such a deep dark well. We may not be aware that we're standing on the brink (of going in). We may not even feel ourself having gone into the well but part of the way down, at some point, we definitely start to feel it. Rock bottom is the worst, which is an understatement. I don't think anything accurate describes it. There are things that may come close to describing it but nothing really does describe it perfectly, so that people who've never been there can fully understand. Any word we can think of that comes close to describing it, you can throw 'complete and utter' ahead of it. It's not just about exhaustion or despair, it's about complete and utter exhaustion and despair. It doesn't feel like torture, it feels like complete and utter torture. The list goes on.

With the DSM 5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Vol. 5), it can be helpful for diagnosing certain conditions but it can also be lacking in the way it fails to cover what can feel depressing, anxiety inducing and soul destroying. For example, it doesn't address inner dialogue as being a condition in itself, simply something that is a part of other conditions. So, the one thing we can be struggling with the most (inner dialogue) is not given the recognition it really needs. It's kinda messed up when you think about it, especially when considering how highly destructive inner dialogue can be in the depths of depression or at the height of anxiety. When inner dialogue has the ability to alter our perception, alter our physical chemistry, create a heaven or a hell on earth, dictate our steps forward in life, impact our imagination (regarding what we're led to imagine) and so much more, you seriously have to wonder why it's not given its own section in the DSM. Until it is, people will continue to suffer horribly and in torturous ways through inner dialogue. This is one of the reasons I like to research or explore a little outside the square. Some of what's outside the square can help with managing what is not always addressed inside.

Re: I give up

smallwolf — Wed, 21 May 2025 10:59:03 GMT

I hear you.

It sounds completely overwhelming, and I’m really sorry you’re in such a tough place. It doesn’t sound like you’re being negative — it sounds like you’re exhausted and doing everything you can just to keep going, and that’s no small thing?

I don’t have perfect words, but I care and I’m listening.

If you ever do feel up to trying again... whether it’s the helpline or just a message to someone: that is a big thing. And if you do freeze up, it might not be the right time. Or you could write down what you want to say before hand.

Maybe you want to chat about something else altogether? For example, what sort of things you liked doing? Or music? Whatever you want...

Re: I give up

Done_ — Sun, 08 Jun 2025 09:00:10 GMT

Update:

tried and failed, tried again, got caught and interrupted and now in pecc for 2 weeks so far against my will from a police section. Proves that I’m a failure and can’t do anything right.
Being held hostage is how I describe things right now. And to top it off being held down by 6 or so people and sedated was overkill. I’m mad, I’m traumatised but given the chance I’d do it again and win.
Sorry if it’s a trigger but was awol for a bit to the replies and that’s currently my nightmare atm. Whateverrrrr I’m over this shit.

Re: I give up

smallwolf — Mon, 09 Jun 2025 12:05:35 GMT

hey Done_,

what you described sounded terrifying.... being held down by 6 people. I hope you are feeling a little better now?

Re: I give up

Done_ — Fri, 11 Jul 2025 05:26:02 GMT

Sorry I’ve been out of the picture for a bit. I was in sound mind then and I really wanted to leave this world. I stayed in that section for a month. I tried again... but that was 2 weeks ago. Today I feel blah but not how it was. I’m thankful to the drs and nurses that kept me alive and I could see and looking back they all tried beyond their efforts to be keep me here. I wasn’t easy, my triggers, my episodes and especially SH where require stitches under their care. I know I wasn’t easy but I can see clearly how hard immensely hard they worked to keep me here and alive. I’m far from okay. I’ve agreed for a private hospital that I will be going to this coming week. I know it’s not a fix but it’s going to help with the little things like medication, environment and hopefully some therapy if I’m open to it. Next step will be going back to work. I’m lucky enough to have my full time job ready and available to me. These last 2-3 weeks being out has not been easy and I’ve had quite a few SH slip ups but still I’m so grateful to the team that stood their ground despite the fight I put up.

I’m also grateful to you all that acknowledged my struggles here on this forum without judgement. Thank you all so much. I apologise if I triggered or frustrated anyone on here. But thanks for the comments and I’ve read all I’ll try my best to give myself another shot at life. I can’t ever guarantee that my initial post won’t resurface again as it’s a possibility. But at this moment in time thank you everyone.

Re: I give up

smallwolf — Mon, 14 Jul 2025 11:57:53 GMT

Hello Dome_,

I am a little unsure how to respond to what sounds an emotional post. And equally happy to hear that you are still around to respond. I also think (from your most recent post) that those in your workplace are also supportive and want you around. I'm unsure about what you will be doing over the next weeks but hope you might get the opportunity to reply here, and talk about whatever might be on your mind.

Listening...