topic Re: Survivor... in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Survivor...

Jaster — Wed, 12 Feb 2025 03:24:34 GMT

Firstly, I am not having any of these thoughts and am safe. Sat in my small office, smiling at those passing me by and deep down I feel absolutely awful. Not sure how I made it to work, I'm here and guess a small win I suppose.

I am trying to be very careful here as I know this is such a delicate topic. I will do my best.

I have titled this post 'Survivor' and have mixed feelings and a little imposter syndrome. I have written not one but two goodbye letters. If any of you reading this have been there and survived, its a place and moment in time that you cant erase.

For years now I have thought about a special group of people or a club for those who have survived. I don't know why but I just have. Unless you have been there you wouldn't understand.

Now again, I am safe and for those of you who may be struggling, hang in there. You will learn that these thoughts come and go. I might end it there. Stay safe and you will get through this.

Re: Survivor...

indigo22 — Wed, 12 Feb 2025 05:10:52 GMT

Hi Jaster,

I think this is a very good idea to have a thread for those who have been to the edge and are still here to talk about it. You are right, not everyone understands that mindset. There will be many in the community in that boat who may benefit from open discussion about how they survived the mindset.

I hope many see your post and many reply.

My best thoughts your way,

indigo

Re: Survivor...

therising — Wed, 12 Feb 2025 08:09:08 GMT

Hi Jaster

I agree with indigo, starting a thread is a good idea, a great idea. From my own experience, there can be so many questions and challenges when you've survived. I think the number one question would have to be 'Where do I go from here?'. There can be so many mixed emotions to make sense of too. And it's true, no one fully understands unless they've been there. Rock bottom in depression is the darkest and loneliest place, where the depressing inner dialogue is at its loudest. Making it toward the light at the top of the tunnel can be easier when we've got people in our life who are going to raise us, including those who know (through first hand experience) how tough the rise can be.

I've found something that can take the edge off at times is when someone comes down into the depression and chats for a while. The most we can ask is that someone takes us out of our depression. The least we can ask is that people don't leave us alone to suffer while we're in there. I hope you sense my presence through this post. ❤️

Re: Survivor...

Eagle Ray — Thu, 13 Feb 2025 01:34:17 GMT

Dear Jaster,

Thank you for your bravery in sharing your experience. It is indeed a wobbly and strange place when you have come close but survived. I’ve been there a few times and I am glad I never followed through and I’m still here. No one really wants to end things, they just don’t know at the time how to go on with the pain and struggle.

Be really tender and kind with yourself right now. There is a beautiful strength and compassion in you that is evident in the fact that you have not only reached out here, but you have done so with the intention to support others.

Take good care,

Re: Survivor...

Jaster — Fri, 14 Feb 2025 03:10:56 GMT

Hi indigo22,

Thank you for your understanding.

I wasn't sure of the response or indeed if it may have been censored. The reality is there are many people here who like me made a decision one day that the pain of living was so great they wanted it to stop. I still feel it.

That's the reality. How do you come back from that. Its always there.

When you look at your wife who has been by your side for 30 years and has extraordinary courage and supported you through this and your kids who I honestly don't know if they know or not. They know I am not well and struggle, you can see it in their faces.

I honestly hate it. You just want it to stop. You don't embrace or look for it. The pain, disappointments and memories are there and come flooding at you when you least expect it.

Your comment about others within the community who are in the same boat, having an open discussion about how they survived the mindset is EXACTLY what I was referring to.

This is the first forum I have ever openly talked about my own situation. We are all here to help ourselves and each other get well. I genuinely would love to hug each and every one of you here.

I dream of day when I get back to the man I used to be 19 years ago. I had an extraordinary life filled with lovely people and experiences that had me waking up with so much energy, joy and purpose.

That door slammed shut and I have genuinely been searching ever since. Glimpses appear, he rarely wins as he made a decision in the past that the pain of living was so great, he wanted it to stop. It hasn't.

Re: Survivor...

Jaster — Fri, 14 Feb 2025 04:18:04 GMT

Hi Therising,

Nice to connect and yes I do feel your presence. Your comments are connecting and triggering thoughts and feelings that resonate. Your comment: "I think the number one question would have to be 'Where do I go from here?'.

THANK YOU...Exactly...

"Where do I go from here"?

The first time I went to a doctor the next day in a shirt and tie and a smile. He was astounded that someone could bounce back as I did. What he didn't know was that I was physically and mentally numb from the ordeal.

Another referral to a specialist, paper to sign, questionnaire to complete, pill to try and off I went.

Its a revolving door that I am sure many of us are stuck in.

I would have loved someone to sit me down and help me fully unpack. Recognise the enormity of what just happened.

"There can be so many mixed emotions to make sense of too".

Again...BANG ON.

Your inner dialogue is off the charts. What just happened?, Why did it happen? How did it happen?

FOR ME...There was allot of shame!

How did I get here and fail at the thing called life?

I was given this beautiful gift of life and I was rejecting it.

I take no pleasure in admitting that I have rejected it many times.

@therising - Talking through things with kindred spirits and those who we trust and care for us is definitely helpful and I thank you for your own wisdom.

My inner voice continues to remind me that I am 'Too Broken'. Its a voice that began when I was very young living in conditions that no child should have to endure.

The universe as it does for all of us has tested me. I had 6 years as a young man where I was literally living the dream. One decision to relocate and build my dream home with a young family put my life back on an old course of despair.

That was 19 years ago and unbelievably as a man in his 50's that voice remains with me today. Some days and weeks it is silent. I enjoy those days and hope that one day they will be more often.

Thanks for listening. I am in a good place. Its nice to reflect and put these thoughts out there. Allot cheaper too.

All the best.

Send me your invoice :).

Jaster x

Re: Survivor...

Jaster — Fri, 14 Feb 2025 04:46:34 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray,

It is so refreshing to have so many wonderful people responding and showing their support, wisdom and kindness. Please take this the right way as I feel I need to respond to a comment you made. There is a misconception I believe that some people may have about some of us dealing with depression.

(No one really wants to end things, they just don’t know at the time how to go on with the pain and struggle).

That was the whole point of me starting this discussion. I am sure there are many people here who like me made a decision and took actions to in your words (end things).

I agree that those of us who find ourselves in this situation... again using your words (they just don’t know at the time how to go on with the pain and struggle). This is very true. It is a perfect response.

The fact for me is that I wanted to end things. I have been there more than once, having written two letters to my family. I was done. Not for me. No thanks. Nothing left. Sayonara. See you on the other side.

There is a level of comfort in the moment because there is hope that the pain is about to leave your body for good.

The aftermath is a bit like those movies when people wake up after a wonderful dream and wake up and go "OH NO"!

I do see your point, maybe I am just selfishly shining a light on me because I can lol.

Its valentines day and I look forward to spending a wonderful evening with my wife of 30 years. I know I am blessed and do have lots to live for.

@Eagle Ray - Thank you again for connecting. Clearly your a special person and I wish you all the best.

Re: Survivor...

indigo22 — Fri, 14 Feb 2025 05:16:07 GMT

Hi Jaster,

I think you will find that the only things that will cause a problem with the moderators is if anyone is:

1. Talking about the method tried - this would be a major trigger not only for the moderators but also for the community members.

2. Talking about specific medications which is against forum rules.

Talking about the events that led to the mindset will not be a problem, if you think there is a possibility that what you say could be triggering for someone in the community, please put a "trigger warning" at the beginning or your post.

Likewise, talking about how the mindset was overcome (or is being worked on) will not be a problem.

I may not have made it obvious, but that door slammed shut for me when I was 14, I have felt no real joy since then and have been in that mindset a few times throughout my life, the worst time being about 14 years ago where the ideation lasted for at least 2 years. Back then I was asked to make a promise to someone I love (a nephew) that I would not take action and because I keep my promises, I have not taken action. That does not mean I don't occasionally have that mindset try to creep back into my thoughts. The difference is that I am aware of it and am able to stop it in it's tracks.

For that reason, I think this is a very good idea. There is no one person I know (outside of the forums) who has ever been down that road and who can understand the mindset. I do believe that this thread will give some members an outlet to talk about things in a safe environment, all that is needed is to follow the guidelines.

My various experiences are the reason I joined the forums. What would be the point in going through all that pain and heartache if you don't use it to help someone else. I find it very uplifting if I am able to help someone else going through similar experiences, I hope you will find it likewise Jaster.

Hugs back to you,

indigo

Re: Survivor...

Eagle Ray — Fri, 14 Feb 2025 06:12:26 GMT

Dear Jaster,

Thank you for clarifying your experience. I don’t know how to explain mine other than, yes, I wanted to end things, but a tiny voice/life spirit inside of me just hung on. I think I understand what you are saying, that it was a total feeling which may be different from my experiences where I have come close but some little, really squashed marginalised part of myself still had this small voice that was just still faintly audible to me. It was extremely harrowing to say the least.

What I felt I could partly relate to (though I think my experience may still be a bit different) was your description of going to the doctor the next day with a shirt, a tie and a smile. After my third episode in 2007 I was driving of all places to a Buddhist centre to meet with people about starting an education program for kids. I was working as an education assistant at the time and also a regular attendee of meditation sessions at this place. My very near attempt occurred on the way to the meeting. I was profoundly shaken and in a kind of shock. Yet I didn’t tell them and somehow put on my “normal” self, like things were basically fine. I could somehow generate a mask that I was ok, I guess you would call it.

The “Too Broken” voice I feel I can relate to in relation to childhood trauma and also intergenerational trauma passed down. My mother’s mother ended things in 1995. My mum self-destructed through her body giving out from a life of relentless distress in 2020. I have inherited the pattern, but what I have learned is this is not me or mine (nor was it my family member’s). So my small life force energy that has kept me alive is a kind of pure essence that isn’t poisoned by generational trauma and my own particular traumatic experiences.

I am slowly learning now to abide with this part of myself. A friend of mine who is diagnosed with c-ptsd like myself and has dealt a lot with s/h and s/i said he has finally realised with clarity that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him and never was. In his own way of explaining it he says there is nothing to fix because nothing was ever broken. All feelings of brokenness have been put into us by our circumstances. They may feel real to us but we actually never had anything wrong with us. I don’t know if that makes any sense for you or helps in any way, but what I have found is I’m allowing the illusion to dissolve now. I’m still caught out by feeling broken at times. My last discussion with my psychologist was on the topic of self-hatred and self-disgust, something deeply passed down through both my parents. Yet none of us ever had anything wrong and our behaviours and core self-beliefs were based on the illusion of brokenness.

In my experience these are often feelings more than conscious thoughts at least initially and they constitute the amorphous thing called depression. I do somatic work with my psych and she’s gradually helped me begin to connect to my bodily feelings and sensations. The more I have learned to do this the more I have developed conscious awareness of inner processes that I now have language for. In the past these inner processes were unconsciously driving me. Increasingly now I am the driver. The shift is very empowering.

Again, I don’t know if that’s helpful and I apologise if it isn’t. But I think you raise a very important topic for discussion. I hope you have a lovely evening with your wife this evening and all the very best to you too,

Re: Survivor...

therising — Fri, 14 Feb 2025 10:36:19 GMT

Hi Jaster

I love your ability to express yourself, your depth of feeling and your sense of humour (regarding the invoice)😅. You're a mixture of beautiful qualities, as are Indigo and Eagle Ray.

The shirt and tie and 'business as usual' aspect is a tough one. After such an experience, it's never business as usual because it changes you. I can relate to the shame a person can be left feeling. While my actions to leave this world took place many years ago, I still remember the shame. In hindsight, I suppose it was a sense of 'No matter how challenging or unbearable anyone else's life is, it was me who failed to manage staying here. I am the failure and that's something to be ashamed of'. In truth, I just couldn't succeed in feeling such an ongoing and soul destroying state of despair, hopelessness, emptiness and more. I didn't know how to do life with such feelings. Long term depression wears a person down. With short term, at least there is a difference when it comes to how and what we feel and there are breaks with which to make greater sense of things. With the breaks, I find intuition tends to speak much louder. It could say 'The lack of excitement in your life is not going to help with generating the amount of dopamine you should really be experiencing' or maybe 'That person who tends to be degrading towards you is basically depressing you. Steer clear of them or confront them. The choice is yours'. The intuitive part of me can be rather chatty at times 😅.

I think our inner demons can be quite chatty too, especially in a depression. They can really go to town on us at times. If they thrive in depression, they're seriously fueled in the absolute depths. At rock bottom, they're super fueled. While our inner critic can be a constructive resource at times, bit like an army commander determined to get the most out of us ('Not good enough soldier, you can do better than that!'), at it's worst it's an absolute brute. It can be brutal and relentless, abusive and soul destroying. So, a positive aspect of us with a very dark side. I'm a questionable one, as I've come to speak to that part of me (not out loud, btw 😁). On occasion it can sound a little like 'Oh my god, not you again. I've got your number, I know what you're about. Now, get the hell out of my head'. There are times where it can definitely feel like hell.

Re: Survivor...

Jaster — Sat, 15 Feb 2025 06:01:45 GMT

Hi Indigo, many thanks for giving me clarification and suggestions on how to manage ongoing discussions and content. The last thing I am sure any of us want to do is to trigger or make someone uncomfortable.

Thank you for sharing more about your own situation and past. So pleased that you were able to make and continue to keep a promise for your nephew. That's a great strategy.

My goodness, door slamming shut at 14. It is such an impressionable and confusing time in anyone's life. You are often so helpless. So sorry to hear that. Those are heavy words...not felt real joy. Your deserve them. We all do. Forever an optimist and I know they will reappear for you. Sometimes its right in front of us and we just need to pause and recognise it.

I can relate to those strong feelings. I have come to recognise that I am emotionally numb. I ran out of tears years ago. My own personal struggles and despair is so complex and has so many layers it basically crushed my soul.

When I was seeking therapy on a regular basis I have a recollection of them saying...'Think of your family if you weren't around'.

I just shrugged my shoulders. I had nothing there. They pressed the point a few times. Nope, I was in such a state I had no thoughts for the impact to loved ones around me. It's a selfish thing to say...I get it.

I love my wife and kids no question. If I am brutally honest, I don't FEEL IT. I do remember having those feelings they are gone!? Could be all the meds?? Don't know.

Your closing statement, what's the point of going through all the pain and heartache if you don't use it to help someone else.

Love it. Should be on a t-shirt! :).

Nice to have you in my life indigo22.

Re: Survivor...

Jaster — Mon, 17 Feb 2025 02:39:34 GMT

Hi ER,

I can't begin to tell you how helpful your sharing and suggestions based on your own experiences are. They are greatly and warmly received.

So pleased that your inner voices, spirit, god or guardian angel (call them what you want and what makes you happy), was there to protect you in a time of need. No doubt it was harrowing. There is nothing pleasant at all about these feeling and experiences. Don't know how you made it to your teaching centre at the Buddhist Centre and put on a brave face. It is a little bonkers that it happened on the way to a Buddhist Centre. That is a little funny :).

These feelings and emotions are so critical I am hearing to both recognise and manage as best as possible. Sadly like I said in a response to Indigo22's comments above, I have suppressed so much hurt, disappointment and feelings about so many things in my life, I struggle in this area.

Not sure about you but I noticed a literal chemical change to the way I felt one day and it only got worse and worse. I used to travel the country as a corporate trainer. I was very comfortable speaking to large audiences and was highly in demand. Long story short I had a panic attack one morning and have never been the same since.

These attacks got worse and worse, turned into high anxiety and it has had a huge impact on my career. I literally had to close the door on something I loved. Its heart-breaking..well I guess it would be if I knew what that felt like :).

So sorry to hear about your grandmother and the impact it had on your own mother.

This generational discussion is definitely fascinating to me. My mothers mum whom I never met, was in a mental institution in the UK. My own mother had her own major issues with alcohol and depression. I can only ever remember her being unwell.

My father who was rarely around and had little to no impact on my life, is a mystery to me. I do wonder. He was a loner and had his own strange quirks.It is such a shame that so many families struggle to break the cycle. It sounds to me that you have made a conscious decision to NOT let the past dictate your own future.

We either buy into it or we don't I guess. You either fight like hell to not let it rule your life or you don't.

Sadly sometimes things beyond your own control within society can have detrimental affects. My daughter was bullied relentlessly at school to the point that we had to take out restraining orders against young girls and move her at least 4 times. The schooling system we experienced was not safe and I honestly wish we pulled her out sooner.

It was like a switch and her whole demeanour changed. I watched her become my mother and it scared the living daylights out of me. I had stopped seeing my mother because she lived in the past. She triggered me every time I saw her. Now she was back.

We are still picking up the pieces and the sad fact is that she is such a beautiful kid who would never hurt a soul. I do understand that these own kids (bullies) are most likely living in their own kind of hell at home and are just acting out. Either way, there we are. Very sad. She will be ok. She turned 22 today and has here whole life ahead of her.

Your somatic work sounds interesting. I like the empowering part. I am sure this came up in another discussion the other day. I have consciously suppressed so many feelings and no doubt am not alone with this. I honestly feel like I need to step things up as everything I have done in the past has never fully healed or helped.

I have just re-read your post about your friend who said there was nothing to fix, nothing was broken. I immediately wanted to dismiss it, but upon reflection am recognising how profound it is. We are a product of our circumstances.

I have struggled for so long to not become a victim and have what they call a 'Victim Mentality'. You want to deny it. That's not me. Maybe that's the point?

The fact that we buy into our own diagnoses, engage with MH professionals, take medication and lets face it come to place like this wonderful forum would suggest that we in fact DO have something wrong with us.

I don't know. Very deep for a Monday...I might keep moving.THANK YOU for two things that I will be consciously exploring a little further this week.

1. Somatic Work and 2. Changing my own thought patterns and stop labelling myself as someone who is broken. You have a wonderful spirit @Eagle Ray who I am glad to have come into my life. Thank you for your own wisdom and listening.

Have a wonderful week x.

Re: Survivor...

indigo22 — Mon, 17 Feb 2025 04:05:42 GMT

Hi Jaster,

I was just reading your response to ER and I needed to respond to something that jumped off the screen when I read it. It was something that you missed in your experience with your daughter.

You said you had stopped seeing your mother because she triggered you (meaning you had not dealt with your inner wounds connected to your mother). Your daughter's change which was reflecting your mother was your wake up call to heal those wounds. I suspect that the panic attack, that started your spiral, was your first wake up call. These things have a way of resurfacing over and over until we get the message.

Just a little extra to think about 🤔

indigo 🌻

Re: Survivor...

Eagle Ray — Mon, 17 Feb 2025 06:30:09 GMT

Hello Jaster and wave to indigo,

I agree it is a little bonkers that I had that episode on the way to the Buddhist centre and actually a little funny. Even at the time I could see the irony of it, as I sat down with these people for a meeting. Internally I'm saying to myself, "Far out I almost k#^%ed myself" and externally I'm interacting with these kind, friendly people in a Buddhist centre around the topic of supporting children with a compassionate education. I think it is sometimes these absurdities that bring us back to grounded reality or connection or whatever it might be called.

I do think there are actual chemical changes in the brain that can happen that shift us into different states. In the last two and a half years it has been hormonal changes that have triggered strong episodes of s/i. I can honestly say it's profoundly involuntary in how it manifests. The first of these episodes I went for a walk that started out normally. 20 minutes later I felt strange. I sat down by the river and I felt the darkest, blackest cloud coming up over behind me and just engulfing me. Pretty much immediately the intrusive thoughts and images were there. That first episode was 6 weeks before subsiding somewhat, so for me it's a variable experience over time.

My sense is we are such a complex and nuanced mix of biochemical, hormonal, emotional and spiritual components that when things get out of alignment in a certain way the whole system can go haywire. Our bodies are always trying to communicate with us about how to rebalance. So I think indigo may well be on the right track about your panic attacks. They will be a communication of sorts and the way your nervous system is trying to resolve inner conflicts. If things remain unprocessed at a conscious level, the body will still try to resolve them and often all the more dramatically if there has been repression of emotional experiences. The somatic approach I have done is called Somatic Experiencing developed by Peter Levine. Some of his books include Waking the Tiger, In An Unspoken Voice and Trauma & Memory, which may be helpful in beginning to understand how our nervous system naturally wants to, and can, resolve trauma and heal emotional issues. It's a gently titrated approach designed not to overwhelm the nervous system but to work gently with it to regain homeostasis. If you do actually try this approach in a therapy setting it's very important to find the right practitioner. I had to try a few before I found the right one.

There is a YouTube channel I can recommend on the topic of transforming from feeling there is something wrong with us due to past trauma to realising we are completely ok as we are and nothing has ever been wrong. I understand the idea that if we are coming here to this forum it can seem like we DO indeed have something wrong. But what I would say is that we are just still in the process of unlearning the idea that something is wrong with us. The YouTube channel is called Call Me Sam. He is a beautiful soul who has endured harrowing trauma. He's in his mid 50s now but as a younger adult transitioned to being a woman as a total rejection of himself based on his childhood trauma. He came to realise in his case it was the self-disgust he held towards himself that drove him to do that, but he is coming back to himself as a man now and shares the most incredible insights on the topic of complex trauma. Like so many of us with a trauma background, he has spent his life unsure if he's even allowed to exist in the world. He was working so hard on trying to fix himself when he realised that was just another manifestation of his trauma - the idea there's something wrong with him that needs fixing. It's impossible to summarise all his beautiful and powerful insights here, but if you look at his videos over the past 6 months or so in particular, they are so spot on and have been invaluable to me. It's challenging at times yet what he's saying is real and directly from his own experience as someone in the process of transforming the traumatised patterns of his life. The best videos of his to watch on this topic are the ones of him talking directly to camera in the Scottish highlands where he lives. There's some longer videos that are chats with others on other topics, but it's these direct ones of him sharing his thoughts where he just communicates the most helpful insights. It's not an easy journey and you can see the struggle it is for him at times, but he is allowing himself to feel all that was repressed in him and he's coming home to himself. To quote Sam from his most recent video which is a really good message for you, your daughter and all of us vulnerable people:

You matter more than you imagine.

Hugs,

Re: Survivor...

Jaster — Wed, 19 Feb 2025 03:02:46 GMT

Hi Indigo22,

YES you are very astute and thank you for recognising an issue that has had more weight on me and my life than anyone would ever know.

My mother grew up on the streets of the UK with her 2 other siblings. They had their own fractured family and I believe my grandmother ended up in a mental institution after my grandfather left her for another woman.

My own father also left when I was about 6 and this sent her into a massive tailspin. She already naturally had some challenges, this took it to another level. My mother used to drink and talk to me thinking I WAS my father. I had to often tell her that I was her son and NOT my father. This was for a very long period.

She remarried to a lovely man who had just lost his own life to Leukaemia. He had 2 daughters and one son and we became a blended family. Imaging two people coming together who both had, had their hearts broken. Both were on medication. Mum was an alcoholic. One daughter was on heroin and the other was a prostitute. It became what I call a 'freak show'.

Now I only tell you this (not only to entertain, it was quite the experience), but to let you know how I handled it and with reference to my mother daughter experience.

It was mum and I against the world. She had no-one. I was her protector. I have an older half brother but he ran. He still to this day doesn't know how bad it was and often resents me for running away and my own struggles to this day. The freak show lasted for 16 years. I had a period of anorexia which added another layer of excitement.

So in closing, BOY I have an extraordinary amount of suppressed feelings towards my mother. We went to hell and back together and if I was older or stronger I would have removed her from the toxic relationship.

Seriously as I type this I feel absolutely nothing. I feel no emotions at all.

As scary as it sounds I do know I need to take some brave pills and revisit some of this. I just don't want a talk fest for no-reason. If we go there we better have a bloody good plan and some safety rails. Thanks again for recognising who I am.

Hope you are well and don't mind me sharing. I am new to these forums and I guess we all have our own backstory's that by sharing could help others relate with the objective of moving on and living a beautiful life.

Enjoy your day 🌻

Jaster x

Re: Survivor...

indigo22 — Wed, 19 Feb 2025 06:02:46 GMT

Hi Jaster,

Thank you for sharing, I have a deeper understanding now.

Your coping mechanism was to become dissociated in order to not be hurt ever again. The only problem with that coping mechanism is that you also dissociate from love and happiness. Your heart was closed, for good reason at the time, but maybe now it can be opened again.

I came very close to doing the same thing 14 years ago, what saved me was my cat. She was so unconditionally loving and has such a beautiful soul, I could not close my heart off to her, so it stayed open. I lost her at the age of 16 only a few months ago, but my heart is still open thank to her. Without her, I may not be on these forums. I have much to be grateful to her for.

I think it is only fair that you know a little more about me so this link is to my first post on the forums.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/welcome-and-orientation/new-to-the-forums/td-p/566648

We can talk about whatever you wish from your past, you can also ask me questions about mine, it is why the forum is here. It allows us to work through our traumas with people who understand how and why a person can become so traumatised by their past. Eagle Ray and I have been communicating here regularly over the past 18 months or more and I feel we both benefit from the connection we have. Our past experience does not have to be the same, or even similar, to be able to offer compassion to each other and sometimes just talking about things can awaken deeply hidden wisdom in ourselves and others.

Living a beautiful life is definitely something to aspire to.

Enjoy your day too,

indigo 💜

Re: Survivor...

Jaster — Sun, 23 Feb 2025 03:06:17 GMT

Hi ER,

Sorry I haven't responded earlier. I consciously wait until I have some quality time to respond in a thoughtful and appreciative manner.

I have just started watching 'Sam's' videos. Yes what a beautiful spirit he is and wow, imagine living in such a beautiful spot. Great to reflect and have these discussions.

It amazes me how many people who come from dysfunctional homes (whatever that means and isn't that literally all of us...100%!?), often have emotional and complex struggles as a result.

What often has me thinking is how much of it IS our body's reaction emotionally to the traumatic experiences we had OR regardless, even if we came from the most loving and stable families, had a life that sure had challenges, none that would give us major trauma or PTSD, it is all a part of our DNA. I love hearing your own opinions on this.

Its like your experience walking by the river. I envisage a beautiful tranquil setting. That feeling you described is so common for many people I am learning. Did you unconsciously start thinking about something in the past that triggered a serious of thoughts? When you think about your senses sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch, any one of them can unconsciously trigger thought patterns.

I had an experience this week that just came to me. My son was heading out to work. He walked by me and his cologne and deodorant gave of a scent that immediately hit me. YES it was my mother and also a blend of cheap wine. Occasionally I have a senior citizen walk by me wearing certain perfume and BOOM...I am back there. Scary stuff.

I downloaded a book...'The body keeps the score' by Bessel van der Kolk, a practitioner in Somatic theory. I feel I need to read it. Speak soon.

Hope you had a nice week and weekend.

You matter to me :).

Hugs back x

Re: Survivor...

Eagle Ray — Mon, 24 Feb 2025 01:03:37 GMT

Dear Jaster,

Yes, Sam is such a beautiful soul and I've found him very helpful on my journey in recent months. He has helped me to see that all the tying myself up in knots trying to fix myself is like an ongoing trauma response from my early conditioning that there is something wrong with me. When I allow that to fall away it's like, wow, I am actually ok in this very minute right now. Nothing is wrong. It is a process he has been through as well and, yes, it's possible to keep falling back into holes of despair and struggle. But I think when you have touched that sense that you are a pure soul and are ok right now, even if you go through more struggle you know that there is this peaceful place of knowing that can be attained again. Gradually that peaceful knowing begins to infiltrate your system more and the trauma increasingly subsides. I am beginning to experience this myself with the noise quieting down and the peace settling - a peace that is both me absorbing the beauty of the world and feeling peace in my own heart.

I could relate to some of the things you wrote in an above post about your mum about ending up being her protector as well as her support/confidante. I had a very similar experience with my mother. From the age of 5 she began to confide in me as if I was her confidante, counsellor or parent. I fell into this role because it seemed like what was being required of me. I wasn't parented by her or really by my dad either. So I really relate to that feeling that you feel responsible for your parent when in fact they are meant to have been responsible for you. When it comes to the vulnerability of at times not wanting to be here anymore, I can almost see how my isolation in the world and the sense of there not being a single adult figure I could safely attach to, as my protector, may well have contributed to that drive to not be here at times. Babies and small children orient to the adults around them in order to feel safe and can be left with despondency and isolation if no one responds and they end up in a traumatic freeze. My mother did not bond with me from birth which was a traumatic birth for both her and me, so I was always struggling to exist in total isolation. I am now coming into the world and findings ways to connect and the right people to connect with. I think connection is so integral as it is the core of what emotionally regulates us and gives us meaning. Relationship is where we heal and transform. I wonder if the fact you have not been able to feel emotions is linked with a primal shutting down in self-protection that goes back to that lack of parenting from your mother, where you had to be there for her emotional state but you didn't have someone there validating and mirroring and connecting with your emotional world, which is what a healthy functioning parent would do?

In my experience walking by the river I do not recall a specific thought relating to the past or a particular trigger. However, I find those things often are a trigger for a spiral into depression or anxiety states. In that particular case it seemed to be a dramatic biochemical imbalance linked to hormones, specifically a sudden drop in oestrogen which was confirmed on a blood test not long after that. I've found what certain hormonal changes do is strip back all my psychic defences and I am left with the most raw, traumatic material - face to face with it with no way of filtering it. It can be both terrifying but also an opportunity to see things without filters, as it means I know exactly what I'm dealing with. So I'm learning to face and work through the dark stuff directly. But I'm also learning that I don't have to get immersed in it. Like Sam is communicating, yes it's good to see it and know it and I may have to go through the horror of feeling it for a time, but underneath it all I am ok - everything is ok.

I have "The Body Keeps the Score" and have weirdly read it in parts rather than cover to cover and should go back to it properly. It is one of the key books on how trauma can get trapped in our bodies. So it should be an interesting and hopefully helpful read.

May you have a lovely week Jaster. You matter to me too 🙂

Re: Survivor...

Jaster — Tue, 25 Feb 2025 05:23:21 GMT

Hi Indigo,

Before I forget, how is the book coming along? Would love to read it or parts at some stage if comfortable :).

Thanks for helping me get some insight into your own past. The cat relationship I can completely relate to. Their unconditional love is like no other. We recently just lost our own cat to cancer. She was something else. I used to take a bunch of kids 'Trick or Treating' and she would come along for the whole journey. I would take kids to the park to play...same thing. She would always want to be near the family and follow us whether we liked it or not :).

I as sorry to hear about your own cat passing. What was its name? Ours was called 'Tiger'. Sadly we lost a beautiful Husky dog called 'Odin' only 12 months earlier. Both were aggressive forms of cancer. Tiger passed within 24-hours of us knowing she was unwell and rushing her to the vet hospital (with no previous signs). It is still very raw.

As always, I have bottled up all the emotion. My wife rightly let the emotions out. She would even sneak away for a little cry. I always followed her and offered hugs.

I have never experienced grief to the levels of our cat and dogs passing. All within roughly 12-18 months.

I have some serious work to do on myself should I want to let love in again. I tell my wife and kids I love them EVERY DAY. Our whole family does it. Maybe its not as hard as I think.

Keep up the writing. Its a wonderful way to escape. x

Re: Survivor...

indigo22 — Wed, 26 Feb 2025 03:39:02 GMT

Hi Jaster,

I must admit, I have done nothing with the book for a while. It's on the back burner for the moment until I feel ready to keep going with it.

My cat was Guinevere and she found me when she was 4 months old. She made me work for our relationship, she wandered into the back garden, hungry, thirsty and covered in burrs and fleas. It took me 3 hours to win her trust, which I finally did at 3am. She slept on my lap that night while I slept in the chair and the rest is history. She was healthy and happy for the first 14 years, never needed to go to the vet in all those years except for one time when she was 12 and had a tooth that needed to be removed. She slowly started becoming unwell but the vet could not pinpoint what the cause was and I didn't have the finances to do the costly diagnostic tests. I tried both vet meds and naturopathy, but nothing worked for her. When the day came, it became clear it was most likely cancer. It broke my heart to say goodbye to her.

Animals are very special souls and I believe they come into our lives, not by accident, but by synchronicity. The fact that you experienced the grief of your two beloved pets and had compassion for your wife's grief, tells me you may not be as closed off as you might think.

I had bottled up and pushed down my emotions related to my family until my mother died. What followed was 2 years of absolute rage against everybody and everything. I had the courage of a warrior during that time, and no one was ever going to have that much control over me again. It had to be released and since then, I have not bottled things up, it is so easy to do but is so unhealthy.

Bessel's book is a really good one to read, your intuition is working well for you. I got a lot out of that book. Another author that is worth looking into is Gabor Mate. Between Eagle Ray and myself, you will never be at a loss for recommendations 😉

I have mentioned this thread to another member and hope they will join in the conversations.

Hope you are having a good week,

indigo 💜