topic It here again in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

It here again

Scared — Wed, 11 Dec 2024 22:28:38 GMT

My depression is severe today

Added to this is the loss of my girlfriend

She was my sole purpose in my life

Now im back to suicide research

as I really dont want to live anymore

I have nothing to look forward to in this life and I feel too old to start over again.

Death would be a welcome gift

I know there is no purpose in suffering all the time and its madness to do so
Last time I tried to end it I got so close to doing it

I always felt it was upsetting I didnt succeed and today I regret trying to get better because there is no getting better.

If people could understand what its like living like this then maybe they would understand me better.

I try to be grateful for the last 8 years I had with girlfriend and the purpose it gave me but it doesnt stop the added grief ontop of my depression.

The cavalry are not coming to save me and thats whats changed for me.

I cant keep living for the sake of others wanting me to live.

Re: It here again

white knight — Sun, 15 Dec 2024 04:37:31 GMT

Hi Scared.

That's sad, I have many thoughts of your great replies to other members.

Back in 1996 with my one and only attempt before I left my 1st wife (very much a narcissist) I decided if that event ever repeated itself I would do anything with my life except go ahead with it. When I joined BB back in 2013 I soon after wrote and article here outlining the thought-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47450

That thread in the 1st post includes a man I picked up hitchhiking and he turned into a jackaroo. So lets take the worse case scenario. You up and leave where you are, gather as much cash as you can muster in a few short days, then leave with a small tent, basic cooking utensils, clothes and a backpack. Where ever you go you'd be better off than in the situation you are in now. But there is a bonus- the chances of you changing your outlook would be better. You could follow the fruit picking seasons etc. Does this in any way give you any spark?

Losing your GF has to be one of the saddest moments. Leaving my wife was easy, it was my 7 and 4yo daughters that was the hard part. But we survived and every fortnight it was painful taking them back as it was for them. Everyone is different and I'm the type that lands on his feet only after I fall in love again. I'm now happily married for 13 years, I've known her for 40 years.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/the-grief-of-separation/td-p/63574

I hope you can put faith in yourself as we appreciate your input here. Would you like to talk more? I dont want to bore you... is there a specific topic you would like to share?

In the meantime I hope you can attend your GP or an emergency Dept for the help you need.

TonyWK

Re: It here again

smallwolf — Mon, 16 Dec 2024 11:47:04 GMT

hello and welcome.

I hear so much pain in your words. The depth of your grief over losing your girlfriend, combined with severe depression, must feel overwhelming. From your post, it's clear how much she meant to you.

Your life has value beyond your relationship, even if that's impossible to see right now. Have you thought about speaking with your GP or perhaps a mental health professional about what you are going through? They can help you navigate both the grief and depression you're experiencing. You don't have to carry this burden alone.

Finally, and you may not want to hear this right now, but your life matters and you deserve support during this difficult time. Listening if you want to chat more...

Re: It here again

indigo22 — Tue, 17 Dec 2024 05:31:34 GMT

Dear Scared,

I am sorry you are feeling so low again.

You already know how I feel and there is nothing new I can say to you to make a difference.

The compassion you have inside of you for others, including myself, is remarkable. I only wish that you could apply that same compassion to yourself. We need more people like you on the planet, not less of them.

Thinking of you,

indigo

Re: It here again

Scared — Tue, 07 Jan 2025 08:12:50 GMT

Thank you all who responded with your kind words.

I have been having treatment as Ive been suicidal.

Things are not better and im afraid all the time.

Words are fruitless to even get close to how much pain ive been in.

I know that others understand me

I think what is troubling me most is I cant still see an end to this pain.

I tried being kind to myself and nursing my self .

What is worse some people here mock my mental health as some kind of amusement.

I cant tell you how deep that hurts me

My living conditions are already bad but this as well is too much to deal with.

I genuinely hate some people here.

I know im in safe company with you guys who respond to me and I wish i was surrounded by you so I can feel safe.

Re: It here again

indigo22 — Tue, 07 Jan 2025 09:24:16 GMT

Dear Scared,

It saddens me to hear you have been in, are still in, such a dark place. I know those depths and I would not wish them on anyone.

The people who mock you, don't know you. If they knew you, they would not think of being so hurtful.

Unfortunately, there are still too many people in this world who speak before thinking, causing others harm in the process. They are no better than the bullies on the school ground. If you can think of them in those terms, perhaps they will be become smaller and less effective in their behaviour.

You really do deserve to be in far better living conditions, it would make a difference to your mental health being somewhere clean and liveable. Have you exhausted all your options in getting help in this regard?

You definitely are safe with us. Could you try to picture each of us in your mind and when you feel afraid, see us surrounding you, keeping you safe?

To echo your words to me when I needed support - I have great respect for you - my wish for you is that you will someday soon no longer feel afraid and begin to live with a sense of safety.

Thinking of you,

indigo 🌻

Re: It here again

Scared — Tue, 07 Jan 2025 11:10:33 GMT

I have tried to picture you already Indigo

I will think of you going to sleep tonight if thats ok

I wish i had you near to me as i feel safe in your words

I believe you do care

Re: It here again

indigo22 — Wed, 08 Jan 2025 07:16:34 GMT

Hi Scared,

Just wanted to check in with you and ask how you are today.

Did you manage to get some restful sleep?

indigo

Re: It here again

Scared — Wed, 08 Jan 2025 23:18:57 GMT

Yes i get to sleep

Its the only respite i do get

Every morning I wake up in a nightmare that wont stop

Thx for checking in on me

Re: It here again

Croix — Thu, 09 Jan 2025 13:40:01 GMT

Dear Scared~

I have to say I like the way you respond to other posters, you have a pretty unique ability being able to be blunt when necessary, and being warm and comforting, offering hugs, at other times.

OK, your life is horrible for now and has been for a long time, while it may not be much consolation at the moment that life has given you wisdom and empahty, gifts of great value that have benefited others here, not only the ones you speak to directly, but all the rest who read but never post.

It may seem too great a price to pay to keep on living just to guide others, and if that was your whole future then that would seem almost reasonable to you, however you do not have a crystal ball any more than I do.

You did have a relationship for years the changed your life at the time. That ability to love is still inside you and it is not impossible you may find someone else, or they might find you. After all you have gathered around you here people that care, this is not automatic, it happens because you are you.

Yes, I know, this sounds like meaningless encouragement, however I found love after 50 and have had a wonderful partner ever since.

I'd like to return to a post you made in September when you asked if anyone has found a medication that had a very quick, long lasting and effective effect on depression. Around 10 years ago I took part in a test to see if a specific psychoactive drug would have an effect on depression. . It did!, within a few weeks my life had turned around.

I"m not pretending it is perfect and defeats all ups and downs, but it took away the fear I had of existing and has left me with a life I mostly enjoy and do not wish to end.

I'm afraid Forum Rules prevent me from naming the medication, a frustrating thing, and sadly it is not on PBS so can be expensive. However from your point of view it may let you see that by searching you may find a medication that makes a substantial difference, somethng you might not have believed in before. True everyone is different and it may not work on you, but that does not mean something else wont.

In your life not all doors are closed.

Croix

Re: It here again

Scared — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 00:01:40 GMT

Thank you croix for your response

Today im back in hospital

Im alone and scared of my future.

Re: It here again

Scared — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 00:08:51 GMT

Sometimes i have to be blunt because of at times i need to save my emotional energy for myself.

Yet if i can deliver a response that is direct and concise and have a clear point to it then that helps both me and the person whom has reached out.

Not all my responses make it past our moderators. Im still learning where the boundary lies

Re: It here again

indigo22 — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 09:22:30 GMT

Hi Scared,

I am glad to hear you are back in hospital, you may not necessarily like being there, but while you are there, you don't have to deal with your home environment or the other people there. That is a good thing in itself.

Thinking of you,

indigo

Re: It here again

Croix — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 13:23:48 GMT

Dear Scared~

I've found hospital frightening, both for my future which seemed as bleak, and also for the loss of control, being unable ot leave and not having much choice of medication - plus other patients who could actually appear upsetting.

As Indigo said at least at the moment you do not have to deal wiht the people where you normally live, I remember looking down several floors from a ward window (which prudently did not open very far) and saw people , small and foreshortened viewed from on top, carrying on with their lives, and feeling removed from them, something I was glad of.

Ward life is not pleasant and mostly boring. My means of handling that was escape into novels, I don't know if you read much, perhaps hear a books or videos might be better. the last ward had headphones and monitored computers so you did not have to rely on your phone all the time.

With having some posts rejected is simply a matter of finding you way to present things in a different way. I find I can get most ideas across if I choose how to do it. Bluntness, if not taken too far, can be a welcome approach. The Forum Guidelines give some idea of the basic rules, then it is a matter of practice.

I think you would be surprised at how much your words and conduct contribute to the welfare of others here.

Croix

Re: It here again

Scared — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 23:56:30 GMT

Thank you all

I am frightened and alone here

I dont know whats happening to me

Re: It here again

Croix — Sat, 11 Jan 2025 13:04:05 GMT

Dear Scared~

I get what you mean about being alone, but would you like to tell me me about not knowing what is happening to you?

Croix

Re: It here again

Scared — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 07:59:37 GMT

Im afraid of not being able to cope in this world anymore.

I cant see an end to this suffering and I dont understand why i cant cope this time.

Everything seems an impossibility and I dont know how to survive with this handicapped brain of mine.

Re: It here again

indigo22 — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 09:01:03 GMT

Dear Scared,

I know your post is a reply to Croix.

I'm sorry you are so afraid, I just want you to know we are still here holding this safe space for you.

Are you still in hospital?

Is there a possibility that you are having a reaction to a medication that is leaving you with these feelings of not being able to cope this time? I hope you have talked this through with someone on the medical staff.

Thinking of you,

indigo 🌻

Re: It here again

Scared — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 09:56:04 GMT

Yes still in hospital indigo

I been withdrawing from meds lately b4 they start me on new ones

Thx for checking on me indigo

Re: It here again

Croix — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 10:59:18 GMT

Dear Scared~

If you don't mind me saying so I liked the way you thoughts to thank Indigo, despite all that is happening you at the moment you have retained your standards and treat others well. I think this is a sign of coping, despite the feelings you may have of loss and fear and lack or faith in yourself.

Indigo may be right. I know coming off several meds made me feel more hopeless and going on a couple of new ones made me suicidal. Needless to sat they were dropped at once.

As I've mentioned I am some that make life very different place.

In hospital is probably the best place to change over meds as there should be competent staff to hand most of the time. Have you mentioned the feelings you are having at the moment? It might be a case of slowing the change-over, dunno, not a doctor.

Your responses to other people in the forum show wisdom. I guess you are like a deep pond, with great reserves underneath that may not be visible on the surface. Things you can rely on to see you through. (Probably does not make sense, at least I know what I mean:)

Do you mind if I ask how you keep yourself occupied in the ward?

Croix