topic Thank you in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Frightened

Scared — Mon, 26 Aug 2024 05:34:35 GMT

Hi Im 61 Im beyond tired of doctors and dealing with people who dont have depression. I live in a windowless room slowly going under. I want to go out onto the street and call out help me please

Im so afraid if I look to deep at my reality I wont be able to handle it.

I had depression and anxiety for years , been hospitalised and all the usual ups and downs. But this time is different like I dodged too many bullets and this time I wont get out of this living hell. So only suicide is left. I mean I really cant see things changing. I was desperate to stop this downhill spiral that I thought if I get a job that will save me. But now Im too sick to go to work and the new employer doesnt understand where I am and why. I now getting anxiety about that

I feel like screaming help or at least please understand me. I feel I can only relate to others with depression

Going under

Scared — Mon, 26 Aug 2024 05:56:27 GMT

I just posted in young people section by mistake. I cant even do this right. Im 61 for Gods sake not 16. I now dont have the energy to start all over again. I can only say I live in a windowless room and depression is getting worse. I feel like going out to the busy street and screaming help me.
Im angry at people who are anti suicide who dont know what its like to live this way. Im too afraid to examine just how bad things really are . I just wasted all my energy on posting in the wrong section ( young people)
Young people can have hope for things to improve whereby I dont share hope for myself. I dont belong to healthy people because I cant match them.
I had suicide all set to go last year then a friend stopped me and I hospitalised for 5 weeks.
What these friends dont get is Im left alone again suffering
Why save me if I am to just suffer all over again

Re: Frightened

Sophie_M — Wed, 28 Aug 2024 02:19:33 GMT

Hi Scared,

Welcome to the Forums. We are glad that you have been able to reach out here today in the midst of what sounds like a really distressing time. We wanted to let you know we are also reaching out to you privately via email to check in and make sure you have some supports during this time.

It makes sense that you feel you can most relate to others experiencing similar feelings. It can be difficult for those who haven’t experienced it to know just how relentless those feelings of depression and hopelessness can be. You are not alone in experiencing these thoughts and feelings – many of our lovely community members here are able to relate and we are all here for you.

Please know that you can reach out to one of the Beyond Blue counsellors at any time on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/

Another option is to call Lifeline for crisis support, available 24/7 on 13 11 14, or online: https://www.lifeline.org.au/. If there’s ever an immediate risk of harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).

Thank you once again for posting here (and please don’t feel bad about posting in the wrong section – it happens all the time! We’ve moved it to the appropriate now). We are here for you 24/7.

Kind regards
Sophie M

Re: Frightened

indigo22 — Mon, 26 Aug 2024 10:12:42 GMT

Hi Scared,

Welcome, so glad you decided to reach out.

I have been where you are and it is a very lonely place to be.

I am in my 60s also and have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression since my early teens.

It is true that many just don't understand what depression is like and try as they may, will never know how to support you.

There are many here that have been where you are, or are still there, so you are not alone here.

I also reached that point and was stopped. In truth, I don't think any of us truly want to take that path, just want the debilitating pain and anguish to stop.

Do you currently have anyone to talk to about how you are feeling? A family member or a counsellor? As Sophie advised, make sure you reach out to a helpline when you need to, it does help when you are at your lowest, even just to hear another voice.

Would you like to expand a little on some of things you have already tried? I would prefer not to make suggestions that haven't worked for you.

We do understand and we are here for you so please continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Take care,

indigo

Re: Frightened

Croix — Mon, 26 Aug 2024 13:16:27 GMT

Dear Scared~

I'd like to join Sophie and Indigo in welcoming you here. This is a place where you find others who too have felt their life has shrunk down to a few hopeless thoughts wiht no way out except to take one's life.

I have those episodes and have actually tried to take my life more than one, and been hospitalized too. You are right in that treatments -of any sort - is not always effective.

Depression is an insidious thing, and is very good at planing false thoughts in the mind -or so I have found looking back. At the time I thought they were my thoughts, and full of hopelessness and unhappiness and lack of self-worth.

I'm not trying to suggest in any way htat you are not deeply suffering, or seem at the end of your tether. What I can suggest that the identical set of circumstances sometimes seem horrible, other times tolerable, the only difference being my capacity to cope.

This capacity to handle what I face can come from therapy and medication if one is lucky, however there are things I found on can do for oneself. See if at the end of every day there is one thing you enjoy or have enjoyed in the past. It does not have to be big, a fruit pie, a favorite book, a TV show, a walk outside, talking wiht a friend abut lighter topics.

Now you are different from me and will have your own tastes. If you have forgotten try to get a friend to help you remember. To have something to look forward ot each day makes a difference, and I found over time this self-reward made me happier, someone who deserved a reward.

You may not be able to hold down a regular job, however again I found a sense of purpose gives a reason for each day. One of mine is to post here and talk with others such as yourself. If you cast your mind around you may be able to find a purpose too. Once again it does not have to be huge, but just enough to make you realize you have things to offer -which you do.

Your time was not wasted in the Young Peoples' Section. You might be surprised how many relate.

Living in a windowless room can be hard, I find the walls seem to be reminders of past unpleasant feelings and experiences. Is there any way you can make it different? Paint, posters, pictures or whatever takes your fancy. Just so it appears different, not same old same old.

There have been times I thought there was no hope and no point, I was a mess. If I can reach the stage where I would not willingly give up life maybe you can too

Talk here as much as you like, it will be understood

Croix

Thank you

Scared — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 01:58:43 GMT

To those kind people who responded I love you for that

I had a girlfriend and she was the only light I had

I knew I was clinging to her for dear life as my life has become so bleak. She now doesnt call as much and I feel so needy .

All the small changes in her add up to Im not as important to her as I once was.

I dont think I can handle anymore grief at this point without something going terribly wrong in my head.

She is in Thailand and we had this friendship 8 years now and Im so afraid she is leaving my life.

My life is so empty already but I try to be upbeat when she does call.

She doesnt understand mental illness. She once said she cant afford to worry about me because she will get sick from worry. Im scared to suicide and scared to live.

My Thai friend seems to be getting sick of my calls and I want to try to stop calling. I have become so weak in my will. I go a day without calling and she calls and I answer. Im now playing games trying to get her to miss me and thats not who I am or ever was. Thank you all for listening to me I appreciate you so much sincerely

Re: Thank you

indigo22 — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 03:30:51 GMT

Hi again,

This is a great place to find new connections with people who totally get it. Even though this is online communication, it does build your self esteem communicating with the community here, because everyone is kind and there is no judgement. Perhaps you can make it a part of your day to see what conversations are of interest to you and join in when you feel inclined to.

I have been through many difficult challenges and I wanted to use my experience to help others. I stumbled on the forums one day and realised this was a perfect place to be able to that, I didn't want everything I have been through to be for nothing. Perhaps your experiences could help others also and at the same time could help you feel a little better.

Further to Croix's suggestions, you could find a poster of a window that looks out onto beautiful scenery of your liking, then frame and hang it in the perfect spot. Not quite the same as having a real window, but you get to choose what the scene is. I have also seen some beautiful nature scenes purposely made for your fridge/freezer that are self adhesive. I know it is only a small thing, but having beautiful things to look at in your surroundings could make you feel a little better.

For some, connecting with nature gives them a feeling of peace, having some plants could be a good start.

Others find having an animal helps, they give so much unconditional love and love to keep you company. Perhaps this is something you could also consider.

You are every bit as important as anyone else on the planet, believing any less is a disservice to yourself. Despite whatever your challenges have been, you are still here, so I believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Yes, life can definitely be brutal at times, but there is also something to learn from those challenges you have been through.

If you like to read, there are many books available to help with understanding mental illness better and may help you become wiser about how you became overwhelmed and how you can change your perspective on some things in the future. We can make some recommendations if you are interested.

I hope you are feeling a little less alone today.

Thinking of you,

indigo

Re: Frightened

Scared — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 04:26:50 GMT

I have tried meditation and I go for walk in sun

Im taking my meds and live cleanly

Im missing my girl too much today

I blocked her number thinking it will help me. Im in a dark place already and not able to deal with a relationship breakdown ontop of the pain Im already in.
I keep having a recurring vision to walk into the outback and not come back.

I dream this day and in my sleep as well.

I am heading for a breakdown as the hurt is becoming too much to hold.

I dont do drugs but I see clearly why others need to and kill the pain

Re: Frightened

indigo22 — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 06:07:50 GMT

Would it help to tell me about some of the things that have led you to this dark place?

I know what you mean about taking drugs, I never did either, but it is an escape just like alcohol and many other things. I know the feeling of being so full of pain that the thought of any more would break the camels back.

The camels back did break for me and I was in a dark hole for a long time and it is so hard to see how the future could be any different when you are that deep in the fog.

If you would like to know more about who I am, here is the link to my first post on the forums. It was written after I had recovered somewhat from all that had happened.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/welcome-and-orientation/new-to-the-forums/td-p/566648

There is reason to still have hope that you will get on top of the way you are feeling at the moment, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

Sending you strength to get you through the day,

indigo 💞

Re: Frightened

Scared — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 06:53:23 GMT

Thx Croix

I had a purpose and that was my girl

For years I was in homeless situations and I always had her to talk to and also got great purpose in helping her when I could. Now she seems to be not needing me as much anymore and Im sick in my gut as I dont know any other way to live without her as my purpose.

My life has no purpose but to only feel pain. I should have seen this coming but I didnt I thought she would always be there. I have known no other thing for 8 years but survival and taking care of her emotional well being. Now i nothing left and Im a bit angry at that. Nothing to show for it and depressed again and getting sicker. At 61 years im not starting again Sydney has nowhere for me to even live Im live in some dirty illegal boarding house where if fire broke out we are all burnt alive. Im not afraid of death , in fact I welcome it but not burnt alive. I dont want to live anymore and I do mean that. Only so much hardship a person can take. Even the paraolympians seem to be mocking me with their achievements. Good on them but I cant do what they do with years of depression

Re: Frightened

Scared — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 06:55:03 GMT

Thank you Indigo you are most kind

Re: Frightened

Scared — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 07:26:37 GMT

Indigo my girl is all I know in this world

She made it possible to live with depression , gave me strength and purpose to fight on.

She kept me company by phone when I slept rough

She gave me energy to work shit jobs so we can both eat

I taught her about life and values to strive for

I often said to her if a nice man comes along then its ok to go with him

Indigo I didnt know it was going to hurt so much when she goes

My world is small and bleak and she bought some light to it and now I am alone
Last year they put me in hospital because my depression was so bad I felt no other choice but exiting.

I never stopped to think till just now what my girl would have done with news I had passed.

How crazy I never thought about her only thinking ending my pain

My girl in Thailand is very unique almost like she doesnt inderstand these things

In short she has become like a daughter I never had
I just care about her

Re: Frightened

Scared — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 08:18:33 GMT

And no I dont have anyone to talk to

I believe you care Indigo but alot people dont really care.

I was living and retired in Thai but had to leave my girlfriend behind and come back Aus. I had nowhere to live so I went to an old friends house .

All day this friend talked gloom and doom about the planet , put women down was racist and all the while Im having to bottle my grief inside because this person is not caring.

I asked him to stop this constant negativity but to no avail.

So I just ran out of there to save myself and ended up in a windowless room and without my girlfriend Ratchatah.

Since then my battle with depression is on again and Im too scared to look at being 61 no home no girlfriend no job and without any purpose

I have spent months desperate to talk but have not had anybody to talk to

I have 3 good friends in life

Anne who doesnt do empathy that well

Emma who is always only partly listening

And Brendan who gives me all time in the world and Im so lucky he is my friend

But we not discuss my girlfriend reallh

Re: Frightened

indigo22 — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 08:36:38 GMT

Dear Scared,

I'm sorry to hear you have been through homeless periods and having to live the way you are, it would make it all that much harder to see anything positive. You seem like a very kind and caring person, you have given so much of yourself to your girl, is there not even the tiniest bit that you can give to yourself?

I have had ideation a number of times during my life but when I reached that stage of actually wanting to carry it out, what stopped me was my nephew. He is the son of my eldest brother, grown up with a family of his own. I was also just thinking of how I could stop the pain until he realised what I was thinking and looked me in the eyes and said "you have to promise me right now that you will not do that, we have already lost too many people, we can't lose any more". His words had the effect of waking me up to the fact that I would just be causing them more pain, something I would not contemplate doing if I were thinking clearly. It was a compelling reason to make that promise and keep it.

I found out who my real friends were during that time, and I let some go as they were not there for me as I would have been for them. It is painful to let go of the important people in your life, but it doesn't sound like your girl has left your life, perhaps just needing some space for a while.

Please try to find just a little of the same care you feel for your girl and give it to yourself.

You are worth it. We all are.

indigo

Re: Frightened

Scared — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 12:04:29 GMT

Thank you Indigo

I dont know how to be kind to myself right now.

I gave her so much I can barely believe it

I sleeping in homeless shelters and on street and sharing any money so she could have a place to live. She has audio hallucinations and has a very simple child like at times mind.

She has no idea the hardships I faced in those years

But I dont deserve hero status because she gave me purpose in life and that was the gift for me I later worked out.

If my mental health was better I might not be crying so much at her slipping away from my life but when she presses decline function on phone or says I annoy her calling too much I get sad.

Like I said she will never know the hardship I went through. She has also given me so much stress with her own mental health till I got her to doctor whom diagnosed her as scitzophrenia.

Sorry I dont know how to spell it but I always was there when she needed me

I do deserve her support but I will never get it. She now gives me more hurt than happiness or comfort and thats where Im at

I had a heart attack while living at central station in 2019 and in a week back to taking care her then diagnosed with brain tumor last year while in pysh ward

What im saying is I cant handle anymore stress and my girl is not helping me.

Re: Frightened

Croix — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 12:10:15 GMT

Dear Scared~

The more you write the more I can see the man inside. You are wise, kind, loving and selfless. Telling your GF it's OK to go with a good man really proves that you are able to put your care for another first. I would be pretty certain that she will have greatly benefited from your company and guidance whilst you were together.

You thought of her in someways as a daughter, and children to go on to their own lives, it is a sign of increacing maturity.

No, many good people have no idea about depression or suicide, it's never been something they have experienced, so cannot relate and talk. It's not really their fault, it just means you can't talk wiht them and expect much back.

Grief and loss colour the world, and do make peole do things they might not otherwise. I do not think I'd block the phone, it would be in my case done so as not to have to face further loss, to cut it short. However not only might it hurt your GF you never know what might happen. You might be introduced to a friend of hers or a member of her family and enjoy talking.

I'm a lot older than you and Indigo and the friends I had with whom I had the ability to talk on an equal level about depression and suicide have passed away (from natural causes). I had resigned myself to the efforts of well meaning but ignorant people as the only ones to converse with, and felt alone.

I did meet another friend, about your age as it happens, who also had endured the same sort of hard times, it is a relief to find someone I can almost talk shorthand with. We do not have a crystal ball

Living in Thailand will not doubt have given you a lot to describe and talk about, why not employ that. In my library are 'human book' sessions where someone will talk about thier life experiences, imparting that experience to the young.

It might seem overly difficult to find something like that , but if the alternative is being in your room maybe that will help you try.

I know I'm laying out before you things you may regard as unrealistic or over-positive. I'm simply hoping both the talking and something I say may raise a spark

Croix

Re: Frightened

Croix — Tue, 27 Aug 2024 12:15:40 GMT

P.S. We cross-posted (both posted at the same time) so my last post makes no mention of yours, whch of course I had not seen

-C

Re: Frightened

Scared — Wed, 28 Aug 2024 02:23:22 GMT

Thank you Croix and you too Indigo

Having people understand pain helps a little

You two answered my distress and make me feel Im not entirely alone

I just met a lady from Wesley mission who has now contacted Acute Team

All I said to her was that my dream of going to work is the only thing that stops me exiting She doesnt want me to go to work as she thinks Im too unwell.

Now she doing ( duty of care ) thing.

I know depression is a selfish thing and Im always aware that

I want to try something different today and very very important and that is

Indigo and Croix how are you feeling today?

Re: Frightened

Scared — Wed, 28 Aug 2024 04:32:34 GMT

And of course thank you too Sophie

Re: Frightened

indigo22 — Wed, 28 Aug 2024 07:38:12 GMT

Dear Scared,

I am doing well today, thank you for asking, that's so kind of you.

I am doing even better now after reading your post, it sounds like your call for help has been heard. I hope this will be a positive step in receiving the support and care you need and deserve.

Please let us know how things are progressing and always know that we are here whenever you want to talk about things. You no longer need to feel alone. Croix and I will be following this thread so if you post here again at any time, we will get a notification and will be happy to talk with you.

I hope you are feeling just that tiny bit lighter today.

Thinking of you,

indigo