topic Re: Just recollecting my past trauma's during high school. in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

I can't face anymore injustice. I'm a tragedy.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Thu, 18 Apr 2024 08:21:39 GMT

1) I am 29 with no active payed work history. I've never wanted to be a apprentice, do a traineeship or anything in construction or the trades. I would struggle with Year 12 VCE and I couldn't be suited for University. I never wanted to work the typical industries like hospitality, sales, factory and retail. I've never known anything beyond the limited scope of conventional work and nothing of that seems suitable and desirable for me.

2) I never had a close relationship with my father. I've hated him ever since I was little, It started with him trying to make me follow his AFL football team, or he would be overbearing and verbal to my mother. He only understands himself, His selfish, arrogant, un caring, ignorant about many things. He can be devious and talk behind your back if he wants to, because if things are kept secret he won't have a guilty conscious. He prevents me from having valid feelings and problems and sais I'm on holidays because I'm un employed. He wants a house of peace and doesn't let me talk to my mother if his bothered about the volume of his T.V. His told my mother that I shouldn't be driving and that I don't want to work. All during high school my father was complaining to him about school feels and that I was taking days off and his friend was saying to pull me out of the only ideal private high school I could go to. I was bullied all during high school verbally and even physically degraded. I hated everyone in that school everyday for six years. Generally any issue that isn't his own problem, He just said why are you telling me for, or what does it have to do with me.

Re: I can't face anymore injustice. I'm a tragedy.

white knight — Sun, 21 Apr 2024 06:57:31 GMT

Hi, again,

Essentially your post is similar to your previous posts, but thats ok. I'd like to take a different tack on this post.

We members have a side variety of mental health issues and most of us have to blend into our society the best we can within the limitations of our health, personality, capabilities and so on.

Bearing that in mind at 29yo you seem to have some capability to work judging on the facts that you have worked voluntarily for 9 months in one period and your writing is superb. So considering your capabilities - why aren't you working?

At 29yo most adults have long flown the family nest, they are renting, driving a car and working within their capabilities. You are still living at home and your father is somewhat getting irritated with you... and you are wondering why? Perhaps he is wanting a life within his home with just him and your mother? Has he worked all his life? If he has he is likely like me, he doesnt understand why you prefer not to look for work.

Previous replies I suggested "any work at all is preferable, then look for work you want to do- while you are working at the first job. You need money to rent, shop and so on. So the answer to your posts is- apply for employment. If that means part time work to supplement your DSP so be it.

Your dad might well be irritable but you are living in his home so technically he has a right to be however he pleases. You left school some 12 years ago yet you are still now mentioning the bullying so you might need some therapy to rid yourself of that torment.

When looking for work you are focussing on "what is desirable for me" when that is the last thing to consider at this stage in life.

I have a neighbour over the road, she has 4 children under 10yo, has zero child support from the kids father and yes she gets a pension but also she picked up a part time job during school hours at the local service station. So she starts work at 9am and is busy getting the kids off to school. She doesnt have a car so she walks with them one kilometre and one kilometre back to her work. At 3pm she walks the 2kms again and at home makes dinner, helps with school work etc. She didnt have to work, she chose to work to get extra money. She hates cooking fish and chips at the servo but she has no choice.

In life you wont ever get anywhere without hard work. An old lady told me that.

What do you think? Do you think you can find work, any work and make a life for yourself.?

TonyWK

Re: I can't face anymore injustice. I'm a tragedy.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Mon, 22 Apr 2024 15:17:40 GMT

Thanks for your reply White Knight, TonyWK.

Well the reason I haven't been working, is I just haven't had a suitability for sales and I wouldn't want to work hospitality. I tried volunteering washing dishes and I was promised one hour but she told me I'm done after 30 minutes, when I said thanks for the opportunity she didn't say anything back to my face. I didn't disbelieve in my ability entirely with that particular job, It's more that she made the defining judgment that I wouldn't be suitable. I didn't like the closed environment and having to alert everyone around me wither I was walking around the kitchen and the job itself just felt not my personality. I knew I wouldn't be suitable for entry sales, hospitality and my only options are factory or retail that's including myself, most don't ideally want to do. It's just so challenging to get a job, especially without work history in my circumstance. I was hoping on doing a certificate IV in Nutrition until I realised it's not much point without Unversity bachelor or a masters.

I have known I would never be suitable for a apprenticeship, construction or any traineeship. With University I was struggling with writing essay's during year 11 VCE and I did VCAL in year 12. So I don't have a ATAR or VCE to be eligible for University. I don't have the academic ability but I'm also not the self motivated type to study for 3 - 4 years. Though I do like the idea of Dietitian and Nutrition more than anything else that's academic. It was obviously also because I was being bullied in so many ways all through high school and hated everyone at the school. I had a video game addiction for a dozen years that started on the computer when I was starting high school and I never felt the importance of University until after my mid twenties. When I saw how a degree broadens the spectrum of entry jobs. How you get ideal wages and salaries depending on what you do. It was most just the benefit of employment security and likely having more remote destinations to work and choose. Obviously feeling that your work too is more meaningful and interesting. I just know even if I could restart high school I just didn't have enough passion, drive to be academic.

I know this is unrealistic for most, but especially someone in my shoes it would never be anymore, but since 14 I actually felt that I wanted to be a Musician to some degree. I just couldn't like my generations music and I liked the older genres and everything about how it was. I just have noticed certain things about how the world operates now on a social plain but also how I generalised this belief that decency is marginalised in society and that I could never have the confidence I needed to be anything beyond a person of aspiring mediocrity.

I've never agreed with my diagnosis and despite knowing that I'm not suffering from any mental diagnosis. I can't convince the therapist's otherwise. I'm against psychiatry personally I see their medications as too much of a injustice than a valid beneficial dependence on patients. I also believe none of them care about their patients that they view them under mediocre disdain and that their only working for their abundant salaries to keep their patients in blind compliance. Just how they briefly acknowledge side effects but they won't take accountability when your victimised, give any apologies, sympathy or compensation.

Re: I can't face anymore injustice. I'm a tragedy.

white knight — Tue, 23 Apr 2024 01:36:04 GMT

Hi AWB,

Firstly allow me to thankyou for be gracious. My last post was firm but I tried to be fair and a little bit challenging which isnt usual for me, but it produced the result I was after and that is for you to challenge yourself as to the in depth reasons that lead to how you feel today and the lead up to it. Well done.

So lets take these subject of which there are several, into perspective and see what we can come up with to make you feel more comfortable here and with your plans

Career- You mention "masters or degree" a number of times. Your perspective seems to be that you need these in order to work in that industry. Yet there is many jobs in all industries that dont require such schooling like health shops that could need a shop attendant. Now that is retail but when you have expertise (just knowledge) of nutrition the shop owner is only interested in how you dispense with the correct product. So I think some flexibility in your thinking is needed rather than wiping the while nutrician indistry from your job opportunities.

Music- A recent survey I read found that the average musician earned $6,000 a year. My guess is that those that earned enough to make a living was around 2-3%. The chances of making enough money is so small it is best to be discounted apart from personal enjoyment. This is an example of ongoing thinking that is non productive. Focus on a solution and discount those thoughts that might never be a solution. 3-4 years of study does take long term study of which you admit wouldnt be sustainable. Also the bullying has scarred you so any school atmosphere would be testing. All in all remove studying from your list unless it is short term. Short courses are available- have you looked into that?

?Your dishwashing job surprised me and well done in giving it a go. I suggest its likely the boss made up her mind earlier that she didnt want you working there, she might have realised. So no point in criticising yourself.

Of the 90+ jobs I had in my working life one was in a factory on a machine building Holden cars. I liked it because I was left alone to operate that simple machine. In the evenings I went to a short course in security and crowd control and got full time work in a jail. Then that led to dog ranger for 8 years and that led to my dream job of investigator- see how one job led to the next and it took 16 years to get my dream job?

I think there is reasons why you dont want to work or cant. Your perception of the mental health industry is flawed in so many ways. A high percentage of patients dont agree on diagnosis as they dont "feel" like that diagnosis. I didnt feel bipolar when diagnosed but I listened to other people intently and knew there was something wrong, they cant all be wrong. There is many illnesses out there, have you explored if there is another illness you might have or asked them if you could be tested for other illnesses? The reason many that have schizophrenia go off their meds is that they feel either they havent got it or they are cured and dont need it- both are unsubstantiated only based on "feel" rather than a second or third diagnosis. Worth pursuing.

Thoughts?

TonyWK

Re: I can't face anymore injustice. I'm a tragedy.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Tue, 23 Apr 2024 06:08:14 GMT

I lack confidence wither it's obviously my financial issues, my pre diabetes diagnosis and remembering high school and everyone there that I hated. It could also be my father and other people like his sister and friend. I just don't have confidence to be myself or disagree with anyone or argue my opinions. Half the things you say today are taboo and your told right from wrong about anything. I don't like my generation because they try to make you feel wither your likeable or controversial and if anyone's famous either they would likely question your sanity or view you in disdain that your not on their recognition of measured success. The generation has more insecurity with how you speak and their more one up minded than peaceful in my belief. I can't handle a world where everyone's flawed and equal but people are selectively discriminated. It's this intolerant reality of people thinking they can define me with their limited faith in my capabilities or they just has confident bias judgment that I become anti social and isolate and keep to my hobbies. I don't relate to the world's secularism and I'm not as radical as what's imposed globally. I am marginalised and identifying more with the 20th century in so many ways.

As for my mental situation. The reason with myself that I personally disagree is because I know the reasons I was acting suicidal and I know that I wasn't out of reality or hearing voices. I just was immature with a infatuation and upset about my life that made me youthfully act dumb a few times that then I became mistakenly believed that I was schizoprehnic. I never agreed even on the day of the diagnosis and I've been saying despite my past flaws I haven't agreed with the diagnosis. The worst thing is when I was voluntary admitted into hospital without having a choice but than I said I don't agree with my diagnosis but that I would take my medication if I didn't have a choice. He just believed I wouldn't take my meds which is understandable so I guess from his perspective he extended my time in hospital for two extra weeks and put me on a community discharge order, at the time I was angry because of that predicament and he felt that I bullied him briefly. I know that all these therapist's are passed down my complicated misleading file that explains my peculiar history, but I still know the sad truth that their mistaken with my diagnosis. I have to accept my destructive dumbness has lead to this circumstance.

My Centrelink was positive because it contributed to my driving and so I could buy materialism and enjoy my life. I could have some chance at financial saving's. Though the medications ruined me with the pre diabetes and the cholecystectomy/stretch marks. Other than that it's been a bitter sweet tragic scenario for me. I would otherwise be 29 with having a decade without enjoying things, having my driving and saving's and that would be horrendous. I have no direction unless I try working for 8 hours and balancing claiming my DSP. I don't want to work longer in a job that may not be for me or risk my only guaranteed income which has been Centrelink for a long time. I lack desirability to be out with society. It makes everything more emotional and mental to compensate.

With the music it's just I don't like my generations music. I prefer older gen & genres like rock variations, blues, metal. In my generation their all more into digital processed radio pop or modern rapping that to me lacks the principles of traditional talented rap. To me their more clones off each others backs and their less with strong originality and appeal. I just too prefer the qualities of older generation interaction. It's everything about wither it's the music from the lyrics, sound, talent, film videos or just that they were passionate for the creativity itself. I find people today are more superficial with anything and their entrepreneurial motivated that they just want the money and to be famous.

Re: I can't face anymore injustice. I'm a tragedy.

white knight — Tue, 23 Apr 2024 07:59:52 GMT

OK, well it is a bit dangerous to generalise but the music, I'm with you there.

The diagnosis - why dont you consider a second diagnosis? I say this because in 2003 I was falsely diagnosed with ADHD and took meds for that for 6 years... none of them worked at all and a number of times I nearly ran off the road, then in 2009 I saw another psych and he diagnosed me with bipolar2, dysthymia (low mood constant depression) and anxiety etc. Took meds for bipolar and it changed my life for the better. Just this year I've been told I am high functioning under the autism spectrum and my wife and I have read books on that and I fit into that like a glove. That has led to a greater understanding of my reactions and behaviour. It also led me to accept myself better and not view myself as abnormal. Sure I'm different but not different enough to become a hermit that I considered doing several times in my 20's.

A new psych has new eyes and ears. They often overturn past diagnosis and it can be a game changer.

TonyWK

Re: I can't face anymore injustice. I'm a tragedy.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Tue, 23 Apr 2024 08:37:02 GMT

I can't have confidence because I don’t simply relate with people today and I'm nothing like my generation, their not Christian or Religious and Australian culture never was that way. The world's too radical in many ways that's imposed. People are more smug now and even if everyone’s supposed to be equal and human. It’s too common for some individuals to be discriminated. The heart is over looked and it’s more about being attractive or having superficial achievements to be valuable. Decency is marginalised maybe.

Ultimately too many claim that life is meaningless and they make it all about sex and making money beyond already having money. Some are hypocritical with their behaviour or with who they bully or selectively favour to accept and overlook. Certain people in positions of authority try to be the defining opinion over people’s capabilities who they view in disdain. They disregard the important role they play over their lives and they are careless about encouraging them, instead they talk to them with defeatism and limit their spectrum of potential. Society's too socially superficial and when your given advice it's most of the time cliché and generic and only because your actively paying someone, but at the end of the day, no one cares about strangers and friends aren't their parents to cater for them.

The main thing is the average person has too much ambivalence and your fighting to believe in any minimal opinion, especially if it's unpopular or conservative. Your undermined and it's typical that people lower your intelligence. The majority don't possess humility to be wrong their not accountable until their proven guilty. No one agrees with you 100% only partially 98% of the time. Certain types abuse anyone if they have certain diagnoses towards their sanity and emotions. You can't confidently like older gen clothing or music because your made to feel cringe or that your not from those generations to like it, or your views, persona.

You can't have a legitimate dispute with another ethnic if your White because than through stigma and assumptions your believed to be a racist or they use the social scenario and manipulate to others that you are being so. People only apologies because their teachers tell them, celebrities and sports athletes only do the same just for their reputation and publicity, not out of sincerity. The world kind of makes problems a myth until your about age 60. To me younger people more likely say directly wither your awkward, desperate, insecure, weird and they try to bully wither your rock bottom,

Just recollecting my past trauma's during high school.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Sat, 27 Apr 2024 15:17:07 GMT

If it wasn't having glue put in my hair, having my pencil case tipped empty or having everything knocked off my desk or being kicked in the shins constantly before class or stabbed in my arm with a sharp pencils by a few people during my six years at high school.

Another kid during Japanese class was touching my hair and saying that it's all frizzy, Constant shit to deal with. One approached me before religion and smashed my books out my hands. Some tried to say if I do shrooms or that I'm like snoopy dog.

In my shit fake friend circle. I had a kid lick his finger and put it in my ear. Scream in my ear whole, spit soft drink on me, Knock food from my hands, constantly slap me and scratch my hands. He would deliberately mess my hair and bully that it's frizzy. That my bags were purple and wither I am anorexic or look like Michael Jackson or wither I'm pale. They once surrounded me and he grabbed my shoe off me and booted it across the muddy wet oval and I had to hop back and limp when it was muddy, by the end of getting my shoe the music was done playing and the bell was going off and I was last for the final class. Years later when I was 19 his mother said I'm a loser and shouldn't get Centrelink unless I'm self harming. Another one of them was sort of a acquaintance who we hated. He would just tell others wither my and my twin brother are faggots and that no one likes us why does he hang out with these losers. Even towards the end of the schooling he actually was woofing at me and called me a Dog. The other two always had to constantly tell it was me and make me the centre of attention to cop the bullying and to stir all their insults my way.

I used to play Mario Kart on the school computer and just if I was playing well. Another kid would punch me in the arms and push me off my chair. Shut it down or turn off the screen off and unplug the cables. He would throw books off my desk and take my things to make me have to chase after it, while the teacher was kind hearted and too weak to address and control the situation. Even years earlier he once tried to trip me down a flight of stairs near the school lockers.

I hate the generation and their music. Their degenerates. I had one of them snatch my drink and started drinking. I've been told too much.

Re: Just recollecting my past trauma's during high school.

therising — Sat, 27 Apr 2024 20:52:10 GMT

Hi Atomic_Wolf_Boy

Sometimes I consider how ineffective the word 'bullying' is, in regard to how it labels the sometimes soul destroying torment and abuse inflicted by others. Perhaps there is no single word that can accurately sum up such behaviour and the impact it can have for those on the receiving end. I feel so much for you as you still feel the impact.

I believe schools in general still manage such abuse poorly, which is partly due to ineffective laws. A school cannot follow a law that does not yet exist. If the law became 'If it is proven that a child is a repeat offender of bullying within the school community, counseling will be mandatory if that child is to remain within the community (remain a student at that school). Furthermore, the abuser and recipient of abuse must (under law) be kept separate at all times until the abuser is deemed as being sound of mind and no threat to any members of the community'. Something along those lines. As an added law 'All survivors of bullying (ongoing abuse and torment) must also undertake counseling. Such counseling may include

being led to the understanding that the abuser has mental issues that need addressing (as their behaviour is not regarded as normal or healthy),
being led to the understanding that in a society where greater levels of consciousness are expected, abuse/bullying is a reflection of a lack of social awareness/social consciousness
being led to the understanding that every person within the community has the absolute right to function without fear of harassment and abuse
being led to the understanding of what sensitivity truly means. Sensitivity (aka 'the ability to sense') is not a weakness but an ability or a strength. To be able to sense depressing behaviour from others or stressful behaviour from others or disturbing, disruptive, unfair, highly questionable or distressing behaviour from others is about feeling what is actually taking place. How to manage the ability to sense in such a way should be an elective at school. There is just so much to learn in this area, such as how to emotionally detach from certain people, how to manage a triggering person or set of circumstances, how to better understand what it is we're feeling, how we manage to feel through our nervous system, how to tap into other people's feelings and the list goes on.

While schools have come far in the way they now handle bullying (torment and abuse), they just haven't come far enough. Still a long way to go, that's for sure.

It is so unfair that you met with people who lacked consciousness, people who lacked basic human decency, people who lacked sensitivity and the ability to feel for others and those who lacked mental stability amongst other things. When my son and I reflect on the years of bullying/abuse he copped at school, we recognise he had everything they lacked.

Re: Just recollecting my past trauma's during high school.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Sun, 28 Apr 2024 12:26:40 GMT

I absolutely hate society. It wasn't just high school. The world isn't big hearted and people are less important than money, sex and popularity. The world collectively diminished my confidence, because this century is too judgmental, superficial, less mannered, insecure, irrational and radical. People don't have social humility and their individually smug when they achieve success. Too many are narcissistic and with overbearing traits. Men in particular are always outspoken with whose weird, desperate, awkward, insecure or what's cringe. Anyone with too much originality is more likely to get bullied, you can't fully recover from bad relationships only ignore the past. Typically they have this thing about men's voices and their puberty. If your a HSP you can't be suited for the apprentice bloke tradie culture that Australia is famous for. In my experience, too many regular members of society or therapist's in psychiatry manipulate and exaggerate you or they undermine you if you don't agree and they constantly think less of their patients intelligence and in general, their a charade character working for abundant financial greed. Otherwise they try to measure you up to their social class, so they have narcissistic tactic to demean you. Too many think others have to prove anything to anyone, instead of just being wanting to do things for your own approval. I've always been a genuine person and I can't associate in such a fake dysfunctional world. It's also how society, they don't let you speak intellectually smart face to face, unless you claim to be a doctor or if your only posting anything strictly on the internet. I don't like even being with society and having friendship's because people are conformity, wither it's to their opinions, interests, social norms. I hate living in a world with how they put celebrities on a pedestal, despite knowing their famous for anything. I am a comfortable hermit. I don't like interaction or even someone watching me play guitar, I don't take photos. Their more show results and not have any excuses and you have to be toxically positive and act like problems aren't real amongst humanity in major developed Western/European countries. I got sick of anyone telling me what they think, but how I'm too gentle and weak to tell them what is the truth.

It doesn't help when you have been wrongly diagnosed with psychosis / schizophrenia. Living with pre diabetes forever and had a cholecystectomy. Only to have a crap father tell me that I'm disabled. That I shouldn't be driving, that I never wanted to work, wither I'm soft, pale, inept or weak. My mother is overly loving but she's a helicopter parent and my father never felt he had to do more than pay bills and keep behind the television.

It was always this frustrating thing with having American beliefs with religion & politics but thankful to be Australian.

Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Mon, 06 May 2024 08:07:33 GMT

I honestly don't want to keep living my life. I just live behind a computer, the only quality I've ever had is video games & hobbies. I gave up music since.

2008 - 2013 I was bullied in numerous ways. I hated everyone from high school. I had to know two acquaintances who continuously were horrible friends, giving me un wanted labels, nick names, negative opinions. They were laughing and enjoying my problems. They were undermining, interjective and overbearing socially. They thought their better people and that I was made to be as bad as them, anything I ever mildly did was in retaliation to being provoked or mistreated. I hate toxic male traits.

After high school I couldn't advance my life. I still had no money, no suitable entry work direction, no opportunities. I never wanted to do a apprenticeship or anything in construction or a traineeship. I never valued University till after 25 and when I realised entry un skilled wages are terrible. Especially when I saw there's nothing more than retail, hospitality, sales and factory. I always saw University as a social norm that wasn't for everyone. After being diagnosed with pre diabetes 3 - 4 years later it generically made me more interested in Nutrition - Dietitian.

I was suicidal from 2012 - 2014, not genuinely I just didn't enjoy my life. I had all those problems with no direction, money and dealing with those bad friends. I also had a rare infatuation, at the time she was this girl that I put on a pedestal physically and I went virtually insane with it all. I never was able to afford driving lessons, a license and a vehicle. I couldn't have the essential independence that everyone wants. It all ended up getting me wrongly diagnosed with psychosis and even schizophrenia. They otherwise treat me as indenyl or that I lack insight. They otherwise think autism or asperges and even if I don't agree with it I'm invalidated as being the patient. Their narcissistic and I know their wrong and flawed.

I can't relate to my generation and Australia's dogma, their not only too progressive since I'm Christian Religious and conservative compared to here with that specifically. Australia has no attentive to the Bible's doctrine and that's just how they culturally want to approach life. I am spiritual, I know in some way outside physics I'm continuously judged, bullied, gossiped about, they laugh about me. Their always talking against my intelligence, telling me I'm different. A hypocritical world saying to be yourself?

Re: Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

white knight — Tue, 07 May 2024 02:39:34 GMT

Different is good. I'm bipolar, without my bipolar I wouldnt be able to write my beloved poetry. I'm under the autism spectrum and have read up on it (full function) without that I wouldnt think outside the square, building amazing trikes, my own home and a train with a ride on mower and many other thing including portable cubby houses with attic windows. My illnesses give me a unique character. So was I different at school- yes, very, and was I bullied- yes, but those kids didnt understand that not being a sheep is good and they gang up with their attitudes. They were wrong in their behaviour, me? well I was my own self.

Your anger/dislike for society could be what I had- catastrophising. If we focus on the negatives in society we live life with those feelings and fear/anger/retaliation and so on overtake us. Before too long everything is a nightmare in terms of general living and survival.

So, what can life bring to us that is problem free?

You mentioned you are spiritual, that is a good thing, so am I. When you watch an eagle soar, do you feel its spirit? or the pure wonder of it all? When you see on TV or the internet- baby animals being protected by their parents, nestled in a nest or animals helping each other- do you feel something? I do. It costs nothing because you can walk to the nearest park and admire animals, breath deep and feel the love of life. But to do that you need to stop yourself dwelling on issues of the far past like school days. You also need to not focus on the littering near your feet or someone yelling in their back yard.

When I watch videos on Facebook I love the animal ones but if one was there of a lion chasing down an antelope I scroll past it as I dont like watching an animal destroyed. That means I have used my choices to protect myself from what hurts me. You have those options also. If I go to my shopping centre I like looking in shop windows and there is always people trying to sell things like charities or solar panels and the like. I get really annoyed when I'm approached by them so now I avoid them by keeping many metres away. This is self protection.

The girl you were infatuated with that drove you nearly insane... nothing wrong with that until your actions about it become unsafe or lead to chronic torment. This is where therapy is needed in situations whereby your thoughts become irrational and obsessive.

With our mental illnesses many of us are over the boundaries of obsessive thoughts, they become unmanageable. That's when we need help to rain them in. Are we abnormal? No, we are normal for US. The guy down the road that seems normal could be doing abnormal things we dont know about. Those bullies in school - were they normal? Well bullying isnt normal behaviour and they needed guidance that they never seem to get.

I hope I've made sense.

You are a likable person, many are not.

TonyWK

Re: Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Tue, 07 May 2024 16:55:36 GMT

I think one of the wake up calls was when I was socially having conflicts with one of the school bullies on skype. When it got to the rare situation that he asked me wither I love myself. I thought he was just asking me the question, but looking back it was almost like a spiritual confession gave me the message that it's the moment of saying I deserve better. That was the beginning to realise I wasn't enforced to like anyone and that their was nothing or any obligation to stay friends.

I thank you for saying I am a likeable person, that's how I'm wanted to be received. I hate any controversy or conflicts with anyone. I just also agree about many are not ideal and that's why I like being alone, less conformity, influence and superficial relationships. When I started high school in 2008, I just saw the world was beyond the flaws of my father.

I have been told by my mother I need to believe in myself and by another person. I just generalised the world for the last ten years and mostly I could've been more creative, but I couldn't and wouldn't at the same time. I just have a HSP, gentle and socially introverted nature, easy to be timid and very with the beta nature.

I remember during high school I felt I couldn't look at girls, because other males were knowing why I'm admiring them or if I'm not with a certain status to generically be that way, It wasn't about liking them it was just the way you get when your in those ages and developing. I became a misandrist towards toxic masculinity since kindergarten in the year 2000, after being told to move, when saying no and that he doesn't own the playground, the kid than kicked out my baby front tooth when my head was down playing with the toy truck. I had different bullying during primary school but high school was the worst in comparison.

I don't agree with being Schizophrenic. I just hate that the secular century disregards the reality of spirituality and the Christian Bible. For me I have un wanted connection with others and it's like if your having your private thoughts or digesting your feelings, there's always someone in the back of your conscious. So it's not like you can go home and shut the world away when that's my experience.

It's worse when I believe the generations are with less social humility, that their more materialistic, shallow, superficial and social degenerates that often say if they think anyone's awkward, weird, desperate, insecure or cringe. It's more having to be their age bracket consensus and under a generation and not a individual identity.

Re: Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

white knight — Wed, 08 May 2024 01:57:26 GMT

Just this year I was told I'm likely high functionally autistic. I was a revelation because, after I read the book "the complete quick to Asperger's" it shocked me how I fit into that book!. The social differences with other people, the hermitising, the awkwardness among other and yes even the victimisation from bullies to a lesser extent than yourself. Maybe I see through all of your problems to see the likeable side to you. On that note, I dont want to criticise your mum or dad too much but her comment "...I need to believe in myself and by another person" well she is correct on both counts however- to believe in yourself is extremely hard transition for someone to take, its a long long journey to get from low self esteem to high esteem. To create a healthy ego is problematical, it is virtually a change of character. So the alternative is better- to take the approach that you will continually try to feel confident and gain same from extending your experience in the fields you are good at or have potential but not focus on it too much because some of the changes aren't possible. Besides you dont want to lose some of your character for the price of wearing a mask of which others prefer you to wear. It's nice to hear your mum cares and knows where some problems come from though. Being validated by others is good and normal. Everyone likes compliments, some more than others. When someone gets criticised excessively we need more compliments to equalise it all.

Toxic masculinity is toxic in itself. 47 years ago I worked as a prison officer and saw it first hand by inmate AND other officers. I grew up submissive even though I'm well built and other men saw me as easy prey to boost their egos and dominate. Eventually when I reached 35yo or more I found that fighting back verbally and standing up for myself was the way to peace. It's a pity that a lion heart had to fight like a lion to find that peace. Since then if I know I'm right I wont back down. So I've found that being that defensive that I have to be offensive doesnt mean to include physical violence... that was an achievement for me. But I had my jail experience to fall back on for that, it would be so hard for you not to have had a workplace or other challenges to learn these lessons in a practical sense.

Re: ".. there's always someone in the back of your conscious." thats your low self esteem talking. Doubting yourself and low self esteem are brothers.

Your last sentence intrigued me. I'm 68yo and I had a 88yo woman the other day tell me to "grow up". It was her response to a joke she didnt get. I was ordering a pizza and the girl behind the counter asked me my name and I answered "tootsie" and she laughed. The old lady the told me to grow up. So at any age you'll get that shallowness or rather a response that doesnt fit with the times.

I'm enjoying the chats, repost when you feel comfortable. I'm here daily.

"We are individuals... no one has the same lifestyle so no one can criticise us and if they do they are judging... thats only for judges.."

TonyWK

Re: Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Sat, 11 May 2024 07:56:53 GMT

Wither creative people are autistic or not, their more likely than a person without being a creative personality. We are also less narrow and we are accepting of things outside any norms. We are more emotionally intelligent and we don't have this lack of peace to stir trouble and confront anyone with bullying or even hostility.

I think creative people would make better psychologist's and psychiatrist's. It's just most of the ones are linear in the ways their taught and their go off their rule of thumb too much. One shrink can disagree to the next and yet each will patronise you as being a expert. It's how you can never be mistakenly diagnosed all together with anything, it's just a excuse to say if it wasn't this diagnosis it's these are possible diagnoses. We may agree to disagree but even if their doing their practice. I find they understandably only care primarily about their abundant salaries, their not noble and they don't have the level of heart and honesty that patients deserve. I believe voluntary rights are a illusionary promise. I'm not happy with having a diagnosis of psychosis or schizophrenia. I'm never out of reality or distorted and I don't hear anything.

The thing that bothers me with society. I think their too materialistic today. Their too selectively favouritistic when they want to be, socially superficial, toxically optimistic not to be told negative issues. Subjectively shallow. They laugh off unpopular things in general as being weird or crazy. If you believe in any supernatural wither God, Aliens, The Bible, Paranormal or have Conservative politics your hated by anyone outside the rural south of America. Especially this century telling you with their one way consensus. It's a world of conformity in many ways beyond needing wages to live off.

Re: Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Sat, 11 May 2024 09:07:50 GMT

I don't like certain traits with Australian masculinity. I don't like existing in a multicultural century. It's too much clashing with diverse chemistry, values and if you want to be the heritage or the history of when Australia embodied richer culture and social abbreviations when it was segregated with just itself. In my opinion Australia is not a good place for creative mentalities compared to the British & the American's. Australia doesn't recognise their talent. It's amazing we had bands like INXS, The Living End, AC/DC, Mid Night Oil & Crowded House in our nostalgic arsenal.

Re: Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Sat, 11 May 2024 11:38:23 GMT

Just the last thing I felt like telling you White Knight - TonyWK. It's just how I feel decency is marginalised in any society or community and degeneracy is more usual or wither it's too often the feeling that any experience you go through or whatever intelligence you feel you have learnt, certain people make you feel mental or that your generalising so you demean yourself and feel only a doctor can hold factual beliefs.

I have always had a boy's heart and not a man's, I don't possess any generic dysfunctional traits and men are usually too dominant wither it's their physical strength, social, mental and emotional aspects. I understand actions speak louder than words and you have to have results to feel better with yourself and to keep society from judging you or to actually respect you. I just became aware of it all since kindergarten and when I was suffering through high school. I feel un attracted to myself because I know women want a man of success, ideal financials. It's just the feeling that I can't protect anyone else or myself. I'm vintage because I like the idea of defending myself to the point of not caring or else I accept being mistreated because the world instills it's wrong to be cruel and since I believe in the concept of salvation and religion. I wouldn't want jail too. I'm not that way I just feel if I'm always beneath most people do I really care about having a future, that's what I think on and off.

I have came to the conclusion that the average person is winning over me financially, socially, emotionally and mentally, also physically with men. I also think I'm reasonably attractive and I'm not ugly, I just admit to myself that it's not rare for certain men to be better looking, even if their not Paul Walker or a Justin Bieber genetics that women like. I don't say that from a place of low esteem, I just say it out of the way it is.

I get tired of a world where it's too easy to be a victim or have people feel sorry for you, a world where people admit tragedies but they don't care when their contributing to them. A world when people pass away that their mourning them just because they can't have them anymore. A world where attractive people are cared about more and with how their treated or when men want them back alive for the wrong reasons. Where I'm the rarity that has a second thought about others that wouldn't cross anyone's mind with me. If I'm in a shopping complex and see a spillage I move the hazard thing over it's way or alert someone since their inconsiderate or un observant to notice themselves.

I hate being beneath psychiatry because to the opinion of many it puts you in a second class position or under a handicapped stigma and wither society or the shrinks see us with disdain. It's how we get defined with limited our capabilities or how we can be in vulnerable positions to be invalidated, generalised and have authority against our wishes which becomes our tyranny circumstances.

Re: Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

white knight — Sat, 11 May 2024 15:11:17 GMT

Realistically, humans are mostly, selfish, materialistic, vulnerable, easily brainwashed or gullible. We are left with the minority to find companionship. Of those we have to find compatibility, attraction and like mindedness. A tough ask.

But life is life democracy, it's not perfect and the alternative is worse.

I see psychiatry like that. What is the alternative? If there isn't one then we should run with it but seek the one that is concerned, genuine etc. Keep going till we find them.

At the end of the day it's the correct medication we seek... all their words or lack of them is something to bare for that process...

TonyWK

Re: Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

Atomic_Wolf_Boy — Sat, 11 May 2024 16:58:57 GMT

Very simple and true. A lot of the things I say in those posts might be generalising. It's a hard world to have confidence, not just socially but with pursuing identity or disagreeing in general.

I honestly feel I have so much creativity, with at least song writing and possibly comedic abilities. I wouldn't perform at all. I have accepted I will always have a nature that won't allow me to have that acquired confidence, even when alone. It's hard too when I identify with the older gen creativity and ways and how it's all becoming like the dinosaurs and it's done different now. I just have always had a misandrist belief that too many are dominating in a way that I can't be myself or where I'm left feeling that I'm weak which feels emasculating, but that's more my own perspective, it isn't a real encounter with masculinity.

Even if everyone has their battles, it's a worse feeling if your in a position like myne where you have spiritual realities and feel many know about you or wither your made to feel your not in a great position, sadly it's only seen psychosis. The mere fact is there's no way of making the world have relatable experiences to define against their linear notion of physics. I believe in God too much and the mainstream is dead with common qualities, their so deep in their atheist generic approach that I'm on my own. I don't even want people thinking this is about politics. It's being Australian with a southern U.S. spirit. I don't want to live in America, I just am always a rarity with any person or situation.

Re: Too peculiar, special, unique, rare to be happy / Ruined by humanity.

white knight — Sat, 11 May 2024 17:23:58 GMT

So AWB,

The topic on this thread you started is about not being able to tolerate injustice. I have some comments on that.

As you might know I have worked my working life as a warder, dog ranger and PI and other quasi law enforcement jobs. I also had distinctive anxiety when younger and was even nicknamed "the worrier" when 12yo by a teacher. So this all came to a head around 1987 at a council that I worked for. Part of my job as a dog ranger was to issue parking fines, a very unpleasant task and it was at a semi regional small town. I got a complaint about a car parked in a disabled zone all day so disabled drivers couldnt use that spot. I attended and issues a small $12 fine. The next day I did the same. Then my boss called me in- "from now on dont issue fines on that car". I asked why not - "he is a mate of the councillors". I was outraged as unemployed and pensioners had to pay their fines, why not this guy?

So the next day I attended again and noticed the car, a large white one had a State Government sticker on it, I realised it was owned by a local politician. I also noticed that my boss was watching from up the hill. He was waiting to see if I was going to obey him. I decided I would not- I issued another fine. The next day another. 4 in total only $48 dollars.

The day after I had a massive argument with my boss about the topic. Clearly my principles differed to his and his bosses the town clerk etc. Right then I got a massive panic attack (originally told it was a heart attack) and went to the doctor who happened to be an anti council person for other reasons and fully understood. I went off work for 10 months. During the 10 months off media got hold of it and ran stories. It was full on for some months. Eventually I was sacked even though I had all the evidence to support my stance. A common "kangaroo court".

During those 10 months I went to therapy once a week. Initially I didnt think I needed to learn anything- I was wrong. I learned to get things into perspective because although it was admirable to make a moral stance that determination cost me my health, caused much worry for my wife and family and put a spot light on me that was unwelcomed. I was also taught how to object in different ways for example I could have suggested my boss cover that street and I do the others. I could have walked that street and not issued any fines at all, like window shopping lol. Instead after many years carrying out similar duties I reacted heavily as it was the first time someone tried to corrupt me.

So the main things that I changed were-

Get things into perspective
List things into priority
Communicate better
Worry about only those things that one has the capacity to change
Accept that humans are shades of grey and morals differ between us all

Many years later - 2009 was diagnosed with bipolar and this year told high functioning aspergers. So put that into the equations back in 1987 and it all makes sense-

Over reaction
Dwelling
Willing to pay high price for a small matter
Easy hurt by infringing on my pride

Of course "they" had poor morals, willing to dictate for the sake of a politicians lack of consideration for disabled people, didnt make suggestions as to alternative duties and so on, but I wasnt concerned about all that as I had my own decisions to make.

So my message about all that is- this world is far from perfect, the professionals yes- psychs also, have limitations and often these professionals cannot relate/communicate with non professionals. But if we need them then it is better to use them for our advantage and not focus on their lack of abilities.

The attendant at the Centrelink office cant relate to us as they have a comfortable job with regular salary but we need to utilise them to receive benefits. Same deal. That they dont relate isnt a concern... its that they sign off on their computer that benefits should continue, thats our goal...

TonyWK