topic Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Mon, 08 Jan 2024 14:06:31 GMT

Hi,

im trying to breathe calmly right now. I’m already going through a very difficult time with severe chronic pain for the last 4 years, and recently being forced o rely on certain family members I tried to get away from.

I found out half an hour ago from my older cousin that my eldest brother told him (when they were about 17) that my other brother (then 15) had molested one of us girls.

Tonight my cousin asked if it was me. I was shocked because I didn’t know this happened at all. I struggled greatly living at home with my brother (accused of molesting my sister) as he has Scizophrenia and the sick, psychotic nature of his illness was always my problem. My other sister moved out and got pregnant young. My oldest brother left at 17, and I was trying to study/work and hopefully do law but the environment was so unhealthy I didn’t do well. My parents always worked. They were never home…always using money to compensate for them not being there. I put a lock on my own door to protect myself.

but my anger now comes from finding out that my brother at 17 and onwards… never tried to protect me or my sister. He also found out dad was having an affair and didn’t tell Mum because Dad said it would ruin the business/money that my Brother no doubt benefited from. He is still the golden child.

Im suicidal to the point I have a plan. I feel sick with the blood that runs through my veins. I have been suicidal for over a year due to physical pain. Now, the year long triggers regarding my mother, father, brothers….makes me feel constantly worthless. No amount of mirror work, meditation, journaling helps now, because I’m stuck being supported by the only people that make me feel that way.

I can’t manage on my own. Even with community support, it’s not enough. My life is physical hell and I’m physically stuck in it. It’s a special kind of torture.

Hi Serenity22, Thank you having the bravery to share su...

Sophie_M — Tue, 09 Jan 2024 01:01:29 GMT

Hi Serenity22,

Thank you having the bravery to share such a difficult experience that you've been through. We can imagine how hard it is to hear this information particularly regarding a family member, please know that you are not alone and the community is always here for you.

It's understandable you feel a range of emotions after hearing such shocking news, please know that however you feel is valid and it's important to give yourself the time and space to process however you can. We wanted to provide you with some options for additional support. For counselling and information for anyone affected by family and sexual violence, we’d recommend reaching out to our friends at 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or online: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ They will be able to provide a safe space to share your experiences and offer any support you may need, and they can also connect you with local agencies for practical support, if that’s helpful.

We wanted to also let you know that is something you could discuss with the counsellors here at Beyond Blue, whether on the phone (1300 22 4636) or via webchat. A few more options are Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. We hear that you've had thoughts of suicide, if you're feeling like you may be unable to keep yourself from acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, it's important to get some help. If you have a treating team, contact them. If you’re not sure who to call, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. If there is an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please call 000.

Thank you again for sharing here. We're so sorry this has happened, but we're glad you could share here.

Kind Regards,

Sophie M

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Eagle Ray — Tue, 09 Jan 2024 04:56:53 GMT

Dear Serenity22,

You are no doubt in shock right now and you were already at the point of overload when you received this news, so it is no wonder you feel overwhelmed. I've only just read this and immediately wanted to respond as a few weeks ago I also had a plan, several times, and was fighting with myself to keep going basically. I really want to let you know that no matter how awful it feels right now, things always shift and change. You are just at a very high level of activation right now which is really understandable.

At my worst I found The Suicide Callback Service really helpful. I'd had very good experiences with Lifeline in the past but called them during the most recent difficulty and it wasn't too helpful at all. I ended the call, took a few breaths, then called Suicide Callback Service. They really re-grounded me and I was more able to cope and feel resourced within myself afterwards. Co-regulating with another human is really a powerful tool when you are in a desperate state. It can de-escalate where your nervous system is at and help you to feel safer. Even if it just brings you down a few notches in terms of intensity, that is so much better than being at the far end of desperate. My experience has been that it helps to just persist until you find that human who can be there for you. I almost cry now thinking about the people who helped me because of the level of desperation I was at and the difference it made.

No doubt you are experiencing strong feelings of betrayal right now. Betrayal by a family member is one of the most painful things. But it is something that you can gradually process and come to terms with in time. I really feel for you so much and we here at the Beyond Blue forum care and want you to be ok.

I read on your other post how you always present ok externally to others and give the appearance of coping, not wanting to give out less than positive energy to others. I have done the same thing chronically my whole life. But there are times it's ok to say I am really not ok right now, especially in places and with people where there is most likely to be support. That's why it is great you've reached out here and there are all of the options that Sophie mentions.

Feel free to continue communicating if it helps. No matter how bad it feels, things do de-escalate in time and you just have so much you are trying to grasp and process right now. I can tell you are a very intuitive, wise and intelligent person and, most importantly, a worthy person.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Tue, 09 Jan 2024 07:59:10 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray,

thank you again for replying. I think I am in shock even more so now than yesterday. I have written down those numbers suggested by Sophie and will use them.

I definitely present well when people visit because I like the interaction to be positive. I also am honest, and cry if the discussion goes that way but I do want to keep my friendships as an escape.

11 months ago my physical pain was not being managed and I’d just undergone a 3rd surgery that turned me immobile, and I was very suicidal purely from pain. I contacted all of my close friends and family, and even reached out to old boyfriends. I was ready to end my life at that point and over 5 weeks, these people visited me so I could update them on my situation and I let them know I don’t think I can hang on much longer. It was me saying my goodbyes. So, I will let people see me at my worst if I think it is helpful to ether of us. Once that month passed, I no longer talk about suicide with them.

I’m shocked that I’m now having suicidal thoughts separate from the physical pain. That said, if I didn’t have the physical issues, I wouldn’t need to face my family on a daily basis. So..it does circle back to that.

I’m glad that I’ve got a place here to speak openly without worrying about hurting people.

xxx thank you ER

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

smallwolf — Tue, 09 Jan 2024 11:53:13 GMT

hello,

I understand this is an incredibly difficult time for you, especially now learning disturbing information about what happened in your family. And you mentioned feeling suicidal... an immense burden to bear. As cliche as it sounds, I want you to know you have value and there are people who care about you. You deserve to be treated with dignity and compassion.

The family situation you wrote about sounds very complex and painful. While you can't change your relatives, you can control how you respond.

What sort of things bring you a sense of peace, comfort or meaning?

This painful chapter will not last forever. With support, you can get to a better place, even if it's hard to see right now. There are people ready to listen without judgement and help you through this. Peace and strength to you. Listening if you want to chat some more...

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Eagle Ray — Tue, 09 Jan 2024 14:50:12 GMT

Dear Serenity22,

I understand what you are saying, the suicidality from the physical pain, and then the suicidality that is now coming from issues beyond that. I can see how it is challenging in relation to your family. I'm glad you had those people following the surgery from 11 months ago. Yes, let people know if you are at risk. My psychologist always gets me to feel into things which I find really helpful. So feel into or sense those people you feel most comfortable being vulnerable with. I can tell you are very intuitive.

In my experience the suicidality is really a desire to end suffering and overwhelm rather than life itself. I went through it with pain in 2005-2007. Then more recently it was partly circumstantial (grief and trauma) and partly health-related but driven strongly by hormonal issues in particular. I found there were ways through with both, even though for a time I desperately wanted out. And I am so glad now I hung in there. There will be paths out of where you are at also. Your life is absolutely worth holding onto and as awful as everything feels right now things will cycle back out of how horrible it is, even though that may be hard to see right now.

I am happy to talk with you and it doesn't hurt me. I know what it feels like. I know you need some good support and in time supports will come into place. After some questing I found a good psychologist. I came here to the BB forum. I also did a course last year with some excellent people who were the most healing people to be around. So just want to encourage you that you can find supports. I have found just remembering your spirit and staying connected to that can help pull you through.

We are listening to you and here for you.

Take care xxx

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Tue, 09 Jan 2024 15:07:09 GMT

Small wolf,

That was a nice reply. I appreciate your easygoing writing style. You’re sensitive but don’t make it heavier than it needs to be.

Sadly, I don’t have an answer to your question, “What sort of things bring you a sense of peace, comfort or meaning?”. Due to medical negligence surgery 6 years ago, and subsequent surgeries making things worse…I’m in a very difficult position physically. They can’t undo what has been done. My life revolves around managing pain. I haven’t felt peace or comfort in almost 3 years, now. That’s when I had to leave my job and social activities altogether (the pain became unbearable)

I must’ve read that line 5 times when you said I have value. Thank you for saying that. Xoxo

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Wed, 10 Jan 2024 01:55:15 GMT

Thank you, ER.

I do hope something improves with my health this year.

I don’t have the same hope that others do, simply due to the time that has lapsed since the chronic pain started and didn’t stop (3 years ago), and I have gotten worse, since then. A lot worse. I think I have mentioned the surgery I had 2 years ago on my foot was to correct issues from a botched procedure 6 years ago.

I didnt have foot pain at the time, but every specialist I saw suggested I clean up the scar tissue and bone and maybe I was walking to compensate and correcting that would help my hip pain. Worst mistake of my life.

It resulted in permanent tendon rupture, a failed repair, and now permanent calf pain that is at an 8 without meds. I already had hip pain often at a level 7-9 for over a year leading up to the foot surgery.

Since the joint has now been removed and fused, I can no longer wear shoes, apart from these plastic slide on ones with special socks. Every step is mentally challenging. As well as the hip pain, I explain the foot pain as more a head f#*. Imagine someone twisting your arm behind your back the whole time. It’s not technically painful but it’s not ok. But my think ppl can’t see so they assume I can do tasks if I’m sitting down. But it’s not like that.

Before the fusion, I could still walk and get around and wear shoes, I was even dating and going to the beach. I could go out dancing, wear shoes.. even a little high heal.. I never dreamt I’d get worse.

so, when ppl say it will get better….that has been the opposite in my case so many times. I don’t believe in positive thinking anymore. I believe in science, in rational observing a situation. If I had my hopes up after each surgery they tried to fix it (7 in total), I’d only feel worse. That said, I don’t have a negative mindset. I just know that there’s things outside of my control and they have not gone my way, sadly.

im having hardware removed at he fusion site in 2 weeks. The excitement of others that this will help is difficult for me , because it’s the same excitement people had every time something made it worse. I try to manage people’s expectations because it’s exhausting for me to disappoint them.

Only time will tell with my physical health. There’s a lot riding on this year because I’ve tired all that’s available, and I need some respite soon for me to keep going.

By the end of the year, I’ll know what the new status up will be. I have 2 more radio frequency procedures to burn the nerve endings at my hip. Also, prp injections.

I’ll try and get my pain team to look at my minor Posa’s which I believe is the real cause of my hip pain. A private physio has finally listened to me but I need the pain team to get on Board, too.

So that’s my 2024…you really understand me, so much as suicidality isn’t a wish to die but to end suffering. So am hanging on as long as I can. Xoxoxo and doing things in the hope something improves. I don’t know it’s possible, yet.

You are very strong. And a very good listener.
xoxo

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Eagle Ray — Wed, 10 Jan 2024 06:45:47 GMT

Dear Serenity22,

I just had a bit of a cry reading your post. I can understand the challenge of hoping for improvement when other procedures have worsened things.

Some of the therapies that have helped me are a bit out of the box. They were ones that worked on the nervous system as a whole rather than the site of pain. In my case it was a bladder condition called interstitial cystitis or painful bladder syndrome that causes constant, extreme bladder pain and urinary frequency. The pain was by far the worst symptom for me and persisted at a severe level for 3 years before gradually improving.

One of the things that helped was something called Bowen Therapy that works on gently calming the nervous system via subtle movements to the fascia. As the fascia receive these movements they send messages to the parasympathetic nervous system to switch on which in chronic pain is often switched off by relentless sympathetic (fight-or-flight) nervous system activity. I got my first decent sleep in a long time following this therapy. Each practitioner may do it a little differently. Another similar therapy I’ve done is the John Barnes Myofascial Release method which again works intuitively with the fascia to release pain holding structures and the persistent nervous system overdrive.

A lot of my pain was neuropathic-type pain and I don’t know how much of what you’re experiencing is coming from neuropathic processes and how much the main locality of the pain itself. It’s a complex process and I found I had to come at it from a few angles.

I’m guessing you are on some pretty strong pain meds. I am just wondering if a whole nervous system approach may be helpful. For me these approaches gave better relief than the ones specific to my bladder which, like in your case, made things worse. It was like my brain gradually learned to process pain differently. With chronic pain the same neural pathways are being activated over and over again. There is the original site of pain and then you often have an ongoing amplified brain response as well. For me gradually switching off the brain amplification of pain by kind of neuroplastically restructuring my brain patterns was a key part of beginning to recover.

I am hoping you have a good pain specialist, someone who really gets pain. Sometimes doctors doing surgery see a mechanical problem to fix in the body rather than looking at the whole organic interactivity within the body from a holistic perspective. They are so focussed on correcting a specific issue but not always taking all of the interconnections within the brain and nervous system into account.

I’ve looked into a lot of stuff to do with the vagus nerve as well. It is the nerve which connects the brain to the gut and all our other visceral organs along the way. It functions properly when our parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest) is working and acts as a brake on the sympathetic fight-or-flight response. I know they are looking at the vagus nerve more and more now in relation to pain including forms of vagal stimulation. Some of this is more invasive (e.g. surgically implanted devices) but there is quite a lot that can help bring vagal function online non-surgically. Peter Levine talks about some of these approaches, the most simple being chanting a low vooo sound which stimulates the vagus nerve. It’s such a simple thing but I’ve used it in relation to pain and trauma/distress and it has helped.

Jist trying to think of some ideas for you. I understand about positive thinking. I have an aversion to toxic positivity which is all about thinking positive to solve everything and I’ve found that often fails when it comes to both severe pain and trauma. I’ve found I have to allow and acknowledge the pain otherwise I’m just trying to relentlessly defy it which only feeds it making it worse.

Not sure if that’s any help, but wanting to send you care and support,

Eagle Ray xx

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Wed, 10 Jan 2024 14:38:30 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray,

Once again, I’m really thankful to you for supporting me on this forum (so to speak).

I enjoyed reading your reply. It’s strange, because where other people may trigger me, you never do. That in itself is relieving. My new (private) physio does fascial release and craniosacral therapy which I find useful. We never work on my hip where the pain is. I’ve visited many other alternative type therapies..somatic release, different kinds of massage. Until I’d met my new physio, Kate…everyone made my pain worse.

I have to give a bit more back story for this next bit: when I went to Emergency in Mach 2023 (because I hadn’t slept 3 nights due to pain)..they approached my case by first asking who my surgeon was that had just done the fusion. Instead of asking me what my symptoms were, they phoned him. Now, by this time I had already seen a private pain specialist who’d known me for a year…(before the foot surgeries mucked me up). I’d seen him because the surgeon who did the fusion said I had CRPS. Mind you, the surgeon hadn’t seen me since the surgery and his receptionist was the one who told me I had that! I knew I didn’t have it because my symptoms were the opposite. My Aunty said I didn’t, too. She’d had it, before. Another surgeon (a professor) had seen me the week prior, too and said I didn’t have it (in his notes). It was clear that the fusion surgeon was trying to distance himself from the situation. Later, when I read his correspondence, he lied about things I’d said, in doing so…excusing him of why he wasn’t removing the hardware.

Anyway, they treated my nervous system in hospital, as you suggested. This being based on their discussion with my surgeon and the fact I didn’t have a clear cut reason on an MRI for the extreme pain I had. Apparently, the ortho surgeon and my fusion guy “were mates”. During my stay, I actually had scans done specifically to test for CRPS, and they came back saying “there are no abnormalities to suggest CRPS”. I didn’t see this report until I was being wheeled out upon discharge after a 5 week stay. This was a public hospital.

I got out and I immediately saw my private pain specialist, who had by now received my discharge summary. He was even angrier than me… because he had examined me before hospital and told Dr Fusion I didn’t have it, but the surgeon conveniently left that out of his correspondence to the hospital. DrB (my private pain guy) told me how dangerous it was for Dr Fusion to diagnosis me with that. It’s a completely different nervous system altogether. DrB said it’s definitely not CRPS. it’s mechanical.

It’s taken almost a year now to have CRPS removed from all of my diagnosis chart.

Someone with CRPS May experience heightened pain but I’m the opposite. I barely register new pain, because I’m already maxed out. I can watch needles going in and out of my arm. I can stuff my toes into plastic separators. A person with heightened pain like CRPS can’t do that.

I feel confident I can control my nervous system myself, using certain mind techniques, visualisation etc. I HAVE been telling them for a year that the hardware needs to come out. And In July, my foot was sometimes black, it was clear there was no circulation getting there, and the more I used it..the more purple and black it became. So…I took photos. Which gave me ammunition. My private pain guy and my public pain guy are finally communicating. DrB told me never to go back to that surgeon again. Needless to say, a different surgeon will be removing the hardware. The first person I saw out of hospital was a consultant psychiatrist. When I explained things to him, he said I don’t have CRPS. He suggested I don’t come back to the public pain team at all (where he worked haha)

The hip pain is relieved when I see my new physio. I finally found someone to listen. I have been saying for 3 years that the pain stems from higher up. When Kate worked on releasing that muscle, I cried with relief that someone put their finger on the pulse. That point deep behind my diaphragm when pressed hard turned the volume up in the exact pain locations in my body…in my hips, calf. So, now I need to try and get my public pain guy to see that, too. They call it the primary contributing factor.

That said, im not dismissing your advice by any means, at all. I loved reading it. xoxo

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Eagle Ray — Thu, 11 Jan 2024 05:49:17 GMT

Hi Serenity22,

That makes total sense. A wrong diagnosis of something like CRPS can lead to wrong assumptions and treatment outcomes. I’m so glad you have Kate who has helped you and seems to be much more attuned with what’s going on in your body. I really hope the removal of the hardware helps and you can start experiencing a therapeutic recovery with those treatments that help most.

It can be such an exhausting process can’t it. It’s like you have to be your own advocate and be really aware of how medical people are perceiving and treating your condition. Surgeons may have the technical skills to perform surgery but not always adequate insight into the whole picture of what is going on. My mum went through four knee replacement operations. The first two were disasters and the surgeon not perceptive at all about what was happening before surgery or appropriate post-surgery therapies. The next surgeon was much better, listened to my mum and the results were much better. Mum also took the type of therapy post-surgery more into her own hands, so to speak, rather than following protocols from the previous surgeries that much worsened scar tissue. She recovered much better as a result.

So I really hope things start turning around for you. It seems to be a gradual step-by-step thing with pain. In my case I did not have CRPS and it wasn’t what I was thinking of in relation to the nervous system and pain. But I have heard of it and I remember it being discussed at seminars I went to on chronic pain when I was looking for answers myself.

I would say hang onto Kate, she sounds awesome! Trusting what your body responds well to is so important. Another thing that helped me after I had investigative surgeries for my pain in 2005 was time with animals. After the second surgery there was a cat that started visiting. I would pat her and I could feel some of my pain de-escalate. It didn’t get rid of it but it somehow became more bearable. My friend who suffered a serious workplace accident found similar help from three stray cats she adopted. One in particular would lie across her neck and shoulder where the injury was and purr and she said it really helped to break up scar tissue over time and increase movement in that area. Sometimes I think animals are more attuned to us than some other humans are!

Feel free to keep posting here if it helps to do so. Sometimes having people to update your situation to can help, so you don’t feel like you are in a void struggling alone. I really wish for you the beginning of healing. Sometimes it’s just finding that turning point where the healing starts to happen.

Sending you much care and support,

Eagle Ray xoxo

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Thu, 11 Jan 2024 11:47:06 GMT

Thank you so much ❤️

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

smallwolf — Sat, 13 Jan 2024 00:25:46 GMT

I'm sorry to hear you've been suffering with chronic pain for so long. Your physical and emotional pain is valid and real, even though it may not always be visible to others.

In relation to value and worth, your story can be an education for others if nothing else. Also, I sincerely hope you are able to find moments of relief, comfort and meaning, even small ones, in the midst of this difficult season of life. Please don't give up hope that better days are ahead.

If I may ask ... what sort of things brought you joy before? And how do you spend your days now? I am curious and listening... (and please don't feel you have to answer the questions.)

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Sat, 13 Jan 2024 02:02:58 GMT

Hi Small Wolf,

Thank you for your message. I actually look forward to replying. I’m going to take a “day off” and just zone out with some great tv today. But I liked that you asked! X

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Sat, 13 Jan 2024 12:03:09 GMT

Hi Small Wolf

I agree with the words you spoke in your reply.

You most definitely can ask. I used to love going to the beach. I loved walking wherever the path would take me…I have favourite spots and I used to drive there…and walk amongst the lake, the trees. The mix of kinetic energy/movement and nature jive with me. I’ve been that way since I was 13 years old. Years ago I enjoyed Muay Thai, but not anymore. I loved going to the movies. I loved getting ready, doing my makeup and hair. The ritual is something I still do even when I’m home alone. I do have certain mirrors in my house covered with famous art prints. I don’t like catching my reflection often. The pain shows on my face, and I do what I can to change that but it’s hard for me. I’ve always taken pride in my appearance. And through no fault of my own, I can look really bad some days…unrecognisable. When I can afford it, I have a Dr Give me medication. The tension relief it gives me takes away that “pained look”. It’s funny, because I will then get comments like…. Oh…you’re looking so much better! (Even though I’m in more pain, and more immobile)..the perception that if you look well, you feel well, is a recurring theme for me.

My days now are mostly tv based. 3 or 4 days out of the week, my mum visits to help with: taking me to appts, doing a food shop, picking up medication from several places (not because I dr shop, but because some of my scripts are held at the public hospital). 2 months ago I bought a wheelchair with the aim to get to the pool and last week I did..for the 1st time in 1.5 years. I lean on the arm rests and let the chair take my weight as I walk. It’s not enjoyable, but moving is something I do to minimise the pain worsening in general.

I spend time doing my life admin, like keeping track of appts (I average 9 a month), finances, Dr correspondence, correcting the errors of Medical staff, which happens a lot.also making sure I have food and what I need while I have Mum helping. Keeping track of and ordering medications takes focus and energy. Due to the pain, you’d be surprised how busy I am.

I move around the house as much as I can, and keep it clean. At night, when hits dark…I try and walk…it’s usually only 10 min. I only go when it’s dark because it’s difficult, and I like to feel as invisible and relaxed as possible.

I also research and collect information of things I feel will help me. It was Drs and surgeons who have created this problem for me…and it’s always been me to make improvements. Sadly, in the past I’ve not been believed…and there is a history of medical negligence so I feel like I treat my health as my full time job to make improvements. Nobody will do it for me.

Sometimes I do Tarot. Just my own, but I have taught myself how to interpret the cards. Pain permitting, I mediate and if inspired to. I interchange that with visualisation or astral travel techniques. I’ve always felt spiritually protected and that’s often my salvation.

I may have a visitor once a week, or more, or less.

Thanks for asking. And for listening x it means a lot!

Serenity22

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

smallwolf — Sun, 14 Jan 2024 12:37:32 GMT

hello again...

So many things to reply to, so forgive me if I just go in point form;

I see from your reply, and thank you for the long reply 🙂 and
sounds like you are trying to be proactive in doing things for yourself like walking and research.
It also sounds like your mum is helpful as well and you giving you the support you need in the week.
While I cannot fully comprehend what it is like for you with the pain, I do understand the part where you said that people think things are ok because the pain is not visible. Sucks!
It seems you used to be a very active person and independent person. And whatever happened with the surgeries knocked this for a 6 and totally changed how you had/have had to deal with life... sadness, anger, frustration, and unknowing...?

To end, and this next little bit might sound bad, from what I hear from you is a life of existence and not being allowed to have fun, or that is interrupted by pain. And I wonder what it would take to make things a little better for you?

Again, please don't feel you have to answer my question(s) but my heart goes out to you. Still listening ....

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Sun, 14 Jan 2024 14:04:12 GMT

Hello again. I dig point form.

im with you on wondering what it would take for things to improve
I know I am doing everything humanly and spiritually possible.
its going to go one way or another…it has to either improve, or I will have to end my suffering
but….I am not saying that lightly.
my mindset is positive. I believe i can crate miracles for myself even if I don’t. But I also don’t put any pressure on myself to create one. That intensity isn’t good for pain
tenacious and calm is an unlikely mix but thats what it takes
I have to wait and see what happens as a result from the surgery to remove the hardware in my foot, on the 23rd. To see if it helps.

I will know by the end of the year if I can improve things to a point I can deal with the pain. Maybe even sooner.

I realise my journey is a very solo one. A spiritual one. You’re right..I’m just existing. Your nick name “Small wolf”…..I wonder if perhaps you understand the solo journey feeling? I could be wrong. Is there another meaning behind choosing Small Wolf? Wolves are often portrayed as lone creatures.

Thank you for offering your ear. I really do like the conversations.

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

smallwolf — Mon, 15 Jan 2024 12:34:01 GMT

So... I am back again...

I'm glad we can have an open dialogue about this difficult situation. It's clear you're dealing with immense physical and emotional suffering, yet maintaining a tenacious and optimistic spirit - some of those are your words.

Though the path forward remains uncertain, I admire your balanced approach - remaining hopeful while also pragmatic if the pain becomes unbearable. I hope that everything works out with the surgery later this month. I have my fingers crossed for you.

Regardless, know that you have tremendous inner strength and courage. Keep being gentle with yourself through this challenging process. There are still possibilities ahead, even if the road is rocky.

On my name ... you are fairly close if not spot on.

I used that name when I played MMOs back in the day and it still applies now. I played mostly alone then (I lagged behind because I came from the opposite side of the world and group play due to time zone differences was difficult, hence the "small" and "wolf" for the loner part.
Due to things in my past, I have that small feeling still and my path in my own and unique.
While I might feel different (?) to others (not quite belonging), I feel I belong here in the space called the forums on beyond blue - a place where I can be just be ME.

Your turn ...

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Serenity22 — Sat, 20 Jan 2024 10:36:17 GMT

Hey SW,

Sorry it’s taken a while to reply. I did enjoy yours, though! I just haven’t had much to share! Let’s see….what have I been up to…

lately I’ve been meditating everyday. Attempting to incorporate some astral travel. The idea came to me after watching a Netflix series…and my mother told me that its something my Grandpapa used to to. He was a man’s man. A drinker. He made things with his hands. So it’s surprising to imagine that. I figured I may find pain relief if that’s something I could incorporate into my life.
I did have to google MMO, and while I don’t have experience in those type of games, I can see the appeal. I loved my SEGA back when I was a kid. Not the same, I know…but sort of 🙂
Today, being the weekend, a lovely beach weather in Perth it shines a light on the limitations I now have, so I felt like reaching out to someone who understood.
on that note, I don’t really know your story, so I will take a look at your profile and see if I can understand you better. In the event you felt like sharing what brought you to these forums, I’d be interested to know.

Serenity

Re: I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

Fiatlux — Sun, 21 Jan 2024 02:00:00 GMT

Hi Serenity,

I have just come across your post. I hope that you are doing well.

This happened a lot in families. Don’t be to hard on your brother, he was just a kid as well.

In my case, both my parents knew we had a child molester in our family but they never protected us from him or did anything to stop him, ever. My mother admitted that she knew that this man was evil and she said that she did her best to keep us away from him. But it was my Dad who did nothing as it was on Dad’s side of the family. This evil person molested every child he could.

Take care of yourself and reach out for help when you need it. Fiatlux 🙏🏼