topic Re: What is wrong with my life? in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

What is wrong with my life?

k0d3s — Mon, 09 Oct 2023 08:03:39 GMT

On October 7th at 7:43pm I recieved a message saying that my mate is in hospital and there is a very slim chance for him to live. Today on October the 9th at 10:42am i recieved a message saying he had passed away early this morning. I was in class at this time and I kept it all to myself until 1:50pm where i broke down at school. I couldn't keep it in me no more, i have been hurting so much these last few weeks. First it was my mate who killed himself, then a family friend who passed throughout the night, then i found out my ex was cheating on me and now this. All i have done is try and make as many people as i can happy whilst hurting myself on the inside. I have basically killed all my emotions, i try my hardest to care for as many people as i can because i cant lose another or next it will be me. I try my best to make sure everyone is ok and doing well whilst im over here dying and keeping it to myself because thats how i grew up and thats what i was taught to do. I dont know how much more i can hurt myself before it completely drains me.

Re: What is wrong with my life?

white knight — Mon, 09 Oct 2023 16:31:36 GMT

Hi, welcome

I'm 67yo so forgive me if I'm too old to reply. But I hope to make a difference.

My ex wife, the only thing she ever said to me that was accurate was "Tony, when you accept that death is part of life you'll live much happier". Easier said than done but she was right.

However, every now and then about twice in our lives for a short time it all happens at once. It happened 2 years ago for my wife and I, both her parents and step dad all within 6 months. Then this year, my wifes lovely nephew from suicide and my best friend. However, being much older and with that saying my ex left me with, I coped much better. I remained here answering peoples posts etc.

So it is easy to fall into the mode of "So whats wrong with my life" when in fact all is normal, people pass away, it isnt you. And the fact that several happens in a short time does make it hard to cope, to understand and accept, but... this is, sadly, life.

What I would suggest is that you continue to focus on helping and supporting other people. Also, move on from the cheaters in your life, the sooner the better, you deserve more. Every moment you think about how you were betrayed is a moment taken up in your mind that is negative and damaging. Turfing these people that are nasty characters into the rubbish bin can best happen regularly at the same time introducing others that deserve you, into your life. Dont waste a moment to find another guy.

I respect you. You have feelings for others and you hurt easily. You are sensitive and loving. Make sure you protect yourself from those that hurt you, be reserved and observe others closely.

Life, its hard, its annoying and its challenging, but it is far more beautiful than words can express.

LITTLE FEATHER

Little feather left and right

As you fall slowly in the night

Coming from a nest above

A bed of twigs and a world of love

Down it falls on the ground

A gust of wind to toss it around

Then as the sun rose to dry it out

The lighter it was to get out and about

Then along came a bird full of love

To take little feather to her nest above

Where little feather was put in a nest

To warm the heart where baby bird rests…

TonyWK

Re: What is wrong with my life?

therising — Mon, 09 Oct 2023 20:58:23 GMT

Hi k0d3s

That's so much pain for one person to be feeling alone. I wish I was there with you so that you could share the pain with me and I would feel it with you as much as I could, just so you wouldn't be sitting in that much pain alone. My heart breaks for you as you face your own heartbreak and the level of exhaustion that can come with loving so much in such incredibly challenging ways.

When I feel someone so brilliant, someone who's a light for others (such as yourself), I always wonder where their source of energy is. A light is always challenged without a source of energy with which to keep it shining so warmly and so brilliantly. While you're a source of joy or relief or love or peace or guidance or all of these things and more, who gives these things to you? I find this question to be challenging for myself at times for sometimes it just doesn't seem like those around me are offering enough of these things. While there might be some joy, some relief, some love, peace and/or guidance, sometimes some or a portion of all that just doesn't feel enough. I think sometimes we have to seek more or ask for more or even demand more on certain occasions. Sometimes it's just not enough to simply sit in pain and wish for more.

I'm wondering if anyone in your life is fully conscious of just how much you are suffering. Do you feel you need to make certain people more conscious? While you could be thinking 'But I'm the person who's meant to make everyone else happy and not lead others to stress', remember every light needs a source, otherwise it becomes exhausted. When a light becomes exhausted, it questions it's own brilliance. This is a time where you need people to begin serving you, recharging you, taking care of you, so that you can come to feel your own warmth and brilliance again, beyond so much pain and suffering. I think while we can be taught in one way or another to not seek help and attention and instead be taught all the ways in aiming to please, sometimes there can be good reason to unlearn certain teachings. ❤️