topic Re: Scared mum of teen in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Scared mum of teen

arcticbutterfly — Tue, 26 Sep 2023 20:47:42 GMT

Not sure if I am allowed here as it is not about me, but my daughter.
she is 13 and has recently plummeted into a deep darkness. She had low points earlier in the year but this time is much worse. She is talking about life not being worth living and she started self harming.

We are seeking professional help but I am at such a loss about how to help her. Hoping to gain some insight here. Thank you!

Hi articbutterfly We can hear you’re going through a dif...

Sophie_M — Tue, 26 Sep 2023 21:08:40 GMT

Hi articbutterfly

We can hear you’re going through a difficult time with your daughter and we want you to know you did the right thing in reaching out for help.

It sounds like you are a really caring and supportive parent, and it sounds like you’ve taken some incredibly important steps, especially in seeking professional help. We wanted to let you know we have replied to you privately and if able, please access your emails so you can read the information we have sent you.

It’s so important, that while caring for your children, you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. Please remember to reach out any time you feel you are struggling, to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach our counsellors via webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/

Your child is, of course, always welcome to contact us too, or there’s our friends at Lifeline offer crisis support, available 24/7 on 13 11 14, or online: https://www.lifeline.org.au/

Please continue to share here, whenever you feel comfortable. You never know how your story might help others who can relate to what you’re going through and we are sure you will get some support from our kind and loving community.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Re: Scared mum of teen

therising — Tue, 26 Sep 2023 23:06:37 GMT

Hi arcticbutterfly

You are such a beautiful mum, loving your daughter so much, enough to explore so many different avenues in the way of helping her through what sounds like the toughest time of her life. She is blessed to have you in her life.

Being a mum to a 20yo gal and 18yo guy, I'd have to say one of the most challenging things to do in life is to feel for our child. It's not just about feeling compassion but also about feeling so deeply that you can almost sense the pain they feel. It was my daughter who once said to me something along the lines of 'I don't always need you to make things right or guide me in the best direction, sometimes I just need you to feel with me, so that I'm not feeling (sensing what's depressing) alone'. I can relate, as I've managed the ins and outs of depression over the last few decades and have wished for the same thing at times (someone who can simply relate to how I'm feeling life at certain times).

While there can be a whole variety of reasons for why we can become depressed, from holding onto certain depressing belief systems or certain ideas that socially degrade us or while there can be purely physical or chemical imbalances that can have depressing side effects, what a lot of people don't talk about is a more soulful kind of nature that can come to test people in so many ways. If your daughter is a sensitive person, to be able to sense/feel everything that is depressing or stressful comes with a massive amount of challenges. If you're a bit of a sensitive yourself, I imagine you'll be able to relate to the following handful of examples

When you can physically feel sadness in someone or when you walk into a room and get that 'cut the air with a knife' feeling
When you can physically feel a shutdown from someone. For example, you might start telling someone about something that means the world to you and suddenly you feel that heartbreaking hit to the chest when they say 'That's ridiculous'
When you can physically feel every news report, every depressing, uninspiring, disempowering report that solidifies the belief 'The world is a brutal and cruel place'. Btw, there are news services out there (especially for young people) that deliver the news in careful and inspiring ways

While we hear about how sensitive this young generation is and how they need to 'toughen up' (grrr😖, I hate that), personally I think of how lucky we are to have a new generation that is sensitive enough to feel injustice and the need to right those wrongs, feel a lack of care for people, animals and the earth and the need to be more careful and caring, feel how insensitive people can be and the need to question such insensitivity and the list goes on. There is just so much to feel in this world for those who can sense deeply and easily. How to do it skillfully and strategically and in ways that don't lead to incredible sufferance is key.

If your daughter happens to be a bit of an empathic person, a good read may be 'Sensitive Is The New Strong', by Anita Moorjani. From one mum to another, I wish you the best as you guide your daughter in the way forward. ❤️

Re: Scared mum of teen

arcticbutterfly — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 00:44:31 GMT

OMG @therising you have just described my daughter exactly. I was a bit like that too at her age and still am but she has it even more and it is dragging her down. That, and a few not so kind friends hurting her recently this has been the result. She also volunteers at a wildlife sanctuary which she loves but not all animals make it and it is hard.
Thanks also for reminding me that sometime I just need to feel with her, not trying to fix the issue. This is super hard for me as I am a doer and used to fixing what I see isn’t working, but I think this can sometimes make things worse for her.

thanks so much you comment has made my day!!

Re: Scared mum of teen

therising — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 18:12:52 GMT

Hi arcticbutterfly

Your daughter sounds like an absolutely beautiful person who is here making such a positive difference to the world. I think we start off as this incredible person, from day one. We are born with a sense of wonder, imagination, adventure, joy, self acceptance and self love, the need to question, love of animals and certain people. We are born with a sense of what/who is fair, what is fascinating, what is boring and what is inspiring. We're born with the ability to sense so much. We're born sensitive. Some are led to develop those senses and some lose them to varying degrees for one reason or another. I have to say, it's my kids who have taught me to 'come to my senses' again.

It's so heartbreaking to feel our child's pain when people have not been treating them well, their 'friends' especially. If you were to ask my son, he'd tell you that there are some seriously tough learning curves for a HSP (highly sensitive person). He'd advise while it is easy to sense the most beautiful people in your life, it's also easy to sense the cruelest and most degrading. It's easy to sense those who bully, those who shut you down, those who feel soul destroying, those who are not great for your self esteem and so on. From one extreme to the other, this becomes a lesson in 'reading people'. He's learned to read people like a book, based on being able to feel their nature and behaviour. Like your daughter, he's a lover of creatures (more so ones of the ocean). Since the age of 4, he's wanted to become a marine biologist and has applied to uni this year to study marine sciences. His #1 love has always been sharks. The disappointment he feels when it comes to how humans impact the ocean is great. The rage he feels when it comes to shark culling is enormous. Marine lovers (conservationists, biologists etc) lead him to feel joy and a huge sense of inspiration.

The world needs people like our kids - seers, feelers and hearers. They are those who can see the best way forward, through their imagination, while also being able to see the worst way forward (so as to change that direction). They are those who can feel from one extreme to the other, from what is right all the way through to what is wrong, not good, destructive and depressing. They are those who are able to hear inspiration that comes to them from out of the blue, the kind of stuff that speaks to them, such as 'You have got to make a difference'. While our kids are born with what are incredibly natural or super natural gifts, this is what continues to make them such incredibly magical people.🙂

Re: Scared mum of teen

arcticbutterfly — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 19:46:10 GMT

Thank you! I agree! The world needs more people who can feel and empathise .
I always told my daughter that the package of traits that makes her hurt also comes with superpowers such as understanding and reading people.
I got the book you suggested (audiobook) and been listening since yesterday. Turns out I wasn’t wrong about the superpower.
I looked up tests for empaths and she definitely fits the bill. I mentioned it briefly to her yesterday and she had a bit of an ahah moment. I think she liked the idea of not being alone and also not being broken.
Hopefully that can help her.
thanks again. And all the best to your son with his studies, it’s wonderful he found his calling!

Re: Scared mum of teen

therising — Thu, 28 Sep 2023 16:53:03 GMT

Hi arcticbutterfly

I also wish your daughter well as she sets out looking for other people like herself with such superpowers. So much easier being a sensitive/feeler in this world with others who can also sense/feel so easily and deeply. When you get together with other similar people it can actually be amusing at times. When you're amongst other sensitives and someone not so sensitive says something that's an obvious shutdown, you give each other a knowing look that says everything, 'Yep, I felt that too. You didn't imagine that feeling'. A bit of mental telepathy there amongst feelers 😁.

I think one of the hardest things for a sensitive person involves sensing the need to speak up without suppressing that need. I've found a genuine sense of wonder helps with that. Instead of thinking 'Why would that person say something so cruel and depressing?' and keeping that sense of wonder to our self, wondering out loud can be the challenge. If you genuinely want to know the answer, out of sheer curiosity (because you're basically wonderful), takes a bit of sass to say 'I can't help but wonder why you would say something so cruel and depressing and I also can't help but wonder why you can't feel what you just said to me'. Wondering out loud definitely doesn't win you a lot of friends but it can definitely satisfy a sense of curiosity. This genuine sense of wonder will lead good people to become more conscious and it will also lead questionable people to challenge, often with 'You're way too sensitive'. These days my response to that is 'Hell yeah, I'm sensitive. How else to you think I can sense what you just said to me?!'.😂

Trusting what we sense and not letting others to lead us to self doubt is perhaps the ultimate test when it comes to a sensitive person developing their senses and gaining higher levels of self esteem. Such self mastery can take a lot of practice.

Re: Scared mum of teen

indigo22 — Fri, 29 Sep 2023 02:12:05 GMT

Hi arcticbutterfly,

I am so glad you reached out. With respect to your post title, I would say you are a compassionate mother of a scared teen. The rising has given you some great information so I am just adding to it a little bit.

I am also a Highly Sensitive Person (look up Elaine Aron to learn more about HSPs) and as a girl about the same age as your daughter, I found life really difficult but didn't have a family that helped me because they were not that way. For me it turned into dysthymia and major depression, and I am still dealing with it my 60s. If you can get your daughter to a point where she can talk things through with you, it will make the world of difference. Please make sure you let her know that there will be no judgement about whatever she wants to talk about.

She just needs to feel understood and loved unconditionally. The reason she is hurting herself is because the pain she feel inside is sometimes more than she can deal with, so she hurts her self on the outside as a distraction, in the same way an adult might use drugs or alcohol.

The other thing I would like to suggest is for you to talk her through a meditation asking her to imagine a safe and nurturing place inside of her that she can retreat to when she is feeling overwhelmed. This could be like a sanctuary with animals surrounding her, keeping her safe from harm. Then ask her to see this sanctuary surrounded with a healing light (green is very healing but whatever colour she chooses will be perfect for her).

If you can do this a few times with her, eventually she will be able to do this for herself and she will likely no longer need to hurt herself.

I hope this helps and I wish there were more mothers like you, then there would be less need for places like these forums.

Sending you a huge hug,

indigo22

Re: Scared mum of teen

arcticbutterfly — Fri, 29 Sep 2023 15:50:20 GMT

Thank you @indigo22 for your kind words.

I am so sorry to hear what happened to you.

thanks for the tips, I will definitely follow your suggestions.

Self harming

arcticbutterfly — Sat, 18 Nov 2023 10:46:25 GMT

I recently discovered my teen is self harming i discussed it with her but she said I should not call her out on it and that she still wants to be left alone in her room. The harm itself is minor but the idea of her being so sad that it leads to this, breaks my heart.

She has stated seeing a psychologist so she is getting support but in the meantime I don’t know what to do.

if I respect her wishes of being left alone I worry she’ll do it again, but if I don’t listen our relationship will suffer and the slim line of communication we have may vanish.

please help.

Re: Self harming

Croix — Sat, 18 Nov 2023 12:50:34 GMT

Dear Arcticbutterfly~

I have read about your 13 year old daughter in your previous thread Scared Mum of Teen and I would imagine you feel caught between being overprotective and wondering if that will ruin your relationship, or if you should stand back and hope your daughter does not really harm herself.

That's a horrible choice to have to face. One good thing is that now she is seeing professional help.

Actually I think yur relationship must be a pretty good one, many young people would never tell their parents they were self harming or that life was not worth living.

While it is true that many things can be hard to face it might be worth pointing out that in the wildlife park the animals that pass away do so in the best of circumstances, possibly due in part to her efforts.

I know you love her and want to do everything you can, however you would need both direction and support for yourself. It is incredibly stressful to go though what you are.

I can suggest in relation to information and advice the Kids Help Line Parents Section deals with self-harm and also has a help line.

For support for yourself you might consider giving one of our own friendly councilors a ring on our own Help Line a ring on 1300 22 4636.

I really do feel for you (and your daughter) and if you felt like letting us know how you go that would be very welcome

Croix

Re: Self harming

arcticbutterfly — Sat, 18 Nov 2023 21:21:19 GMT

Thank you Croix, I really appreciate your kind words.
I will definitely check out the services you suggested.
I have found a parent coaching service through Beyond Blue helpline which is helping.

To be fair my daughter didn’t tell me she was self harming, I saw the signs and called it out. She was very upset and told me that calling it out was very bad but I replied she was too important for me to ignore something like this. While upset she understood where I was coming from.
I don’t know if I did the right thing calling it out but I just could not pretend I hadn’t seen it. I did it calmly and from a place of concern, not at all anger.

since then, we have had several conversations about my fears, her reasons and her need to be alone and why I am reluctant.
she has also suggested that we do a Q&A session where I can ask her anything about it, though she will be able to choose what she answers. I look forward to that.

in the meantime we have tried to brainstorm a few alternative strategies to help her cope when she gets so low. Hopefully she’ll be able to use those instead, while the psychologist helps her through why she feels that way in the first lave.

Thank you so much and I will update our (hopefully) progress.

Re: Self harming

Croix — Sun, 19 Nov 2023 10:59:47 GMT

Dear Arcticbutterfly~

I don't know if you daughter will feel this, I hope she does. There is often a great deal of relief in somebody else knowing about such things. Being 'called out' might initially cause someone to say "I wish you had not" but that can quickly fade away. It's in the open, one is not alone, and another person might actually help.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a sensible and caring person as yourself as a mum and I'm sure things will improve.

I remember a long time ago telling my wife I was suicidal, and that changed everything, I was no longer battling on alone - which I had been for a long time - and feeling guilty about it. Now I had somewhere to turn.

The Q&A sounds attractive, however may I suggest you hold off for a little while until you know what you want to ask - I doubt it is just what instinct dictates. I'm not sure the most obvious questions such as "why do it" are going to be the most productive. I would imagine while it might be an information gathering exercise for you just as importantly your daughter needs to see it as a comfort.

Perhaps as part of that she needs to be able to Q&A you too

I think I'd get more advice first, though that of course is just me, you are the best judge of your daughter's feelings.

This is about as stressful a time for a parent as it gets, and nobody can face everything every day going on and on, so may I ask what suppport you have? A family member, friend or councilor perhaps? Trying to keep on going in isolation is hard.

Croix

Re: Self harming

arcticbutterfly — Sun, 19 Nov 2023 18:30:03 GMT

Thank you, I do hope that not feeling alone will help her.
for the Q&A I did say that I appreciate the offer and it would help me but I also acknowledged it’d be hard for her and asked what she would gain from it. She said she’d feel better if I felt better. And that’s her through and through. She even started worrying if her offloading her problems to her psychologist would make them feel bad!!

Anyway, I have written out a list of questions and they are more around what thoughts she has immediately before engaging in self harm and if she thinks she may be able to divert to a more positive coping technique.

Today she spent the day at the wildlife sanctuary where she volunteers and came back much happier so I didn’t bring up any self harm discussion. I’m sure there’ll be other times for that.

Thanks for suggesting I get help. I am doing that through a parent coaching service, plus I have my partner (my daughters dad) and a couple of friends I can talk to.

thanks again for your insight. I really appreciate it!

Re: Self harming

Croix — Tue, 21 Nov 2023 11:43:48 GMT

Dear Arcticbutterfly~

It made a great deal of difference to me once I'd told my wife. I am not sure if it was because I was happy wiht myself by breaking out and telling someone my most closely guarded secret, or becuse I was now no longer alone and did not have ot bear all hte burden by myself. Maybe a bit of both.

I would be most surprised if your daughter did not feel some of this too. She sounds a lovely caring person.

You talked about raising the subject of self harm - and not doing so because she was in a happy state. That sounds pretty sensible.

I would think that if she can be persuaded to bring the subject up herself when she feels overwhelmed with the urge to hurt herself it might stop her as she will be talkng frankly to someone she trusts instead.

It may well be hard on you to hear her thoughts which is one reason I'm glad you are getting that parent coaching service as well as support from your husband and friends.

You realy are doing a fine job.

Croix

Daughter struggling but her friend is worse

arcticbutterfly — Sun, 26 Nov 2023 19:49:22 GMT

Hello,

My young teen is struggling right now including some self harm.

She recently started seeing a psychologist and the last week or so has been better. She is also opening up to me more. There’s still a long way to go but I feel we are making some progress.

However, her best friend is in a really bad way and is offloading all of her woes onto my daughter. I know the friendship is important for them both but I am really concerned about how this offloading will affect my girl. Plus I am obviously worried about the friend too. She doesn’t have a very good relationship with her parents and she is not getting help. My daughter is referring her to the phone helpline here but she may not call.

I am helping my girl trying to set up some healthy boundaries with this friends but it is hard.

My question is: what can I do?

if I tell the parents what’s happening and the friend blames my daughter it will break her and in the future she won’t come to me to offload, which she definitely needs to.
Any advice much welcome. Thank you!

Re: Daughter struggling but her friend is worse

smallwolf — Mon, 27 Nov 2023 12:24:01 GMT

It's clear you care deeply about both your daughter and her friend. This is an incredibly difficult situation with no easy answers. Here are some random thoughts ...

First, validate your daughter's feelings and let her know you are proud of her for opening up to you and getting help. Having your support through this will be so important.

You're right to have your daughter set healthy boundaries for conversations with her friend. She can listen and be supportive without taking on the full weight of her friend's struggles. Perhaps she could see her psychologist for guidance on how to establish and communicate those boundaries kindly but firmly. (Although I am much older, this is something I have discussed with my own psychologist.)

Mostly, just keep supporting your daughter, applauding her courage in getting help, and giving her tools to avoid getting overwhelmed by her friend’s struggles.

Lastly, regarding her friend.... there is also kids helpline she could reach out to? Also ... perhaps a chat with the school counsellor might be able to give you some assistance in this area? Hopefully some of this helps.

Re: Daughter struggling but her friend is worse

arcticbutterfly — Mon, 27 Nov 2023 20:17:07 GMT

thank you, yes my daughter has also been discussing the situation with her psychologist but I think next time they should focus on boundaries specifically.

the girls had a catch up yesterday and my daughter was completely wiped out by the end of it. Absorbed all of the negativity from her friend. Very frustrating and sad to see when my girl is also struggling. Hopefully this whole experience will be a good lesson in boundary setting that will serve her well in the future.

Re: Daughter struggling but her friend is worse

smallwolf — Tue, 28 Nov 2023 11:25:59 GMT

It sounds like your daughter is also a very caring person?

I would also guess this would be hard for you to watch as well? Have you looked at the information here ...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/support-someone

and look at the sections for parents and the last section on looking after yourself. There are also a number of good apps you and your daughter could try also? I don't really want to the recommend any out of the blue (especially cause your daughter is also getting professional help, and don't want to interfere) and I also .. these were recommended to me by my psychologist.

I know from your posts you are a good parent and it is also important for you to look after yourself 🙂

Listening...

Re: Daughter struggling but her friend is worse

arcticbutterfly — Tue, 28 Nov 2023 19:43:21 GMT

Thanks! Will check out the link.