topic Re: Troubled mind in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Troubled mind

LaineYG — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 19:38:26 GMT

today I woke up having serious and really strong urge to end my life.. this is probably triggered by how my life is atm... aside from having a good job that I actually love as well as having a roof over my head, I got nothing to really show for... I got no one to turn to when I’m struggling... I got no friends and have limited supports in the community. The nearest hospital to me knows me well but has been giving a subpar care coz they got a different view of me, they think I’m a joke and is making all these things up... how can I trust that they’ll do right by me when they have that idea of me... this is why I’d rather be dead now than feel like this and be related like a piece of s**t. This is probably what’s best for everyone... once it’s done and I’m gone, everyone will be relieved and have one less problem to think off...

Re: Troubled mind

white knight — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 02:44:59 GMT

Hi welcome

Short story- Went to the medical centre 2 days ago for a nurse for a procedure. I was called in and before I went in I told her my name and "what's your name". There was no answer and I was loud enough. Then she, in a demanding voice asked for my paperwork. I didnt have any so she said I'd have to return to the waiting room. I had a major meltdown. In the distant past I would have gone home and be upset for a week. Instead, I returned to her to "tell her off" and I suppose I was a daunting 135kg figure on her. I then reported to the counter that I was "melting down" and could I go to a room. I received the most wonderful caring assistance I could ever want by warm and wonderful nurses.

So, to you, you are not irrelevant, should never be discounted as a "joke" and deserve all the care you need. Suicide is not the answer, I've tried and my brother and uncle succeeded and left much hurt to our family. Besides, I never have tried since (1996) and never will, I will do anything to avoid that road. In fact I dedicated myself after that to 1/ be a great parent and 2/ to help other people like you to avoid it.

If I was you I'd do the following-

make other connections like lifeline 13 11 14 and Beyondblue 1300 224 636 or write in here.
never accept being discounted eg stand up for yourself. Not easy BTW
try not to think all medical staff are the same, seek out the kind, non judgemental ones. If uncomfortable ask for someone else.
Take up hobbies, sport (barracking for a team etc)
Seek your full potential

I hope I've helped. I'm on here regularly nearly every day and other champs are here to. I love this place.

TonyWK

Re: Troubled mind

LaineYG — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 15:50:20 GMT

it’s hard to trust the system when your treated like a piece of s**t… that’s why most of the support I’m getting are from those who are not affiliated with my local hospital… coz whatever service or support I try to go to that’s affiliated with my local hospital seems to not do a proper assessment of me… hence why sometimes I believe that everyone is out to get me… and I know that’s my paranoia saying that but it’s hard to challenge it when I know for a fact that that’s how I am getting treated… in saying that, that’s where the thinking of ‘I’m better off dead than be in this situation’ coz it’s far easier than living in hell like this…. Atleast wherever I end up going for when I end up ending my life I know that there’s someone up there waiting for me… I don’t believe that I got much to live for down here…

Re: Troubled mind

LaineYG — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 10:00:22 GMT

Why is it so hard to find reasons to live but so east to find reasons to die? Why can’t it be the other way around? Why does the world I live in seems so dark and full of pain and suffering? How come others can go thru life without a hitch? I wish I was the same as others where there’s light and happiness… as much as I want to live in that world, I seem to not able to see it in others peoples eyes… maybe that’s just how it is but I wonder how can i change these view of my world into the same world as everyone else is living in.

Dear LaineYGal Thanks for your post. We understand that...

Sophie_M — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 15:53:41 GMT

Dear LaineYGal

Thanks for your post. We understand that you are really struggling.We want to let you know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is here for you. If you’d like to talk through any of this with our team, we invite you to call or chat to one of our trained mental health professionals; it’s completely confidential and available 24/7. You can contact Beyond Blue either via phone on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat service at the following link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat

In the event of an emergency or if things escalate and you feel unsafe, please call 000 immediately. Here are some other numbers you can call to access immediate support to keep you safe; these numbers are all 24/7. Lifeline on 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ and Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au

Warm Regards, and please keep safe.

Sophie_M

Re: Troubled mind

white knight — Mon, 17 Apr 2023 05:47:35 GMT

Hi again,

Re: " as much as I want to live in that world, I seem to not able to see it in others peoples eyes" Good question. I think many people have a greater level of acceptance, they accept that animals and humans dying is normal in life, they might not have the same emotional level as yourself or they dont have any mental health issue to load them down.

Life is hard and for us life is only easier if we work harder. If only I could convince you how wonderful life can be but that would take an approach that makes you strive for that good life. It's a bit like falling over, you are lying on the ground and you reach up for others to lift you... but they are all busy with life and have their backs turned. They dont mean to be turning away, but they are because they have their own battles. So the only way is to get up by yourself and review why you fell. Once you have stood up look around you... there is flowers, cuddly animals, kind people and laughter, its just over there in the park... you can walk there... will you?

I'm here to keep talking, just have to wait till I'm back online.

Are you feeling good here?

TonyWK

Re: Troubled mind

Croix — Mon, 17 Apr 2023 15:45:17 GMT

Dear LaineYGal~

Sorry this is long -sigh, and there are 2 parts:(

I can well imagine all the feelings you behind those words:

"The nearest hospital to me knows me well but has been giving a subpar care coz they got a different view of me, they think I’m a joke and is making all these things up."

To try to cope with that is so hard, it makes a person think the world is made up of unfeeling people who have no sight and no care. If that were completely true then things might well seem hopeless.

I’ll give you an example, it’s a bit like Tony's in a way (I completely agree with everything he said BTW). A long time ago (I must stress things are better nowadays) I "voluntarily" went into a psych ward for suicidal matters, but wanted to go out for a few minutes

I was told "no". I explained I was voluntary and the nurse behind the doorway counter (who had never even checked my notes) said "It's not about you, its about us, if something happened or you did not come back we'd be in trouble"

It showed me the depth of empathy and care present NOT.

(It was quickly sorted out by my psych)

I had a hard time to start with on the ward, the other patients upset me, not because they gave me a hard time but because they were in grief and pain.

I felt I'd nowhere to go, maybe a bit like you feel now

One day a psych nurse who was not one of the ones "looking after" me went home during his shift and brought me back a stack of his own personal books. They were adolescent fantasies

They were just what I needed, I lost myself in a world for heroes and princesses and villains who got their just deserts. A real retreat from that ward. Of course the thing that really made the difference was the kindness of a fellow human being

I was discharged, of course things were not perfect but now there was the knowledge that real people are lurking out there ready to be found, or to find you. It made a huge difference to me, I did not have to assume all were as bad as I'd thought

Re: Troubled mind

Croix — Mon, 17 Apr 2023 07:36:08 GMT

OK, here's the rest of it ...

Why was I there in the first place? For me the world was a small limited one in my eyes, my life was horrible and I felt the way I'd been treated, not worth anything

Those books and that kindness started to show me the world was larger, there was hope, interest and understanding (plus staff do change)

Can I add The Kids Help Line (not the web chat even though that seems easier) on 1800 55 1800. I've found them pretty sensible and do not jump to conclusions or overreact (YMMV at times)

Never doubt you are a person who deserves a better life than you have right now

Croix

Re: Troubled mind

therising — Mon, 17 Apr 2023 08:08:53 GMT

Hi LaineYGal

Was saying to someone just yesterday 'Why can't it be easier than what it is? Why do things have to be so damned hard at times?'. Sometimes it feels like there's just not a lot of energy left with which to do 'hard'. I think Tony and Croix hit the nail on the head in one way - some folk (who are meant to be helping) make it much harder than what it needs to be and some folk just don't help matters at all. Then there are those who end up showing you how much easier it should be, like the people who showed up to help in some way that made a difference.

I like Tony's challenging nature, under such circumstances. I think sometimes we gotta just say it how it is like 'You're meant to be making this easier for me, so why aren't you?' or 'You have no idea how done I am with people treating me like this. I am sick (because) of people repeatedly treating me this way'. Amazing how 'I'm sick of...' becomes so much clearer when you throw a 'because' in there. I'm sick because of not being listened to. I'm sick because of people throwing challenges my way. I'm sick because of no one seeming to make a difference. Great dis-ease does not feel good or in anyway comfortable, whereas ease is such a relief. I think the mantra should be 'Make this easy'. More a direction for others than a mantra I suppose. I think when you're the kind of person who tries so hard to make things easier for others in a number of ways, absolutely nothing wrong with demanding the same in return.

Re: Troubled mind

rubytiger — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 02:03:27 GMT

Hey LaineYGal

I wanted to let you know that your not alone in the way your feeling.

I don't have anyone to turn to either or friends. It makes things so much more difficult than they need to be when you don't really have anyone to turn to when you really need someone. I've just starting using the forum on here and on reachout or to chat with someone online that can help sometimes.

I know that it's awful. But it's not what's best for everyone even if you think that way, (i think that way too), stay for yourself. You have the opportunity of finding out your potential and what your life could become. I think the exact same as you..

Is there another hospital you could go to? Don't know if that would help but

Re: Troubled mind

smallwolf — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 08:24:55 GMT

Hey there. I saw your recent posts and wondering how you are going at the moment?

Changing how we view the world takes time and .... I wish I had the answers. If I did, I would also know how to deal with the challenges myself.

I would be interested in hearing more of your story if you want to share?

Re: Troubled mind

LaineYG — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 15:51:41 GMT

Thanks everyone for those great insights and words… I know their just words but sometimes it’s all a person could ever need to feel good within themselves (like me.,) it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this even though I got no one to really turn to in times of trouble… I have been feeling abit well lately as I’ve dug my head into work… I think it’s the only thing that’s keeping my head above water… I wish the light at the end of my tunnel is brighter but it’s not… sometimes I just want to get to the end of my tunnel but I guess I got along way to go… unfortunately I don’t get to decide as to where or which hospital I go to when I need that help as by default the ambos needs to take me to the nearest hospital and if I go on my own there’s a far greater risk for me… I know life is never made easy but it’s how you perceive it is and in saying that I perceive my life is more challenging and sometimes chaotic than others… it’s in that chaos I need to learn how to make it simpler and less chaotic than what it is… the ideations and urges are constant everyday it’s a matter of how I react to it… on most days nowadays I don’t react to it and just let it pass by but there are those moments that I can’t hold back… it’s in those moments I need the help the most but where do I turn to? I often find myself searching for that support and never finds it… if people know who I am they’ll easily turn me away and tell me to follow a care plan that doesn’t even work or doesn’t really apply to me… all I need is some care and compassion from people who should be looking after me but even then it’s hard to find and it’s not often that it comes..

Re: Troubled mind

smallwolf — Tue, 25 Apr 2023 08:39:17 GMT

hello,

you mentioned keeping your head above water. I would refer to that as floating, which is neither a good or bad thing. The rest of your reply sounded like you were struggling. I understand how challenging it can be to feel like you're alone in your struggle and find it tough to keep moving forward when the light at the end of the tunnel feels dim.

On not having control over where you receive care ... and that it can be difficult to find the support and compassion you need from those who are supposed to be looking out for you. It does not seem fair that you have to search for help when it should be readily available to you.

I am curious about what care and compassion looks like for you? Can you tell me more about that.

Re: Troubled mind

LaineYG — Tue, 25 Apr 2023 15:14:56 GMT

The care and compassion for me is when I feel I’m being heard and getting the right support to get me through my tough times… I am slowly trying to just rely on myself than be dependent onto someone who may not really understand what I’m going thru… I do have a few support workers that do give me that compassion and care but their only available on the weekdays so my weekends can be challenging and lonely coz I got no one to turn to when I needed that help and support.. one things for sure, I won’t get that from my local hospital as well as any service that’s tied up with them… hence why I’m trying to relocate to the catchment of the hospital that does want to help me.. hopefully it goes thru soon…

Re: Troubled mind

Croix — Wed, 26 Apr 2023 11:31:56 GMT

Dear LaineYG~

Sometimes a hospital will keep going down the same track rather rather than have a rethink. To be fair often a person's condition may not be that clear and they do try, however if it is not helping and makes you feel you are not treated seriously or with respect I don't blame you at all for wanting a change.

If you have been to another hospital that does treat you as you need then it make sense to try to get in thier catchment -a good plan.

The other good plan you mentioned, is to try to use your own resources and rely less upon others. I'm not suggesting this is something you can do quickly, but something to aim for. I guess to some extent I'm forced into that as they keep on changing doctors where I go, and starting from square one with a new one every so often is hard and worrying.

There is naother plan you might consider. You have said that you do get some care and compassion from your weekday carers -and I'm very glad you do have a bright spot. As they are never available on weekends Do you think you might be able to plan for their absence? It might be you can think of something that has made you feel good in the past, or has distracted you and taken your mind away from all the troubles to a gentler place. I do this at the end of the day and it does help, it gives me something to look forward to - and is one way of relying upon myself as an added bonus.

I'd quite agree it is hard to think of suitable things, particularly when you feel very down, but at times things can come to you. I use books, YouTube clips of particular comedians, a short walk out of the house, talking to someone I know - not to say how I feel but just general chat, and just about anything else.

It can get to be a good habit.

We've al been talking for a while now and are concerned about you, if you would like to tell us how you get on that would be great

Croix

Re: Troubled mind

smallwolf — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 09:31:51 GMT

hello again. I had login issues in the last couple of days,

It sounds like you have been going through a challenging time - It can be tough to find the right support that truly understands what you are going through, but it's great to hear that you have a few support workers who are there for you during the weekdays.

It takes a lot of strength and courage to rely on yourself, but I want you to know that you are not alone. And it's great that you are taking steps to relocate to a catchment area where you can receive the help and support you need. I hope that the process goes smoothly for you and that you are able to find the care and compassion you deserve. Remember that you are worthy of love and support, and there are people who care about you and want to see you succeed.

Re: Troubled mind

therising — Tue, 02 May 2023 20:09:18 GMT

Hi LaineYG

Sometimes I think about how we can have dozens of challenges all rolled into one. If you can imagine a big ball of wool and, as you unravel it, every half metre or so has a knot in it. A knot can be both a problem and a challenge. The challenge is to work it all out.

Some common knot questions

Why do I love being an introvert yet suffer through this nature so much at times?
Why do I struggle with such brutal internal dialogue and how am I meant to manage that?
Why do I feel so incredibly deeply and why do I suffer through that?
Why can't I cop a break from the challenges I face?

etc.

With a couple of those

What if it's simply in our nature, to feel so deeply? How do we manage the ability, so that what we feel as depressing doesn't get the better of us? How to use depressing as a telling emotion/feeling leads it to become an informative one, as opposed to feeling it solely as a soul destroying one
What if we're designed to manage that old 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' kind of inner dialogue? While it can be so easy and absolutely brutal to hear the darker side of what comes to mind, 'How to tap into the lighter side?' becomes the question. If no one has ever given us skills in how to manage such a thing, how do we do it? There are ways

Looking back on a number of depressing periods in my life involved finally realising what was naturally depressing (soul destroying levels of disappointment based on others not stepping up in ways they could/should have, feeling so incredibly lost with few offering light in the way of direction, being led to see my feelings as 'wrong', as opposed to seeing them as informative etc). How would I have felt people stepping up, people holding the light for me and people helping me make better sense of my feelings? Being able to read or feel how others can bring us down is a skill. It involves the skill of sensing who to gravitate towards and who to move away from.

Laine, if you are packed with untapped skills (which you are), can you imagine which one to be the first you'd like to bring to life.

Re: Troubled mind

LaineYG — Fri, 05 May 2023 19:53:24 GMT

Thanks for these lovely words and encouraging messages,. I wish I can say that to my family as well but unfortunately I can’t, my family don’t seem to understand why I’m trying hard to be part of their lives. My reason why I am putting an effort in being present for them is that I would feel less lonely and isolated from them but they seem to not care much about what I’m doing and how I am… I try to check on them as much as I can and as often as I can but they don’t seem to reciprocate it. Do I just accept the fact that they don’t really care about me? Having these thoughts and feelings brings up the suicide and SH urges. I am trying my best not to let it affect me but deep within it actually does affect me more than I expect it to… I now feel that anything is better than having to go through this rejection I’m feeling right now… how do I turn it around??? I’m lost confused and just disappointed towards how the world revolves or atleast my world… where to go from here? I honestly don’t know, coz I’m honestly done pretending that things will get better… coz I truly believe that it won’t… so why bother trying when all seem to lead to this path anyways? Why resist when evidence shows that this is all I’ll ever get…

Re: Troubled mind

therising — Fri, 05 May 2023 21:57:53 GMT

Hi LaineYG

Sometimes I think we can be the most caring deeply feeling member of our family and that in itself can have a bit of a 'black sheep' feel to it. We can be like the odd one out, when no one else appears to care or feel quite as much. Instead of asking 'What leads those around me to not care and feel as deeply as I do?', the question can more so become 'What's wrong with me?'. I try my hardest not to ask myself thiat question, as there are far more constructive questions to ask in the way of greater self understanding, plus this tends to be a depressing question for me. I try not to go down that 'What's wrong with me?' dark path. 'Why do I tick the way I do?' is a far more enlightening path. Btw, still not an easy one to navigate at times, that's for sure.

I've found one of the most liberating aspects to come back to life in me over the last handful of years is a sense of wonder. While a sense of wonder is something most of us a born with, it's also something a lot of us lose as we go along (sometimes without fully realising). I think, in some ways, it's kind of conditioned out of us for a number of reasons as we're growing up. Once it comes back to life, it can become a game changer. When it comes to my families, the one I was born into and the one I created myself, I can't help but wonder about my mum, dad, brother, sister, husband, son and daughter, as well as some extended family members. What makes them tick the way they do - how much is about who they naturally are compared with how their experiences in life have shaped them, formed and reformed them to be the people they are at any given time.

Do you ever seriously wonder about your family? Sometimes I think some of the most unusual people I've ever come across in life happen to be the ones I live with or have lived with. I know, for a fact, I appear as unusual to them too at times. I find being 'normal' and 'acceptable' to be just too much hard work at times. I say this as I sit here with my purple hair 😊

Re: Troubled mind

LaineYG — Sat, 06 May 2023 18:50:23 GMT

I loved how you explained everything @therising., it makes sense but it is hard to follow specially when all you can see are the negative and dark parts of life… I still have that dark clouds hanging over my head, all I can think of are negative thoughts… I try not to ruminate on it nor acting on the urges… I’m basically trying to surf the wave as they call it… so far it’s letting me hang by a thread right now… if I can hold longer I’m sure I can move forward from there on… if I can’t then I’m screwed… So what do I do now? I need some help in swaying away from the urge… I need help and I need it now… 😞