topic Re: Not coping today in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Not coping today

KindSoul88 — Mon, 13 Feb 2023 00:13:03 GMT

Tw strong suicidal ideation urges and intent

how does one cope with all these things going on at the moment… I have chronic suicidal ideation but today is different. I’ve started having episodes of dissociation and vivid images of what I would do to end my life… it’s that vivid that I seem to feel what I would be feeling whilst I’m doing it… I tried to do some tools I’ve learned so far and nothing seems to work… I’ve tried reaching out to lifeline but couldn’t get thru… im running out of options and it feels like this is the end of me… I can’t handle any of this anymore… it’s hell right now., hence why I kinda thought that the voices are right, why try when I’ll fail anyways. Why try when it was destined for me to end my story my way. Why try when no one wants to help anyways… why try when I’ve been longing for freedom which I’ll get once it’s all over… why try when all your doing is prolonging the pain and suffering I’m feeling… so what to do?.

Hi KindSoul88, Firstly, we are so grateful you have felt...

Sophie_M — Mon, 13 Feb 2023 00:26:48 GMT

Hi KindSoul88,

Firstly, we are so grateful you have felt brave enough to share your journey with us, here in the Beyond Blue Community. We know how difficult it can be to discuss and it is so important you have done this today.

We’re also sorry that things have been so difficult for you, and that you've tried to reach out for support but not been able to access it. We are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need, so you've made a really good step in making that call and starting a discussion here.

Our Support Service team will be reaching out to you via email to connect with you, we hope that's ok. If you'd like to reach us directly, we're on 1300 22 4636 or you can reach out online. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Thanks again for opening up here and letting us know what's going on for you. Please check back in and let us know how you’re going when you feel up to it.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Hi KindSoul88, Firstly, we are so grateful you have felt...

KindSoul88 — Mon, 13 Feb 2023 01:15:14 GMT

I feel like I’m at a losing end of this stick., no matter how hard I try it seems like it doesn’t change anything anyways, I still get stuck in this vicious loop over and over again… the only solution to this is to cave in., it’s simple and very enticing to do because the end result will be freedom from all the pain and suffering that ive been on for awhile now… just the idea of it now makes me cling more towards to just let everything go and just that leap hoping that it will be the last one… nothings tying me down here so I got nothing to lose really…

Re: Hi KindSoul88, Firstly, we are so grateful you have felt...

KindSoul88 — Mon, 13 Feb 2023 16:03:45 GMT

Where do I go or seek help from when those I’ve told about my problem and the new issues seems to not see all these the way I do.. it feels like it’s not as bad as I am feeling it., so I dunno what to do or say to put across the severity of the problem… I feel so alone in all these even though I probably got a good enough support workers and mental health professionals around me… I also feel that I’m talking in a different language or my message is not going across to everyone…. What do I need to do to get my message across to someone? Do I then have to engage on the urge and thoughts and let these voices take over me just to get my message across to everyone’s head and for them to see that I’m in a bad place atm? It does feel that everyone just wants me dead than them helping me., all they have to do is tell me if that’s what they as I surely don’t want to live in this world already, it has been for many years…

Re: Not coping today

KindSoul88 — Tue, 14 Feb 2023 00:26:44 GMT

I’m at a breaking point right now.,I woke up anxious and have this nagging urge to self harm to an extent that I will end my life... im having episodes of dissociation (seeing myself thru someone else’s eyes) I’m afraid that I’ll lose control over my physical self that it might be too late for me to stop myself from acting on the urge., i know I should talk to someone and get help but if you constantly been treated like a piece of crap or no one is taking you serious or they just don’t assess you properly or they see you as someone who is seeking attention, you’ll be reluctant to seek help... it’s still amazing how I can freely write here without judgement... I’m alone at home, sitting with all these thoughts and urges to both self harm and actually end my life... what to do now? I can’t bear this agony I’m In right this moment I’m leaning towards actually just st caving in and hope for the best I guess....

TW suicidal thoughts, urges and intent

KindSoul88 — Tue, 14 Feb 2023 11:14:15 GMT

I forced myself to sleep all day just to avoid the intrusive voices and negative feeling. I know it’s not fixing anything but merely avoiding feeling like this… but what can I do to help myself? I feel I’ve done all I could on my end and got nowhere but here… I need some relief from this pain I’m in… I can tolerate physical pain but the emotional and mental pain are the ones I can’t handle… No one has to live like this.

Re: TW suicidal thoughts, urges and intent

therising — Tue, 14 Feb 2023 23:38:44 GMT

Hi KindSoul88

Hope you're not being too hard on yourself for sleeping through what had become intolerable. I've found sometimes the only things that work aren't ideal but, at the end of the day, they can get us through to find what serves us in more constructive ways.

Being a gal who's managed depression for some years, I've come to see it from a biological, psychological and natural or soulful angle. Having faced long term depression from late teens through to 35 and bouts of depression from 35 to now 52, there has always been good reason for each depression. Managed to also make sense of why nothing worked at times...

Physically/biologically, if you don't have the kind of chemical energy being processed in the body that leads you to feel connected to life, it can be depressing. Doesn't matter how much you may try to change the way you think or how hard you try to find motivation, relying on energy's that just not there is challenging. Can tell you the lack of chemical energy that results from depressing levels of sleep apnea or b12 deficiency is brutal. The inner dialogue makes it worse, 'You're so lazy. What good are you to anyone? You're hopeless' etc.

Mentally, inner dialogue's definitely a form of torture at times. If nothing or no one can lead me to an altered perception beyond the kind of dialogue that dictates 'There's no point in you being here, you're a waste of space who's destined to suffer forever', that's the mindset I'll stay in until something or someone leads me out, typically through some mind altering revelation.

Naturally, if no one is leading me when I seriously need a guide and if I'm getting zero highs in life and/or if what I'm facing is naturally depressing, I'll feel it all. Naturally, I'm a feeler who doesn't just feel the highs but the overwhelming lows too. Can feel my internal dialogue, people's impact on me, when I'm functioning in 'flat battery' mode etc. Felt the horrible depressing quest for the right anti depressant in my earlier years. Can feel when people tell me to stop analysing (the hell out of life), instead of them sitting with me, helping me find some heavenly revelation/s.

Re: Not coping today

KindSoul88 — Thu, 16 Feb 2023 07:48:33 GMT

I’ve had it! … saw dad today, instead of him being happy to see me instead he’s disappointed… everywhere I look I only see disappointments into their eyes… im such a failure even I would be disappointed at me too. I’m tired of getting some hope up just for them to crush it… … I can’t honestly be in this loop over and over again… Coz I’m done trying I’m done hoping and I’m done disappointing everyone…

Re: Not coping today

Eagle Ray — Thu, 16 Feb 2023 08:36:42 GMT

Hi KindSoul88

I relate to what you describe as I’ve been struggling with similar feelings, including dissociation and suicidal ideation. One way of looking at it is understanding that it can feel comforting almost as an option when we’ve just had to deal with too much struggle, but often it’s not so much wanting to die, but just not suffer and struggle anymore. When in the midst of it it can be so hard to see any way out.

But knowing that life is in flux and things pass over time can help. Sometimes distraction can help, doing something we enjoyed in the past, such as rewatching a favourite tv series or spending time in nature. Sometimes it’s trying to remember those things that we have found comfort in previously. But I know it can feel hard to do this.

Only yesterday I was in a really bad way, but I had some positive interactions today that lifted me. It’s somehow knowing that you can feel uplifted again, as hard as that might be to see at the moment. Remember it is like being stuck in the moment, by that moment is not the whole of you and your life. It’s what you’re going through right now but things can and do change.

It’s great you have the courage to communicate here. Sometimes it can feel that we are disappointing loved ones. This may or not be the case as often when we are feeling at our most vulnerable we can feel like we’re letting others down. But they may also be worried or have their own issues they’re struggling with which may make it harder for them to know how to be present with you. If you are not feeling supported by family it’s important to reach out, and sharing here or contacting the Beyond Blue helpline mentioned above or Lifeline can be a way of feeling less isolated. If you call and don’t gel with the first person you speak with you can always call back again. I did that one time and spoke to exactly the right person on my second go and it really calmed me when I was feeling desperate.

I recently got the BB safety plan app too which, when I remember to look at it, helps to remind me of the things I can do to help myself and the people I can engage with if I need support, as well as my reasons for wanting to live and the things I care about.

With a name like KindSoul there is obviously a lot of good in you. You and your life are worth taking care of. Sending you kindness and support.

Re: Not coping today

therising — Fri, 17 Feb 2023 00:22:35 GMT

Hi KindSoul88

I can't help but wonder whether you're experiencing something that feels a little like an observer effect. It's kind of like waking up to observe your experiences from a different perspective. Say I have a sage in me, a people pleaser in me, an adventurer in me, a warrior princess in me who takes no prisoners etc etc. I also have an observer in me that observes how all those aspects of me behave and how life around me plays out in relation to them. For example, I could be pleasing people all the time through either serving them and/or simply not rocking the boat. The observer in me, offering me an outside looking in kind of view, led me to see how depressing things can get when I'm in constant people pleaser mode with few to no people serving me in some way. It was a shocking and depressing yet deeply revealing perspective. As a consequence, this seriously triggered the warrior princess in me to come to life. This part of me sounds less like 'You're not doing enough to please people. You're a horrible person and a failure of a human being' and more like 'A lot of the people around you need to get their s*** together and stop serving themselves so much. They need to pull their head out of their rear end and practice compassion and service to others, yourself included!'. The warrior princess in me can be highly intolerant and occasionally fueled by sheer fury when she comes to life 😊. This aspect is a fierce upstanding protector of the heart that can dictate in one way or another 'Don't worry sweetie, no heartbreak for you here. I'll handle this person'.

If the observer in you is possibly coming to life, what are you observing? Are you possibly observing how hard you try while also observing others not trying hard enough?

Re: Not coping today

KindSoul88 — Mon, 20 Feb 2023 08:04:15 GMT

I have engaged into services looking for the least harmful consequences to either just hurt myself and/or actually ending my own life. I have tried to contact the crisis hotlines but still came out empty handed or even worse than before… this is the very reason why I really believe that I’m one of those who are treatment resistant patient… so how do you turn that around? What do I need to do and/have to make it somewhat bearable? Would I ever live a happy life? No matter where I look it just either I get disappointed of how my life is right now or just have had it in seeking help from almost everyone and almost every services that could possibly help and support me thru this wave… the voices are are strong and very intrusive that it confuses the heck out of me… don’t know where to look, don’t know who to reach out to, don’t know how to help myself. I’ll try one last time in trying to contact other crisis service with the hope that I get some support in getting through this wave.

Re: Not coping today

Eagle Ray — Tue, 21 Feb 2023 08:08:04 GMT

Hi Kind Soul

I have heard the term ‘treatment resistant’ before. But I don’t think it’s the fault of the patient. It’s that the treatment approaches so far haven’t fitted with the patient and reached them where they’re at. It can feel isolating when the supports you’ve sought so far haven’t been able to sufficiently help, and I understand when you say you’ve felt worse after some of them because I’ve felt that too before.

I’ve found it’s been quite a tough road to find the right supports but I think it’s valuing yourself enough to know that you are worth it. Sometimes we can feel pathologised or ‘less than’, that there’s something wrong with us. But there’s always a reason we’re struggling that makes sense, whether it’s past trauma, too many stressful things, imbalances in our health and body etc. So many different things can affect us and it’s not our fault.

I’ve eventually found some good help but it did take a while and some perseverance. I’ll admit it wasn’t easy. It’s like I had to go through some really low points to get there. But often we’re at our worst before we find a better place.

Sometimes when I feel totally lost as you’re describing I try to ground myself by reconnecting through my senses. Last night there was a power blackout and I went outside to look at the stars. I already have a good view of the stars in my small town compared to the city, but with the blackout and no lights around the stars were exceptional. I saw two shooting stars as well. I had a feeling of wonder at the vast universe.

Is there something that you can connect with that takes you out of your suffering, even if for a little while? Maybe something you remember enjoying from the past? I’ve found getting through the really difficult times often involves finding ways of self-soothing and knowing you have that power within yourself to create some calm, letting go enough from struggle to have some good feelings. Those good feelings become like islands of hope that you can remember and return to when feeling overwhelmed.

I know you feel lost right now. The wave you describe is a wave you can ride or, as I have done with actual ocean waves, dive underneath to come up safely on the other side. See if you can breathe a little easier and just let go enough to feel a bit of peace. Even if it’s momentary you will know it’s possible and there’s hope. Take care.

Re: Not coping today

KindSoul88 — Fri, 24 Feb 2023 01:33:16 GMT

Had a conversation with my therapist about things been going on since we last spoke. One of it was about this vivid imagery of a time I nearly got suicide a success… I don’t know what it means but it felt I was in that moment, the taste the feeling and what was going on around me while I lie there unconscious and barely breathing… it didn’t stop there, it’s showing me too is the moment I came out of a 4 day induced coma the feeling I felt and what happened next. I feel like I’m losing control of myself but by bit… I’ve been engaging in a different form of self harm every waking day hoping that it’ll be the last… I guess it’s not extreme enough to kill me which then has been triggering an urge to do a more drastic one to which I’m currently at atm. I’m guessing why not engage to a more drastic of self harm, one that has a probability of being the one… I never want to come out of any of these alive.. I want out and now is the time to do so., if not today, it’ll be tomorrow… if not tomorrow then the next day… it’ll be like that day in day out until that moment I eventually kill myself! These urge and thoughts aren’t gonna stop until I’m dead so might as well give into the urge, and the voices… I believe there’s no hope in me and that I am a lost cause… I never done anything right and if dying is me actually doing something right then that I shall do… I’m getting tired of this and just need to be at peace with myself that this is how it is… it’s done all I need is for it to work…

Hey there, We can hear you're in an extremely difficult...

Sophie_M — Fri, 24 Feb 2023 01:52:10 GMT

Hey there, We can hear you're in an extremely difficult space right now. Thank you for sharing this update here - we know it's not easy to share this, you are not a lost cause at all.

We’ve reached out to you privately to offer some support. If you'd like to reach the time directly, you can call or webchat the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 - we'd love to hear from you. At any point if you're feeling unsafe or feeling like you may be unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).

Hopefully, we’ll hear from the community once they spot your post. Its also great to hear you have been engaging with your therapist.

We think it's really great that you could share here, and you never know who will feel less alone because of your post.  Kind regards, Sophie M

Re: Hey there, We can hear you're in an extremely difficult...

Eagle Ray — Fri, 24 Feb 2023 06:12:31 GMT

Hey Kind Soul

I hear you and I know it’s really, really hard right now. You have endured a lot. That feeling of not wanting to be here anymore can feel like a self-protection mechanism to end suffering. But it’s just that you’re utterly overwhelmed right now. It is possible to have different feelings again, and to find things that give you some peace and a sense of meaning and connectivity.

For a while now my mornings are filled with grief and crying in desperation, so I get something of the ongoing struggle you describe. I’m finding in the afternoons I start to connect with a few things that are calming. Then I have perspective and I can look back on the morning and realise although I felt terrible and at the end of my tether then, I can now feel an internal shift. So right now I’m by the river near the river mouth and I’ve just seen dolphins swimming and fishing. There is a beautiful turquoise blue in the water.

I just mention these things wondering if you can connect with something that lifts your spirits, or has done so in the past? Is there an animal you feel a connection with, a favourite colour, the feeling of a cool breeze on a warm day? Even where you are right now, can you feel your feet on the ground, see the colours and shapes of things around you? Sometimes engaging your senses can take you out of the distress you are in, at least to the point that you feel more grounded, stable and reconnected with yourself and your surroundings.

Feelings of hopelessness are a natural response to overwhelm and an accumulation of past struggle and stressful events. It might help to understand that your feelings are understandable, and then have compassion for yourself for what you have been through and the courage you’ve shown in reaching out for help.

Maintaining human contact can really help too, whether it’s your therapist, the BB helpline or whoever you feel might help to contact. If you feel able, something like going to a cafe to have a coffee and just be amongst others can help to shift the energy of aloneness and struggle. It can help to feel more settled and ok again.

Take care and sending you healing thoughts.