topic Re: Brother suicided in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Brother suicided

Littlebro — Sun, 22 Jan 2023 14:44:25 GMT

Hi,

First time I have ever been on this type of platform but I am at a loss. My younger brother took his life 2 weeks ago and I’m not coping. I have been trying to shield my parents as much as possible (i.e. dealing with police, coroner, funeral people etc). I have a very supportive husband and family (including my youngest brother who lives interstate) but have never felt such loss.

Re: Brother suicided

geoff — Sun, 22 Jan 2023 22:38:36 GMT

Hello Littlebro, you are trying your utmost best to protect your parents and I really feel so sorry for the loss of your brother as this must be so difficult to try and cope with and is certainly not an easy feat to try and do.

No one can ever explain why this had to happen and there will be many unanswered questions you keep asking yourself because not knowing how he was feeling or what was going through his mind is definitely a very sad mystery for you.

Can I suggest that both you and your parents seek counselling and this can be done by visiting your GP who will offer you a 'mental health plan' which entitle each of you to 20 Medicare paid sessions to visit a psych and please I really recommend this, then you can cry and ask them the questions you keep asking.

Something like this is so very difficult to cope with and totaly empathise with you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Brother suicided

Fern42 — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 00:27:53 GMT

HI Littlebro,

I can understand the amount of grief that you and your family are presently experiencing. I feel for you all and the loss of your brother. It must be extra difficult taking on the role of organising the coroner, funeral people ect. Your family is very lucky to have someone so supportive in their life that is able to take on that role. I just wanted to suggest contacting griefline for someone to talk too, in the meantime while waiting to possibly organising a mental health plan as suggested by geoff? (If that something you may want to do). It is completely free and you can book a time that suits you 1300845745.

Re: Brother suicided

white knight — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 03:45:02 GMT

Hi, littlebro, welcome

I join with the others to give my condolences to you, your family and friends. My older brother took his life at 26yo in 1978, I was 23 and my sister 18. Like you I had to be strong and organise everything which is now a blur but it also involved police interviews required after such an event. My parents grief was enormous and after 6 months I fell in a heap with my own bottle up grief and at the time I worked shift work as a warder so I was pushed to the limit.

Grief is unavoidable so in a way you can only comfort other people to a "reasonable" level, then take care of yourself. An attitude of "saving the world" will be counterproductive and delay the inevitable.

For your parents, regularly express your resistance to carrying out a similar act which will be one fear they'll have. Pass that onto your brother also. As for your own grief think about ways to channel it like plant a bush or rose as a reminder, a plague or memorial. Writing becomes important.

I've rewritten a poem for you. I hope it helps.

UNDER YOUR BRIM

A daydream over a ponder pie

Of what perfection could be

Then you begin to draw

The perfection that you dream

You draw hands of kindness

Palms of gentle gold

Hands you hoped you'd embrace

When you grow old

You had to get the eyes right

And it took a lot of time

To visualized his compassion

settle for any sign

Finally at drawings end

you was in total reflection

As far as brothers go

mirror of perfection

Then you realized oh my,

As you shaded colour under your brim

That drawing of the perfect brother

Was a sketch of him...

TonyWK

Re: Brother suicided

Mark Z. — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 19:20:42 GMT

Hi Littlebro,

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family must be deeply traumatized. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. It's even harder for your to stay strong and support your family.

Please stay with your family and your parents. Also talk to your close friends if you can. You need a lot of emotional support, it's too heavy.

If you or your family members feel need, professional support is also helpful. It's a good idea to ring Beyondblue hotline for some professional advice.

Hope everything will be better.

Mark

Re: Brother suicided

Littlebro — Tue, 24 Jan 2023 11:37:31 GMT

Hello Geoff,

Firstly, thank you so much for your response. I’m overwhelmed at how many people did respond as I wasn’t actually expecting anything! I’m not sure how to reply to everyone all at once (Fern42, white knight & Mark Z) but I do so very much appreciate each and every one of you taking the time to respond.

I’m glad you brought up the Medicare paid sessions Geoff, I believe these may have been offered to my brother but I don’t think he actually followed through.

I’m actually feeling slightly more “normal” today, managed to focus on work for the first time since it happened but I think it will be a long road and will definitely have a chat to my GP (seeing her on Friday).

Thank you again Geoff 🙂

Re: Brother suicided

Littlebro — Tue, 24 Jan 2023 11:40:56 GMT

Thank you so much Fern42. Hoping you can see my reply to Geoff but if not, I’m very appreciative and thankful for your reply and suggestions. I had not heard of Griefline so thank you for mentioning that. Will have a chat to the GP on Friday.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

Re: Brother suicided

Littlebro — Tue, 24 Jan 2023 12:18:11 GMT

Hi white knight,

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss also. I’m sure even despite the years that have gone by, the pain will always remain but it’s the coping mechanisms that change?

Secondly, your poem was absolutely beautiful and whilst it brought a tear to my eye, it resonated with me.

As did your comment about reassuring my parents. Quite timely actually as Mum sent me a text message today (knowing that I had to give the police a statement this morning). I hadn’t responded to the text and after 5 minutes, she called me and I could hear the panic in her voice. (I hadn’t responded because I hadn’t seen it as was busy with work).

It hadn’t occurred to me that she might think I would contemplate something similar to my brother.

I couldn’t do it to my parents even if I wanted to. I had to tell both Mum and Dad what my brother did (they’re divorced) and I’ve never heard either of them in such agony. They’re in their 70’s and I was worried what affect that type of grief would have on them.

I think the plant/bush is a lovely idea, thank you so much white knight x

Re: Brother suicided

Littlebro — Tue, 24 Jan 2023 12:29:52 GMT

Hi Mark,

Thank you so very much. Thank you also for taking the time to respond.

As mentioned, I’m just overwhelmed at the support and that people did actually reply. I was hesitant about an online forum (I’m not a big social media fan) but this has helped me more than you will ever know.

I’m definitely staying close to family (we’re close anyway). We’re all checking in with each other and Mum and my youngest brother (who lives in Perth) stayed with my husband and I for a week when it all happened.

We do have a lot of support as a family and with friends took thankfully. I just felt I needed to talk to someone/something/somewhere (I don’t mean that to be derogatory in anyway) who was outside that circle as I still need to be strong, especially for my Mum. She has been through enough.

Thank you again Mark x

Re: Brother suicided

Mark Z. — Tue, 24 Jan 2023 18:35:28 GMT

Hi Littlebro,

You are more than welcome to share your feeling here. And we are happy to know that our words helped you a little bit. No one can get through this easily, just hope you and your family feel a little better now.

Mark

Re: Brother suicided

Littlebro — Thu, 26 Jan 2023 16:53:54 GMT

Thank you Mark. Thanks to everyone who has responded as well, it means a lot. Will be a long time before we can come to terms with this as a family but it’s just so reassuring to know that there is support out there.

Re: Brother suicided

Junior1962 — Sat, 28 Jan 2023 23:28:18 GMT

Hi Littlebro

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. The pain must be unimaginable.

Just wanted to back up the recommendations for calling Griefline. I volunteered there a few years ago - as a telephone counsellor. All the counsellors do training in loss and grief. They are well supported and well equipped to support you at those moments when you are really struggling. All their calls are anonymous - so you don't have to give out any identifying information. I don't know if their hours have changed but it used to be 12noon until 3am.

They may also be able to give you information about who to speak to regarding face-to-face counselling. Psychologists don't have training in loss and grief (I have a post grad - 4th yr - in pyschology). A grief counsellor is better. Psychologists CAN help with you other issues that may arise as a result of your traumatic experience.

I wish you all the best.

Re: Brother suicided

Littlebro — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 11:43:45 GMT

Thank you Junior1962.

I appreciate the advice and had never heard of Griefline until this forum. It sounds like the perfect avenue should I need it so thank you.

Was going ok for a bit (have my moments) but received the phone call today to say my little brother’s ashes were ready. Thought I was prepared for that but I wasn’t and not sure I ever will be.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond xxx

Re: Brother suicided

Junior1962 — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 08:52:34 GMT

We are never prepared for how grief affects us. It’s not just a few emotions. It is an adaptive process.
People typically go through waves where they are really struggling with their loss - interspersed with times when they are perfectly okay. This is normal.
Also there is no right or wrong way to grieve. No two people are alike so no two grief processes will be alike - although there are patterns.
The point is - just go with it. And If you need someone to talk to - there are options.
You have this forum. You have Griefline. Or you could engage with a grief counsellor.

Re: Brother suicided

Littlebro — Wed, 08 Feb 2023 14:33:11 GMT

Hi white knight, I hope you don’t mind me contacting you again.

I’ve kept from Mum how my brother actually took his life ( my Uncle suggested it wouldn’t be good to tell her and as she didn’t ask, I didn’t volunteer any information).

She is now asking questions and I’m not sure whether it’s in her best interest to tell her?

Re: Brother suicided

Junior1962 — Thu, 09 Feb 2023 06:36:27 GMT

Hi Littlebro

Your Mum needs to grieve in her own way. Part of that means knowing how your brother died. I know you want to protect her and I appreciate why but she really does have a right to know.

An important consideration here is that the psyche protects us from the anxiety - until it is ready to deal with it. If she is asking, then she is ready to know.
I hope that helps.

Junior

Re: Brother suicided

Littlebro — Thu, 09 Feb 2023 13:38:11 GMT

Thank you Junior.

I know she has a right to know and it was hard enough telling her he took his life a few weeks ago. This will be a whole new world of grief for her and I’m just worried she won’t handle it. Mum has herself convinced he died a certain way but to tell her the whole truth will haunt her forever.

Re: Brother suicided

Junior1962 — Fri, 10 Feb 2023 11:47:22 GMT

Hi Little

I understand your desire to protect your mother. You don’t want her to suffer any more pain. It shows that you love her and this is commendable. However, for her to be able to grieve properly, remembering that grief is adaptive she does need to know the truth.

Another consideration is your relationship with her. When we share in each other’s pain, no matter how hard it may be, this is when we share intimacy. That is, we feel incredibly close. There is comfort in that. In the shared pain. And it can make your relationship with each other closer.
On the other hand, what if you don’t tell her how your brother took his own life - and she finds out from someone else.? How will that make her feel? How will you feel?

It is your decision, of course, and I respect that. I just want you to think about these alternatives. It’s a very difficult topic for anyone. Especially in a society where suicide is still a taboo subject

Re: Brother suicided

Littlebro — Mon, 27 Feb 2023 16:05:47 GMT

Hi Junior1962,

Sorry I haven’t replied before now. I took a bit of time out trying to get all of this through my head. I’m ready to tell Mum (when she asks), but not ready to volunteer the information. I know how she processes things and it’s a “bury the head in the sand” approach.

If she asks, I will tell her and to be honest, I want to tell her as I feel as though I’m hiding something. I just don’t want to bring it up until she asks me as then I know she will be ready.

I received a 2nd Death Certificate today. Wasn’t sure why but this one had the cause of death on it.

And you are quite right on the fact that suicide is a taboo subject.

The silence from so called “friends” is deafening. That unfortunately includes extended family as well.

My youngest brother’s wife (nasty piece of work) has been no support at all to my brother and that worries me as he is so far away from the rest of our family.

If someone passes away from old age it seems to be different. A family loses someone to suicide and everyone is silent, almost as though it hasn’t happened.

Re: Brother suicided

Junior1962 — Sun, 05 Mar 2023 03:48:20 GMT

Hi Littlebro

No need to apologise. You are dealing with an incredibly painful and no doubt bewildering situation. I’m not on the forums much anymore now anyway, as I have recovered from my own recent MH issues.
I have no doubt that the silence from friends and family is because they simply don’t know how to talk about suicide. They don’t want to say anything that might upset you so they don’t say anything at all. The sad part is that it can make you feel alone and isolated at a time when you really need people to be there for you. It’s not in any way the same, but I found the same thing when I went through repeated failures of IVF treatment. Friends thought physical death was more painful. How does one rank grief?

When you feel ready, I would encourage you to seek counselling support. This thing is too big for one person alone.