topic Re: can't take it anymore in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

can't take it anymore

redroses — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 02:58:28 GMT

i'm having such a hard time lately. i had some person in the uk who i thought was a good close friend of mine. there were so many red flags that i didn't see - they didn't show me what they looked like & when i politely asked them they kept making excuses like "so what if i am an old creepy man, it wouldn't make a difference?" & things like that. i get being insecure but she knew what i looked like. i knew her name & age but that's all. i started talking to her on a blogging website because we both liked rock & metal music, old british sitcoms/comedies etc. she was also a violent person as she told me she's beaten people up before in real life. & she shares what she calls "art" which is violent things of blood, people being hurt etc. i should've cut ties with her then. we had an argument because she told me she was going to be there on a certain day after christmas & then she sends me a message an hour before we talk (used to be 3am for me but then 4am because of daylight savings over there) & her message wasn't even apologetic, it was like she typed up some excuse & copied & pasted it to avoid me. i kept apologising to her & admitting my mistakes, trying to work things out for both of us. i liked talking to her because we had inside jokes, we talked about things in common, we roleplayed which i enjoyed (stuff like fanfiction, so we'd act as the characters in a show we both liked & do romance, funny stuff, drama, etc). it made me happy. she was threatening to me although she can't do anything. i'm so hurt & upset by this & i feel so stupid & regretful that i ever joined & talked to her. i can't afford therapy. idk if my meds are working. i just stay up late & sleep in late & my parents get annoyed with me, i understand why but i don't feel like doing anything like going out of the house anymore, i haven't for months, even when i was on good terms with her. she said good things about me like she doesn't want to lose me but she cut ties with me yesterday saying she wants nothing to do with me. accuses me of stuff i never said & did, calls me a narcissist, manipulative, & other hurtful things. i'm in a group online which is for mental health suffers worldwide of all ages trying to support each other in a friendly environment. but i post & they seem to get ignored, like my comments, even when i put trigger warnings. but everyone else's, even worse posts, get approved. i get they're busy. i get left on read & avoided by everyone. i wish i was never born.

Re: can't take it anymore

Croix — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 11:32:12 GMT

Dear Talya~

It's good to hear from you again even if the circumstances are not great.

I guess the first thing to say is I've talked with you here over a fair while and I can easily see there is no way you would be unkind or inconsiderate to anyone. If someone says that about you it is reflection entirely on them.

I agree it is a great pity you thought you had found someone with the same interests - British comedy allows great scope for role-playing - and then to find out they deliberately were hurtful. It's probably no bad thing your contact has ended, after all you tried hard, and would probably keep on trying ot make the 'friendship' work. As for wanting to know what someone looks like I can't see any harm in asking at all -if you want to know what I look like have a peek at my avatar -it's a pretty close resemblance, but with shorter teeth:)

I don't know why your posts might be omitted, does the site have any mechanism for feedback? On this one you can be guided by the moderators, and ask (gently) if you do not understand something

I can quite understand if violent 'art' is repugnant, it is a far cry from 'Yes Minister' or 'Heartbeat'. Fortunately British comedy attracts a large fan-base and I'm sure you will team up with others over time.

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 14:11:02 GMT

hi croix, thanks for replying. it's nice to hear from you too, i've been meaning to go back onto your croix parlour thread.

thank you for the kind words, it means a lot. you're a lovely person too. the roleplaying is what i miss the most, because no one else really knows how to do it and wants to, and it's not the same. we roleplayed as the characters from yes (prime) minister but in a romantic way, funny stuff, drama, etc and we added other characters like their parents. it made me happy and she told me it made her happy too. so i'm so confused, she says good things and then turns around and does that?

it started because she told me on december 23 she'd be back on a certain day and i said ok, didn't message her at all during that time. she messages me on the day she was going to come back an hour before we normally talk saying she can't be here and i regret getting annoyed because i shouldn't have but it was like she thought of excuses and wrote it and copied and pasted it to avoid me.

its so confusing, she says to me when we've had small petty arguments before that i shouldn't dwell on it, that we should move on and we shouldn't end on bad terms. i didn't say and do anything that bad to her. i admitted i was clingy and did and said the wrong things, i apologised endlessly, tried my best to respect her and her space, tried my best to work on things, tried to come to an agreement with her like talking on a certaint day. i feel so guilty and regretful. it's my fault, i admitted that. but she was playing games and was hurtful.

my parents told me i should never have talked to her and cut ties with her ages ago. i didn't keep talking to her to defy and disrespect them, i was on good terms with her then.

it's also hard for me to watch things like that and other things with the actors because it reminds me of her. god it just hurts so much. and i've lost 3 other friendships, one with someone from primary school i haven't talked to in 5 years i connected with again to be cut off, one on another site and another on the same site i talked to this girl on just because she told me it's tiresome for her to talk in english as she's from overseas but all of her posts except from one account are in english, and she was harsh too. like excuse me, that's not my fault. sigh.

Re: can't take it anymore

Croix — Tue, 24 Jan 2023 11:26:26 GMT

Dear Talya~

"and we added other characters like their parents". I shudder to think what Sir Humphrey's parents were like, the same self-satisfied smirk I expect:)

Actually the times I've role-played it has been thanks to a strong DM that the whole thing hung together, not so much relations between the players, though that tended to be OK too.

When on-line I'm not sure you can get to know people very well, you only see one part of them, and that may not make for a strong bond, they may stop being there and the reasons they give may be easy to say rather than accurate.

I"m not sure that apologizing too much is doing you any good, it lets you feel it's somehow your fault, and I'd be sure it is not the case. If someone you are depending on suddenly gives a quick excuse and goes to vanish it's only natural to feel disappointing and angry. You may have invested a lot in waiting, and it's come to nothing. Can leave one feeling adrift.

You know the role characters so well I'd expect you'd make it fun to play. I hope things settle down for you

Croix

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Tue, 24 Jan 2023 14:38:31 GMT

hi croix.

yes we did stuff like bernard's parents who were crazy. it was fun and funny. i asked someone i know over here that i haven't met who is older and likes the same shows if they wanted to try and roleplay but they don't want to. no one else knows how to and wants to. it's probably childish but it helped me and it made me happy, i looked forward to it. it's like escapism i guess. i can still imagine things in my head but it's not the same.

yes that's true. it's just not really fair because i showed her what i looked like but she wouldn't do the same and made excuses, its odd. i get being insecure but so am i and i did that for her. it just puts you at ease i guess.

you're right but it was my fault. if i didn't say i felt avoided when she told me she couldn't be there on that day and kept messaging her and whatnot then it wouldn't have started perhaps. i did and said the wrong things, i tried to work on that and learn and apologise. i tried to make it work and make compromises like give her space and talk next month. i didn't mean to be so clingy and suffocate her.

i dont know if i was toxic, if she was, or both. i think both. i didn't mean to be and would never intentionally be toxic. it's just so confusing, traumatic and hurtful. i feel so heartbroken, guilty, etc.

Re: can't take it anymore

Croix — Wed, 25 Jan 2023 11:15:00 GMT

Dear Talya~

I cna see you being worried and anxious, but in no way toxic, it's not in you. You have to remember an easy way out is to blame the other person -which is you in this case. While there is a great temptation to blame/second-guess yourself, I guess the best way out of that might be to be occupied by something fresh. A break might help get your mind off things

I can understand the difficulties in finding others who know the original Yes (Prime) Minister which ran from 1980-1988 -a fair while ago. Still one avenue I don't know if you have tried is to find people in places where fan fiction is written and published on the net. If you Google 'Yes Minister Fanfic' I'm sure you will ind a fair bit - a lot is not in English so you have to look though a few. I found some straight away.

It may well be an author or reader might like to roleplay. It might require a bit of patience on your part to make the right contacts.

Please let me know how you go

Croix

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Wed, 25 Jan 2023 13:21:10 GMT

hi Croix. that group i mentioned in the post, i got banned from for no reason. i followed the rules, put trigger warnings on posts. other people have made posts asking for friends and sharing their interests which is all i did. they said i was asking for personal info, i wasn't and wouldn't do that. i shared my interests, that i'm from australia and my age, which is ok to do. i said it would help to have people who liked the same things but it didn't matter. i'm more upset about this girl in the uk.

i've been meaning to read the fanfics. that site i talked to that girl on have most of the people that have written them, like one who got mad at me because i don't speak foreign. and it's not the same as roleplaying with her. it was special and unique. i like the way she came up with ideas and how she did it. i felt i had something special. i was happier.

the helplines i've talked to and other forums like peer support workers have told me to try contacting her again. i reckon my psychiatrist will too, because it's stuff left urepaired and it made me happy, but i'll be more weary of my behaviour and if she's mean i'll step back or something.

i wish she'd believe me i'm not lying. i'm really scared if i contact her again. she has my email address. i only have her usernames on that site, nothing else. i was only messaging her a lot trying to fix things, not smother her and be toxic. i admitted the stuff i did wrong, i apologised endlessly.

i just feel so hurt, confused, heartbroken.

Re: can't take it anymore

Croix — Thu, 26 Jan 2023 11:36:50 GMT

Dear Talya~

Unlike this place most forums do not have professional clinicians to vet posts, so it often comes down to amateurs, and that can lead to all sorts of inconsistencies. Setting out what you are looking for in a role playing partner is not the same thing as prying into someones identity - I think you were simply unlucky.

Maybe that particular forum is not going to be your cup of tea (Earl Grey if Sir Humphrey is drinking it:).

I'd be in two minds about contacting that person again, true you had times when you were enjoying the contact, however there are obviously other times when at the very least you did not see eye to eye - and as you say that can hurt a lot.

Perhaps it might be question of having two strings ot your bow, maybe trying ot contact her again, but at the same time look for now separate avenues. What do you think, is that possible?

Have you ever considered writing fanfic yourself? You certainly have the background knowledge and if you role-play you have the imagination. It might make a change, you never know.

Croix

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Thu, 26 Jan 2023 13:49:05 GMT

hi Croix.

i contacted her again. i shouldn't have, i know. it's not that i want to annoy her, disrespect her and make her feel stalked and suffocated, i don't. i messaged saying i wasn't lying about anything, apologising again, and said professional helplines, and a professional on another forum told me to get back into contact with her, i sent her a screenshot of that person's reply telling me to do that so she didn't think i was lying although she probably still will. i said that they want it to work out for both of us and they need it to. and that's the truth. my psychiatrist would say the same i think. but i can't show her that because i see him on video chat and that's breaking patient confidentiality. but helplines said the same thing too. i'm not trying to disrespect her or my parents. it's just eating me up and i had a breakdown. i keep crying, that and from bad sinus pain. i booked a gp appointment but can't get in until feb 10, the one in my town even longer. and then if they refer me to an ent doctor which i'm hoping they will, that would take even longer for them to go through the referral and make me an appointment. i'm scared i might need surgery, i hope not.

my dog hasn't been well either, he's 12 or 13 in human years i think, i'm not 100% sure. he's still pretty fit but he's had an upset stomach and hasn't been himself. so i've been trying to give him lots of affection. i'm so stressed about this girl, my dog, my sinus. everything is just going wrong. i've thought about writing fanfiction but i've never done it before, roleplaying is different because her and i just thought of stuff on the spot really. i wish she'd trust me, forgive me and start fresh.

i asked her if we can make a deal to talk on feb 10 so she can have her space still, hopefully she'll forgive me and we can be friends again and go back to what we had, and that if i mess up this chance then i'll get out of her life for good, although i'll do all i can not to ruin it.

Re: can't take it anymore

mmMekitty — Fri, 27 Jan 2023 06:29:27 GMT

Hi Tealflowers (LRC grins, "Found you!")

It’ wonderful that you found someone you could play the roleplaying game with. Although the other stuff is of concern. Mind, I’m so very wary of online social sites & the possibilities for some people to do a lot of harm via these sites.

That’s why there are strict rules here on BB about keeping personal info ‘general’ or not mentioned at all, no selfie can be your picture, you can’t use your name, & maybe not a great idea to use even your first name. & no exchange of personal email addresses, phone numbers, or links to some other private site via this.

These are boundaries set to protect us & all other users. I think they are great rules/boundaries we can apply to our dealings online with others.

If you choose to contact her again, I’d advise setting boundaries like thee.

You could say, you are not comfortable having a personal relationship, so could we keep this contact about the roleplaying games? If she can agree, see how it goes. If she can’t keep to the agreement, you will once again find yourself feeling uncomfortable, & for your mental health, you may choose to stop again. Same goes if you find you can’t keep to your own boundaries with her.

I’d would love if you can find people who you can play roleplaying games with, without making yourself vulnerable to anything disturbing or harmful.

You don’t need to follow exactly what I would. Before Feb 10, think about the kind of relationship you want with her, what are the topics which are acceptable & what is not, (write it all down), & if you want to make specific times for contacting each other.

& please, don’t send photos of yourself. Once someone else has them you cannot control what they might do with them.

While you could be happy doing roleplaying, try to not be concerned about what she looks like. Awful thing is, if she sent a photo you cannot be sure it is of herself anyway.

I hope you don’t have to wait too long to get the sinus problem dealt with. I once had an infection in my nose & that was pretty bad, but yours sounds worse... so yeah, I hope that can be dealt with soon.

I am sorry to hear your dog is unwell. Has he seen a vet?

Hugzies to you & your dog

mmMekitty

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Fri, 27 Jan 2023 09:14:54 GMT

hi mmMekitty.

we were just good friends, not a relationship. i contacted her again, no replies and i haven't been blocked yet. i try not to share personal info either but i guess on other social media sites it's different.

i wish she'd give me another chance, i'm not trying to be pushy or suffocate her or anything bad. i just want the friendship to work for both of our sakes.

my dog seems better now, he didn't go to a vet, just had an upset stomach.

Re: can't take it anymore

mmMekitty — Sat, 28 Jan 2023 12:38:29 GMT

Hi Tealflowers

That's great news about your dog. I'm so glad it wasn't serious.

Friendships are relationships too, One type of relationship. Another type of relationship is the one you have with your father. You have another type of relationship with your doctor. I had not intended to say there was anything more between the two of you. I'm sorry there was this misunderstanding.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Sat, 28 Jan 2023 13:28:46 GMT

it's okay mmMekitty, you didn't do anything wrong.

i messaged her a couple days ago explaining and trying to fix the friendship, sent her proof since she thinks i'm a liar, i'm not. she still hasn't replied and hasn't blocked me. idk if she's seen them as the site it's on doesn't tell you if they've read it.

i just want her forgiveness and to be friends again, for her sake and mine. she shared something of an actor we both like looking sad and with a blank look on their face, she said "mood". i know it's because of me, i said that to her, and i said we need to communicate. i sent her proof that professionals have said this too, except for my psychiatrist as i can't prove that as it's on video chat but i'm not lying to her.

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Sun, 29 Jan 2023 11:47:00 GMT

still haven't heard from her. i sent her some messages a few days ago on that site we talk on, i had to make another account. i'm not stalking or trying to harrass her or make her annoyed or anything bad. i'm trying to repair the friendship for both of our sakes. i miss her so much and i'm worried about her. she did say she didn't want anything to do with me and called me a liar, i've never lied to her and i have no reason to, and never would. idk if she said that in the heat of the moment or what. she shared something about an actor we both like, screenshots from a role he was in, with a sad blank looking expression on his face & she said "mood". i messaged her saying i feel the same & i hope we can work things out, i just want to talk things over, not argue anymore. it's been going on since december 23. i said & did things i shouldn't have from being hurt, confused & upset. maybe she did too, idk. she's been posting but on that site you can schedule/queue your posts for a certain time. idk if she's been online as she has the "show when you're active" thing off. it doesn't say if she's read my messages or not. she hasn't blocked me yet. idk if this is a good or bad thing. i only want to be her friend. i'm so confused & hurt & worried about her.

Re: can't take it anymore

Croix — Sun, 29 Jan 2023 12:42:19 GMT

Dear Talya~

I might guess that by now if she wanted to get back in touch she would have. That is not necessarily a reason to be downhearted, there are umpteen reasons why a person stops conversing, and the chance are it is something in their own lives rather than you, so please don't either blame yourself or cling to hard to this probably ended realtionship, it makes life worse keeping on waiting for something that may never happen

I was pleased to see you other post and thing it would be a good move

Croix

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Sun, 29 Jan 2023 13:14:51 GMT

hi Croix, it's Tayla btw but i figured they were just typos so it's okay.

idk, she may not have been on that site but scheduling her posts like i said. it was odd though, some account messaged my friends (different person) instagram as i told her it was that friend messaging her not me although she thinks i'm a liar. then she gets a message on her instagram saying i think someone's impersonating my friend. that girl, my friend and i are the only ones that know about her username to talk to that girl on that site so it might be her. i asked my friend to message to see if it is. i have an instagram account but i don't use it, and i'd probably tell her on my account that it's me. so i guess we'll see if she replies to my friend.

i want this friendship to stay because we both enjoyed it, i'm just confused. we're both hurting and it isn't getting us anywhere.

Re: can't take it anymore

Croix — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 11:50:27 GMT

Dear Tayla~

Sorry about that , I pick up a lot of typos in every post I make but did not see that one so it continued wiht every paste from the last post, no reflection on my regard for you, just me not getting things right:(

Frankly you have lost me, with talk of scheduled posts and a possible impersonation. I guess as this is the only forum I use that tends to leave me without familiarity how other things work. At least you can be sure there are no impersonations here, not unless someone else actually knows your username and password (or oyu leave your computer running unattended.) Actually I don't think I've ever read any post of yours here that did not have your personality on it, so I'm sure it's never happened.

It's a great pity the person who you sat comfortably with for role-playing is not answering. It can leave quite a big gap in life. I don't suppose the friend you mentioned today is interested?

I quite understand you would be happier if either I or someone else made that new British TV/Comedy thread, I'm afraid I'm not up to it. As you can (obviously ) see I'm making enough mistakes already and really need to spend even more time on what I'm doing now so important mistakes like that don't happen again.

I rather suspect if you are like me when I first started it is a matter of confidence, and if you are uncomfortable there is nothing wrong with shelving the idea, it's only meant to be for enjoyment after all.

Croix

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 12:01:51 GMT

no worries Croix.

scheduled posts on this site mean you can schedule/queue the post so it will post at certain times. for example you can set it so it posts at 9AM, or just queue it so the site does it randomly for you. you can do this if you want to post but won't be online. impersonation i mean she said that my friend who messaged her (only trying to get things to work out between us) was being impersonated, like someone was pretending to be her. they weren't, it was my friend, not somebody else, who messaged the girl in the uk. so idk where she got that from, cause there's nobody impersonating anyone. i certainly would never pretend to be someone else & break the law in any way, neither would this friend who messaged her.

so what i'm saying is this girl in the uk messaged my friend saying she thinks someone is impersonating her. my friend said no it was her & no one is impersonating her. waiting to hear back from her to see if it is the girl in the uk. i haven't heard anything from her on the site i talked to her on, haven't been blocked yet either. so i mean maybe she's just been scheduling posts but hasn't been online. normally she would've replied by now & snapped at me.

maybe she said things out of hurt & anger like i did, idk really. no the friend who messaged her isn't interested, we do talk about things like AYBS & Y(P)M & DF, but not like roleplaying. it was a coping mechanism for me i guess, idk.

you didn't mke any mistakes Croix it's okay. i might make a thread about that later, we'll see.

Re: can't take it anymore

redroses — Tue, 31 Jan 2023 11:50:06 GMT

i'm feeling quite miserable, confused & whatnot over all of this. i assume it was her (the girl in the UK) that messaged my friend on Instagram, as she sent her screenshots of the chat, which was my friend all along, not me. i would never pretend to be someone else let alone a friend of mine. my friend replies to her saying no one was impersonating her & that it was her all along, sent proof, was polite to her trying to work things out with us. that was on Jan 21. she still hasn't replied to her Instagram messages, idk if she's seen them as i don't think Instagram has a feature where you can see if your messages have been read or not, the site that i talked to the girl in the UK originally doesn't. i still haven't heard from her myself & haven't been blocked but she keeps posting, i think she's scheduling/queuing her posts though to post at certain times of the day/night. it's not fair. she said good things about me when were on good terms. i guess she was lying & never felt that way about me. idk what to believe. i'm still worried something's happened to her regardless. idk what to do.

Re: can't take it anymore

Croix — Tue, 31 Jan 2023 12:15:47 GMT

Dear Tayla~

Well, I'm glad you were kind about my typo. And also thanks for the explanation. I know I can tell Outlook to send emails at a particular time and day, but did not realise you could do it in some forums too.

Also if this person thinks thay may have been impersonated it may be her memory is patchy and genuinely does not remember everything she wrote. This can happen of course. I can put down my phone and not find it, even had to ring it from another phone before now and only when I trace it by the ringing do I remeber 'oh yes, I did put it htere'. It's only one step from that to not remembering at all

I'm pleased your friend likes AYBS the same as you. I always appreciate "young" Mr Grace waving his walking stick and and saying "You've all done very well"

Now I must be having another mental blank, I can't remember a show with the initials DF. I'm sure when you remind me I'm be amazed how obvious it was:).

Incidentally I read you comments (Ta) and agree that Mmekitty is pretty good (but don't tell her)!

Croix