topic TW: Depression, Self harm and SI in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

Lozza90 — Sat, 14 Jan 2023 09:19:49 GMT

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel completely and utterly broken. I feel like there is this deep emptiness inside and I just don't feel anything. I've been battling some really intense and intrusive thoughts and I just don't feel like I have any fight left inside of me. All I can think about is hurting myself...or 'worse'... my mind won't stop...

Because what's the point in carrying on when I feel like this and it isn't shifting....I'm sick of dealing with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd....overall, I'm sick of dealing with myself...

😨

Re: TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

therising — Sat, 14 Jan 2023 22:16:15 GMT

Hi Lozza

To say it's tough when you reach a whole new level of depression is a massive understatement. Whether this is the first time or you've felt it before, I'm sure you can relate to how overwhelming it is, how unbelievably exhausting and soul destroying it feels. I feel for you so deeply as you face this deeply deeply challenging level. I've found the only way to manage this level is by not doing it alone. I'm so glad you came here as a way of managing.

Wondering if you already have the beginnings of a much needed circle of people. While myself and the others who I'm sure will come in here could be a part of that circle, is there a psychologist and/or a family member who's proven themself to be a reliable go to person in the past? Perhaps there's a friend who's always been able to lead you out of the inner dialogue or perhaps they lead you to make better sense of it. Maybe there's someone on a website you occasionally visit, who throws some wisdom and/or guidance your way, in ways that you can relate to. What does your circle look like? Do you need to begin developing one? Personally, I can't live without people who lead me to a difference when I find myself facing what's deeply depressing for me.

Could be wrong but I imagine you're a feeler, someone who can feel their thoughts, feel memories and internal dialogue. I imagine you can feel your nervous system through the things that cause you great stress. Perhaps you can feel what people say to you as well as feeling their inaction when you desperately need people to take action in leading you out of such dark times. I imagine you can feel a sense of hopelessness through a lack of answers when it comes to all the questions you desperately need answers to. There is so much that can be felt if you're a true feeler. I've found that connecting with others who are feeling their way through life is key. Those who can feel what up, down and neutral (nothingness) feels like means connecting with people who can feel where you're at. The ability to feel has both a light and dark side to it. The darker side can prove incredibly depressing at times. When you can feel no one making a difference it can be so deeply depressing.

It is all getting too much

Lozza90 — Fri, 20 Jan 2023 10:27:59 GMT

Trust me, I have been trying to push myself to keep going, but I am running on empty. I've spoken to my psychologist, another therapist, my GP, my case manager....but none of them are actually providing any (or much support)....well maybe, my psychologist, but I don't see her that often and with things worsening for me....I'm worried that I'm going to end up giving into these SI thoughts.

I've become so much more overwhelmed in my mind and i can't focus on anything. I feel heightened constantly. My bpd and ptsd symptoms have worsened lately and I cannot cope. All of these things make me not want to be here at all. I want it all to stop. I know I can only control what goes on inside of me, but that's the problem...all the things that go on inside of me....and I can't control them. I don't sit here asking to be reminded of traumatic events or feel like I'm being watched.

I can't do this anymore. It is all too much. I feel like I'm running on limited time.

Dear Lozza90 Welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums, we...

Sophie_M — Fri, 20 Jan 2023 11:00:13 GMT

Dear Lozza90

Welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums, we are glad you had the bravery to post. We want to let you know that we are reaching out to you privately also to offer you some additional support this evening.

We can hear just how trapped and powerless you are feeling at the moment, it can be hard to think of a future when you cannot see a way out of your current situation but please keep in touch with your support network and remember your safety is the priority here.

In addition to speaking with your support network, we would love for you to give one of our fully trained counsellors a call for some counselling support. Our counsellors are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.

As we mentioned, we can hear these thoughts and feelings are intense for you so please know that our lovely friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there for you whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

Thank you again for reaching out, we will leave you in the hands of our lovely community members who will be here on your thread soon. Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards

Sophie M

I'm runnin' out of time, I need a doctor...

Lozza90 — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 02:44:53 GMT

Why is it then when I have a brief moment of wanting to help myself and I go to a Dr that I get no help - i just get ignored. It seems to be hard to communicate to them, that if I don't get help, I am going to spiral down to a point where there is no coming back. I held onto hope that maybe something would shift and I would get some help, but nope. So now I'm left with feeling even more lost. I don't want this life to continue if it is just going to be like this. It's a cycle that rather than going round and round is just going down, down, down. I am at rock bottom. doctors, case managers, mental health clinicians, none of them care or get it....I can't cope anymore! I'm done!!

Hey there Lozza, Thank you for your bravery and openness...

Sophie_M — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 02:56:22 GMT

Hey there Lozza,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing this update with us. We can hear you're coping with a difficult cycle and feeling lost, but we think sharing this here is an amazing action to have taken.

We’ve reached out to you privately to check in and thank you for sharing with the community here. Please consider reaching out for some more immediate support by following the steps above, or by calling the Beyond Blue on 1300 22 463. The counsellors there are super kind and supportive, they’re understanding and can be good to talk to right in the midst of these feelings, or at any moment so that you can work out your next steps in getting more support together with them on the phone. You can also reach them via webchat 24/7, here.

Since you mentioned having thoughts about ending your life, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm, this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone

Thanks again for sharing a bit more about what's going on for you, Lozza. It takes bravery and openness to share this, and we're here for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: It is all getting too much

therising — Sun, 05 Feb 2023 20:28:33 GMT

Hi Lozza90

Makes life so much harder when our 'go to' people can't relate to what we're experiencing, when they can't feel our overwhelming challenges and emotions for themselves.

While the mental health system can offer great support, if you want to know where it's broken ask someone who relies on it. You can have a great psychologist who's stretched thin (a fault in the system). While they can be helping get to the bottom of everything that deeply challenges you, you can only see them occasionally. So, what happens when a lot of stuff starts surfacing in between visits? You can be left trying to make sense of so much on your own.

While I've never faced the intense challenges that come with PTSD, what I have noticed in managing the ins and outs of depression over the years is how much I feel my interactions with people. If someone intends to ignore what I struggle with, as opposed to helping me manage, I'll feel it. If someone intends to belittle my emotions, I'll feel it. If someone's self serving, I'll feel that. Waking up to being able to sense someone's intention and nature has been helpful. With practice, you come to read people.

Took me years to wake up to the fact some folk in my life are depressing. Up 'til then, I always believed there was something wrong with me. When I woke up, I was shocked. For example, while my husband may come to me on occasion and ask 'Are you okay?'. Sometimes I've been honest in saying 'I can feel myself becoming down and I can't figure out why'. While 'Let's work out why, together' would be an ideal response, his response has almost always been 'I hate hearing that, it upsets me because I love you so much'. Then he walks off. He manages not being upset by leaving me alone while the tv takes his mind off how upset I am. What the hell?! True love is where you feel another's pain and do all you can to lead them out of it.

One key thing I've learned about managing my mental health is the so called 'normal' people can be highly questionable. Their logic at times can be insane.

On my own

Lozza90 — Thu, 09 Feb 2023 00:26:09 GMT

This life is so lonely and I feel like I'm on my own dealing with this. I don't see a point in me sticking around. There is no light at the end of this tunnel...it's just a black hole and it's sucking me in....it's all too tempting to end this....nobody else cares and so it doesn't matter if I am here or not....

Hey Lozza, Thank you for sharing this update. We're sorr...

Sophie_M — Thu, 09 Feb 2023 00:57:29 GMT

Hey Lozza,

Thank you for sharing this update. We're sorry to hear you're dealing with loneliness and feeling unsupported while coping with these thoughts of ending it. We're reaching out to you privately to offer some more immediate support. If you'd prefer to reach out to them directly, our counsellors are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.

Please know that our lovely friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there for you whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with, and if you're unable to stay safe the number to call is 000.

We hope the words of the community here on our thread provide some comfort to you. It's such a powerful thing to share here, and we're really grateful to you for letting the community hear what's going on for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: On my own

therising — Thu, 09 Feb 2023 19:15:02 GMT

Hi Lozza

Would your psychologist provide you with some time for an emergency session? If they're the only person who you feel is able to make some difference for you, sounds like reaching out to them could be one of the ways to cope with such brutal overwhelm. I've discovered over time some emotions are impossible to manage alone.

Do you know what it is that's really stirred everything up, more than ever before perhaps? All the horrible murky stuff can sit well below the surface. It can sit and sit for the longest time before something stirs it up. Suddenly it starts to impact every part of your life. Making sense of it all, clearing it up, becomes the push. Is there a part of you that desperately wants things made clearer, while another parts of you is just so exhausted and just doesn't want to do this anymore? While clarity can't change the past, it can change how you perceive yourself in relation to the past. For example, 'Based on my past, my moods shifts are understandable and even justified to some degree. My triggers make complete sense and it's understandable why I'm so enraged by people and this world. It's understandable why I hold so much resentment. Every emotion I experience is telling and every feeling I express is a valid expression. I'm sick (because) of people expecting me to suppress my deep long held rage and sadness'.

Hopeless

Lozza90 — Fri, 10 Feb 2023 00:22:51 GMT

My depression has got the better of me and I'm struggling to hold on. My family don't and don't want to understand, which hurts so much. I feel so alone and don't know who I can go to for help anymore. I feel very isolated and pressured to do well. But I'm not. It feels like it would be easier to just never wake up. I don't want to be this person and I don't want this life anymore. I don't know what else I can do. Its a nightmare and exhausting. I don't have the energy anymore.

Hey Lozza, Thank you for sharing an update. We're sorry...

Sophie_M — Fri, 10 Feb 2023 01:20:10 GMT

Hey Lozza,

Thank you for sharing an update. We're sorry to hear you're feeling alone and struggling to hold on. It sounds like an incredibly difficult time, so we are reaching out to privately to offer our support.

It's so important to reach out when you're feeling alone this way. Maybe you'd like to share here whether there are any professional supports you could connect with, such as the psychologist you've mentioned in the past, or perhaps the GP or case manager? If you're not sure who to contact, our team here at the Beyond Blue Support Service are always here for you. We're on 1300 22 4636 or online here.

Thanks again for sharing here, Lozza. As therising has said, coming here [to the Forums] as a way of managing and holding on is an incredibly powerful action. We're here if you are comfortable to keep sharing what's going on for you, and what might help.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Hopeless

therising — Fri, 10 Feb 2023 07:58:05 GMT

Hi Lozza

Wondering whether your family have given you reasons for not wanting to better understand so many of the challenges you face. I can't help but wonder when it comes to those who have the ability to make a difference to us but choose not to for some reason. Why people choose not to develop abilities and skills in helping us is something else I wonder about.

It's definitely frustrating, putting it mildly, when those who we rely on to care for us just don't appear to care, based on their words and behaviour. I can relate when I think of someone close to me who likes to use the analogy 'Up and down like a dunny seat' when it comes to the shifts in my mood at times. The things people say and don't say (that we really need them to say) can be significant triggers that can shift our entire mood. After they've said triggering things, the blame can be put onto us for reacting the way we do. When you feel heartbreaking words, it's hard for your mood not to shift. Sometimes you gotta wonder why people can't feel what they say. What's wrong with them? I much prefer the company of deeply feeling people.

Not coping

Lozza90 — Sun, 12 Feb 2023 00:52:51 GMT

I've been trying to push back at these thoughts, but to be honest, I don't think I want to push back anymore.

Re: Not coping

white knight — Sun, 12 Feb 2023 04:22:04 GMT

Hi, welcome,

I'm sorry to hear that. This site is totally anonymous and you can type away, tell us more if you dont feel pressured.

Many of us here have been where you are now and what I've noticed is in most cases when we are that down we dont believe nor even remotely think there is a future ahead of us. But honestly, any future happiness does take planning and decision making that you might not normally do.

In other words, even radical actions might be needed. I picked up a hitch hiker in 1976 from Melbourne to Adelaide and by the time we got the Adelaide I had a good idea where he was at, in that he left his wife and child as she had had an affair and he was very low, even crying in front of this stranger as I drove. Well he accepted a job at a sheep station in the far north and rang me 6 months later. He was happy, had a girlfriend and was working a cook. He then told me he'd been back home for a visit to his child and broke the ice with his ex. A complete turnaround.

I hope I can provide a rudder for your life if you'd care to post more about yourself and any problems you might want to share.

Take care

TonyWK

Re: Not coping

Lozza90 — Sun, 12 Feb 2023 10:45:35 GMT

I can't go into details about my story, as much as I wish I could as it would no doubt make life 'easier' to deal with and i wouldnt be so alone. But instead, I have to try and make sense of it on my own...but then it just leaves me feeling so hopeless....I can't believe what my life has become over time (and who I have become over time). I get these constant thoughts around how much easier it would be if I just wasn't here at all and how I could easily end this pain. It's very tempting....it's not that I necessarily want to die...it's more that I don't want to live.

Court tomorrow

Lozza90 — Tue, 14 Feb 2023 00:49:59 GMT

I have court tomorrow and I have no idea how it's going to go, but all I can think is the worse. Never in my life did I think I'd be someone who ends up in trouble with the police, let alone in court. Whilst I take accountability for my actions, my mental health (Bpd) was in control that day and totally messed up everything. This whole situation has got me not wanting to be here anymore. It's been hard not just taking these pills before hand but I still have time .what is the point when the odds are stacked up against you and life constantly tries to drag you down. This life has never been fair and I'm a fool to think it would be.

Dark thoughts

Lozza90 — Sun, 19 Feb 2023 09:20:04 GMT

I have been feeling very down and have been internalising it. But I'm being bombarded with SI. All I can think about is the peace I will have from what goes on in my mind. I'm sick of c-ptsd and everything else.

Heightened and not coping

Lozza90 — Mon, 20 Feb 2023 09:40:47 GMT

Feeling incredibly heightened rn. There is too much going on in my head and too much for me to cope with. Dark thoughts running through my mind and turning into quite strong and intense urges.

Absolutely no support

Lozza90 — Tue, 21 Feb 2023 07:12:08 GMT

I am sick to death of there being little to no support. It has been an absolute waste of time, especially when you can't even speak to someone on the phone and particularly when they won't even change your appointment!! I have withdrawn from these 'professional supports'. Ill do it on my own, in my own way. Ive had enough of everything anyway (family don't care or understand so why would I expect anyone else to). What's the point in sticking around??