topic Re: The ball is now in their court in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

The ball is now in their court

PocketRocket88 — Sun, 04 Dec 2022 00:01:26 GMT

Yep the voices has managed to convince me to ask my friend to stay with someone else for a couple of days. It’s just me and my friends dog for now. This is what the voices wanted and now they’ve got it. And again the voices was right no one cares no one wants to help me… no one understands or even try to understand what im going thru… I’m in this alone… I guess is a human instinct to be selfish… right now I’m forcing myself to go to work and hope that they’ll settle down and by the time I finish the wave will be over… im probably on my last few % of actually fighting for my dear life so if this doesn’t work the I don’t know what anymore.

I just need one thing to work today which is get thru this breathing… then probably just probably that will give me a bit of something to hold onto with the hope of it building right back up again until I feel more stable and so that my friend can come back home with me…

hope that going to work to keep safe was a good idea and not a mistake… the voices are very intrusive and demands my full attention which I’m trying not to hence how this post has come about…

Re: The ball is now in their court

Bob_22 — Mon, 05 Dec 2022 01:37:37 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

Sorry it's been a while since I've touched base. I'm sorry to hear that you're actively hearing voices which is interfering with your life. I've not had much experience with hallucinations but have you contacted your doctor yet? It might be entirely appropriate to put off work until such time as your hallucinations aren't so demanding. This is only based off what little knowledge I have however. Hope this helps.

Bob

Re: The ball is now in their court

PocketRocket88 — Wed, 07 Dec 2022 00:37:57 GMT

I am thinking of it already Bob,. Just need to put things in place so that I can go back a better version of me, hope that’s what happens but it can still go side ways…

anyways, I’ve had the more frustrating and stressful couple of days with the confusion or not understanding what’s going on around me… I think I’m losing touch with reality… here’s why I think so, everyone seemed to know my care plan than me: firstly for all I know I don’t have one with anyone including my NDIS support workers. And yet everyone seemed to know my care plan more than me. All I know I haven’t got one and that I’m still working it out alongside my support coordinator to get one that would hoped work… So posting here gives me anxiety but I have to say what’s in my chest coz it’s bringing up negative things in my head that is not helpful which puts me in a greater risk to myself… lastly, My local acute care team has contradicting information as to who or who they can’t help, last Thursday I called them for help just to be told that they can’t help me coz their currently not looking after me, out of frustration I gave the ACT a call and was told that they help everyone who calls and needs it! So long story short, I’m questioning everyone’s intentions with me., do they honestly want to help me? I don’t know how I’ll cope at work today coz my head is at the point as to giving 0(zero) care about what happens to me if I act on these thoughts and urges….

Re: The ball is now in their court

PocketRocket88 — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 00:41:52 GMT

I am so over feeling the way I’m feeling eve try waking day, I truly just want a tiny (no matter how tiny it is) some sort of reprieve from feeling and having these urge… I need the voices to quiet down so that I can stop and think about where to go from here… all I am thinking of and having the urge to do is to put that long awaited dot to this never ending pain and suffering but I have work and am at work so I’m trying my best not to act on the plan while at at work… or atleast start the process off but the ones to take one of two steps in the ‘plan’ just to make myself feel better even just for a little bit but that’s where the risk lies as to whether I can only take one or I might take more than recommended… so should I take the risk or not?

Hi PocketRocket88 Thank you for sharing with us today, w...

Sophie_M — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 01:06:45 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

Thank you for sharing with us today, we can hear how difficult you are finding these thoughts and voices right now. It takes courage and strength to post and we want to acknowledge that.

If you feel like talking to someone, we are here for you on 1300 22 4636 or you can call our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

If you are in immediate danger and unable to stay safe, it is important to call 000 straight away.

We think you are an incredible member of this community and value how you share your thoughts and feelings.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Re: Hi PocketRocket88 Thank you for sharing with us today, w...

PocketRocket88 — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 04:22:47 GMT

Thanks Sophie! I think I might have to within today… but when I do talk too someone about these urges, thoughts, and voices when I’m slowly losing control I’m left disappointed and having to sit with all of this on my own feels more lonely and sometimes unbearable to manage and that alone I place myself at risk of acting out of impulse which almost always happens… it seems and feels like I fall into the category of people who are treatment resistant, don’t know if it’s by choice or what… which I hope I’m not coz then that just put the ‘cherry in top’ and will be my proof that ending my story my way in my own hands is my life’s destiny so then that feeds the ‘why reach out when it’s meant to happen’ . As I said before, I’m at the point where I’m clinging to save myself even if there only 1% left in me the whole 99% has already given up and is ready for the inevitable…

Re: Hi PocketRocket88 Thank you for sharing with us today, w...

PocketRocket88 — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 03:57:43 GMT

I’ve accepted my fate ages ago i that tinniest part of me just wants to fight… I already have things in place for when that day comes… the plan is solid and is at play everyday lately, just a matter of losing that 1% that still clings into my dear life,. Once that’s gone then that’s it for me., I’ve got nothing to lose but more to gain for when I act on the plan… for now I’ll enjoy what’s left of me and hopefully get thru this shift at work unscathe…

Hi PocketRocket88 We can hear how hard it is for you tod...

Sophie_M — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 04:30:06 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

We can hear how hard it is for you today. If you feel like you can't stay safe the best thing to do is to contact 000 or Lifeline 13 11 14. They are here to support you when you need it.

We hope you have a good rest of the shift and are able to reflect on the strength and reslience you have shown.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Hi PocketRocket88 Thank you for sharing with us today, w...

Bob_22 — Fri, 09 Dec 2022 01:59:32 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

I'm sorry to see that you've been really struggling with suicidal thoughts. I've never been actively suicidal so I can't imagine what it's like but please reach out to your support team. It may be that you need some acute care or a hospital admission. How are you doing today?

Bob

Re: The ball is now in their court

PocketRocket88 — Sat, 10 Dec 2022 03:01:56 GMT

TW Strong Suicidal Ideation, strong suicidal urges, Risky behaviours

today couldn’t go any worse than this.! Woke up late for work which means I’ll be late for work. That’s was kinda oaky if that was the only thing that’s the only thing that’s going bad so far but to have every important things things that you need to get thru the day is sitting at home as well as not feeling safe enuf to be actually be at work but have to? Then I think that’s when I say F*** this day. I’m so over this situation. why hold back when nothing ever goes right with you anyways… F*** this life I’m so done and I want out already!!! I’ll try my best to make most out of work now … so done with everything this life is and has… the good part may never ever come anyways…

Re: The ball is now in their court

Bob_22 — Sun, 11 Dec 2022 05:56:30 GMT

Hi PocketRocekt88,

Thank you for the update. I'm so sorry to hear that you've still been stuggling with suicidal thoughts. Please, if you can, remember to reach out to any of the following services when you need to talk to someone to help with these thoughts. Unfortunately we can only do so much through the forums.

Beyond blue

lifeline

suicide call back service

In the meantime please follow your safety plan if you can. Hope to hear from you soon.

Bob

Re: The ball is now in their court

PocketRocket88 — Tue, 13 Dec 2022 13:58:52 GMT

I honestly don’t know what my Local ACT is referring to in terms of a care plan… I myself is not aware of such thing yet everyone seems to know it more than I do…

anyways, last night I’ve attempted on my life. I felt I had nowhere to go to or talk to to but lucky there’s Sonders (a really good service and app, I would highly recommend it) they called the emergency services for me just in time… ambos arrived first (thank God for that coz or else cops will not do a thing or interfere with me asking and needing for help). Anyhow, as the ambos was coming round the corner from mines, cops drove past and so they stopped them to let them know that they got me in the car already that they’re not needed anymore… they asked the ambos to pull over to have a chat with me.. as they went into the ambos they reminded me of what would happen (which was if I contact anyone and they’ve been called that they’ll charge me with god knows what), so I stopped the lady cops in front me and I said that I wasn’t in any state to consent to anything she’s saying but if they want to charge me then so be it, I need help and so I’m going to get one no matter what…. They later turned around and said oh it’s all good their boss says it ok you can go…

long story short, I stayed in the ED overnight and when I woke up I was getting discharged without being assessed by the mental health team at my local hospital, but I insisted to see them.. anyhow, so I waited and waited and then waited some more until the intrusive voices won’t stop in my head so I asked for something to quiet them down, again I waited and waited and waited some more until it became unbearable that I self harmed whilst in the hospital. Took awhile for someone to take notice of what I’ve done ( I actually had to ask someone to help me). It was only then that a doctor stitched me up and the mental health team came and spoke to me… still not much was done aside from forcing them to give me a scrip for the intrusive voices…

now I’m at work doing a night shift, haven’t bought the meds yet and the voices are in constant loop… I saw the medics here at work and has worked out that staying on shift will be more beneficial to me than going anywhere else… they also cleaned me right up and has advices a light duty for the next few days…

Re: The ball is now in their court

PocketRocket88 — Tue, 13 Dec 2022 13:59:28 GMT

I can’t stress enuf as to how I’m grateful for my workplace and the people who has helped me thru most of it… atleast it’s the one one place I don’t get judged or seen as someone who is just mocking around with the system…

Unlike others outside of work who suppose to help you but don’t…. Just saying

Re: The ball is now in their court

Bob_22 — Thu, 15 Dec 2022 07:52:33 GMT

HI PocketRocket88,

I'm so sorry to hear about your night in hospital. But I'm glad that you have some supportive coworkers. How are you doing today?

Bob

Re: The ball is now in their court

PocketRocket88 — Thu, 15 Dec 2022 19:51:26 GMT

TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND URGES

Woke up really early today. I got work later tonight until 7.30 in the morning., The voices in my head is so hyperactive and very intrusive… they’re so loud that it’s hard to concentrate onto something to distract myself with, they’re really pushing their way on top in my head… each time I try to ignore them, they just kept going at me… it’s a challenge right now to steer away from the urge and thoughts when there’s someone screaming at your ear… I guess I have to force myself to sleep again by taking some pills… The voices are so keen , they’ve laid so much good and viable reason why I should plus the master plan is a sure success when it’s put into place… what if I feed the voices with me self harming than putting the plan instead? Would that calm them down? I wouldn’t know until I do it really., so should I just self harm and hope that it’ll be enuf to keep the voices at bay even just for now.,? But then again they would want me to go deeper than I usually do just to satisfy them., so either way, whatever I do to calm the voices down has the risk of taking it too far than before. What do I do now???

Re: The ball is now in their court

Bob_22 — Fri, 16 Dec 2022 01:45:00 GMT

Hi PocketRocekt88,

Sorry to hear that the voices are becoming so intrusive. Please call someone if you feel you are going to self harm. Can you try any mindfulness until you go to work tonight? Perhaps getting out of the house and doing something you enjoy? Even for an hour or so.

Bob