topic Re: First time ECT by scrabbling in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

First time ECT by scrabbling

Scrabbling — Fri, 08 Jul 2022 21:57:43 GMT

Hi to all especially mmMeKitty, the Pages here have changed and I can no longer find our thread and I haven't got the tolerance to spend hours on my phone, so I hope you see this. as I said before the roller coaster has been at Full Speed and it finally came into the station which is Ward and I had to make a decision. I cannot keep going the way I am and the doctors have mentioned a few times in the last 6 months about ECT to be honest it absolutely bloody terrified me, I know we shouldn't assume but I think everyone has seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!!! certainly didn't help people's perception. I have been drowning for a long time it's been like walking in a thick fog I was desensitized totally to life and unbearably sad and just wanted it all to stop, the staff here on ward have been fantastic and I had my first ECT yesterday I will be honest it wasn't a perfect run, my anxiety exploded as I am awful to cannulate at the best at times but when I'm stressed my veins disappear, so I think I was a bit like "when you give a pill to a cat" and you retrieve it off the curtains and off the back of the couch and from under the bed !!!! that was me, the staff were very patient and finally they managed to get a vein, I woke up with a minor headache and a little bit of shoulder blade soreness none that really wasn't sorted with some Panadol, I did have a sore neck later that night again that went away with just the hot shower, I can't speak for everybody and possibly may even sound stupid but after the treatment I had a snooze for a few hours and I did feel clearer and even if it was briefly a spark (excuse the pun) the old me made a breif appearance, yes the sadness came back in the afternoon and I'm sure I will be having a few more treatments but I had nearly forgotten the old me. So will see how things pan out,

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Croix — Sun, 10 Jul 2022 09:31:20 GMT

Dear Scrabblng~

Just at the moment it is quite hard to find posts you have been on before. I suspect the one where you were talking with @mmMekitty was

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/deuce/td-p/17613

If you go there and find you were thinking of somewhere else then clicking on mmMekitty's name will show mmMekitty's profile with all past posts,you might recognize one of them.

No, ECT is nothing like in the movies, and it is most important ot remember that YOU are in charge, can discuss matters with the therapists and reach sensible conclusions about how to go ahead. I'm really glad htere was that little spark, (and you have not lost your sense of humor:) - hope for future things to come.

You sound as if you have had great experiencing trying to give a cat 😾 a pill 💊 - I understand perfectly through many similar wresting matches (Croix=0, Cat=100)

Please let us know how you go

Croix

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

mmMekitty — Thu, 14 Jul 2022 00:52:55 GMT

Hi Helen,

I'm so happy to have found you again! 😺 Finally I thought to look into my own profile, in the list where posts I"ve replied to are, & found your other Discussion/thread there! Easy once I looked.

I will 'Follow' (in Options) this Discussion & the other, 'Deuce', so you can decide which you'd like to write in at any given time.

Thank you, Croix, for helping.😺I ended up getting the vet to give Mekitty's once-a-month tablet, just to be sure she got it into her.

That arfing movie! Sure has discouraged many people from ECT, but also going into hospital, & having any trust or faith at all. They ought to include a big warning at the beginning, & even during the movie, announcing in words & voice, "This Is FICTION!". It's as if many people might already imagine the worst, then see that movie, & think it's all true.

As you now from your own experience, Helen, that's not how ECT is done. Sadly it may have been like that in some places, in the not so distant past, but things have changed.

As Croix points out, ask questions about anything your treating doctors suggest. Even if you think you know the answer, ask anyway, just to be absolutely clear about what you might agree to.

You & Croix & anyone really, is welcome to click on my name up there, next to my picture, & see what they can of my profile. (no contact details, birthday or anything like that. Very little except which posts I've made & which I've posted to elsewhere on the Forums).

I hope you are able to find how this upgraded Forums work, but if you need more help,please ask, & we can try our best to help. There are Discussions in the 'Introducing Yourself section, which have more info. as well as going through the FAQ's.

Hope to hear how you are going again, soon.

Warmest 💖💖💖💖

mmMekitty

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

mmMekitty — Sat, 16 Jul 2022 11:31:07 GMT

Hello Helen & Croix,

Thank you, Croix, 'Deuce' is the Discussion/thread we have been talking in, but I don't mind if Scrabbling/Helen wants to talk here or even in my own 'Introducing mmMekitty' Discussion/thread:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/long-term-support-over-the/introducing-mmmekitty/td-p/3739

I hope you were able to ask your questions & feel you have had time to consider what agreeing to ECT would mean, & what if you refused it. You have the right to understand your options & what the consequences of your choices might be. I think it would be very important for you to make this important decision about your own health.

Hope we talk again, when & where you choose.

Warmly

💖💖💖💖💖, for you, Helen,

& 💖💖💖💖for Croix, Mrs C & the cats.

mmMekitty

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Scrabbling — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 03:32:52 GMT

Hi, im still on ward, had 4 ECT and thought I was good to go but still here, I'm a bugger to put under so that's not helping the stress levels, I'm certainly testing their sedation skills, I'm presuming I'm here for next week?? I still cannot get my head around being unemployed and that sucks Iwas so good at my job and I feel like I've let the oldies down, now they have no one to stick up for them, anyway the time is passing, i feel a bit clearer but are experiencing so so much sadness, i wish it would stop anyway have ECT in the morning its leaving me with a headache.and I've noticed my nerves are rather jumpy, but I suppose that's to be expected, hope you are staying well and covid safe,kind regards Helen

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Croix — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 11:30:00 GMT

Dear Scrabbling (with a wave to mmMekitty)~

Do you mind if I call you Helen? I'd like to if I may.

You have had a fair number of talks with mmMekitty, and I could not imagine a better person to talk to. (Even has a sense of humor!)

I guess reading back over your past couple of threads two thngs come out in common between you and me.

We both believe there are those 3 types of people - I'd imagine you are with that last sort -the ones that know how to help and want to do so. If you come to believe that is can be a comfort.

The other is a different sort of comfort. "I've been here before and come out the other side" is the thought that really means something to me and can get me through.

By now you will have found that while ECT is not that pleasant it's nothing like the movie you mentioned. BTW have they given you anything for the headaches?

Sometimes it may help to reflect back on the good effects one has had on others. When you visited the nursing home and the residents there were so pleased to see you they cried or wanted to hug you that speaks volumes about you

I hope you have a peaceful night

Croix

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

mmMekitty — Mon, 18 Jul 2022 06:30:37 GMT

Hi Helen,

Hope this finds you feeling, if not wonderful, at least feeling some brightness can get in.

Losing the job, which meant so much to you, I am in no doubt that is the source of a large portion of your sadness. That there is likely, also a biological source wouldn't surprise me either.

& you have another question or two to be asking your Doctor: Is the jumpiness to be expected, as something common & how much, for how long?

As Croix asks, did they give you anything for the headaches?

As I said, I am happy to stay with new Discussion of yours, or we could talk on your other, 'Deuce', Croix (who has kindly done the flipper work on & found), has supplied a link to, which is:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/deuce/td-p/17613

I smiled to think of you being "... a bugger to put under ..." & "... I'm certainly testing their sedation skills, ...". I'm sorry it stresses you. However, I think, that Helen, she's a fighter, & the staff are learning a lot from her.

Have you been able to take some time to think of what comes next, where to from here, now you are unemployed? That’s a lot of hours, & it could be a worry having time to spend, with nothing to do.

No decisions are necessary right now. This is something to think about. What options may be open to you?

Talk more soon,

Warmest,❤️

mmMekitty

(I see BB has it's emojis back, but they are hard for me to use, especially when I want to make many.‌ So we must pretend, ❤️times 6 or 10, or however much warmth & comfort you think you need.)

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

mmMekitty — Sun, 07 Aug 2022 21:46:11 GMT

Dear Helen,

No pressure to reply - just wanting to lett you know I am still here, thinking of you, sending you virtual hugs every day, wishing for the deep sadness to up & go away... even while I know it is not so simple nor easy to resolve such deep feelings.

💖💖💖💖

mmMekitty

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Scrabbling — Wed, 17 Aug 2022 12:42:04 GMT

Hi I'm still here it has been a really hard battle that I wonder if I will ever win I just go through the same motions on ward then Parc then home . repeat again and again!!!!!!!! I have just came out of parc and I felt really good but then 4 days later I am absolutely miserable, I feel like a dog chasing its tail and never catching !!!!!!! I am on 15 medications at night which is just downright scary and due for more surgery next month I am just so tired of fighting I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot win.

I lost one of my friends from parc it was even sadder because he was such a nice guy he seemed to be doing so well but he is gone now. I hope he has the Peace he couldn't find when he was alive.

I'm sorry for not being in touch sooner and I don't know where the time has gone. I wish I could pick up my phone and type that everything is fine but i just keep going in circles and that Peace keeps evading me no matter how hard I try I hope you're doing ok again I apologise for being so long take care scrabbling

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Learn to Fly — Thu, 18 Aug 2022 00:55:01 GMT

Hi Helen,
Thank you for your continuous contribution to this forum. Stay with us. Keep writing. I hope this helps you even a bit because you are heard. Please know this. We read your words. We care about you and what happens to you. I imagine that better and worse days are to be expected. This does not diminish your feelings on a bad day. It's more that this is how it usually goes in any life, and in any condition. The difficult part is learning how to deal with ourselves during bad days. Sometimes, just the thought that eventually the table will turn around, sometimes this helps. Because they do. Eventually. By the sound, you have the fantastic help of professionals. Use their offered help. Also, ask for guidance. Do you guys have group meetings at all? If not, maybe a one-on-one session would be more beneficial for you? No pressure, just an idea to consider.

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

mmMekitty — Fri, 19 Aug 2022 06:47:09 GMT

Hi Helen, 'battler' if ever there was, & you sure do seem to have a doosey. I'm so sorry it's been so hard, going round & round, back & forth, seeming to get nowhere. All those meds - I'd want to understand what each is for & any might be interacting with another in ways not helpful. I hope you are able to sit & ask someone to go through that with you. I admit, I'd be fearful of putting so much into me every day.

& you still have surgery. It's so tough, going through that & the recovery after. Dare I suggest that could be something to focus your attention on, like a distraction from all the thoughts, feelings/moods, where you are even.

I'm not sure I can actually imagine the extreme moods, the intensity of the thoughts, & how hard it is to cope with these. All I know, is during my own struggles, I did find, when I could take a breath & stop for a moment & deliberately get up, go & do something, I may have mentioned, I did a lot of writing, then painting. Drawing could be good too. Or singing - I still do that (not well, but that is not the purpose), when some feeling needs expression & I'm struggling. Sometimes, not that, because my feelings have been too strong. At those times I do something else, as a distraction. I don't know what's available to you there. I'd suggest something that you have to concentrate on, something using your hands, or body, obviously within your physical limitations. Any ideas?

I will continue to be here, listening, talking as we are able. 😺With gentle hugs, if you want.

❤️💖s

mmMekitty

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Scrabbling — Fri, 19 Aug 2022 10:54:04 GMT

Just so so tired. I'm still coming to terms with my friend who is no longer with us. Even the royal commission has brought to light how many of my friends who are no longer with us, seems to be a good way out and to stop the pain and the constant battle of not really wanting to fight any more. I cannot remember the last time I heartily laughed and I feel so false anyway calling it a night. Taken my prescribed tablets so will be asleep soon. I'm safe when I'm asleep. Thanks to all the caring people who make this a safe platform to vent.

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

mmMekitty — Sat, 20 Aug 2022 05:34:37 GMT

Dear Helen,

so much pain, so much loss, so many to grieve for, it hurts my heart, too.

I've fought through my own past, too, nothing as horendous as yours, I'm sure, still, sleep was so good, & I had wanted to stop, & somehow couldn't. Maybe it's something in us? I don't know.

All I know is we are here now, 2022.

I never imagined being as old as I am now. Didn't seem possible, not really.

The pain of my past is still with me, just more managable, I've learned so much, things I'm not sure how to describe, but I have learned I can live with it. I can have my emotions, the awful ones too, & cry, as I do for the loss of so many to the cruel inhumane mistreatment they have had to suffer. I haven't understood how people can abuse children... in a way I don't want to; I don't want that to make sense in any way whatsoever. I had a chance to ask my brother, & his answer is meaningless to me. Now I don't want to give him the more than a moment's thought.

If I could take it all away for you, I would. But I can't do that. I can only tell you, I'm sorry for everything that was done to you & your friends. None of that should ever have been done to you. If that makes you feel very angry that it did - I'm with you.

I don't want you to lose sight of the fact you are a survivor. You are so strong, ..

Would you mind telling me why you agreed to be involved witih the Royal Commission? Is that still true?

& finally, because you are so tired, is it possible to let people there look after you?

I don't want to stop here, wanting to just sit & talk to you, about anything or nothing.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Scrabbling — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 11:13:02 GMT

Still here but going backwards. Just so many tears for so many different reasons. I signed up for the royal commission ( I stupidly didn't need the extra stress) but I'm always a fighter for the under dog. As kids we didn't have a voice and couldn't prevent the clergy picking through us like a box of apples and the pain of the beatings. I had forgotten so much but it has been awakened. And sadly so many are no longer with us. I thought I was strong but I have lost nearly everything that was important. My job. My ponies. My CFA abilities. There doesn't seem to really be anything thing left to hang around for. The rollercoaster is out of control. I thought with all the tablets and ECT I should be bouncing with happiness but I just canot shake the blues. I've got a shrink appointment on Thursday so that should be interesting. Anyway calling it a night . Safe when I'm asleep.

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

mmMekitty — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 23:12:50 GMT

Hi Helen,

Fighting for the underdog, raising your voice for people like you, who didn’t have a voice, these things tell me you have compassion, for others & for yourself, which, to my mind, is a great strength.

That rollercoaster is bound to slow down & the bumps will begin to even out again. I think that’s just how it is; the current momentum cannot be maintained, & it takes less effort to slow down, so it only seems natural that the intensity of your memories, thoughts & feelings will settle.

I’d also encourage you to enjoy any part of the day when you are not fully immersed in these memories, the thoughts & feelings about them. Grab these moments & relish them.

I’m just thinking, as much as noise from my neighbours annoys me, their noise also takes me out of any distressing memory or thoughts & those overwhelming feelings & has me focused on that ****ing noise, if only for a few minutes - better than having no break from that stuff coming up. I have much more ‘here & now’ these days. & there are thing about my life & health that make me wish I had somewhere else again to take my attention to now. Heh, life, I guess, being human, etcetera.

Another thing I decided, I was going to get through all this because I don’t want them to win: they don’t deserve nor have the right to finish me off, not then, not now, not ever. Then get stubborn, & push on.

Hope that helps you feel your strength, & remember, what little you find, you can build on.

Warmliest,

❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Scrabbling — Wed, 24 Aug 2022 10:45:38 GMT

Thank you for your support I'm being selfish when you have your own demons to deal with, totally stressing about my shrink appointment tomorrow, I've been trying and succeeding in pretending to be happy yet I'm falling apart.my friends sucides are weighing heavily as I can see the pain they leave behind but it also takes their pain away. Your put your cat or dog down when they can't be fixed so why cannot you do it for humans? My thoughts are getting darker but I'm trying to get through till at least tomorrow and see what my shrink has to say, glad I don't have your neighbours as I love my quiet time.

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

mmMekitty — Thu, 25 Aug 2022 04:56:03 GMT

Pleae Helen, you say you are being selfish like it's a bad thing. NO, never, not when you have troubles & need support yourself. I came here when I needed some support, & I've had found generously supportive people here. Often they say it helps them to help others. I often feel the same, although I also feel unable to do enough, & wish I could do more. I recognised it helps me to talk to someone outside myself like I would have liked someone to talk to me, when I had no one. I feel now, I'm healing some damage within by talking to people here.

I ask myself, if Iwere you, what would I want to hear, what do I need to hear? I'm never sure I get it right, except I know for damn sure, I would not want to be ignored, unheard & unanswered. I'm hoping my words, via this website, (as inadequate as it seems to me), at least give you the sense of being less alone, & at best, feeling as if I am there, right beside you, in the dark places, with you.

Let's just sit with this idea a while.

❤️

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Scrabbling — Sun, 28 Aug 2022 11:31:45 GMT

Hi to my wonderful regular support people. Just for a change it's nice to say I've actually smiled and returned to my quick witted self even though it was shortly lived, it was nice to get outside in the sun and hop up and down with the lawnmower I felt like I achieved something, mood sinking back down at night but I will take any win at the moment. Due for my knee replacement in a couple of weeks which is going to be tough as my ankle surgery is still recovering. I would like dearly to put it off but need to do it so I can drop my insurance back to a pair of glasses a year. As I'm not working it will be a hugh saving in my budget. Starting to sleep a bit better which so it should with all the medication , anyway it's nice to post something of a win even if it's small. Thanks for being there it means the world .

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

mmMekitty — Tue, 30 Aug 2022 01:27:29 GMT

Good morningHelen. You put a smile on my face with the image of hopping up & down with the lawn mower. These are the moments to treasure, to actively notice & recall.

Some of the writing exercises I have include focusing on the moment & writing about it, ensuring we include all of our senses, include the finest detail, too. I find these exercises help to consolidate the memory of an event, place, brief moments (such as you have had).

You don't actually have to write anything down just go through it in your mind, noting everything about it, all the feelings, sounds, sights, smells, physical sensations, anything you could taste or touch.

Do you think you'd like to try this for yourself? You can make your first try as small as the smile on your face, & this could be the beginning into the entire scene.

The first time I did this was at the writers' workshop, & we were asked to focus on how we felt in the moment, where we were, sitting in the moment of writing.

As I recall, it was a hot day, & I used to wear stocking socks in summer, & they were itchy, so I wrote that. & I had a piece of my green capsicum I was munching, in my left hand, & wrote about how that felt & comparing the coolness of that with the heat in the room. They enjoyed what I wrote! (I was surprised), & how I have this memory I can reach for, when I want to give myself a little smile & chuckle,about my crunchy capsicum, stocking socks, which some admitted,they would not have included because it might feel silly to include. I took the instructions literally, & included whatever came immediately to my mind.

I'd enjoy if you would try, if you can write & 'take me there', show me what you experienced out there in the sun, hopping up & down, because it's really nice to get away from the dark places.

Before you reduce the health insurance, think about the rehabilitation your knee will need post-surgery. No doubt some physio will be involved. I don't know what else.

My best, always,

with ❤️

mmMekitty

Re: First time ECT by scrabbling

Scrabbling — Mon, 12 Sep 2022 08:36:08 GMT

Is there really such a time that you admit you are beaten and it's just not worth fighting anymore. I was due for surgery last week but I became unwell with an infection in my leg unfortunately it took off like wildfire the infection has gone into all the plates and screws from my previous surgery. I had an emergency op to save my foot yesterday unfortunately the infection is still very active, and I have to go back to theatre tomorrow? one lot of Surgeons want to dismantle the whole foot which literally wont leave me a leg to stand on , the other surgeon is trying to clean out the infection I just can't seem to cut a break, this is just been the final straw unfortunately my mental health has been brought up so not only do I have to deal with all the pain of the surgeries but I've got all the nursing staff looking at me sideways obviously I can't do anything while I'm here but I have to admit this is just been the final straw you put your cat and dog down when there's no quality of life so why can't you do it to a person.