topic Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Tue, 27 Sep 2022 10:57:28 GMT

Hi everyone

I wanted to post something positive about how recovery from being suicidal can happen.
I am a first timer. I’ve had episodes of depression but don’t usually go deep enough to be suicidal. My heart goes out to all of you and your mental health struggles. Bipolar runs in my family. Mum was a hospital admission last year and sadly, is now a resident in aged care. My 32 yr old son has autism and bipolar 2.
My story is one of a battle with depression while supporting Mum (My older brother and I worked together) in hospital and Dad - who has Alzheimers- at home. Both are in their 80s. I was suicidal a year ago and made plans - but had a powerful spiritual experience and didn’t follow through. My naturopath helped me to sort the many Imbalances in my body and I recovered - for a time.
Dad followed Mum into care in January and my brother and I sold their house. I then found myself being drawn into being a caregiver for Mum when I was already exhausted and struggling. Suicidal thoughts crept in but I pushed them away. I just tried to keep going - until I couldn’t.
One sleepless night, I attempted …..

My husband took me to the ED… I was offered mental health support and I accepted. I was in a daze. This was 4 months ago. I was diagnosed with caregiver burnout.
I had five sessions with a psychologist, two with a psychiatrist- all from Monash Health and Medicare funded - and found myself doing a lot better. I’m now seeing a private psychologist and have improved even further.
My son is almost my fully transitioned into supported accommodation and I am learning to deal with the things that wore me down.
Very few people know what I did. I haven’t felt ready to tell them. But my whole outlook has changed. Getting help and being prepared to face my demons is what has changed me. I’m not good at asking for help. I’m better at helping others. I’m actually working on that in therapy.
My message to you all is,- don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to open up and let people in. They can’t help you if they don’t know you are in pain. If you don’t like the health professional you are seeing, ask to see someone else. A good relationship with that person is paramount. Therapy won’t work if you don’t trust them.
Most of all, trust that you have it in yourself to overcome this. Your life IS worth living. People DO care. You just have to let them in.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

white knight — Thu, 29 Sep 2022 10:56:51 GMT

Hi, welcome

What a fabulous post, thankyou.

I'm from a bipolar family, my brother took his life at 26yo in 1978, my sister and I both made attempts.

I'm so very proud of you and a warm welcome here.

TonyWK

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Thu, 29 Sep 2022 12:33:42 GMT

Thank you White Knight

I’m so sorry for your loss. We never forget.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Eagle Ray — Thu, 06 Oct 2022 13:06:51 GMT

Thank you so much for your post Junior 1962.

You have been through so much and carried that pressure of being a carer for others which can be unrelenting at times. I’m so glad you are getting the help you need and things are improving.

Your post really helped me because I’ve had some intrusive memories and really struggled today. I’m also not great at asking for help. I do have a very good psychologist but I even protect her from my worst feelings and probably don’t ask for the help I need. It’s a chronic behaviour from very early childhood that was a survival response to circumstances then, but still affects me now. I’m seeing her tomorrow and maybe can discuss this.

Take care and all the very best! I just wanted to let you know that your post helped me when I was really struggling today and feeling like giving up. Thanks again 🙏

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Sat, 08 Oct 2022 06:59:48 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray

I’m sorry you are struggling with intrusive memories. Glad to hear you are seeing a psychologist though.
What you describe about not being good at asking for help sounds very familiar. Have you heard of psychodynamic therapy? Not all psychologists do it. It’s basically Freudian and it’s about identifying unconscious defence mechanisms that we use to protect our ‘I’d’ - the core of who we are. I’m doing this at the moment and we have already identified a couple of these defence mechanisms that I use. I had studied psychology and knew of them - but didn’t know about the ones I was using!
Anyways just thought I’d mention it.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Eagle Ray — Sat, 08 Oct 2022 13:12:41 GMT

Thanks Junior1962. I’ve heard of psychodynamic therapy but don’t know much about it. I can have a look at it. I’ve been doing somatic-based trauma therapy which has been very helpful. I’ve just been through so many things and it all got on top of me the other day. I called the BB helpline and spoke to my psychologist and both were very helpful. So feeling better. I got the courage to say the extent I was struggling which I tend to keep to myself. Slowly getting better at it. Thanks again

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Sun, 09 Oct 2022 01:11:14 GMT

It’s an interesting thing. People who have trouble asking for help are often the strongest people around. We put it out there that we are strong and people expect it of us. My naturopath pointed out that people expect more of us than other people.
I’ve found that this is true for many caregivers of the disabled. It’s almost as if we are given the task because we have the ability to cope with it, when others couldn’t.
I don’t know - there’s some sort of life lesson in it, I think.

I like the sound off your trauma therapy. Many non-western traditions know that we hold trauma in the body and work to help to free it.

Keep up good work.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Eagle Ray — Sun, 09 Oct 2022 05:10:46 GMT

I think you’re right. There’s a strength in us, perhaps based in a resilience we were forced to have early in life. I essentially became my mother’s carer at age 5. All my life friends and family have looked to me to take care of them. In recent years I was the carer of both my parents prior to their deaths, which involved dealing with high levels of disability, degenerative illness, cancer treatment, mental health issues and more. I somehow had to hold it together for everyone else including other family members as well, one going through a major breakdown. Then following my mother’s death I was subject to an instance of abuse that pushed me over the edge. I’d just been diagnosed with a progressive illness as well. I also have multiple issues of complex trauma from childhood.

So I think it is logical the body/mind gets to the point it’s had enough and feels it can’t go on. But what I would say to anyone reaching that point of suicidal thinking is talk to someone you can trust rather than trying to contain the pain you are going through inside. It’s like letting yourself break open instead of guarding/bracing against that pain which can actually intensify it. Just by talking to a safe person it’s like your nervous system starts to co-regulate with their kind and present energy, and then you can start to feel safe.

I had to search for some time to find a therapist I could trust and had some unfortunate therapy experiences in the past. So I’m very grateful now to have found a really good psychologist who is understanding me and I have that sense of safety. I still get lost in overwhelm at times like I did the other day. But reading your post gave me hope and I could relate to your experience of carrying so much responsibility being a carer for others until it just gets too much. I hope you continue well on your healing journey which it sounds like you are. You are right - we are not alone even though sometimes it feels like it and being completely open with ourselves and others we trust about how we’re feeling is the beginning of moving towards healing.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Sun, 09 Oct 2022 07:33:54 GMT

After reading your story, I am so glad to hear that mine gave you hope.

I too have long been the one people look to when someone needs care. I had a psychologist point out to me that not doing so takes conscious work. The bipolar that runs in the family has often led to me being the caregiver - and I really don’t want to do it anymore. So now that my parents are in a nursing home, I have to resist. My brother wants to do it so I don’t need to. I just need to be consciously aware and say no when necessary. I won’t abandon them but I still have a disabled son - and although he has now transitioned into supported accommodation, I’m still there to help with OT and Speech Therapy. He’s my son. He comes first. He has to. He has many years of his life to live.

It’s funny. After therapy for traumatic grief - my son is an only child because I couldn’t have other children despite 7 attempts at IVF - I studied psychology with a view to becoming a psychologist - or at least a counsellor. Four yrs and I can’t even register as a counsellor. There must be something in people like you and I that just wants to give. We genuinely care about others and give … until we can’t anymore. That’s what happened to me anyway. Caregiver burnout.

I love what you said about breaking open instead of bracing ourselves - My psychologist says I don’t want to feel the pain and I don’t like that I don’t tell others, so I project that I don’t like it on to others when they don’t recognise my pain and get angry at them. I need to allow myself to feel the pain and then let others know that I am in pain. I’ve never been good at being vulnerable while in the company of others so this is a big thing for me.

It seems we have much in common.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Eagle Ray — Sun, 09 Oct 2022 13:43:30 GMT

That’s very true about it taking conscious effort not to automatically take on the care role. I’m at least now starting to catch myself out and asking myself do I have the energy for this? I realise situations in the past where I should have requested help from others and been clear about my own boundaries in terms of what I can and can’t manage. But of course with loved ones it’s hard because you want to be there for them and alleviate as much as possible any suffering or difficulty they’re going through.

I’m so sorry you went through the grief related to the 7 IVF attempts which would have been so hard emotionally and physically. Carrying grief adds to an energy drain in the body I think so that you are already depleted. Then if you’re working really hard supporting others too you can definitely burn out.

I’m intensively processing a lot of grief from my life at the moment. I’ve been finding ways to let it go. The most helpful is a place in nature by the ocean I love where I feel really safe. I can just let go there and the grief that’s stuck in my chest starts to break up and just bubbles out of me and before I know it I’m crying. They are the most healing tears. It feels like such a relief. It’s a process and there keeps being more to release, but that’s ok. I feel like nature holds you and keeps you safe so grief can be let go of.

The other day when I had suicidal feelings I realised it was me abandoning myself which I know comes from patterns of abandonment in childhood. If those memories get activated without me being able to process them, that’s when I can give up on myself. But I was able to be aware I was doing that and then talk about it with the psych. Then I’m processing the memories instead of them controlling me and leaving me feeling powerless. I just thought I’d mention that for anyone feeling suicidal, in case it helps. I found sharing that realisation with someone helped me to be caring towards myself again.

I hear you about doing the work to be a psych/counsellor. Almost everything I’ve done in life has been with a “help others” mindset. But I’m learning I have to nurture myself first and that’s the only way I can move forward now, but then I’ll be able to help others in a more balanced way.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Mon, 10 Oct 2022 01:01:49 GMT

You are an amazing person. When I read what you have experienced and what you are learning to do, I see someone who has come a long way.

We both know what it’s like to struggle with powerful grief. One thing I used to say to callers when I was volunteering at Griefline is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is also no time frame. There are patterns and theories. At base grief is adaptive and a process. We need to go through it so we can find peace. It’s a lot harder when there are multiple reasons to grieve. It is also a lot more than feelings. It can affect our sleep, our behaviours and how we think. Therapy helped with my IVF stuff but it took years for me to fully understand the visual symbols with which my psyche presented me during those years. I eventually wrote a piece called the Gift Box of my Psyche. Trauma theory helped me to understand what had happened to me and eventually set me free.

You are doing really well. Sometimes it’s good to take the time to think about how far we have come.

My overall story has metaphysical components. I am, to some degree, clairsentient. I sense energies - from time to time. I believe I’ve had a past life and that many of my current life issues stem from that. I’m working with the psychodynamic stuff but also looking at how to free myself of bad karma. I’ve done yoga in the past and loved it. I now need to bring meditation into my every day life to work more on this.

I feel that it’s time for me to work on this deeper stuff.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Eagle Ray — Mon, 10 Oct 2022 12:21:39 GMT

Thank you. I think you are amazing with the care you’ve given others, getting through the things you’ve been through and working on your healing journey.

Clairsentience is really interesting and something I’ve wondered about myself. I’ve had a few experiences that felt clairsentient. I’ve picked up when something was happening to the health of a relative on the other side of Australia when I technically had no way of actually knowing. I just felt it in my body and received the info later that day from another family member about what had happened. It’s just an intuitive feeling that’s come upon me a few times now.

It’s great you are exploring these different aspects of yourself. It makes sense to explore where your intuition takes you next.

I’ve read a bit about the role of epigenetics and inter-generational trauma. Research is showing we do carry the past in our gene expression. So if a particular gene is expressed say in a grandparent as the result of trauma it can carry through to us. The genes themselves don’t change but whether they’re expressed or not does. I’m really interested in healing through epigenetics as our environment and how we live can actually shape that gene expression. I feel like it’s another aspect of healing ancestral trauma.

Meditation can be wonderful for healing. I kind of meditate at my favourite place by the ocean where it feels safe to feel and release grief. Then I have another place where I do gratitude meditation, because that’s what that location leads me to feel. And another place where I feel I connect with intuition. All are places in nature next to water.

All the best with your healing practices and explorations 🙏

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Tue, 11 Oct 2022 05:47:04 GMT

You have also given a great deal of yourself to others. Have you heard of the well concept? If we keep drawing from the well, without replenishing it, it runs dry. I have no doubt that is where my caregiver burnout came from. Like so many others, I lost my support systems during the lockdowns and, of course, there were the events of last year with my parents. It has definitely changed me, I was wondering whether, now that my son has left home, I should pursue counselling. Just the other day someone was trying to talk me into doing a masters. On one level I would love to do a masters, even if to prove to myself that I can do it, but when I thought about actually doing counselling - I realised that I don’t want to. Not anymore. I don’t want to care for others any more. I guess that is the burnout.

On the other hand, I’d still like to use what I have learned to help others. As it is, I’m going to do a presentation on bipolar disorder to the support workers that work with my son. I rehearsed it yesterday and it goes for @25 minutes. I could never have done something like this If I hadn’t done uni, so maybe this is the forward for me. Beyond Blue have guest speakers doing the same thing. I’m considering becoming one. Just not yet. I’m not quite ready.

Meanwhile, I’m finding myself being drawn back to something I’ve always been interested in - different religious expression around the world, including indigenous belief systems and practices. I haven’t had time to look into them in recent years but maybe now is the time.

how about you? Have you come up with anything you want beyond the present?

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Eagle Ray — Wed, 12 Oct 2022 14:35:09 GMT

I think I have heard of the well concept. It makes a lot of sense. I can really relate.

That’s wonderful you are doing the presentation on bipolar disorder. I think it’s good to go one step at a time and yes being a guest presenter for Beyond Blue is a future possibility. I think you know intuitively when you are ready for different things. It will be good to share what you know about bipolar with your son’s support workers, help educate them and create awareness and conversations around the topic.

I understand the not wanting to be a counsellor. I think it’s good to trust what feels right for you right now. I have an interest in photography and someone recently suggested I could run photography workshops with people who’ve had trauma. I’ve thought of this kind of thing before but I know I have so much work still to do on my own healing journey before I could give in that way. I am completely spent beyond words. I have nothing left right now. I’m just surviving the basics of daily living.

I’m very interested in different spiritual and indigenous practices and belief systems too. I’ve read quite a few books on these kinds of topics. I’m really interested in the integration of mind, body and spirit in healing.

Right now I’m so immersed in processing experiences of grief and trauma that I can’t yet clearly see my way forward, but I think this will become clearer as I keep processing stuff.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 09:09:08 GMT

It’s good to hear of your interest in mind, body and spirit healing. I’ve long had an interest in integrating all three.

Have you ever tried meditation? I’ve done it as part of yoga and found it very helpful. Yoga is about uniting our physical self with the divine and the modern practice of doing various postures helps to prepare the body to do that - via meditation. It’s very nourishing. I had a yoga teacher who taught in a style that I really liked but we had a falling out. I tried another class but it wasn’t what I was looking for. Im starting to wonder whether I should look into going to a Hindu temple or something, I really like Hindu and Buddhist philosophies.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 10:38:23 GMT

Oh and today is my 60th birthday. A few months ago I didn’t even think I’d be here now, let alone happily celebrating it 😊

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Eagle Ray — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 12:38:01 GMT

Happy 60th Birthday! I hope you had a lovely day yesterday 😊

I have done some meditation. I first went to a Buddhist Centre in 2002 and used to go to meditations there that would also include talks from a monk or nun. I went there on and off up until I moved out of the city this year. It was quite balancing and calming. If I get any trauma-related dissociation I can find it hard to access meditation. Sometimes then I need to do something more active, but at other times meditation is very helpful.

I’ve done some yoga, the best being yin/restorative yoga that I did last year with a very good teacher. She had quite a meditative and nurturing approach that I really liked.

I’m struggling quite a bit at the moment with some difficult memories. Going to go out tomorrow and look at some wildflowers with my camera to take my mind off it. Sometimes I’m not sure when to go into difficult memories and when to leave them alone.

Anyway, have a lovely weekend.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

therising — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 20:18:09 GMT

Hi Junior1962 and Eagle Ray

Wishing to express what truly beautiful and inspirational people you both are. How much you have given of yourselves over time as well as the connection you both share is so soulful.

To clearly sense (clairsentience) is, I believe, a gift that feels more like a curse at times. How to do it, how to master it and how to not let self doubt get in the way are all parts of the challenge. How to sense our self being drained to various degrees by the people we work so hard to serve is yet another challenge. When to emotionally detach (in favor of pure analysis, so as to get our bearings) is another. Another is sensing the need to disconnect and recharge based on the circumstances we face. So much to master sensing when you're sensitive.

Watched a fascinating documentary called 'Crazywise' not too long ago. Directed by human rights photographer Phil Borges (who produces truly beautiful photography), its a look into how non western cultures view and manage mental health, compared with the mental health systems in western cultures. To some degree, it's about a more spiritual approach. He began his research when he delved into indigenous photography and began to speak to the people of different tribes. He discovered what appeared as psychotic breaks in some young people was the beginning of their journeys into becoming the highly respected leaders of their tribes. Some became clairsentient leaders, some clairvoyant leaders (clear seers or visionaries), some clairaudient leaders (hearing guidance) and some became a combo of all 3. They were guided into their full abilities by the elders of the tribes.

Eagle Ray, with your interest in epigenetics I'm imagining you might have heard of a guy named Bruce Lipton. With a passionate interest in the field of epigenetics, he takes it to a whole other level in bridging science and spirituality. Joe Dispenza's another one. His book 'Becoming Supernatural' is a mind/body/spirit book with a difference. It's from the angle of neuroplasticity/epigenetics/quantum physics. How the mind and body interact with different forms of energy (including the energy of trauma) is definitely fascinating.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Junior1962 — Sat, 15 Oct 2022 01:04:12 GMT

Thank you TheRising

i had a lovely day for my birthday. Going out tonight for dinner with a group of friends too. Dinner and a band. It should be good,

It’s interesting how so many of us are exploring eastern philosophies to help us to find a way through and suffering and to find peace.
I’m comfortable with my clairsentience. It’s not intrusive. I’ve had deceased pets come back 24 hours after - to let me know they are ok. It’s actually very reassuring. I had one cat who didn’t realise he had passed. I had to tell him. He was so sad. I actually had a clairaudient experience with him. I heard him meowing. The only time I’ve experienced it. It was so loud that I couldn’t understand why others didn’t hear it. Then I realised it wasn’t coming in via my ears. Anyway, when he accepted what had happened, I felt him just sitting there. He was just waiting for some others to join him then he was going …. That was 8 years ago. Haven’t felt him since. I don’t have these experiences all the time. Just from time to time and I’ve learned to trust them. I have felt my spirit guides around me too. I trust in them as well.

Rising - have you heard of Kundalini awakenings? People who have them relate incredibly powerful spiritual awakenings. It’s possible that they are akin to what non-western cultures view as people with shamanic powers. In those cultures they then do training in shamanism. Fascinating stuff.

I’m currently reading over stuff I’ve looked at on Hinduism and the concept of samsara - birth and rebirth. Reincarnation. I’ve long believed in life lessons and it makes sense to think that if we learn what we need to learn, we may be able to achieve nirvana. I’m trying to tie these ideas with the psychological defence mechanisms I employ and look at why I use them. In my case I firmly believe I’ve lived a past life and was the victim of severe DV. I’ve brought the trauma into this life with me even though I have loving parents and had a happy childhood. Interesting stuff.

Re: Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

Eagle Ray — Mon, 17 Oct 2022 13:52:14 GMT

Thank you the rising. I have heard of Crazywise and would like to see it. I have some familiarity with Bruce Lipton and Joe Dispenza too. Someone else on this forum mentioned Joe Dispenza and I watched some interviews and definitely interested. I would like to read both of their books.

I feel like I’m trying to shift my epigenetics right now. I’ve made some breakthroughs in recent days coming to terms with things from the past. I can feel my body change in response to that. It’s like healing on a cellular level, which is important for me in turning around health issues I’ve struggled with that I know come from stuff I’ve been through.

I’ve actually had to start with what I’m feeling in my body and just allow it. Sometimes that’s painful initially but then it’s like the body starts letting go of traumatic memories and then the mind follows in letting go. It’s like letting an organic healing process unfold.

It’s like I had to get a bit worse before starting to get better, especially facing past stuff. But feeling much better today as I can feel an energetic shift.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙏