topic Re: Fighting for my dear life in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Sat, 17 Sep 2022 04:42:40 GMT

Every waking day is a constant fight with my inner demons... I feel that slowly I'm losing grasp of what reality truly means... The thoughts are like voices in my head telling me and even showing what and how to do it... With each thought comes the urges... They're like a sensation I couldn't explain... The darkness it gives me is undeniable... When will this all end? It's telling me if I want it to end I have to give in and let go... . I have to put an end to all this... Nothing's working so why even bother... I'm exhausted from fighting ..

Re: Fighting for my dear life

Petal22 — Sat, 17 Sep 2022 11:24:03 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

The reason you need to keep fighting is because you and your life is very, very important.

I understand that the intrusive thoughts you are experiencing are very tormenting it’s like being in a epic fight against your own brain.

PocketRocket88 you will win this fight because the inner you isn’t going to allow you to loose.

I understand it’s very hard to grasp reality when we are living inside our minds……..

PocketRocket88 bring your attention outside of your mind and firmly focus on something in the present moment.

Your reality is this present moment not the one inside your head……

What are you doing tonight?

Don’t listen to the thoughts inside your head… try to treat them like a song that’s stuck in your head… eventually when we don’t give the song our attention we no longer notice it anymore.

PocketRocket88 is the way that you are currently reacting to your intrusive thoughts helpful?

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Sun, 18 Sep 2022 03:20:31 GMT

I know it's not helpful at all but if its constantly nags in my head I couldn't stop myself from giving in...the constant unhelpful thinking is making me believe that what's it's saying is true... And I'm at that point where I see no point of fighting it if I'm destined to go this way...

Ive accepted that it may be true for me right now... It'll drive me insane if I keep fighting the urge... Whatever happens, happens.... Sad but it's my truth and reality... No matter how bad it sounds and distorted my thinking is..

Re: Fighting for my dear life

batman1257 — Sun, 18 Sep 2022 12:05:16 GMT

Hello PocketRocket88,

I want to reply to your last message, as I don’t want you to feel like your last post has gone unseen.

I am familiar with many of the feelings you have described.

-There is no negative destiny outlined for you. You are not destined for any negative things. You can change what happens in the future for you.

-Please do not accept the negative feelings as truth, from my experience, feelings always change. If they are negative they will be replaced by positive ones before you know it.

-There is someone who needs your love, needs your kindness, needs you in the future, no matter who you are or your history. There is also someone out there who loves you now and cares about you now.

-There is a journey you can start on that will rebound you from this negative place, there is a path forward for you in a life where you can be everything you want to be.

Re: Fighting for my dear life

Petal22 — Sun, 18 Sep 2022 13:20:44 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

Those negative thoughts are absolutely horrible I understand it’s unrelenting and it makes us feel horrible sometimes.

But I second what Batman1257 has said you don’t have to accept it as truth.

I still get my bad days but the difference is now that these bad days use to throw me through absolute turmoil when I had no tools to manage them.

but now that I’ve had professional help and I have been taught tools and skills to manage this when it arises I can now keep a lid on these negative thoughts.

Please consider seeking professional help because they can help you to manage what is happening inside you internally.

Hold onto HOPE.

Re: Fighting for my dear life

Petal22 — Sun, 18 Sep 2022 13:25:58 GMT

Through professional help you can learn to challenge these thoughts.

Please consider it.

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Mon, 19 Sep 2022 08:45:38 GMT

TW SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES

Today I woke up freaking out... The thoughts were so loud and the urge was really strong... Which is still happening in my own head... I'm finding it hard to control it at this moment... I can't seem to ground myself nor am I able to just calm myself down... I can definitely say that I'm stuck in this situation.... I don't know what I can do to get myself off this...

Re: Fighting for my dear life

bright_glow — Mon, 19 Sep 2022 11:40:06 GMT

Hello PocketRocket88,

If I could I'd be putting on caps lock here; It's ok!! A couple of days ago I had something of the same feeling in my class. I felt horrible, like I couldn't breathe, and everything was suddenly just a little too much, and weeks from then I still have the memory of that feeling with me. But I'm going to repeat myself here anyway (even though it's a cliche..); it will be ok! Though I haven't gotten over my feeling yet, doing little things like saying hello to the neighbour's cat helps me get through my day, and maybe it will yours! Sometimes I don't feel great, sometimes I feel awful, but something I can say from experience is that routine helps me a lot. Occasionally even the opposite makes me happy again (sometimes I spend my whole weekend doing really random things :):))! Though even from me, I do have to say that if the urge to give up feels uncontrollable, dial 000. Whoever's on the phone will try and help you get through this to the best of their ability and beyond!

I hope that my advice here helps you, even a little, and just remember that you can always contact professional help from anywhere, even Beyond Blue itself. If that feels a little too scary, post on the forum that you've already created! Someone will always be there to answer 🙂

Hang onto HOPE, because it's ok!

Re: Fighting for my dear life

therising — Tue, 20 Sep 2022 21:28:22 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

Wondering if you've ever sat down and comprised a list of what triggers the dialogue. It could even be called something like 'What my inner demons love the most'. I'll throw a list your way, to see if anything might be relatable:

My inner demons loved me living on my own because there was no one to distract me from the torturous words that came to mind. Inner demons love it when we live in isolation which is why some of the inner dialogue becomes about keeping us in isolation. Eg: 'There's no point in making new friends. No one will like you anyway'
They love it when their words become 100% believable, when we're fully convinced
They love it when no one's making a positive difference
They thrive on a lack of skill when it comes to us battling it out with them. Like any great warrior who goes into battle, we have to develop skills. Coming on the forums here is one that has served me, especially recently. Petal22 has been one of my angels
They absolutely love triggering words that come from certain people. It's like a foot in the door for them. What I mean is we can be so joyful and passionate about a belief, one we thrive on. When someone close to us brutally degrades that belief or laughs at it, there's that crack in the door, the perfect opportunity. Those inner demons can start up with stuff like 'You know you sound like an idiot with that belief. No wonder people laugh at you. You'll always be a joke' etc. With help from some solid guides in my life who have taught me how to passionately love what I believe in, no matter what anyone says, they don't get to me anymore

Basically, our inner demons are serious opportunists.

Reducing the opportunities may involve going to sleep, experimenting with music that leads you to feel good, having a chat with people who can open your mind to new ways in managing, developing new levels of self understanding (raising yourself through acquired knowledge/education) etc.

My inner demons have always forced me to have to look for new skills, new ways in managing them. I suppose you could say in a round about way they lead us into having to find the best in our self. It is there to be found through skill.

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Sun, 25 Sep 2022 09:53:50 GMT

Have you ever question your existence in this world? I HAVE!!!

I question why my life is in shambles (atleast that's how it feels and seems like...) Why I can't get out of this rut I'm in... Why I work hard but doesn't seem to be feeling some relief financially... How I can't keep friends or maintain good relationships with my family and friends... Why I can't see the beauty of my life... Why I feel the way I feel about life and everything that goes with it...

I wonder if I have exhausted all possible ways to help easbeyondblue Forumse these negative thought and urges... Have I done my part to help myself... Is there anything else I can do to fix myself...

Re: Fighting for my dear life

therising — Sun, 25 Sep 2022 19:59:18 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

Was having a discussion with a friend just yesterday about why we exist or something along those lines. Of course, it's all philosophy, all a matter of opinion as to why we do.

I think in some ways we exist to become more conscious, which might help in explaining why we enter into states of self reflection or self analysis. We can't become more conscious if we don't ask key questions. Some of the typical questions: 'Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is the point in being here? Why am I suffering so deeply?' etc. While I've asked such questions within deep periods of depression over the years, I've come to realise they are the same questions asked within philosophy. The questions all equate to 'What is the meaning of life?'. So, I suppose you could say there is a philosophical element to depression. The down side to this is if we're depressed without a fellow philosopher to help us make sense of it all, we're left alone to work it out for our self. I wish there was more of a philosophical element to mainstream psychology. In my opinion, there is definitely something lacking in this area. Maybe this is one of the reasons as to why transpersonal psychology is gradually becoming more popular; it explores the deeper questions.

While in some stages of life we may ask the question 'Was I born to suffer?', I've learned through personal experience that I am not born to suffer but find out why I'm suffering. I've discovered prolonged periods of suffering often come down to the fact there is something I am yet to be conscious of, the thing or things that will change everything.

Re: Fighting for my dear life

bright_glow — Mon, 26 Sep 2022 02:13:27 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

Try not to use the word "fix" when you're describing how you feel. Maybe use a word like renew; remembering that you are yourself, and you shouldn't have to feel the need to fix yourself when you are fine as you are. Sometimes we just need a little boost to get through hard times 🙂

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 22:14:10 GMT

This past few days has been a stable yet busy days... I've been flat out busy keeping up with work... Which kept me out of my own head which kept me safe from harming myself...

Today is a different story tho, today is the birthday of my Late Aunt. She passed away on April 2013... She is someone who is very important in my life even upto now... She treated me like one of her own, she comes running to my aid when I needed someone, she always makes.me feel loved and secure, she truly believed in me, she was awesome... But now that shes gone, all of those have gone with her... I regret not saying how much she means to me before she died... I hated the fact that I was here while she's back home suffering...

I know she's been gone for awhile now but it still pains me to think that she's gone.. I wish that I can have one more day with her... I know she would rather have me with her than see me suffer like this...

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Wed, 12 Oct 2022 22:22:32 GMT

I'm currently seeking refuge in a friends place at this moment... Trying to Rideout this nagging urge to end my life... I don't need anything right now, all I need is a space where I can ride this out... I don't want to be with anyone but my friend not do I want to talk to anyone (I get nowhere anyways when I do) ...I eventually will have to go home and tbh I wouldn't know if I'll be safe then or not... Well, we'll soon find out...

Hey PocketRocket88, Thank you for sharing this update. I...

Sophie_M — Wed, 12 Oct 2022 23:14:12 GMT

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thank you for sharing this update. It's really good to hear you're able to feel safe with your friend while you ride this out.

We can hear you're feeling unsure about what your next steps are when you go home and how you will stay safe. We’d really recommend putting together a plan for your safety, or checking in with it if you already have one. Some find the Beyond Now safety planning app really useful. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can actually call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and talk through it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Of course, we're here for you always on 1300 22 4636, and our team has reached out to you privately.

Thanks again for sharing. You deserve to feel safe, and we really hope that being with your friend, and sharing with the community who cares for you here is helping you to find that safety. We hope you can feel proud of having taken these really great steps.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 00:19:23 GMT

Its nearly time to go home... My inner demons are nagging me about the 'plan'... On the way home Im thinking will I still be safe... That will all depend on how I am when I get home... Just don't know where this day will take me... Wherever that is I do hope it's a better place... Still don't know what I'll do throughout the day when I get home... All I can think of is what these inner demons are telling me...

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 08:51:27 GMT

TW STRONG SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES

Today I woke up late for work, so I just took the day off... I've been at home alone trying to not dwell on what's in my head but they just wouldn't stop... The constant nagging thought of doing the 'plan'... This thoughts and urges just lingers and hasn't stopped...

At this moment I can still somewhat control myself... I'll try to ride it out but no promises... I've been in this road before and it can go either way... Hope All ends well tonight🤞

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Wed, 19 Oct 2022 00:16:57 GMT

TW SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES

Today I woke up in hospital, don't know how but I was there... As always I had to talky o the mental health team from my local hospital... I told them what was going on these past days and even told them that I feel my mental health is in massive decline... They sat and I do hope they were listening and paying attention to what I'm saying... I thought they would say something useful or something I can use to keep myself safe in times like this... Surprise surprise, nothing... Still nothing...

Seriously why do I even bother going to hospital when I feel unsafe specially when I know that I will get discharged and comes out empty handed...

These is why I'm starting to believe what my inner demons are saying and showing me... It is so much easier and simpler if I just do what these thoughts are saying... Like nothing really stops me or nothing seemed to be keeping me here... Or atleast that's what I think.. i need to see the worth of my life soon before it's all too late...

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Thu, 27 Oct 2022 23:38:45 GMT

I'm supposed to be at work soon but I took the day off, my suicidal thoughts and urges are really strong right now, there's millions of things going all at once in my head, different ideas on how and what I should do to not just hurt myself but to actually end things... I need a time away from my house before I do something I'd regret later on but being out in the public might not do me good either... But being at home isn't good for me either coz here I can do whatever I want (or atleast what the voices wants me to do) and no one will ever know what's going on behind closed doors... So now I don't know what I should do... Should I be calling someone, should I go to hospital where I know I might not get the help I might need and just feel worse after, or should I try something that might help in these kind of moments... I need some sort of relief from this, hopefully in a positive way coz at this moment I'm swaying more so towards the other way...

Re: Fighting for my dear life

PocketRocket88 — Sun, 18 Dec 2022 11:42:49 GMT

The last few days has been abit better and so I thought until today…

today, I feel soo tired or more so like exhausted… don’t know if it’s because of my work shifts which is doing mostly overnights for the next few weeks or is it because mentally exhausted as well pretty much have a low mood or there’s the combination of both…

I’m slowly losing control over my mind as well as my physical self… the voices may have been taking control more than I know… they’re adamant to take me and my life no matter where And what I do… they seem to not want me to be better or atleast feel good… multiple things keeps popping up in different settings…

Each time I take a positive step I seem to take 10 steps backwards… I guess what I’m saying is that I truly believe and convinced that the reasons these voices has been nagging me about is that my future is to stop holding onto that slither of hope that it’ll get better coz it won’t ever come anyways… .