topic Re: My inner demons are winning in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

My inner demons are winning

PocketRocket88 — Fri, 09 Sep 2022 23:30:20 GMT

TW Suicidal ideations and urges

here we are once again, waking up feeling like crap then to have my inner demons shouting like hell inside my head… no one truly understand the feeling that one goes thru in moments like this… so let me tell describe what or how I’m feeling when I’m struggling…

More than often it’s starts with feeling anxious upon waking up. When I say anxious, it means im abit on the edge that it’s like there’s an immediate threat towards myself. Some of the time it settles down when I fully wake up which can last upto 2hrs upon waking up. If it doesn’t, then my demons starts waking up. When I say demons, it’s the suicidal ideations in my head. Not long after they wake up comes the urge to act on it… the urge is like an itch or pressure inside me, if you scratch it(act on the thought) I feel some relief but the downside is that if wanna keep doing it just to relieve that pressure. If I don’t act on the thought, they will go for a little bit but comes back 10x worse than the last which means it just keeps building up until I can’t handle it anymore.., and more than often I I’d give in to just feel some relief. Then it start all over again during the day… I can go many cycles (short intervals) in a day but sometimes I only get a few long cycles which is worse than having little ones…

I do feel ashamed of what I’m doing to myself specially when people knows about it. Hence I try to keep to myself which then brings the isolation… which leads to loneliness then lead to an attempt…

I currently feel that I’m in the brink of really giving in to these demons in my head… work can just keep me safe for 8hrs but after that? It’ll be hard to not act on the urge… I live alone and coz I’ve distanced myself from people including my family , that no one will think or wonder if I’m okay or not. Perfect setting for the ending of a sad story, my story.

Hi PocketRocket88 Thank you for this really raw and insi...

Sophie_M — Sat, 10 Sep 2022 00:20:00 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

Thank you for this really raw, insightfully deep and honest post.

We're here for you. We won't interfere with your thread, but we've reached out to you privately. Please check your inbox.

Please call 000 (triple zero), or present to your nearest hospital emergency department if this becomes an emergency.

To call us, contact 1300 22 4636
To use webchat, Click Here
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

We're all available 24/7. All calls and chats are one-on-one with a trained mental health professional and completely confidential.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: My inner demons are winning

Petal22 — Sat, 10 Sep 2022 08:13:55 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

Im so sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s hard.

Its so hard when we feel as though we are being shouted at from the inside, it can feel very overwhelming.

Im sorry you have been isolating yourself, is there any one you would feel comfortable opening up to? A friend or family?

I understand things are feeling tough right now but you will get through this hold onto hope because it will keep you moving forward.

If you are feeling this is an emergency please follow Sophie Ms instructions.

Re: My inner demons are winning

therising — Sat, 10 Sep 2022 20:51:46 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

The demons of depression are insidious things. For some people, they don't notice them until they really get going. For others, they wake up with them every morning, which is so cruel.

I can relate to how you describe the depression you face. For myself, I'd described it in the past as like having some nasty hideous little creature perched upon my shoulder, day in and day out. It would spend almost all day whispering far from sweet nothings into my ear, unless I was distracted. You know the drill. At it's easiest to cope with 'You're hopeless' through to the more severe (when I'd hit the absolute depths on occasion) 'You're hopeless at life. You may as well give up now. There's just more suffering ahead and you know you won't be able to cope with it', it was relentless. This imaginary creature didn't just whisper. It was as though there was this long dark cloak that it held in place from firmly around my neck. All the words that had become pinned to it over time were the words I fully believed described me. Words like hopeless, loser, useless, worthless, lazy, angry, control freak and so on. So, in 2 ways the impact was there - the internal dialogue and the beliefs (the labels).

I still recall the day I came out of that 15 or so years in depression. What it felt like was...the cloak had fallen to the ground and I felt, for the first time since I was born, naked with nothing to describe or define me and the creature was gone, finally gone.

I believe the analogy of nasty little creatures or demons helps in some way, for with this way we can imagine them/depression as being separate from us. They/it does not define us. While depression, with the worst of intrusive thoughts, can feel like a part of us, seeing it as separate in this way can give us the freedom to consider battle strategies with which to win the battle against that which comes to us in such tormenting ways.

Btw, JK Rowling's 'Dementors' in the Harry Potter books/movies were created based on her experience with depression.

Re: My inner demons are winning

PocketRocket88 — Sat, 10 Sep 2022 23:59:52 GMT

TW REALLY STRONG SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND URGES

another day, same crap… woke up all anxious and seemed to be spacing out (staring blankly from afar) but my brains or my ‘inner demons’ kept taking to that place I’ve been trying to not go to… my inner demons are always working on plans or ways to not just hurt myself but to actually end things… and believe me , what’s it’s coming up with are pretty easy to do and Chas a high chance of being the one that’ll end this… I’m at work for the next 8hrs which will somehow keep me busy but in terms of safety? That’s a question I can’t answer coz knowing my inner demons and subconscious mind anything can happen, both good or bad… hop that nothing would happen.. the thoughts are very loud in my head and the urge is damn strong that to keep it at bay will be really tough…

Re: My inner demons are winning

Petal22 — Sun, 11 Sep 2022 01:56:12 GMT

Hi PocketRicket88,

I strongly encourage you to seek professional help ASAP, you can be helped and these thoughts can lift for you in time with the correct professional help.

PocketRocket88 don’t give into these demons you are so much stronger than them.

Believe in the light, seek it and you will find it….. it’s inside of YOU!

Look around you at all the beauty in world really look at it……… move outside of your mind and really put your attention on the beautiful things in this world they are there waiting for you to acknowledge them.

You are the LIGHT………..

LIGHT will always defeat the darkness you just need to make the conscious decision to focus all of your attention on the light when your mind tries to take you back to dark firmly redirect it onto the light.

You CAN do this.

I know the fight is very real and it’s a fight you WILL win!

DO NOT GIVE UP 💪

We are here with you your not alone please come back to us..

Re: My inner demons are winning

PocketRocket88 — Sun, 11 Sep 2022 04:00:17 GMT

These inner demons seemed to be consuming me bit by bit... Every turn leads me to that spot and I can't seem to get out of it... I'm in a whole lot of trouble even whilst at work...

Re: My inner demons are winning

Petal22 — Sun, 11 Sep 2022 05:11:33 GMT

I understand it’s hard I really do all the mind wants to give is negative…. It’s hard and you need to start driving the ship from the inside.

YOU are in your body YOU ARE! You are not your mind….. our mind is separate to who we are.

Your mind isn’t in control YOUR in control.

Hit back with positive thoughts…. YOU get to do that.

If it comes back negative, then throw back positive.

You are STRONG

You are BRAVE

You are a WARRIOR

Put those demons back in their box.

You CAN !

Re: My inner demons are winning

Petal22 — Sun, 11 Sep 2022 04:54:14 GMT

PocketRocket88 again I strongly encourage you to seek professional help ASAP.

You are important.

I understand it’s very overwhelming when our minds take us to that spot….. with the correct professional help this can lift for you.

When you are in that spot gently bring your attention out of your mind and onto something positive in the present moment.

Put your attention on your breath follow it use it as your anchor, when your mind wonders again bring it back to your breath.

Put your attention on your feet … how do they feel in your shoes ..even take them off how does the ground feel under your feet?

Hang in there and breath

Re: My inner demons are winning

Petal22 — Sun, 11 Sep 2022 04:57:12 GMT

Sorry this should have read … put those demons back in their box.

Re: My inner demons are winning

PocketRocket88 — Sun, 11 Sep 2022 12:12:28 GMT

Finished work now and the day hasn't ended yet... I'm still stuck in that mindset where my inner demons are taking hold of me... I don't know how long I can hold it off... I probably need to force myself to sleep but for that to happen I have to take my sleeping meds but then that's when it becomes tricky and dangerous coz I often times find myself worrying I may take too many .. Hence why I'm trying not to take them but the longer I stay awake the more dangerous it gets as well... I might end up letting my mind eat me whole from inside out... So I'm at that crossroad of whether to take the risk of taking meds or not taking them... I tried using the pros and cons that I learned at the DBT therapy and it's seemed like taking the risk of taking them is winning....

Re: My inner demons are winning

Petal22 — Sun, 11 Sep 2022 12:49:02 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

I understand it’s so hard when our intrusive thoughts try to take over it can be unrelenting at times.

Have you thought about seeking professional help for what you are enduring?

If things escalate for you can seek professional help immediately.

I understand that you are worried that you may take too many sleeping tablets if you where to take them……. I understand that this in it’s self would be worrying for you.

Again I strongly encourage you to seek professional help for what you are enduring I understand how hard it is and it’s something you don’t have to go through alone.

There are health professionals who can help you.

Please come back to us when you are ready.

Re: My inner demons are winning

PocketRocket88 — Mon, 12 Sep 2022 22:09:25 GMT

Music help somehow silence these inner demons but once the music stops they come screaming loudly that it's hard to concentrate and control these thoughts and urges...

Tonight isy first overnight shift at work, don't know how I'm gonna cope but one things shouting in my brain and that is to 'jump and just let go... Yes it's a selfish act but i don't really have much choice'. So being at work tonight will be extra challenging coz my brain might say jump now but when I get on shift, it might turn to cut yourself in the right spot and claim it as an accident... So I think I am in a bit of pickle now ... It's gotten to a point when I'm ready to just let go and give in... I can't keep running my life like this in constant paina dn agony.... A slight relief would be good right now but I don't think it'll come tho...

Re: My inner demons are winning

PocketRocket88 — Tue, 13 Sep 2022 16:08:02 GMT

I slept thru most of the morning today coz I didn’t get home til after 7am today after doing a overnight shift.

I hav even asked to one again tonight and I said yes… I’m so tired and exhausted which is not good with managing my ideations and urges… believes me when I say that it’s pretty loud in there…. I can’t seem to quiet it down no matter how hard I try…. It just keep shouting ‘ everyone is better off once I’m gone.

Re: My inner demons are winning

Petal22 — Tue, 13 Sep 2022 08:26:42 GMT

I understand it’s hard PocketRocket88.

When you have these thoughts can you try to redirect your attention onto something else in the present moment.

Mindfulness is great for redirecting our attention.

Meditation is also a very effective skill to learn, have you practiced this?

Meditation can teach us to be the observer of our thoughts so we don’t get caught up in them.

I learned that these types of thoughts can accompany anxiety and depression.

With the correct professional help they can lift for you.

Re: My inner demons are winning

PocketRocket88 — Tue, 13 Sep 2022 15:54:36 GMT

My mind is too active that mindfulness or directing my thoughts to the now seemed to be challenging...

I am trying my best to challenge the thought but as I said before my version of reality points me towards the negative thought which is to end this now coz nothing good will come out of this, just more heartache pain and suffering... When you have those in your head, wouldnt you just believe it coz it makes sense... Like who wants to live like this? In a constant spin and battle with your mind... Wouldn't you just want to be free from all this and for you to achieve is good support or ending one's life? I sure am not getting good stable supports at the moment and so the easy and probably the cowardly thing to do is to take everything in my own hands... It's a selfish act...

Re: My inner demons are winning

PocketRocket88 — Tue, 13 Sep 2022 15:36:46 GMT

My inner demons are shouting loudly in my head even whilst at work or keeping myself busy with work... I can't seem to tone it down.. the other problem is that these demons are highly impulsive which mean don't really know if I'm safe even whilst at work.. I mean I can only try my best...

Re: My inner demons are winning

therising — Tue, 13 Sep 2022 20:27:13 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

I wish there something I could say that would lead those inner demons to suddenly disappear, so that you could find the freedom you're so desperately longing for, the freedom you deserve.

Sounds a little out there but wondering if you could manage talking to them in a way, in your mind. You could try using words such as 'Shut the hell up!!!' or 'Get the hell out of my head!!!'. If words are powerful enough to bring us down, they can be powerful in other ways too. Finding the right combination of words can work. Using the right tone is important too, a commanding tone as opposed to simply a wishful one. Even using strong language (some pretty intense swear words) can help convey a strong message. If such a management strategy works for 5 minutes at a time, that's 5 minutes of peace. That could extend beyond 5 minutes, with regular practice in ways that work. If 'Get the hell out of my head!!!' doesn't work, maybe it needs to be extended. 'Get the hell out of my head. I am a truly beautiful person who deserves better than listening to this depressing stuff. Now, go away!'.

PocketRocket, I find a part of myself I need to manage fairly regularly is 'the people pleaser'. I talk to the people pleaser in me in ways that can make a constructive difference. It can be one of my so called 'demons', holding me back at times from creating a form of heaven on earth. If constructive confrontation with another person is what's needed (for myself and/or others to evolve beyond what doesn't serve), the people pleaser in me will dictate 'You can't rock the boat. That person won't like you if you upset them. Just suppress how you feel, push those feelings down'. To that I say 'Shut the hell up. I'm moving forward' or, where other's are concerned, 'We're moving forward'.

Perhaps it's the role of our inner demons to stop us from moving forward. Gee, they do a good job at times. I've found, it's within a state of enlightenment, where something is brought to light, they can't survive. Inner demons are in no way a fan of positive mind altering revelations🙂

Re: My inner demons are winning

Petal22 — Wed, 14 Sep 2022 01:35:51 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

I understand that what is going in inside your mind is very very tormenting I really understand it’s such a cruel thing to go through it’s unrelenting.

But YOU are so much stronger than what is going on inside your mind really you are.

Don’t give into these horrible thoughts please once YOU firmly decide to fight back you will and you will WIN.

There is a great life waiting for you on the other side of this really there is, what you are going through right now is temporary and you will recover….. this isn’t a life sentence….

I understand that you are finding mindfulness challenging at the moment and that’s ok but you need to keep persevering with it.

You really can train your attention to be where you want it to be… it just takes practice.

Something I do regularly is just focus on my breath when my mind wonders I bring it back to my breath….. I do this daily sometimes for 10 minutes sometimes longer….. the more you practice it the stronger your attention will be and then YOU get to decide where you want your attention to be.
Please practice exercising your attention….. it’s like a muscle it needs exercise.

When you learn this skill you will begin to be able to move your attention away more quickly from your intrusive thoughts.

Also with the skill of meditation it will teach you just to sit back and observe your thoughts and not get caught up in them or follow them.

With practice you will be able to soar like a eagle around what’s happening inside your mind without becoming identified with it or attached to it.

Please let me know if you need help choosing a meditation.

Your thoughts can tell you what they like but YOU get to choose how you will react to these thoughts…….. this is where your “ power “ is.

If your thoughts are being loud and intrusive you could simply choose to not give them your attention and to just maybe say something calmly like “ oh gee brain is that all you have got”…

Once you stop feeding these thoughts with your attention they will slowly drop off.

Dont give into them because YOU have a light inside you that can’t be dimmed.

EMPOWER your light…….. and you WILL outshine any darkness.

❤️🙏💪

Re: My inner demons are winning

Petal22 — Wed, 14 Sep 2022 01:46:25 GMT

I read this quote this morning and thought of you:

Between the trigger and the response is a space ……

In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response, lies our growth and our freedom.