topic Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d... in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Constantly in this negative train

PocketRocket88 — Thu, 23 Jun 2022 23:39:36 GMT

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

Constantly in this negative train

Sophie_M — Fri, 24 Jun 2022 00:19:06 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing this here. We can hear you’ve been dealing with self-harm and thoughts of suicide for a while, and we can hear it's been really difficult finding the right support. Please know that you deserve to feel better, you deserve to be safe, and this community hears you. It’s incredibly strong and resilient to have shared what’s going on with us here.

We’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. In the meantime, we’d really strongly encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. You can also reach out online, here.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you, and help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app, Beyond Now might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.

As you have mentioned, when feeling unable to avoid acting on thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. This is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you. Thanks again for your bravery and openness in sharing what's going on for you here, PocketRocket88.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Constantly in this negative train

Petal22 — Fri, 24 Jun 2022 04:30:35 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

I'm so sorry you are going through this and also feel unheard by your recent attempts for help I understand the frustration and exhaustion.

SophieM has given you some great advice.

Have you thought about going back to your gp and letting them know how your currently feeling? You could discuss medication too if you want to. I was put on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety.

I understand how exhausting it is to be stuck in your head I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD I was always stuck in my head with alot of what if questions? I never wanted to act out my thoughts they just caused me a lot of distress.... they terrified me.

In the early stages of my condition I use to try to sleep so I didn't have to be confronted by the thoughts because they scared me so much I didn't know what my mind was going to come up with next and it terrified me.

Have you ever tried meditation? I found this to be a saving grace for me because it taught me that I'm not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts, I no longer identified with them.

I also did a lot of therapy that helped me with my recovery, are you doing a certain therapy?

My psychiatrist diagnosed me, have you seen a psychiatrist for what you are currently going through?

It's great that you are trying to keep busy and taking up new hobbies.

We are here to support you PocketRocket88 please stay with us your a valuable human being and we hear you.

Should I or should I not?

PocketRocket88 — Thu, 07 Jul 2022 05:25:44 GMT

TW suicidal ideations and urges

here I am again, on this constant loop that I couldn’t seem to get off… not too long ago I was taken to hospital coz I tried to take my own life… I got released within a couple of hours… i kept myself preoccupied with my mate these past few days and now I’m home alone with all these ideations and urges…. The ideations are very real to me, the urges are up there too…

funny thing is I’m afraid to come home but I’m not afraid to hurt myself… what do I do?

Re: Should I or should I not?

Sophie_M — Thu, 07 Jul 2022 05:46:05 GMT

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thank you for sharing an update here. We're sorry to hear you're struggling with ideations and urges right now. It's really important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero), or present to the nearest hospital's emergency department.

We are concerned about you, and so one of our team will be reaching out to you shortly to offer some support. We'd strongly urge you to reach out to us directly on 1300 22 4636, or get in touch with our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

It is so powerful of you to have been able to share this here. Thank you, PocketRocket88. We're listening. Please share a bit more about what's going on for you if you feel comfortable, or if you'd like to share what helped you through last time, our community would love to hear.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Constantly in this negative train

therising — Wed, 13 Jul 2022 21:16:26 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

What you're facing sounds so incredibly overwhelming. My heart goes out to you as you work so hard to make sense of it and manage it.

You mention a number of incredibly challenging factors when it comes to you trying to manage. In managing to stay out of depression (left long term depression behind me some years ago), some of the factors you face are ones I'm coming to learn to manage myself. Not saying I'm a master at managing, far from it at times. It's a process toward self mastery. To name a few

Living alone is something I can't do easily. Whether it involves physically living alone or mentally living alone (without reaching out for help), both offer challenges. I suppose it comes down to having too much time to our self, which can be a dangerous thing at times. Not living with a constructive 'leader' in our lives means not existing with someone who holds the ability to lead us out of where we are in our head, while leading us to make sense of how we came to find our self there in the first place
Not having the most constructive guidance is another factor. This is not just about no one guiding, it's also about the people who guide us in the wrong direction. Things can head south when we've got folk who are focused on what's 'wrong' with us. I've found true north is more so about coming to understand why we tick the way we do. For example, folk can say 'You're too sensitive' and 'You overthink everything'. Makes more sense to ask 'What are all the things I'm sensing?' and 'What am I trying to analyse the hell out of?'. There are perks when it comes to being a sensitive and an analyst. Unfortunately, these abilities don't come with an instruction manual
I've found 'To be in 2 minds' is not simply a harmless saying. In a deeper sense, it can become like a form of torture as an internal battle rages on, sometimes between life and death. I've found employing the exercise of determination can sometimes help a little. You know that old saying 'Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other'. Determining whether the internal dialogue is angelic or devilish can help with remaining conscious of how I'm ticking. Hell on earth or heaven on earth, no need to state which one depression is at times.

In constant loop

PocketRocket88 — Thu, 28 Jul 2022 21:29:09 GMT

TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND URGES

Every single day I wake up hoping that today will be different… a day without any troubles, a day without these nagging suicidal ideation and pesky urges. All I ask is one day why is it so hard to have one good normal day… every day is a constant battle between my physical self and my mental self… I feel that slowly I am slipping deeper into the dark side… my ideations feels real… the urge seems to linger longer than usual… fighting it Is getting harder by the minute… I feel like I’m nearly at my wits end in battling this problem… I just want to be free… is that too much to ask??? I’m slowly slipping away and I can’t hang on anymore… I want to just let go and let it be… whatever happens happens, I’m ready for the consequence of my actions…

Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

Sophie_M — Fri, 29 Jul 2022 02:07:33 GMT

Hey PocketRocket88,

We can hear you're in an extremely difficult space right now. Thank you for sharing this update here - we know it's not easy to share this, but it can be a realyl powerful step towards feeling better, and staying safe.

We’ve reached out to you privately to offer some support. If you'd like to reach the time directly, you can call or webchat the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 - we'd love to hear from you. We are available 24/7 and the team are really great to talk to when you're feeling like this.

We can hear you're really hoping and looking for a day without these urges and thoughts. One good way to explore how you can stay safe while dealing with them is Safety Planning.You can read about how it works and download the Beyon Now safety planning app here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone - we'd highly recommend doing this. At any point if you're feeling unsafe, or feeling like you may be unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).

Hopefully, we’ll hear from the community once they spot your post. Maybe you could share a bit more about what a different day, where you're not feeling stuck in this loop, would look like? Or what might help you get there? We think the community would be really interested to hear that, and may be able to share they're own perspectives with you.

We think it's really great that you could share here, and you never know who will feel less alone because of your post.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: In constant loop

therising — Fri, 29 Jul 2022 11:14:42 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

The absolute depths of depression is a truly torturous place to find our self in. I won't sugar coat it; it's the darkest part and the loneliest part of depression. It's the most hopeless place. I know it may not help but I'm there with you. I'm there feeling for you so deeply, in so many ways. I've been there and I don't want you to be there alone.

With all that has come to weigh you down over time, what weight would you remove first, if you had to, if you had no choice? What would be the first thing you would let go of? Would it be the expectations others have of you? Would it be the way you've come to wrongly label yourself? Would it be perhaps the sense of hopelessness others have given to you over time, through their words, lack of words, actions or inaction? If you knew letting go of one single weight would begin a process, which weight would you choose first?

Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

PocketRocket88 — Fri, 29 Jul 2022 11:16:25 GMT

TW STRONG SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES

My ideal or 'normal' kind of day is when I wake up to a gorgeous sunny day, not too hot but not too cold. To have a clear mind, no troubles or worries, with nothing to do but whatever comes to mind at that moment. Nothing can and stop all the possibilities ahead of me. I feel a sense of inner peace and calmness with a sprinkle of joy/happiness. I would also like to be with my family...

But that seemed it be just a distant dream or wishful thinking... I don't know if I can fight anymore ... Coz I always end up asking myself why bother when everything leads here anyways so why resist when all paths leads to this in the end...

The Hope jar is empty and I don't know if I'll be able to ever fill it up again...

Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

PocketRocket88 — Sun, 31 Jul 2022 03:27:58 GMT

I need some kind of reprieve from this agony I'm feeling...

I'm stuck and couldn't seem to get past this overwhelming urge to end this pain and suffering.... I tried to dig deep within me to find a reason why I shouldn't but Instead I came out with a few more reason why I should give in to the urge... Don't know where else I can go from here...

Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

PocketRocket88 — Wed, 03 Aug 2022 17:46:13 GMT

Got released from hospital yesterday… I was almost begging the doctors to let me stay one more night as I’m still a risk to myself but instead they still discharged me. I tried to end my pain and suffering even whilst I was in ED.

My ideations and urge remains the same… I couldn’t get myself out of this loop… it seems that this will be a never ending battle that one day it’ll consume all of me… at a brink of breaking and just fully giving up. I can’t continue like this, I know why you’s will be saying ‘that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel’ if there is a light at the end this tunnel how come I can’t see it… clocks ticking and my time is running short and it’s just a matter of time when I just won’t reach out and just do it… I am indeed nearly at my wits end now. I don’t know where to get help or anything that could help me…

Hey there, Thanks for sharing an update with us, PocketR...

Sophie_M — Thu, 04 Aug 2022 05:19:11 GMT

Hey there,

Thanks for sharing an update with us, PocketRocket88.

We're sorry to hear that was your experience in ED. It sounds like a really difficult few days, but it's really good that you're sharing here, continuing to persevere and reaching out when you're not feeling safe. Sharing this with us is a really strong and powerful action, so thank you for being brave and open.

Hopefully, we'll hear from some of the community once they spot your post, but in the meantime, our team has reached out to you to check in and see if we can offer some more immediate support. We'd also love for you to reach out to us directly, on 1300 22 4636 or online. We're really sorry that you've had this experience where you're asking for help and not really getting the support you need. That's really tough, and we'd love to chat and work out some alternative next steps with you.

Maybe you could help guide the community by sharing a bit about what you think might help you to stay safe while you're dealing with this?

Thanks again, PocketRocket88. It's not easy to share here but it's such a brave and powerful thing to do.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

therising — Thu, 04 Aug 2022 17:08:23 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

That's so incredibly distressing and disappointing, coming out of hospital with the same mindset. Having learned from experience that you can kind of be left twisting in the wind once you get out, the question becomes 'Where am I meant to go from here?'. To be fair, while hospital staff do an admiral job in saving our life, the sad part is they won't necessarily change it for the better. Not knowing how to change it is the worst part in coming out of there.

That 'light at the end of the tunnel' factor is definitely frustrating, to say the least. It wasn't until I gained a different understanding of my depression that I came to make better sense of the tunnel. I flipped it sideways. It went from a tunnel to a well. So the question became 'How did I get down there?'. So many things came to mind that allowed me to make sense of things. The light (enlightenment) came from a lot of the detective work involved, becoming more aware of the steps, stages or triggers down into the depression.

Have you ever worked on or have been led to work on what has led you down to where you now find yourself? There can be an enormous amount of factors. A lot can happen suddenly such as with trauma and all the factors relating to that trauma or there can be a gradual way down that's not so obvious, that can happen over a period of years. Then there are the factors that keep you down there (depressing situations, a depressing lack of enlightenment and/or self understanding, depressing people who refuse to help make a difference to you or don't know how to make a difference or intentionally or unintentionally keep you down, a depressing chemical imbalance, a depressing lack of energy that can come with a depressing level of mental and emotional exhaustion, a depressing lack of inspiration, a depressing combination of belief systems which won't allow you to raise yourself beyond where you are). While there can be even more factors, sometimes you realise you're working through all of the above. Truth is, it takes an incredible person to be working through all that.

With flipping the tunnel sideways, the light is not at the end but at the top. So the question becomes 'What will it take to raise you?'.

Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

PocketRocket88 — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 00:59:47 GMT

TW SEVERE SUICIDAL IDEATION AND URGES

I think I expect way too much from people that I always get disappointed... I always try to see the good in people and trust them with everything. But almost always they use, abuse and make me feel like an idiot for giving them all of me to a point that I got nothing left for myself... Time and time again I let people in and time and time again they bring me down to my knees... This is probably the comedown talking but I am dead serious when I say that I would rather be dead than go thru life in agony and pain... It's not worth it, my life is not worth living. Everyone including my family and friends are better off once I'm dead... I will no longer fight and just accept defeat.... I don't want to prolong this agony inside me, I just want to get off this carousel and be free from the chains that's holding me back...there's no light at the end of my tunnel coz it's barricaded by a wall... I'll just sit at the bottom of this well

Hi PocketRocket88, We can hear you’ve been dealing with...

Sophie_M — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 01:11:19 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88,

We can hear you’ve been dealing with self-harm and thoughts of suicide. Please know that you deserve to feel better, and it’s incredibly strong and resilient to have shared what’s going on with us here.

While feeling suicidal or having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

If you're safe, please reach out to Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you, and help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.

We’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. You can reach us directly on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. You can also reach out online, here.

While we're waiting to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread, we'd recommend having a look at some previous discussions from members who've shared what's helped them through moments like this, here.

Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

therising — Fri, 05 Aug 2022 12:26:44 GMT

Hi PocketRocket88

What would you say makes you more sensitive than most? Would you say you seem to be a more compassionate person, a more thoughtful person. Maybe you're a bit of a deep thinker, a philosopher of sorts, often wondering about things. Are you someone who can feel the needs of others more than they can feel your needs? Maybe you're someone who works hard to be inspirational for others yet when it comes to your need for inspiration they just don't do it for you. I find that last one to be a seriously tough one to manage. I can really relate to it. Perhaps, like myself, you're someone who can spend hours or days on and off in some form of thoughtful meditation, meditating on a solution or answer, wondering and thinking so deeply about exactly what another person needs to be able to really feel inspiration. Then you take them there and they feel it.

PocketRocket88, I find those who can be insensitive to be so deeply wounding and depressing at times. Do you ever find you can be incredibly careful with your words when you speak to others and it's like they're quite happy to give themselves the freedom to say whatever they like? Then you feel what they say hit your heart and your heart just sinks, taking you with it. Maybe at some point you even start to get angry. A bit like 'How dare those bleeping bleeps give themselves the freedom to say whatever they bleeping want!'.

For someone who's a real feeler, the comedown can be seriously brutal, that's for sure. You can feel how dark it gets and how deep it goes. While I left long term depression behind me some years ago, I still have occasional episodes. They can get very dark very fast. I found it's a part of the brutal side of being a feeler. It's a cruel way to find out but I believe all feelings have a spectrum. Pure love at one end, pure hatred at the other. Pure joy at one end, pure sadness at the other. Pure inspiration and pure hopelessness or despair at the other end. I've found it's the pure aspect, the complete unadulterated aspect, that leads us to feel the overwhelming nature of the absolute depths of depression, to the point where it feels unbearable. In this state, every lie becomes believable, including the ones that dictate we're worthless and we shouldn't be here.

Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

PocketRocket88 — Sun, 07 Aug 2022 05:12:32 GMT

Here I am again... In this never ending cycle... How does one get off this merry go round... My mind has indeed taken over me and that I can no longer fight... I give up and I have accepted the fact that my story will end.. Sorry world for being bad at it but we both know that I've done my best... And that's all I can do....

Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

PocketRocket88 — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 04:32:00 GMT

I know I’m someone who takes peoples needs before mine… even if I had to give all I got just to help someone out… I know that by doing so would always lead to disappointments and yet I still do it… time and time again I keep doing the same and ending up in the same position… I just couldn’t go and not help someone out when I can… I think that’s where I’m going wrong… I feel aweful inside when I don’t help when I can actually help someone out… so do I live with that aweful feeling or do I go out of my way to help someone out and end up being let down?

I had an eventful 24 hrs… the venue that I’ve been hired to work in has finally opened… I worked from 4pm til 2am… it was a long shift but I get good after working: I got overwhelmed at the first half hour or so whilst on shift but got it together in the end… and now after having few wee hours of sleep, I now am struggling mentally once again… this relentless on going problem just wouldn’t stop and let me have even just a few hours of normality… the urge is not the usual but have shifted to something else… how does one go about the day when your head is messed up… it’s again pushing me to that end and taking that leap just to stop this madness in my head… when will this ever stop? It seems like whenever something good happens I suddenly will hit a brick wall that I couldn’t seem to tear down… it feels like it’s time to stop and just give into the urge just so everything will then end and I will finally free from this agony within my head… this might be a selfish act but everyone should understand the pain I’m in right now and that giving into the urge is the only way to be free from this chain.

Re: Hey PocketRocket88, We can hear you're in an extremely d...

Croix — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 11:35:26 GMT

Dear PocketRocket88~

I hope you do not mind me popping in to your conversation here. I've read this one and your previous one:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/when-will-this-end-tw-suicidal-ideation/m-p/9589/highlight/true#M1163

And I'm worried about you

After all you have not been helped anything like as much as you wished by ED, your psychiatric team or others, and that can be a pretty frightening when one is afraid of what one might do, be it harming oneself or taking one's life.

Just to let you know I've had exactly the same fear and felt there was no path open to me to feel better.

Do you mind if I ask a couple of questions - no obligation to reply? It might make our conversation more useful for you

You talked about the obligation you feel to help others, trying you hardest, but it ends up in disappointment. Would you like to give some examples about what has gone wrong?

I too feel the same urge to step in and help, though frankly I've reached a more comfortable level now and do not step in nearly so often. This partly becuse my efforts were very temporary and did not lead anywhere.

I might help someone get their car fixed so they could work, but the next thing they'd let it run out of oil. Or I'd have an expectation if I helped them wiht a chore I would have appreciated a hand to help me with a chore in return. Never happened of course.

Another thing was if someone told me something in confidence they said they'd never be able to tell anyone else -then they simply went off and told others I'd feel I'd been taken for a ride.

This did not make me feel good about myself - more of a doormat actually.

Now I don't know if your experiences are the same or different, I'd appreciate an idea.

The other question was about going to work ('m glad you have work now), you did say getting the work and the first part of hte shift was difficult, but later on you felt better. Can you say what you think it might be that helped there?

I do hope you come back and we can talk some more

Croix