topic On the road back in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

On the road back

DRAS — Thu, 22 Oct 2020 01:26:28 GMT

I have a long history of depression and anxiety and some PTSD, i have struggled with it since i was a teenager, i have been off and on medication over the years, all different ones, and for some years i managed with out any medication, but over the last couple of months i have been spiraling down hill again, i had a loss of interest in everything i like doing before, i could not work out what i wanted to do, and then COVID hit and i was isolated for 3 months on my own, many times i thought about taking my life, as soon as i could i went to my parents place where my dad had been battling cancer for around 12 months, 3 days after i got there he died, mum seems to think he was just hanging in there till i could get there and see him one last time, he died at home with family around him, i watched my dad slip away, he looked peaceful, and more than anything i wanted to trade places with him, and the suicidal thoughts got stronger, i would wake up in the morning with really bad anxiety, by midday i was settled to a point and by night i would be in a deep depressed state.... i could not keep going like this, Yesterday i took my first steps to getting better, i went and seen a doctor, and have been put back on medication and have made a mental health plan and in one month i will be seeing a psychologist, today is just day 1 and i have taken my first tablet, i go back to the Dr's in one week to see how things are going.... i just wanted to share this with you all and i will try and keep you filled in on my progression in this post... for them that are in that dark place and don't know what to do, try what i have done and see your doctor, it can't hurt

On the road back

Sophie_M — Thu, 22 Oct 2020 02:08:20 GMT

Hi DRAS,

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. We are so glad to hear that you've sought help - we think you are so strong, and this is a really inspiring story.

We look forward to your updates about how you're going - feel free to post whenever you're feeling up to it.

On the road back

Not_Batman — Thu, 22 Oct 2020 04:07:09 GMT

DRAS,

i’m sorry to hear about your father. I’m sure that having you there made a difference.

well done on taking that step to go and see your doctor. You are right, going to see a doctor about your mental health cannot hurt. I hope that message can spread.

i wish you the best on your journey.

Not_Batman

On the road back

DRAS — Thu, 22 Oct 2020 22:26:32 GMT

Day 2, took my 2nd tablet last night but still woke up today with really bad anxiety, thow i don't like taking them i had to take a Valium, i know things will not change over night and this will take a while, i am trying to keep it together and it's really hard, i still have the bad thoughts and feeling of impending doom going on, but i am trying to block them out, it's just really hard, but all i can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope i start feeling better soon, it would be good if i could find something to interest me to take myself out of my own head so i don't just have revolving thoughts of bad things happening to my self or family members, but i truly don't have any inspiration to do anything

On the road back

Sophie_M — Thu, 22 Oct 2020 22:44:37 GMT

Dear DRAS

We are so sorry to hear about your anxiety still being quite debilitating. Thank you for sharing your experience here, we hope you recieve some support from others on this forum because you are certainly not alone in this experience. Finding a good distraction that works for you can take some time so we certainly encourage you to keep trying 🙂

Medication can take a little while to work, it is good to check in with your GP regularly when you are taking something new. Since all individuals can respond differently to different medications, we’re limited in the information we can provide. We do provide some general information on this page: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/treatments-for-anxiety/medical-treatments-for-anxiety or /  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/treatments-for-depression/medical-treatments-for-depression ] But it’s always best to raise any questions with the health professional who originally prescribed you the medication.

If you would like to talk these feelings through, please contact us any time on 1300 22 4636 to speak with one of our friendly counsellors.

Kind Regards.

On the road back

Ggrand — Fri, 23 Oct 2020 02:05:59 GMT

Hello Dear DRAS,

Like Sophie, I am very happy that you have reached out to your Dr. and will start on your mental health care plan soon...That’s hard to do..and you did it..Very well done..

I found with the meds, they take around 6 weeks to kick in properly and fell the benefits of them...Unfortunately they don’t work overnight, but with commitment to taking them, I hope very soon you will feel some relief from your mental health and unhealthy thoughts.,,

Its hard to try and find our motivation and inspiration to doing something that we like, depression and anxiety takes that away from us,,,Setting little goals each day is a step forward...Little walks, sitting in the healing sun while listening to music or the birds singing, helps me to get slightly motivated...I used to enjoy doing a lot of things before my mental health took a tumble..now those things are not enjoyable anymore..I look on the net to see if I can find something I would like to try...

I did try some drawing, it wasn’t for me..but at least it took my thoughts away for a few hours while I was attempting to learn and try it..Maybe, it’s something that you could try if you feel like it..is to search the web for something different that you haven’t tried yet....Maybe you might find something that will hold your interest and motivate you...enough to give it a go..I search Hobbies..then things to keep my mind busy...

You’re doing a great job, by being pro active with your mental health...and by doing so, your moving forward in tiny baby steps..even if you can’t see it yet...

Sitting with you Dear DRAS, with a listening heart..

My kindest thoughts with care..

Grandy..

On the road back

Not_Batman — Fri, 23 Oct 2020 10:26:53 GMT

Excellent work DRAS.

the first steps are hard, but keep moving forward.

Can you tell us about the hobbies you enjoyed before?

Not_Batman

On the road back

DRAS — Fri, 23 Oct 2020 21:16:35 GMT

Day 3
Hi guys
To start with i want to thank you guys for your support, it dose help.
Today i have not long woken up, the anxiety is not as bad as it was yesterday, i think the benzodiazepines can stay on the shelf today, i think i can handle it today, i don't think the SNRI has kicked in yet, it's only been 3 days, and i do know there is still going to be a bit of a rollercoaster ride...

Not_Batman:
The hobbies you enjoyed before where things like, fishing and camping, 4X4 driving and home improvements, i actually liked mowing my lawn and and making my yard neat and tidy, i liked working on cars and boats and fixing up things around the house... but it's like there's been a brick wall put in front of all that, there is no ematalal drive towards any of it any more, i don't feel the " I want to" feeling, if you were to ask me what would i like to do right now, its like my mind goes to a blank and i just can't think of anything i actually want to do, mowing the lawn has become just something i have to do among other things and even then i have had to get family to help, i feel exhausted all the time, there has been no joy in anything for some time now...

for now i will keep taking my meds and try to put one foot in front of the other and try and keep moving forward, i see the Doctor again in another 4 days to see how things are going and get some blood results to see if i am lacking in something

On the road back

therising — Fri, 23 Oct 2020 22:39:03 GMT

Hi DRAS

Sounds like you have faced some incredible challenges in the past and quite recently, with the passing of your father (such a sorrowful experience). My heart goes out to you.

You are raising your self in the most amazing impressive powerful ways. It can definitely be hard to raise our self under certain circumstances. Knowing when we need a co-manger (in the form of a friend, a professional or even medication which helps manage our chemistry) is a skill. You are, without a doubt, skillful in the way you are managing your self.

I can't help wonder whether self interest might be of interest to you at the moment. Being physically exhausted to some degree could tie in with some relaxed reading. Cannot recommend highly enough the collection of books written by a guy named Joe Dispenza. He's an amazing author who writes in an easily understandable way. Much of what he writes about relates to how we tick on a psychological and biological level and how the 2, mind and body, interact with each other so intricately. His latest book would have to be my favourite, 'Becoming Supernatural'. While there are many books out there which focus on the specific topic of mind/body/spirit, this book addresses the triad on a whole different level - neuroscience/epigenetics/quantum physics. It is a fascinating read. Epigenetics is an amazing field of study which dictates that we have the ability to positively alter our own DNA, under the right circumstances. Bruce Lipton is a highly enthusiastic researcher in the field of epigenetics.

It's definitely inspiring when we come across information that relates to how we're working or not working and are left with the revelation 'No wonder I feel or think the way I do. It makes perfect sense'.

Good call on the blood tests. From personal experience, I've found low B12 levels to be potentially depressing. While I'd battled depression and come out of it some years ago, a B12 deficiency really left me feeling like I was heading back there again, for no obvious reason (before the blood tests). What lifts our mind to higher consciousness (an open mind always helps), what lifts or boosts our body function to greater efficiently and what lifts our spirits to higher levels of energy and inspiration are all important when it comes to how we're raising our self.

Hoping your progress so far proves to be inspiring to you, as much as it is inspiring to me 🙂

On the road back

DRAS — Wed, 28 Oct 2020 02:16:32 GMT

Day 7, So we are now at week 1 and i have just got back from the Doctors, the last couple of days have not been as bad but still not really good, the blood tests come back that i was really low in vitamin D, i have some liver problems and my cholesterol is a little high... i must go outside more and walk or something, something that's really hard to do when you don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning, other than that he is increasing the dosage of my antidepressant medication, i still get thoughts of suicide, but there not as intense as before, for now i am just taking each day as it comes, i hope the psychologist will help more when i go and see them in 3 weeks...
Thank you guys for your support, till the next time i post

On the road back

Not_Batman — Wed, 28 Oct 2020 03:32:15 GMT

Hi DRAS

this is great news. Its not an overnight fix, but stick with it. One step at a time.

...well done!

the last time i got a blood test, the nurse was very rude to me. She took the needle, looked at me and called me a little pr*ck. 🙂 just a little joke to brighten your day!

Not_Batman

On the road back

DRAS — Thu, 29 Oct 2020 01:57:43 GMT

day 8 today has not been really good, really bad thoughts have come back, and i have had to be sedated i little, dam rollercoaster ride, i so wish i was normal, i ask myself a lot, why me? why is this happening to me, why can't i have a little happiness in my life, i feel like it will never be that way, but i will keep trying, take each day as it comes,

On the road back

Not_Batman — Thu, 29 Oct 2020 02:55:27 GMT

Hi DRAS

keep on track, and try to focus on the positives.

Roller coasters are supposed to be fun arent they? It can be more of a sock that has lost its elastic. You pull it up but it falls down, and the cycle continues. Thats annoying.

having that feeling of wishing for normality is, well normal. We want normality, we want to be happy and do things we enjoy. The ‘why me’ question, we’ve all been through that.

remember that you are in day 8, so its unlikely that you will be seeing any results yet. Keep pushing because You will return to happiness, you will return to normality, it just takes time, patience, and learning the skills.

i am very glad that you are still checking in.

Not_Batman

On the road back

DRAS — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 06:55:37 GMT

Hi all
Just letting you know i am still around, the meds are starting to work i think, i am a lot calmer of a day and was able to manage some small tasks today..
on a down side, i am starting to get paranoid, i feel like people are watching me or watching the house, this is not something new to me and something i will bring up with the Doctor on the next visit, it's not as bad as its been in the past but still scary in the way its come on, in my younger days smoking weed and self medicating would bring this on, but i have not smoked any of that for some time and only taken what the doctor has prescribed, right now i am able to rationalize it and keep it under control, but in the past it has lead to psychosis and i don't want to go back down that rabbit hole...
my signs are normally: Depression, then comes the anxiety, the feeling of doom, then come the paranoia, then comes the psychosis, the psychosis is normally where i act on them thoughts of suicide...
i need to keep a record of all this and this is the best place i can think of doing it, i hope one day my last post will be "i'm doing well and back to normal" and because my memory is so bad in times like this i will be able to read back over it and remember the signs better and not leave it till i am having bad anxiety like i have this time...

To my future self: this is just one of them times, don't wait so long to see the doctor, even if your just feeling a bit down and having passing thoughts of giving up on life, see a doctor now...

On the road back

Not_Batman — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 07:37:11 GMT

Hey DRAS.

excellent to hear.

its good that you have the courage to come clean about so many things. Im sure many of us will understand the situation.

keep pushing through.

Not_Batman

On the road back

DRAS — Wed, 04 Nov 2020 03:34:52 GMT

Hi all
well we are getting up to week 2 i think it is.
i can say things are better, i am dealing better but i am still having problems, things like trying to find things that interest me, and still wondering what life has to offer me, there is still just a big blank there, the suicidal thoughts come but go, i am not dwelling on them, i really wish i had some enthusiasm to get in to something, find something i could get interested in and lots into that will occupy my mind in a positive way, another 2 weeks before i see the psychologist, i hope i can get some stuff sorted out there, till then one foot in front of the other, take each day as it comes and try and do a little of something each day

On the road back

Not_Batman — Wed, 04 Nov 2020 04:11:13 GMT

DRAS, im so happy to hear that things are getting better. none of this will be fixed straight away, but sounds as though you are on the right track.

When i had my last major episode i lost interest in absolutely everything, and didn't have the patience or concentration for anything else. Now, im back into all those things, and there just isn't enough time in the day to do them all - the things you enjoyed will come back.

keep checking in!

Not_Batman

On the road back

DRAS — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 23:46:34 GMT

Hi all
Sorry i haven't posted for a while.

Things have been going ok, i am having less anxiety and my mood has picked up a little, but i still feel lost in the world, i still don't know what i want to do in life now, i am still struggling to find something i would enjoy doing. i am still stuck in the mud so to speak but it's a lot more bearable now, my brain is not just thinking about all the worst possible scenarios in life witch it was doing before, i am starting to see little glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel, not a lot, but little flashes of "maybe" like maybe i could do this or maybe i could do that, but i am still lacking the motivation to go forward, and the maybe thoughts don't last long, i see the psychologist in one more week, maybe, there's that word again, but maybe they can help me sort some stuff out

On the road back

Not_Batman — Tue, 10 Nov 2020 01:11:48 GMT

Hi DRAS

sounds positive, and headed in the right direction. WELL DONE!!

one step at a time, and that light will continue to grow.

celebrate every win you have throughout the day, pat yourself on the back for any achievement big or small.

Not_Batman

On the road back

AliasKind — Wed, 11 Nov 2020 05:35:35 GMT

Hi DRAS, I find it so encouraging and courageous of you to post so openly about your history. Thank you. I've never known or met anyone that has ever had a psychosis and I have had more than one now. I'm in the midst of rebuilding my life and previously went through many months if not nearly a year of what your experiencing, lack of motivation, not getting any enjoyment, not wanting to do things. I'd really like to follow your journey. I wish you well and feel almost as though I'm virtually sitting beside you in support.

I hope you come back, the maybe's are a great sign (I think) glimmers of light. You've got this, I can feel it x