topic The 11th hour in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

The 11th hour

Stormy7 — Fri, 11 Dec 2020 06:05:48 GMT

34 f , single mother, 4yo daughter, recent breakup after 7years together, he's the father of my daughter, he left me and was immediately dating someone else (single mother with 3 kids, recently single after long term relationship as well) he is so happy and I am barely functioning, have no family or friends to support me through this, am considering ending it all, the pain is too much to bear, am confident daughter will be looked after and my existence is a burden if anything. just want to stop thinking and feeling, every moment of existence is torture.

The 11th hour

Sophie_M — Fri, 11 Dec 2020 06:18:00 GMT

Hey Stormy7, welcome back to the Beyond Blue forum. We're really glad to see you rejoin us today.

We're so sorry to hear of the breakup between you and your partner of seven years, this must be so difficult. We know how painful it can be to have your partner seemingly move on so quickly. It sounds like you have a lot to manage at the moment with this life-changing event and not a lot of support to help you through it, but please know there is help available and you do not have to do this alone.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

Please know there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments, including Lifeline on 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

And if you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero).

Many in our community have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

The 11th hour

Emmen — Fri, 11 Dec 2020 07:35:24 GMT

Dear Stormy7,

I'm sorry about what you're going through. It hurts a lot when your partner moves on so quickly, leaving you alone. That feeling can leave us feeling empty and ready to end it all.

You're not alone, even if it may feel that way now. You have a 4 yo daughter who is your family. You're all the family she has left, and as much as you believe she'd be looked after, she'll be happier knowing her mother growing up instead of feeling alone herself.

You're going through an incredibly difficult and emotional period and being alone without support isn't good for you right now. I urge you to reach out to either Lifeline or Beyond Blue for support. You can also contact the Suicide Callback Service (1300 659 467).

If you feel comfortable sharing more in this forum, please reach out as well. We're here to support you.

Kindly,
M

The 11th hour

Bec3 — Fri, 11 Dec 2020 10:11:00 GMT

Hi Stormy7,

My name is Bec. I created this account just to reply to you. I came across your post while looking at the resources available on this website. I am on the beyond blue website learning about mental health, suicide prevention, and recovery strategies because one of my closest friends is in a very dark place at the moment. I would really like to know how to help him. He has shared that existing is extremely painful for him at the moment too, and in the past he has also shared that he has felt like a burden. To me, he will never be a burden. And I have not once, not even for a second, thought of him as a burden. That is why I believe that you are not a burden either. My heart is with you.

I do believe the help being offered by the beyond blue support service will be really beneficial. They have the experience to help in complex situations and they do really care. They can be your support during this time. As well as other health professionals or services in your local area.

Much love and warmth to you from Northern NSW.
Bec xo

The 11th hour

Stormy7 — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 05:22:10 GMT

Thank you for your reply. I have no idea how to get through this. I haven't replied to email as I can't even speak properly, everything that comes out is filled with nerves and I feel stupid for talking. I can't help myself out of this pit and I have no one that can help me either. I don't know how other people get through this kind of grief. It all-consuming. I appreciate your reply, I do feel so alone though. Every day and night is a battle to get through, and I'm so tired of not getting anywhere. I'm sorry to be so miserable and pessimistic, I just don't feel like there's any hope left anymore.

The 11th hour

Sophie_M — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 05:35:18 GMT

Hey Stormy7,

We can hear how much pain you must be in right now, but please know that you are strong and important, and worthy of support. If you feel comfortable, we would really encourage you to get back in touch through email so we can help support you through this. You never have to go through this alone, and there's always somewhere to turn to, and someone to talk to during dark moments like these.

If you'd feel more comfortable talking online, please also know that our friends at Suicide Call Back Service have 24/7 webchat available at: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

Our Support Service is also available through Webchat 1pm-midnight: https://online.beyondblue.org.au/ as well as our friends at Lifeline (from 7pm-midnight at https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat).

We hope that you can find some comfort here from our caring community. We're all here for you, Stormy7.

The 11th hour

Stormy7 — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 05:36:45 GMT

Thanks for your reply Emmen, it has been a double punch, triple punch, knockout, the way things turned out. He was apparently lying for a long time about loving me and said his feelings decayed over time due to his loss of trust in me (I was actually beyond horrible at times). The fact that he broke up and was immediately in a relationship with someone else leads me to believe he was emotionally if not physically cheating on me before we were officially over as well. Makes me sick. I still miss him though, I still care, and I don't want to, I want to be completely indifferent towards him, not constantly torn up about what I've lost.

I know my daughter will be well provided for and looked after, her dad is financially and emotionally stable, unlike me. She has her dad who she stays with every weekend and sees for dinner on Wednesdays, and the rest of her family, she wouldn't be alone. I think she would be better off, I can't function properly, she deserves better than I can give her.

Thank you for the suggestions, I have been in touch with lifeline, they suggested I see my go, which I did, he upped my antidepressants but it hasn't helped, got a mhcp, am on a waiting list for counselling in March, but I don't know how to get through til then, it is so long away, and the pain is excruciating every day. Even my dreams torment me, therebis no peace.

The 11th hour

Stormy7 — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 05:49:17 GMT

Hi Bec, thankyou for making an account to reply to me, that means a lot, I am very sorry your friend is in a similar mind frame, it is such a horrible heavy feeling to bear. He is very lucky to have such a caring friend as you, it is very hard to be alone while is the throes of despair. I hope your friend can find the strength and courage to get better, mental and emotional pain is unbelievably draining. I am sure he is very grateful for your support, as I am too. I just don't know how to make it through. I don't see anything but more pain I my future unfortunately. I hope your friend will be okay.

The 11th hour

white knight — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 06:04:30 GMT

Hi Stormy,

Thankyou for introducing yourself so well.

I'm 64yo and am on my second marriage of 9 years. My other 3 relationships all lasted over 7 years so I know what heartbreak you are enduring now. I know the answer to your problems so I hope you'll listen and give yourself a good chance.

First of all keep busy. It doesnt matter what you do, just do it. It might seem odd washing down your wooden fence with hair shampoo but so be it. lol. Dont stop but if you do as soon as your mind goes onto him, get up and find another task. I found that this "busy" thing worked for me when I started building my own home in 1996.

Second- accept the fact that in 3 months time you'll begin to feel better, 6 months and you'll be almost over it, 9 months and oyu'll be dating again or at least socialising. That's fact. This feeling of grief is temporary. And no, he isnt the only man you'll fall in love with!

Third- consider your family. My brother and uncle passed away by their own hands, myself and my sister attempted. I did attempt when my daughters were 7 and 4yo. A couple of years ago my eldest then 27yo walked down the aisle of the church and I gave her away. She said "Dad, thanks for making it here". Fact is she knew of my attempt and I nearly burst out crying know I came so close. Instead at the last minute I recalled what my father said to me once "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all". I'm so glad I carried on.

Finally- be radical. To "save " yourself dont be afraid of doing things that are unusual, visit someone interstate?, get a hobby, follow a sport, find yourself? Do relaxation etc.

The following threads will help, I'm that sure of it. Take your time and relax. You are in good hands here, a family of sorts. I'm here at least daily, continue pouring out your feelings as you wish

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/the-grief-of-separation#qgIQhXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/relationship-split#qoSRYHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

TonyWK

The 11th hour

Stormy7 — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 02:45:33 GMT

Thank you for your reply, I think I may try to get in touch, I honestly feel I have no one to turn to and that nothing helps. I don't know how to keep going through this every day. It's a nightmare from which I can't wake up. And I desperately want to wake up.

The 11th hour

Stormy7 — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 03:07:35 GMT

Hi WK, thanks for reply, it was very caring and I appreciate it. Unfortunately it seems no matter what I do, I can't get him out of my mind. I could not imagine going through three 7 year relationship break ups, you must be very strong.

I will try, I'm in a constant state of anxiety though, and whatever I do, my mind keeps having intrusive thoughts of him and I can't stop the feelings of despair and fear coursing through my body which makes it doubly hard to concentrate on whatever I'm doing.

I can't say that I will be feeling better in 3 months, or nearly over it in 6 months, least of dating in 9+ months, it honestly seems like I will always feel this way, and that's what I am afraid of , that I will never get over him or stop loving him. I want very badly to believe this is temporary, I want to stop grieving and missing him, to be able to have another relationship, it just feels hopeless.

I do consider my family, I am sorry for the loss you have experienced. I only want what is best for my daughter, it makes sense to me that she would be better off without me, and also the rest of my family. I have BPD, I don't want to inflict myself upon anyone anymore. I can't see a future without more pain.

I know only I can save myself, I'm just not strong enough. I'm not even a shadow of a person. I don't have anything I'm interested in, I don't know who I am at all, I feel too old and tired to keep going. I want to get better, I really do, it all feels impossible though. I am pathetic. Knocking back all suggestions with pessimism, I'm sorry for being so negative. I don't think I can get through this. I feel completely destroyed.

Thank you for the links, I did read them. I just feel hopeless. I want to feel better but it seems like I never will. I'm sorry.

The 11th hour

Sophie_M — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 03:21:15 GMT

Hi Stormy7, we're so glad to see you continue to engage with the forums and our community. We can hear how hopeless and overwhelmed you feel at the moment and just wanted to remind you that we are here if you'd like to speak these experiences through with a counselor. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Please let us know how we can best support you here on the forums.

The 11th hour

white knight — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 05:06:05 GMT

Me, strong? Well I ended up strong but no, I was a crying blubbering mess each time. That's why I know how you are feeling. Especially when my first marriage split and I was left without my full time fatherhood and watched my kids grieve for me until my next fortnightly access.

I'm also a highly emotional person (HSP) of which around 20% of the population is. We see things with emotion and no logic at the time.

Also with two ladies I dated I was obsessed that they were the only ones at the time that I'd ever love. That was so unrealistic.

Sophie has asked you now how we can support you on this forum. It is a good question because everything has been suggested. It is likely best for you to seek professional help although that doesnt mean you cant keep chatting here.

If you think of anything to say please do and we can address it.

TonyWK

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Pppanther — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 06:58:54 GMT

Hi Stormy. I too created this account to reply to you. For some reason your story struck a chord with me. You see I was a male version of you, I bought up my daughter single handed. She is now 23 years old (I'm now 57) and we have a wonderful relationship. That's what you will have with your daughter I promise you. You say you only want what's best for her. YOU are what's best for her, she doesn't want another mommy, she wants you. Please please please follow the advice of some of the wonderful contributors to this thread. (To White Knight: you are brilliant I love reading your posts). The only advice I can offer is to Try and think about your future together, what's a nice place that you would like to take your daughter to for her birthday. What hobbies do you think she will get involved in ? Imagine all her sports carnivals at school you have to look forward too, who knows you might even meet your future husband there ? Hang in there for me will you please Stormy, I beg you too.