topic Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Annewithan-e — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 13:00:07 GMT

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Sophie_M — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 13:14:12 GMT

Hi Anne(withan-e),
It really sounds like you're having an intense internal battle with yourself, which must be exhausting. We're so sorry to hear how conflicted you're feeling, particularly around physical and mental health concerns.

This is a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need but we would also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

If you're not already linked in with health care professionals and feel it may be helpful, we’d recommend reaching out to he Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 13:56:26 GMT

hey Anne(withan-e),

First I want to say that what you say makes complete sense. I know what you mean when you say you don't want to die but you're sick of feeling like you are and as though you would be better off not here. It can be hard to want to keep going sometimes when things get especially tough, and it sounds like you definitely have gone through a lot. I would suggest something; that battling it out and fighting to keep moving forwards is defined as success in many ways, not failure. You say you feel like you're trying hard to get better but feel like you're failing. Putting in the effort to get out of bed in the morning - or not, but that's ok too - is success in itself. You mentioned that there were elements of your life that suffered greatly during this time that you've only just come to realise yet, at the same time, you've still managed your work exceptionally. I know it may not feel like it but I can agree wholeheartedly that yes, I can tell you've been working super hard to get better but no, you aren't failing, you're doing the opposite. You don't have expect to be able to resolve everything at once Anne, and I would challenge you to make being regretful of being 'naive' or 'ignorant' a thought that comes, you acknowledge, and learn from. It can be hard to move forwards after tough situations in life but wanting to get better is the very first step which, is just another example of success.

Take care, we're all here for you

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Annewithan-e — Tue, 02 Feb 2021 11:08:51 GMT

Thanks, that’s so nice of you to say... but I’m not doing so well.

I’m kind of drowning in it all. Some days it’s harder to summon yourself to come back up for air...

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

quirkywords — Tue, 02 Feb 2021 11:23:30 GMT

Anne with an e

You have read that Sophie and jumpy jellyfish have given you support and helpful suggestions.
13 surgeries in last two years who affect you so greatly.

I can imagine you would feel overwhelmed but having an insight into your feelings .

I hope you can be kind to yourself,

takcare.

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Annewithan-e — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 09:18:04 GMT

Sorry.

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 09:25:13 GMT

Hey Anne,

Are you going ok?

You said it felt like you were drowning. I'm sorry it feels like that for you, this kinda stuff is hard, really hard, but you can push through.

Just wanted to check with you... what do you have to be sorry about...? We're here for you Anne... you can talk to us.

Jumpy

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Annewithan-e — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 10:17:02 GMT

I felt like my reply was ungrateful or inappropriate or something. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to fix myself, I feel so pathetic. I’m trying so hard, but I feel like I’m making it all worse, I can’t even do the forums right.

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 10:44:19 GMT

It's ok, your response wasn't ungrateful at all - you don't have to pretend to feel ok when you're not feeling it, and your not 'doing the forums wrong' at all. This is a space for people to share their struggles and get support from others who might've been through similar situations and want to help you and care about you. 💖

I understand where you're coming from when you say you feel pathetic... I can relate, and it can be difficult to shake the obstructive thoughts of worthlessness that cloud your judgement because those negative thoughts are individual what's actually real. You might not believe it at the moment, but you are not pathetic, you are worth it and you are strong and you deserve to get better. Reaching out is proof of that; having the courage to share with strangers what you're going through indicates that you want help. Taking it step by step or little by little is not a bad thing to do, it means you are moving forwards. It's the small steps, like reaching out here, or doing things for yourself to take care of yourself, like going for a walk, cooking a yummy meal for yourself or listening to music that can provide relief from the tough times. Pushing yourself to do things that might seem hard or not worth it which will make you feel better, if in the least temporarily. That being said, you don't need to feel any pressure to 'fix yourself' as you said because you are going through a lot and are likely the harshest critic of yourself.

Stay strong Anne, rooting for you 💜 take care and keep reaching out, you deserve to be and feel supported

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Guest_4643 — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 11:23:43 GMT

Hello Anne(withan-e), welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear how much you're struggling, and that you've had so many surgeries.

You're not a burden at all.

I'm here if you want someone to talk to, I'm sorry my reply isn't long and may not be helpful, I'm not sure what to say. But I do care, and I'm here to support you as much as I can, we all are.

Take care, stay safe xx

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Annewithan-e — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 12:17:30 GMT

Thanks Jumpy.
I have tried so hard to practice self care. I then struggle with feeling like an imposter or completely revert to ‘everything is okay’ mode where I stuff everything down.

my Ill health (physical) has coincided with a time of high distress as it seems my childhood has decided to jump up and scream for attention.

I wonder whether my body falling apart is in some part connected to my mental struggle, or if the body struggle has broken me down and I haven’t had the strength to continue to mask my brokenness related to my past.

Like I said I’m just torn between the fight for my life and being out of fight for anything. It’s so juxtaposed and even that makes me feel confused and helpless.

mb20lover thanks for being there. It really is incredibly hard not to feel like I am imposing on people. I’m trying to use strategies like this (writing here) to ease some of the more intense feelings, but it’s hard to trust that I’m not a drain, or being self absorbed or dramatic

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 12:53:24 GMT

I understand, I struggle to with self care or even doing basic things to look after myself sometimes, it can be hard to find the motivation. The 'everything is okay' mindset you described can also be a tricky one, because often you know at heart and you can try logically tell yourself sometimes that maybe no, not everything is ok, but the need to be perfectly fine and just 'get over' our feelings can be overwhelming.

Like you said, physical and mental health can go hand in hand - when one becomes hurt in some way, the other can suffer, something which works both ways. It sorta stresses the importance of not pushing yourself to get better quickly though because if you try to change everything for the better at once, failure to do so can feel pretty demotivating in comparison to gradual improvement. You can't change what you've endured both mentally and physically, but you can slowly move forwards. It takes time though, and sometimes additional support. As you may have heard before, just like physical health, mental health is something that can need and deserves the attention of professional support. Do you have someone who you can talk to about what you're going through throughout the mental aspect of this journey?

As for what you said about feeling 'dramatic' or 'self absorbed', I think most of us can relate to this feeling on different levels. When I first reached out and still, I've found myself constantly invalidating my struggles or feeling like I wasn't worth it. It was like there was a part of me that was agreeing something was wrong and I deserved exactly the help I wanted, but at the same time a much bigger part of me was telling me that I didn't deserve help or that my problems weren't as big as everyone else's. Slowly though, I've been able to find more of an equilibrium as to validating myself. This thinking has come from a lot of self doubt but slowly but surely it has improved. Maybe something to keep in mind 🙂

Take care Anne xx

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Guest_4643 — Fri, 05 Feb 2021 01:26:57 GMT

You're not imposing on people, it's all good. I get what you mean though Anne(withan-e).

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Annewithan-e — Fri, 05 Feb 2021 13:29:09 GMT

Thanks guys, in struggling my way this week, that’s hand in hand mental/physical battle of being a burden and not trusting myself, I again doubted whether I was actually unwell or it was in my head.

Well I caved to pressure and went to hospital, been admitted now. I feel a bit silly like I don’t need the fuss but just trying to settle myself in for the night. I’m torn between relief it’s not in my head and disappointment that I’m here again.

Thanks for being here and ‘getting it’. Xx

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

smallwolf — Fri, 05 Feb 2021 23:12:56 GMT

hello Anne - I know some Ann's without an e 🙂 and some with...

I hear what you say about not wanting to feel like burden, disappointment and perhaps everything else in between. When I am speaking with someone else about a thought or feeling, I will typically start with "I know this sounds odd/weird/stupid ... "

For me, logically I know my next statement should not effect me (I wish it did not) but there is some emotional tug within me that causes this feeling. So I have say a disconnect between the logical and emotional thought.

I also noticed in your first post about putting work ahead (?) of evrything else. That is something I do. It is that feeling that "I have to do it", and I cannot afford to have things left undone, people depend on me etc. It is also the way I was raised. It can be hard to put ourselves first. Yet sometimes this is what we have to do.

self care thing whether this is writing a journal or going out and doing something can be initially hard. It was for me at least.

Perhaps the one through all this is (for me)... (i) things take time, (ii) as long as I am moving forward it does not matter how slow I go, (iii) on the way up the mountain I will sometimes have to go through a valley for a better path.

Courage took to you hospital and will help you though this.

Peace to you, Tim

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Annewithan-e — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 10:03:08 GMT

I am feeling, something so huge. I don’t know what it is. Rage, helplessness, defeat, pain. I can’t even define it.
but

i just

want

stop.

I am so done. I don’t know what to do I just can’t tolerate it.

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Sophie_M — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 10:09:01 GMT

Hey Anne,

Thanks for checking in on the forums. It sounds as though you're experiencing some very heavy and overwhelming emotions at the moment. We hope that opening up about these feelings can help you to better understand and manage them.

Can we ask if you are receiving mental health support? Please do feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you feel would be beneficial.

Many in our community have experienced similar feelings and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

jumpyjellyfish- — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 10:32:00 GMT

Hey Anne,

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and I get that it's hard that you don't know what to do to fix it. When you're really overwhelmed, especially when it feels like its for 'no reason' or you don't know why you're feeling upset and distressed it can feel hopeless, or like there's nothing you can do. Believe me, I understand that and I am rooting for you you are so so strong and I know this sounds cringey, but I know you're feeling overwhelmed at the moment, but before now you've felt all sorts of emotions, and you are going to continue to feel all sorts of emotions - including positive ones.

Is there something you could do to help ease your mind away from your feelings, or at least try to make them lesser of an issue for you? For me that's listening to music - usually things that reflect my mood or that are inspiration but not cheesy if you know what I mean. Another thing is just going for a walk, or run or whatever - just getting out of the house for a while. Anything to just help ease up the thoughts and emotions you're dealing with.

We're here for you when you need keep reaching out I promise things will feel better and if you want to talk through more about the emotions you're experiencing here feel free to do so we're all here to listen to you. You deserve support and to feel better 💖💖💖

Take care, hugs xx

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

smallwolf — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:32:56 GMT

Hi Anne,

there is not much more I can add to the previous responses. I just want to you know that people here care about you and will listen. If you want to talk about this or something else....

Peace and comforting thoughts to you

Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Annewithan-e — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:47:38 GMT

Thankyou Tim. I appreciated your post. I’m struggling with the time. How long it’s taking, but most of all the feeling a falling backward even though I’ve worked so hard for every millimeter gain. Nights like tonight are the ones where it’s hard not to give in.