topic Disappointment in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Disappointment

LittleMissAlice — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 22:18:57 GMT

Hi, I haven't been on here for ages (which i guess is a good thing actually) and i usually only posted on the lgbtq+ forum but here we go

Anywho so this has been building up for a while i guess, my self esteem has been on a very tangible down slope which ive only been noticing recently. I guess its mostly my dad? at least thats the most obvious source? We've never had the best relantionship and normally i can just ignore his massive dickheadedness but lately i cant help but notice whenever he cant go two minutes without commenting on my utter uselessness and how completely unprepared for the outside world im going to be. This is my last year of school and the stress is just building what with car licenses and exams and independence and all that and on top of all of it ive got someone constantly reminding me that its hard as heck and im gonna screw it up. Im feeling absolutely awful and i dont know how to feel better. Im having suicidal thoughts because it just feels like the easiest way out of everything. Any advice would be appreciated.

Disappointment

Sophie_M — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 23:18:04 GMT

Hi LittleMissAlice,

Welcome back to the forums. We understand that it must be very overwhelming to experience this build-up of thoughts and feelings, we hope you can continue to use this space to unload some of this burden and talk things through. Navigating your last year of school must be very stressful and we imagine that it would be especially difficult when feeling like your family doesn't understand what you’re going through. Please know our community is here to help you through this.

As you’ve mentioned that you’re experiencing thoughts about suicide we have asked our Support Service to check-in with you via email.

For additional support and advice, you may also find ringing Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) to be helpful. They offer free phone counselling services 24/7 and you can even contact them via email or webchat through their website: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

When you feel up to it, check back in to let us know how you’re going – you’re note alone in this.

Disappointment

smallwolf — Wed, 27 Jan 2021 11:31:36 GMT

Hi. Welcome back. Sorry that it had to be under these circumstances. The last year of school can be stressful enough without copping it from your dad as well.

Fwiw... I would say that I was unprepared to life in the real world when I left home. Somehow I have made it. Things have changed between when I was your age and now. In fact my daughter finished high school last year. And the same between myself and my parents. We all learn how to navigate through life...study, bills, work etc.

If I were allowed to give you one bit of advice - perhaps you could have a chat with a school counselor or with kids helpline.

Also, given you are returning here - do you have any techniques or strategies from when you were last here?

How do you get on with your mother? Perhaps you could have a chat with your mum about how your dad talks to you.

Have you started school yet? If so I hope it went ok.

Listening to you, Tim

Disappointment

Guest_4643 — Wed, 27 Jan 2021 12:04:56 GMT

Hey LittleMissAlice, welcome back to the forums.

I'm sorry you have a lot on your plate so to speak, and you're under a lot of stress, etc. I just wanted to pop in here and say that you're not useless, and you're not a dissappointment. Unfortunately there's too much pressure placed on you currently, but you're doing your best, and one thing at a time, and that's all that matters. I'm sorry about your Dad being like that too.

Best of luck with everything. I'm sorry I can't help further, but I care and I'm here for you.

Disappointment

geoff — Wed, 27 Jan 2021 18:11:49 GMT

Hello LittleMissAlice, I'm sorry I had replied to you but somehow my internet security went off and turned my phone and internet off, so I lost the reply, that frustrates me.

My apologies.

Geoff.

Disappointment

LittleMissAlice — Thu, 28 Jan 2021 02:44:36 GMT

oops sorry for not replying sooner, i originally posted this on the family issues page and i only just saw the email saying it had been moved here, woops. Thanks so much for the advice everyone. I have talked to my mum before but theres not much that can be done in that sense. We do have a good relationship but shell never hear anything against my dad, which i get, but isnt very encouraging. I do like the school counsellor idea so i might go see her 🙂 Thanks again!

Disappointment

LittleMissAlice — Wed, 03 Feb 2021 02:12:22 GMT

*update time* ive been to see the school counsellor, shes really helped me out in terms of life after school and all that, which is nice 🙂 bad news is that my boyfriend of three years has been cheating on me for the past two months. I know ill get over the break up itself, so thats all good i guess... its just the cheating. ive havent had many relantionships in my life, but all of the ones ive had have ended in me being essentially discarded for someone else and it absolutely sucks. i was talking about feelings of low self-esteem and uselessness before and this honestly could not have come at a worst time, just the idea that even a three year long relantionship that i thought was going well i screwed up just as badly as everything else i try to do. i feel like ill never be good at anything and theres no point in me even trying to attempt the rest of my life because ill never acheive anything, let alone basic comptetence. i hate this so much and all the suicidal thoughts id been having and all the reasons i had for ending it all are flooding back in and i dont know what to do. My dad still yells at me every second minute for not being able to do simple tasks, and i dont find it hard to see where hes coming from anymore. Im an idiot, im useless, and if i can barely carry out basic human funtion then im obviously not going to be able to handle the rest of my life. I guess if i can say one good thing, its that the breakup has made me feel slightly less 'omigodineedtokillmyselfrightnow'? i have no idea why, but i guess thats nice. maybe im just self concious of what other people would think of me afterwards. killing yourself because of a breakup just seems kind of silly to me? or maybe im just completely heartless. i dont know. im just typing random things at this point, i have no idea how much of that made any sense. thanks anyway

Disappointment

therising — Wed, 03 Feb 2021 11:30:52 GMT

Hi LittleMissAlice

Trying to raise our self is incredibly tough at times, especially when we find our self surrounded by people who either leave us vibing at the same unhappy level or, even worse, bring us down. The fact that you've come here and that you've managed to speak to a counselor makes it obvious how hard you are trying to manage raising yourself. Figuring out ways to manage such a monumental undertaking can feel mind blowing and deeply challenging at times, that's for sure.

I'd spent quite a number of years in depression, questioning who I was and 'What's wrong with me?!' before eventually coming out of it and having a good look around through a new perception. I couldn't believe the amount of people around me who weren't raising me in the way I really needed them to. If anything, they were trying so hard to have me fit back into a mould they were comfortable with. Such a mould can be so conditional. If people have you fitting into a mould that dictates 'Don't rock the boat. Don't question all the things that really need to be questioned (such as your dad's seriously degrading and questionable behaviour). Don't speak of what means the most to you, if it means nothing to us (we'll degrade it). Don't be too sensitive, toughen up'. My goodness, the list can go on and on when it comes to that destructive and suffocating mould. In it, we can't come to be our self, finding our self saying 'I just don't know who I am anymore'.

To find your self, your true self, means to break the mould. I've found that such an endeavor does not make one terribly popular. In fact, we can be deemed as 'Stupid, ridiculous, difficult, selfish, thoughtless, over sensitive, weird' and so on. Breaking the mould is tough and it can feel lonely at first but in time you come to find the best in yourself, your unconditioned self. You come to vibe with those who've broken theirs.

Btw, people who cheat in relationships lack constructive open communication, responsibility, personal integrity and honesty during the time where they disappoint them self from these traits. You'll know you've found a keeper when they remain committed to appointing these traits to the relationship. Don't blame yourself for another's lack of commitment.

Instead of believing in the identity your dad and others give to you, my wish is for you to begin wondering about who you are beyond this identity, this identity that is so far from the truth. Coming to wonder so much automatically makes you wonderful 🙂

Disappointment

Guest_4643 — Wed, 03 Feb 2021 11:59:53 GMT

Hey LittleMissAlice.

I'm glad the school counsellor was helpful, but I'm really sorry to hear that your boyfriend was cheating. He sounds like an awful person if he did that to you, I think you're a lovely person, so that's his fault, you did nothing wrong.

Your Dad sounds nasty too, I'm sorry you're going through that. You're not an idiot, you're not a disappointment and a failure, and you are good enough. You're good enough at whatever you do.

Are you safe right now? I'm thinking of you, please stay safe. You're loved and cared for, even off the forums.

I wish I could help you more.

Disappointment

smallwolf — Wed, 03 Feb 2021 12:13:22 GMT

hi. your post made sense to me. 🙂

when I was i high school there were various incidents that made me feel less about myself. I guess that some of it was my normal so I also accepted it. It is also to see yourself in terms of how others talk to you. And yet somehow I have created a life for myself and I think you will also. I did not get into Uni and so I took a different path .I sort of fell into the work that I do as a result. Some things that I did not like at school I found easier at Uni when I did get in. (For the record... still have many issues to address with my psychologist.) We all have strengths and skills and talents. And I know you would also.

On your BF (now ex) ... it saddens me that he cheated on you and I dont think it is a reflection on you. Again, perhaps hard to believe this (thinking about self again). The person you meet one day will like you for you and respect your views etc. But with breakups there will likely be that period of time where you grieve what you had. And here you have the school counsellor, friends and us here or kids helpline which has stacks of good resources.

Disappointment

LittleMissAlice — Mon, 08 Mar 2021 23:38:58 GMT

Thanks everyone, i really wanted to reply to all of you but i just dont have the energy anymore. Just writing this incredibly non-committal response is exhausting. i dont know how to do this anymore, everything is only getting worse, the pressure is building, my dads constant put downs are only getting worse and i have lost any and all motivation to want to do anything. i dont know what to do

Disappointment

Sophie_M — Tue, 09 Mar 2021 00:02:44 GMT

Welcome back LittleMissAlice and thank you for checking in.

We're sorry to hear your struggles feel like they're getting worse. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

We also want to remind you to reach out for more immediate support than the forums can provide if you feel you need to. We mentioned KidsHelpline upthread and encourage you to reach out to them. They offer 24/7 webchat counselling if you'd prefer to type than talk. Headspace is another great organisation. They have physical centres you can drop in to across the country and their website is packed full of information you might find helpful as it's tailored to young people like you 25 and under: https://headspace.org.au/
And please remember you can reach out to the mental health professionals at our support service 24/7 on 1300 22 4636.

Disappointment

LittleMissAlice — Tue, 09 Mar 2021 04:25:56 GMT

Thank you, sophie. im just really struggling to talk to people about it. like i said, i went to the guidance counsellor but i just couldn't bring myself to talk about it properly. i told a friend but i dont think they really understand. I'm not sure talking to someone will really help if i cant even talk about it to one of the people closest to me