topic I don't know what to do with my life in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

I don't know what to do with my life

I_Need____ — Mon, 12 Oct 2020 10:32:36 GMT

Hey

I'm currently attending high school. I feel like my life isn't important, and it doesn't mean anything to me. I try to help myself, but I'm always to stressed with school work, since I have the type of parents which if I get under 90%....
I just don't know what to do anymore, since my life has just become gaming and netflix. I went back to school for the first time today, everyone else seemed happy but I just couldn't concentrate. I'm just here to try and get help people and find some help for myself. I have been worse at times, but I feel like if I don't do something soon I could do myself harm. I'm too scared to tell anyone about my thoughts since I told a few of my close friends, who didn't really care or believe me. I feel like whenever I'm doing something I usually enjoy, I've just lost all my enthusiasm.

I don't know what to do with my life

Sophie_M — Mon, 12 Oct 2020 10:55:07 GMT

Hi I_Need...

Welcome! We understand it can be tough to post for the first time, so we are grateful you decided to reach out. We're so sorry to hear that you've been so stressed that you are considering self harm. It sounds like you are feeling a bit lost and alone with these thoughts, and we understand it must be overwhelming. Please know that you don't have to sit with these thoughts alone - we are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support. We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ It might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 by young people 25 and under via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

Headspace is another organisation we would recommend, they are specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services including counselling and group programs. They also have a group chat on their webpage - https://headspace.org.au/

Many of our members will understand and may be able to help. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you in this difficult time.

I don't know what to do with my life

I_Need____ — Tue, 13 Oct 2020 09:27:07 GMT

Today I kept on thinking about contacting the helpline. A few teachers came up to me asking if I was fine today, and I just lied. I normally have confidence but things like this destroy me. I'm just wondering who will find out when I contact the helpline. I haven't told anyone since I told my friends who dismissed it. I'm just not comfortable with having my thoughts on myself, but I don't want my parents to find out, since they are already stress enough. I feel like I'm almost a third parent around the house, being the second oldest, I have to manage my younger siblings.

I don't know what to do with my life

tranzcrybe — Tue, 13 Oct 2020 11:04:31 GMT

Hi I_Need....,

Thanks for seeking someone to support you through all you are suffering right now. Sometimes you just can't carry it all on your own and being able to ask for help should not be seen as a weakness.

High expectations and parental stress can end up impacting how you feel about yourself and leave you denying your own needs - gaming and netflix may seem like an interest, but they are often escape/coping mechanisms when you are stressed.

Your desire to help others is reflected in taking on family responsibilities and that is admirably selfless as you battle your own thoughts about commitment to your studies against preoccupation with addictions to entertainment.

We often see parents and teachers as one dimensional (parents 'demand', teachers 'teach') whereas they are far more dimensional than that. Reaching out to your teachers will provide pathways to address and remedy your burdens, and speaking with your parents may reveal much more beyond your initial observations to help you cope better (perhaps removing/reducing some obligations that are not your responsibility).

Having courage to seek help for your gaming addiction should also aid your return to focus on what is truly important to your future.

Any thoughts?

Regards,

I don't know what to do with my life

I_Need____ — Wed, 14 Oct 2020 06:37:50 GMT

Today I had a goal, which was to tell someone about how I'm feeling. The end of my school day came, and I hadn't said anything to anyone, and I a teacher saw that I wasn't feeling great, so he came up to me. I said no, which I instantly regretted. As school concluded, I went up to a good friend, but didn't have the courage to tell him. I knew I had stuffed up again, so half an hour later, I texted him, telling him how I felt.

The relief I had was amazing, and I finally don't feel as completely alone. Although this was a small step, it was one in the right direction, which I'm happy about. I think tomorrow I'm going to try and tell someone else.

I was thinking about what you had said, and I decided that gaming was a coping method I use, and that I've also lost enjoyment in it, including most of the other things I use to enjoy. I don't know if that is part of what I'm going through at the moment.

I'll post depending on what you suggest and how my life plays out. Thanks for the support.

I don't know what to do with my life

tranzcrybe — Wed, 14 Oct 2020 11:43:01 GMT

Hi I_Need....,

Happy to hear whatever thoughts are on your mind.

Just expressing how you are feeling can provide much clarity - curious, really, but I think it's because you find yourself actually listening to what you are saying by trying to find the words.

Kind regards,

I don't know what to do with my life

therising — Wed, 14 Oct 2020 21:04:00 GMT

Hi I_Need....

I'm so glad to hear you have started speaking to people about helping you manage your mental health.

I believe there is only one way to make a positive difference and that is to seek it, to seek difference. You will know when you have found the person or the people who will make a difference - you will feel a difference. You mentioned you already feel a difference, having spoken up. Relief is a truly wonderful thing to feel.

I hope it helps you to know that even at the wise old age of 50 🙂 there are times where I know that the only way for me to stay out of depression involves me sometimes finding those who will make a difference in the challenges I face. There are some things too overwhelming for us to go it alone. Finding a reliable circle of people who can help us manage the variety of challenges that come our way in life is incredibly important. In our circle, we may have someone to help us manage our mental health specifically, someone to help us manage rising to the adventures or excitement we so desperately need, someone to help us manage our time or work, even someone to help us manage to open our mind to different possibilities or angles in life or someone to help us manage to find inspiration. Such a circle is so important. Even that person who always manages to get a smile out of us is incredibly valuable.

I have found that forming such a circle is a very conscious undertaking. Only those who make a difference become a part of that circle. Those who make no difference or those who bring us down are not invited. Forming this circle is a challenge, a challenge you're now beginning to accept by the sound of it. You're a powerful person who has accepted the challenge of making a difference. You should feel incredibly proud of having become this person.

By the way, I believe an important part of any challenge or quest is...to question. Do you believe it a reasonable question to ask 'Why would you (parents or teachers) make academic achievement priority over mental health?' I imagine you have many intelligent questions to ask of others.

🙂

I don't know what to do with my life

I_Need____ — Thu, 15 Oct 2020 09:31:13 GMT

Hey,

As you said, it is kinda weird that my parents prioritise my grades. Although I don't tell them about how I'm feeling, I get the feeling they notice when I'm flat, but it's almost like they don't care about it. They want me to do well at school, saying that I'm smart. But I get stressed out, especially in group tasks, because I feel like my partners either don't do the work or I have to redo it, since it isn't at the standard my parents want it to be at.

With my health at the moment, I feel kinda flat, like a deflated ballon. I felt happy when I told a few friends about how I was feeling, but I know see that there is much more to it than that. During classes, I am unable to get my work done efficiently, with my concentration ruined at times. Today I had a mental break down, out of the blue, and I just ran out of the classroom to the toilets. I don't know why this happened but I believe it has something to do with this. Further thoughts on this would be appreciated.

And thanks to all of you who are taking time out of your day to help me.

I don't know what to do with my life

tranzcrybe — Thu, 15 Oct 2020 13:14:41 GMT

Hi I_Need....,

Running out sounds pretty intense - how are you feeling now? Did you receive any follow up/response from classmates or teachers afterwards?

I think when it comes to school work, most parents live in a fantasy world where they assume their child will simply waltz through without batting an eye - such is vicarious living! On the other hand, our teachers are well aware of the impact covid has had on students basically left to 'fend for themselves' to keep up the workload. Having undertaken 'Correspondence Courses' myself in the past, I can relate to the virtual impossibility of stepping up to be responsible (hence the netflix, I guess... ah, but I'm in no position to judge!).

Are you feeling self conscious about your 'reputation' in the eyes of your teachers also? If so, please don't, and have a conversation with them. It is no reflection on your intelligence, and talking openly with teachers is actually a sign of maturity (which I didn't learn until Uni) - teachers can be transformed into very caring people when a student shows courage and trust to reach out for support.

The key is to be honest and face up to your own contribution to the situation - much emotional energy is consumed trying to dance to the beat of a different drum. Acknowledging your feelings and expressing them is a good start. Acting on them is probably the step you need to be taking now.

I am sure you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders.

Kind regards,

I don't know what to do with my life

I_Need____ — Tue, 20 Oct 2020 06:47:15 GMT

Hey,

Sorry for the late response.

I feel like I've gone backwards with how I'm feeling. I feel like the only thing keeping me here is music, my favourite thing at the moment, I love it more than anything. I don't know if it's weird, but it is how I feel right now.

The people I opened up to haven't really said anything about it since I told them. And no, after I just ran out of the class, no one said anything.

I don't believe that I have got any better now, and I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction. Suicidal thoughts will flood my head sometimes, but other times I see that life is great. It confuses me to think about how my perspective on life changes so quickly.

Further thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks

I don't know what to do with my life

Sophie_M — Tue, 20 Oct 2020 07:03:28 GMT

Hi I_Need...,

We're sorry to hear that you feel you are moving backwards. It can take some time to find the right treatment and support that works for you, but things can always get better once you start finding the right things. We're concerned to hear that suicidal thoughts are sometimes flooding your head, so we're getting in touch with you privately just to check in.

We're glad to hear that you are considering contacting the helpline. Kids Helpline is free, private, and confidential, so please don't fear that other will find out you've gotten in contact with them - https://kidshelpline.com.au/

It can sometimes be difficult for others to talk about your feelings with you, or reach out to you. It doesn't mean that they don't care, just that they aren't sure how best to help. We'd recommend that you do open up to a trusted friend or family member since this has been so helpful in the oast. This page might best helpful for you for when you do want to talk to someone about what you're going through - “Talk about it"” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it

It's good to see that the forums have been helpful for you. Please know that you can always chat here whenever you need to.

I don't know what to do with my life

tranzcrybe — Tue, 20 Oct 2020 11:06:19 GMT

Hi I_Need....,

Good to hear from you, but sorry things aren't working out as you'd like at the moment. BTW, no need to apologise - feel free to drop in anytime and whenever you need an outlet.

Opening up to others is more for your benefit to express what is weighing on your mind - unless you specifically ask for some response. Friends are often at their most supportive by simply hearing and acknowledging how you feel. Have you spoken to teachers also? You may want to raise more specific concerns about your fluctuations with a school counsellor or just some teachers you feel comfortable with. It may even be time to address your struggle with your parents as they love you and only want the best for you - nothing is more important than your happiness.

Music is such a powerful influence with its ability to motivate or soothe - a language everybody speaks. Do you play an instrument also?

Sometimes, priorities change over time and new interests take their place as you discover your own life beyond school. You have been a diligent student and dutiful child in obtaining the results your parents expect of you, but perhaps you have not had enough time to discover yourself over those years. You may be fighting a duality of how you need to be seen with how you actually feel. Being reluctant to raise this with your parents may give credence to my view.

Being true to yourself can bring you inner peace, but a little sensitivity to the aspirations of others is also required to find understanding. There are many exciting adventures ahead of you no matter what direction you choose in life, and pursuing things you love, be it career or hobby, is the ideal quest.

Kind regards,

I don't know what to do with my life

therising — Tue, 20 Oct 2020 18:52:27 GMT

Hi I_Need....

tranzcrybe has raised some excellent points worth greater consideration. To consider telling your parents exactly how much you're struggling may make a difference. If they don't understand at first, you'll need to lead them to understand, even if it takes having a breakdown in front of them. Completely let loose if you have to (major energy vent). Make them responsible for the impact their pressure is having on you. Make sure you don't do anything to harm yourself in the process.

Discovering your self is highly significant. When we come to know our self, we're able to develop skills. It is a skill to know what you can and can't tolerate and what you will and won't tolerate from people and situations. Understanding your mental and physical emotions is also skillful. Personally, I see emotion as energy in motion. The mental energy that comes with thoughts can impact the physical energy systems in the body (such as the nervous system, to name one). Stressful thoughts can ramp up the body's energy. The extreme physical emotion (hyperactivity) in the body can impact the mind and our thinking. We can definitely have our self getting worked up at times as the the body and mind interact together into higher and higher states of activity, until there's a system shutdown in certain cases (we faint).

Another aspect of self can involve the self we've been led to forget, our true self. While we can be led to identify with greater pressures and responsibilities, identify with ways in which we are told to present our self to the world and identify with ways that have us barely tolerating the superficial nature of life, we can lose sight of our super natural self. We can lose our true identity. In my opinion, 4 year olds are masters at life. They crave excitement, live in wonder, sleep when they're thoroughly exhausted, demand answers (they ask 'Why?' to just about everything questionable), they have no interest in how they appear to the world, etc. To maintain this natural self and build upon it, master it, as we mature is ideal. This rarely happens. Most times, when we're dismembered from who we naturally are, we have to go through a process of re-membering our self. 'I don't know who I am anymore', often precedes this process.

Our perspective and mood can change depending on who we're around (raisers or downers), what we are having trouble letting go of, the amount of energy we have or don't have and the inspiration or revelations that come to us.

🙂

I don't know what to do with my life

I_Need____ — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 09:59:42 GMT

Hey,

The last few days have been bad.

I had a mental breakdown at one stage during school, and I my teacher realised something was up with me. She came up to me, I said that I wasn't fine, but didn't put down to anything specific.

I completely opened up to a friend though, not sugarcoating anything, but this was done through texting. He recommended me seeking further help, but I just don't think I'm ready for a professional. I'm going to try and tell a teacher about how I'm feeling.

I play cello and piano, recently picking up piano. Music is truely wonderful. I feel like I'm normally around raisers, but at times I feel guilty now, thinking that I'm a downer. Also, energy in motion is a great way to see emotion and I feel like most of us can relate to feeling emotion that way.

Thanks

I don't know what to do with my life

Sophie_M — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 10:19:42 GMT

Hey I Need, welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums.

We'd like to let you know that we are getting in touch via email to offer some extra support. We're sorry the last few days have been stressful. Although, it's great to hear you've been able to open up to a friend and are considering speaking to a teacher. We think that's a great idea and will help take some of the pressure of keeping all these emotions inside.

I don't know what to do with my life

tranzcrybe — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 11:22:33 GMT

Hi I_Need....,

Sorry to hear of your episode at school, but I am impressed by your openness with your teacher by not covering up how you are feeling. I also appreciate that you weren't ready to go into specifics, and that is fine also - you need to feel emotionally ready to have such a conversation and I hope you can take that courageous and positive step with a teacher sometime soon.

Texting your friend was a great idea to open up without the pressure of a face to face conversation - and the response you received was intuitive and sensitive. I don't believe you are a 'downer' and asking for help actually elevates others through knowing they can be supportive. You may even feel lighter from sharing your experience with trusted friends.

Although school can be competitive, it is not a competition - the bigger picture is looking out for one another. Right now, you need looking after; and one day you might find yourself helping someone in need the same way.

You play two of the most expressive instruments I know - I see why it is such a significant part of you. Playing music is the best way to detach from worries as nothing exists while in that space but for the musical sensory experience.

You have done well to share your feelings thus far and I hope you are confident to seek more guidance - some things just can't be achieved alone.

Kind regards,

I don't know what to do with my life

therising — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 18:45:36 GMT

Hi I_Need

You're definitely making progress, speaking to one person at a time. Don't stop. I've found that when we do enter this process, we eventually come across the person or people that make the difference we're looking for. By the way, if you ever come across someone with the attitude 'You just need to pull your socks up and get on with things' (suck it up), you're speaking to the wrong person. They are the sort of person who can bring you down or leave you stressing without a way to manage life.

Music is definitely a powerful thing. It is said that the cells in our body hold a certain vibration or frequency at any given time (according to both spiritualists and quantum physicists). Music can raise our vibe/shift our frequency. Piano and cello are two of the most powerful instruments, in my opinion. When you close your eyes and listen to what comes from them, it can be a very soulful experience. A pianist or cellist holds the power to move someone to great emotion.

Can't help but wonder what music you like, seeing you're a musician or should I say magician (in emotional magic). For myself, it's a bit of a mixed bag. I love general high vibey music. With such music, turning up the volume turns up the volume on my energy. I find certain classical music also powerful. A truly soulful piece has the ability to not only take me on a physically emotional ride, it can also change my breathing patterns. Some classical composers are true masters in they way they lead our emotions/body to interact with a composition.

It's hard not to feel guilty when we're not what everyone would like us to be, happy and carefree. I believe we're conditioned to think this way to some degree but it's just not practical. What makes more sense to me is the fact that certain challenges will truly test us in life. I've come to realise that challenges hold the potential to either raise us or bring us down, depending on the course we choose to take through them. In order to raise our self through certain challenges, we must seek people to help us manage. I'm 'Mum' to 2 amazing legendary teenagers and as I say to my kids - Some challenges, if managed alone, can be thoroughly depressing and highly confusing. They can seriously mess with your identity. Personally, I like to identify myself as 'A seeker of assistance' when I can't manage a challenge on my own. In knowing I don't have all the answers in life, I look to those who can help me find them and then...I evolve.

🙂

I don't know what to do with my life

I_Need____ — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 11:18:03 GMT

Hi,

I've taken a bit of a break from this. I thought I was "cured". Boy was I wrong.

I have been really struggling lately, and I think a few people around me know that as well, but I feel like no one will ever understand. I have just lost motivation in most things. I have had a few breakdowns during class, for no apparent reason. I had one today which made me come back to this.

We were watching a video, kind of about mental health. I lost it when people just all used terms that I feel like no one understands. Because someone wasn't smiling, they called them depressed. It just hurt me kinda. I have no idea why but that is what happened and I was down for the rest of the day. Then I came home to finding out that my nona died.

I'm not sure what I want to do right now. A few people that know most of the stuff(including my suicide attempts and the thoughts that I want to try agin) that's wrong about me are pointing me in the direction of a therapist. I think that's the right thing to do but I just can't see myself doing it.

Thoughts on this will be appreciate as always,

Thanks

I don't know what to do with my life

Sophie_M — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 11:40:54 GMT

Hi I Need....

We're so glad that you decided to reach out tonight to your friends here on the forums, but we're so sorry to hear that you've been struggling lately. We can hear how much pain you must be in right now, especially after the loss of your Nona. Please know that our community are here to help support you through this with their caring advice and words of wisdom. We are also reaching out to you through email to check in with you and offer some extra support to help you during this really overwhelming time.

It sounds like those close to you might think some extra support would be really helpful for you right now, and we can hear that you think this may also be beneficial to you, but something quite difficult to go through with. Perhaps a great first step could be to get in touch with our kind and understanding friends at Kids Helpline if you'd feel comfortable? They're available 24/7- day or night- to talk through some of these thoughts and feelings that you've been experiencing, and you can get in touch either by phone (1800 55 1800) or also through their online chat if you'd feel more comfortable reaching out online: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

You're never alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel up to it.

I don't know what to do with my life

therising — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 20:34:06 GMT

Hi I_Need

I'm so sorry to hear how you are suffering through your Nona's passing. With this grief being another challenge to work through, I imagine all the challenges are beginning to become pretty overwhelming.

If it helps to know, I had a breakdown this Thursday just gone. I should have recognised the lead up to it but the fact is, I'd never felt such a level of anxiety before, therefor didn't understand where it was heading. In a way, in the handful of days preceding, it felt like I was slowly giving birth to something. It was kind of like psychological contractions. The 1st day, I could feel my mental stress sending my body into a state of hyperactivity at one point in the day. The 2nd day, this happened a couple of times. The 3rd, it happened more than a couple of times. By the 4th, my body was hyped up most of the day, which led me to stress more. Then, the morning came when I woke up with my body in this state of hyperactivity. Stomach churning, heart racing, lungs working so fast, I was challenged to slow them down to catch a breath. It did not let up, until I phoned work to say I couldn't come in (sobbed on the phone to my boss, who's a legend), sobbed further off the phone like a maniac and threw up in the toilet. It was a mega vent, that worked to eventually calm me down.

From my experience, there can be 2 different kinds of breakdowns. One is constructive, the other holds a lot of lies. The constructive one leads us to break down all that has led up to that moment. While it can feel like we're facing some enormous challenge, the truth is there can be dozens of challenges. Identifying each one is important. Managing them individually is important. A constructive breakdown will also reveal to us what we can't tolerate. I learned, I can't tolerate just about everyone around me seeing me as the 'go to' person to make a difference in their lives, especially when I don't have enough time to make all those differences. So, time management balanced with relaxation is key. Looking after myself is also key. I realised my life was incredibly unbalanced. Thursday led me to recognise this.

A breakdown which involves lies can involve us saying to our self 'I am weak. I am worthless. I am broken. I am not important' and so on. Nothing but sufferance comes out of this.

If you were asked to break down all the things that challenge you, including the deeply challenging chemistry that comes with depression, how would you see the challenges in point form?

🙂