topic Feeling like a terrible person in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Feeling like a terrible person

Annewithan-e — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 05:28:01 GMT

So I’m not in a great place.

I’m fortunate to have a great psychologist. I have been working with her for a fair while now. I feel like I trust her but I’m still incredibly stuck, and freeze and space out in sessions. I have managed to discuss some things but on the whole I feel like a complete failure.
I don’t trust myself or my own thoughts, and I feel like a hypochondriac or attention seeking drama queen. I think I’m making things up, or dramatizing it. I emailed and said as much last night. That I’m a bad person and I don’t deserve help.
Its just that things aren’t clear or keep changing in my mind, and it was all so long ago - I never said anything, I excelled in so many areas, I was fine for so long, it just doesn’t make sense.

now I’m in this spiral of what a horrible human being I am for acting like a victim and I just want to disappear.

Feeling like a terrible person

Sophie_M — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 06:13:52 GMT

Hi Anne(withan-e),

Thanks for sharing with our online community and reaching out today. We're sorry to hear that you've had difficulties trusting your own thoughts as they are quite negative and critical of you. Working through traumatic experiences is a very difficult process and we are glad to hear that you are being supported a psychologist that you trust. Please know that you are valuable. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you.

If you feel up to it, we'd recommend getting in touch with our Support Service which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can visit on our website https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support for online chat. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you some information and advice to help you. Our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 are available to provide support and advice 24/7. Please do feel free to use these services to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgmental space.

Feeling like a terrible person

white knight — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 07:08:31 GMT

Hi, welcome

Unfortunately when we feel this down it is indeed a spiral. It's better to learn to control that spiral at the very beginning than try to control it, reverse the trend while fully in it. Over time you might develop awareness of the indicators like triggers and poor sleep.

In fact poor quality sleep is a major problem under estimated for its effect on us in a negative way.

Building confidence. I found that its best not to rely on others to boost your own confidence. Better to have the approach to build it yourself and if someone has input that help- well thats a bonus.

It's great you have professional care. Forums have their place as a support for you after hours as the forum is open 24/7/365 for you to post. Also you are talking to others that have real life experiences with poor mental health.

Some of these strategies takes time but I did prove that its possible to build yourself up and improve your life dramatically. Here is an example-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

If you'd like to have a read and reply with your thoughts we can talk some more. I'm here daily. Thankyou Anne (with an e)

TonyWK

Feeling like a terrible person

Annewithan-e — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 09:45:59 GMT

Hi Tony, thanks for taking the time to reply.

I read your post…. I’m so glad something works for you. I find if I even entertain a positive thought it brings down 10 times the amount of negative thoughts and criticism.

I’m nowhere even near the point of trying to think about building confidence right now… I just need to stop my brain. I’m so disgusted with myself and the way I behave

Feeling like a terrible person

white knight — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 11:09:06 GMT

Hi Anne

Thanks for that clarification

I'm sorry you are so down and I feel very limited in helping.

What I can tell you (if it helps or not I don't know) is when I was at my lowest point I resorted to 3 things-

Back to basics. Meaning any action/inaction that relieves stress. Direct debit for bills, not contacting toxic people etc
Listen to calm wonderful videos from Maharaji prem rawat. Google his name with "sunset" after it as one example
Try to refrain from self criticism. You are wonderful, self reflecting and kind. A foundation worth building on.

Do you have any questions for me or do you think I can help further?

TonyWK

Feeling like a terrible person

Petal22 — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 12:06:20 GMT

Hi Anne withan e,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand how it feels when we can’t seem to get our brains to stop…. It’s exhausting..

Im sorry that you can’t trust your thoughts I understand….

Im glad you have a great phycologist just keep working with her and with what’s troubling you……. I’m sure in time you will know what to do with what is happening with your thoughts, emotions and mind……

You can heal in time with what you are going through…..

You will get there… just breathe

Feeling like a terrible person

Annewithan-e — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 13:07:02 GMT

Thanks Tony, it helps to know you’re trying to help despite the fact that I make it very hard to help me. I feel a lot of guilt over that. Like I feel a lot of guilt toward my psychologist, that I don’t deserve her, and that I’m an evil deceptive and manipulative person.

Feeling like a terrible person

Annewithan-e — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 13:08:24 GMT

Yes petal, you know it, I’m just so tired… and so ashamed of myself

Feeling like a terrible person

geoff — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 13:47:07 GMT

Hello Anne, the job of a psychologist is to challenge your mind because you might be stuck on an issue you can't solve by yourself.

They do this methodologically because a good psych will help you understand the trigger points and what may happen and once you can accept this, you can then start building up any positive thoughts.

This can't be done until you can push your negative thoughts to the back of your mind.

You have a gem if you really like your psychologist.

Geoff.

Feeling like a terrible person

Petal22 — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 15:50:05 GMT

Hi Anne (withan-e)

I understand it’s very exhausting……… especially if you are doing inner work……..

Hang in there……… a lot of our thoughts can be challenged…. and we can learn to make new path ways in our brains that can provide a more harmonious effect for our nervous systems.

Please try not to feel ashamed….. I’m here to chat if you want to tell me more.

Feeling like a terrible person

white knight — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 20:49:12 GMT

Hi Anne

Firstly, there's no pressure here, any pressure you feel is an illusion. Like I'll recommend the following thread to read, only the initial post I wrote, but only when and if you feel up to it.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

TonyWK

Feeling like a terrible person

Annewithan-e — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 21:46:13 GMT

I’ve been talking to her for nearly 3 years. I freeze and dissociate. I’m constantly ashamed of myself.

I know I didn’t have the best childhood, but I was able to excel academically and in the sporting arena. I was outwardly confident and known as ‘happy and smiling’.

The things I keep experiencing and seeing don’t make sense, and I don’t think they are real. Just some kind of representation of my messed up mind. I’m ashamed that I presented myself as a victim when I’m not really. Things weren’t that bad, I’m just replaying them over and over and making it into something it’s not.

Feeling like a terrible person

Petal22 — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 23:22:24 GMT

Good morning Ann withan e,

I understand……… sometimes our minds can give us images and thoughts and we question them……… are they real? Did that happen to me or is it just something that my mind made up ………… which yes it does aswell but when we begin to question these things and start to obsess over them they can get very big and distressing especially if they have set off our anxiety………. Anxiety makes things feel a lot more intense….. anxiety fuels what’s happening in our minds which in turn causes havoc on our nervous system….

It’s not your fault………

I have a lived experience of OCD…… obsessive compulsive disorder…….. My mind would play thoughts and images over and over again I was very distressed by it….. I’d question these things and I couldn’t get away from what was playing over and over again….. it was a bit like living my worst night mare……

I understand with how you feel for playing the victim but this really isn’t your fault….

Have you ever discussed OCD with your psychologist? I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose but maybe you could mention it?

Is your psychologist a clinical psychologist? A clinical psychologist can diagnose……..

OCD is very treatable Ive recovered……. There are therapies available for this disorder if it is OCD your experiencing?

Please ask me any thing…

Feeling like a terrible person

Petal22 — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 02:12:25 GMT

Also Anne withan e,

I understand the freezing and dissociation in my experience I’d feel this when I was going through extreme panic inside myself……….

I felt so stuck in my head like I was being made to watch what was going on inside my head…

I understand the feeling is very distressing.

Your not alone and you can recover from what you are currently experiencing…. Healing is possible….

Feeling like a terrible person

Annewithan-e — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 07:58:49 GMT

It seems like you do understand Petal. I’ve never thought of it as potential OCD type behaviour.
After my email to my psychologist the other night I have felt so sick and anxious. I feel like she won’t want to see me.

she is too nice, said she doesn’t agree I’ve made it up, but we will talk about it, I just don’t know if I can face her, so ashamed.

Feeling like a terrible person

Petal22 — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 09:14:39 GMT

I really do understand the distress that can be felt ….. it’s a really tough place to be in…….. but you can learn to move fast it all and live a wonderful life……… if it is OCD I’m living proof that life really can be great again…… just remember what you are going through is temporary and you can heal and recover….there is always a way forward….

You must have a really lovely psychologist….. please don’t feel ashamed it’s not your fault…. I’m sure your psychologist will want to see you again…… a good psychologist will help you to heal from no matter what you are going through…..

We can learn so many skills and thoughts can be challenged……. Have you learned any skills?

If you have made up what you have been speaking to your psychologist about the most important thing for you is to learn how to let go of these thoughts so you can move forward….. we can teach our brains to let things go it takes practice but it can be done.

Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves or others in order to let go of things so we can move forward….. our minds will play out these thoughts and images but I found the best thing to do was just to allow them to be there and in a calm way just move my attention onto something in the present moment.

I have written two threads you may be interested in reading when you are ready just for interest…

From someone who suffered OCD and recovered

Effective treatment for OCD Metacognitive Therapy

Like I said I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose but if you wanted a diagnosis I recommend you see a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist….

Your really not alone and I understand….. please know I’m here and chat to me anytime…….

Sending you love and kindness…..

You will find a way forward 🙏

Feeling like a terrible person

Annewithan-e — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 12:50:35 GMT

Thank you.

I’ve been pretty unwell the last 24 hours or so with a horrible migraine. it’s been here since yesterday after my session with my psychologist.

I felt so anxious to go, and scared. But she was wonderful as always, and took time to talk to me and explain why she felt I’m not making it up, and all the evidence that said that my memories were real and not imagined. I still don’t trust myself, but understand that while I might not want to face that things happened, everything points to that it did.
this sent me into another tailspin where I was flooded again and felt the weight of all the memories flashing through me.
I felt like I could hardly walk, dizzy and sick as I left, and a migraine came on later. migraine is getting better now… but I still feel sick and uneasy - I doubt I’ll sleep tonight. And I still can’t stand myself. I’m struggling to work out how to keep holding myself together…

Feeling like a terrible person

Petal22 — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 13:42:15 GMT

Sorry to hear you have been unwell…..

I’m glad that your psychologist was nice and talked things through with you.

If it did happen or didn’t happen is this something you can accept as not really knowing if it’s real or not ?

You can then try to let it go …..

How is your psychologist helping you to move forward from this?

Im here and I’m happy to chat to you…… you will move forward from this….

Take care of your self