topic Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Supermum — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 00:58:35 GMT

Hello all, the last 2 and a half years have been exhausting and I feel like I am just living in an empty universe. I don’t want to talk to my family, my psychologist or anyone . I just want to be quiet and alone. Sometimes life is bearable and I love my children and feel more committed to living but other times I just want it to stop. For the silence and peace to begin. Would it be so awful for those around me to no longer have me in their lives as my constant up and down with sadness must be as tiring for them as it is for me. Things that used to help me focus and be grateful for small things don’t seem to snap me back into place and I just don’t want to do this anymore pure and simple.

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Sophie_M — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 01:27:18 GMT

Hi Supermum,

We're sorry to hear how worn out you are feeling. We think you are so brave to continue reaching out to our fourms community here with such honesty. We know it isn't easy but it is so important that you have. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is reaching out to you by email as we are worried about you and want to know if you are safe. You can always reach out to the qualified mental health professionals there day or night on 1300 22 4636. Our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 and the Suicide Call Back Service on1300 659 467 are also available to you 24/7.

If you feel like you are at risk of harming yourself or others it's important to recogniose this for the emergency it is and call 000 immediately.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you are getting on whenever you feel up to it.

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Supermum — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 02:01:44 GMT

You have all helped so much in the past but I just don’t have it in me to engage with a councillor in a phone call . I don’t know what lies ahead so I guess I shall just wait and see. I want a drink but I am working tonight . The cravings when I am working are hard to deal with . Drinking makes me numb and the meds make me forget

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Sophie_M — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 03:54:25 GMT

We can understand not feeling up to speaking on the phone when you are so exhausted. The fact that you're reaching out to us here is great. If you feel more comfortable typing that talking to one of our counsellors, you can webchat them from about now until midnight tonight and all nights via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support. We thought you might also like to visit DrinkWise: https://drinkwise.org.au/drinking-and-you/support-services/#.

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

smallwolf — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 10:42:52 GMT

hi. I know of the feelings you speak of... that is, of wanting to be alone when you are down. For myself, I am also aware that at the same time I can get lost in my own thoughts and perhaps rather than doing something as a distraction I will ...

Can you tell me what recently happened that made you feel this way? Or has it always been there?

What were some of the the things that used to help you?

I am stuck in a valley at the moment if you want to use the analogy of journeying to the top of a mountain. I am going back to things that used to help. One of those things was listening to a talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability. In writing here you have shared a little of yourself, and opened up which in itself takes courage.

I hope you will come back to share a little more of your story...

Tim

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Supermum — Wed, 02 Dec 2020 09:55:39 GMT

Hi , I have shared my story before on this forum so there is not much more to add but I just find my self lately full of regret , lost , hopeless and sad . I agree going back to things that you think helped is where I keep finding myself ... not the best coping strategy to just drink and engage in dangerous behaviour. But I don’t want to be here struggling , what is the point ? Where is the light because I just cannot see it .
I have tried to focus , self care and focusing on the little things but it feels so overwhelming .

It feels like Groundhog Day and inside I’m screaming , begging for silence

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Sophie_M — Wed, 02 Dec 2020 10:07:57 GMT

Hi Supermum,

We're so sorry to hear that you're in a dark place at the moment. We can hear that you've been trying really hard. We recognise it as progression that you are so reflective about the way you've been coping.

It sounds like you're feeling really sad right now, so we hope we can give you some support. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support tonight.

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

smallwolf — Wed, 02 Dec 2020 11:28:53 GMT

I found a little of your story elsewhere. I would ask what you feel that you regret or have lost but that can wait for another time. As Sophie_M said it sounds like you are in a really dark place at the moment. I also see that you are searching for answers - where is the light?

The story my psychologist told me was that sometime to find a better path to get to the top of the mountain I would have to go down into a valley. For me the valley has a bottom and then on my way upwards again toward he light - that you seek. Sometimes it might be a brief glimpse but enough to show it is still there.

There are a few ideas from my psychologist I could share if you were interested. At this time I want to you know that how precious you are - like a piece of kintsugi art. You might not understand this reference just at the moment, but it is something that has helped me work through thoughts about myself.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Supermum — Thu, 03 Dec 2020 21:39:32 GMT

Hi Tim ,

thank you for your reply , yes I would love to hear any thoughts from you or your psychologist.

lianne

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

smallwolf — Sat, 05 Dec 2020 11:45:16 GMT

when I mentioned my psychologist, these are things that have worked for me so I cannot claim any credit or otherwise. Ideas for writing -

(1) reframing thoughts

(2) journals of various types - gratitude, things to look forward to today, etc

(3) One day we spoke about kintsugi art. I spoke of being broken and my psychologist did not like that word. (Prior to that we I was speaking about perfection. I described seeing other people as like clean white plates. And me, broken and cannot put back together.) And when I got home after that session I did a little reading about it etc. If nothing else, they celebrate the cracks, and uniqueness of the object and telling a story.

(4) I have found some analogies to help me to accept how I am so that I don't have to worry about getting better. Yes it would be nice but not stuck in never ending spiral downward.

(5) reading - things like the happiness trap and other books on depression etc.

(6) various mindfulness exercises. (here though I have to listen to someone else otherwise I find it difficult to concentrate.)

(7) watching videos from Brene Brown and Russ Harris.

There are other things. Some of these might peak your curiosity, others might not which is why I have listed these rather than explain in detail. If you are interested in any of the above, let me know, and I can go into more detail.

Tim

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Supermum — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 20:55:44 GMT

Hi Tim ,

It’s interesting that you talk about being broken and unfixable and to embrace it rather than be disgusted by it . I find this very hard to do , my perfectionism and need for control of what’s happening around me make it so . I used to be like that , very Que Sara Sara if you like but I find it difficult to shift my mind set . The combination of stressors, exhaustion from work ( nurse) and need to be the provider , the educator , the mother etc etc

I feel burnt out .. and my body has been alerting me to this fact for a while and my mind probably has too . Hence the need for quiet and seclusion .

How to rebalance it all ...

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Supermum — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 21:29:00 GMT

Hello ,

I just feel pathetic when I say how I feel out loud . Like I should be pulling up my big girl pants etc . There’s worse off than you etc etc . I just feel so angry at everything and it’s consuming . Thankfully the thoughts of suicide are not as loud at the moment .. a quiet whisper .

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

smallwolf — Mon, 14 Dec 2020 11:21:26 GMT

Perfectionism... It was only after I found out about kintsugi and read about it that I learnt to appreciate it. I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for 3 years so it has taken a quite a while to get to terms with my perfectionism. I also had some kintsugi art as the background on my phone. There are still times I do not like making mistakes and my reactions are not so great now.

Feeling Pathetic... I was in a meeting last week. The group had a make a decision. I spoke against one of the options. People were laughing at what I was saying. Fast forward to after the meeting by a hour and I was speaking with a friend about what happened. She said that should not have happened etc. At the same time, when I was telling her I also felt weak/gutless etc and similar to you "suck it up". And yet if I did not talk about it I would feel bad. That is a bit of a paradox! The emotional pain in real. And I suspect the same for you.

So the feelings and thoughts you have are your normal. Like mine. And I also happy to hear your suicidal thoughts have lessened.

Finally, my psych told me this story on shifting mind sets (I changed it slightly)...

A windy track is what the sheep uses to get to the other side of the paddock and out the gate. One day the sheep tried a faster route -more direct. Problem was the sheep had to create this route which was overgrown, long grass, rocky, fallen branches. It didn't work. Feeling beaten, the sheep went back to the old path. The next day tried the new route again.The same problem occurred. Again went back to the old path.This pattern repeated but over time the new path became more defined and the old path was getting overgrown as the sheep used the newer path more often. Until one day... the new path became the normal was of getting to the gate and not the old path.

It can take time but we are both a work in progress in getting to the new path.

Tim

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Supermum — Mon, 04 Jan 2021 20:38:35 GMT

Hi Tim ,

A work in progress .. I like that idea and it has kept me moving forward even when I have taken 3 steps back.

I read back through your replies and it helps so thank you .

Today is a backward step day but I find myself saying that’s ok . It’s not a failure . My thoughts of self harm, punishment and wanting to get off the ride are a little too loud and I find myself checking my bottle of pills often at times like these. Just checking .... weird I know .
One day hopefully I won’t have to

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

smallwolf — Tue, 05 Jan 2021 12:07:29 GMT

I had a low to average day today... I wrote it down in a journal and was able to speak to someone about what I was thinking so that was helpful.

That work in progress statement I started saying to my psychologist, psychiatrist and other support people in my circle. But hey, I certainly don't own that statement, so if it is helpful to you then please take and use it. For me, it is a way of recognising that when things bad they don't reset.

In some ways I collect (?) stories or ideas to help me each day or week - whether that is a quote, a story, a idea the all help in being a work in progress. For example...

On kintsugi... I was with my psychologist and compared people to a clean white plate and me.... a broken plate that was smashed on the floor. She didn't like my choice of the word 'broken'. So I changed to cracked, still scarred. At that time I did not know about kintsugi but I had watched a person fixing a broken plate. That was the segway into kintsugi. In this art form, flaws and imperfections are celebrated. I would also find out that a repaired plate had qualities that were not there previously - stronger, unique, worth more than before. The use of gold in the cracks is a way of highlighting and celebrating the cracks.

It is a positive that you were able to see that taking a backward step is not failure. And you made it through the day. Worthy of celebration! In our brokenness, you are stronger, unique and precious. These are ideas that help me (an hopefully) you to move forward.

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Supermum — Fri, 08 Jan 2021 19:43:29 GMT

It’s been a low day today. For no good reason, no triggers , no more stressful than normal just because .... I hate it. My children, my colleagues my friends talk to me and I just don’t have the energy to speak, I just want them to leave me alone to be quiet.

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Doolhof — Fri, 08 Jan 2021 21:53:11 GMT

Hi Supermum,

Sorry to read you have been struggling so much and it is ongoing. It can be very tiring when we feel like we aren't coping. It is hard when we want to be in a different mindset than we are currently feeling, yet that seems to be a difficult state to achieve.

I'm learning to accept more of how I am, not fighting it so much and consider gentle ways I can improve my day.

I try to take time out to find moments of peace and quiet in my day. That might be by going for a walk, reading a book, watering the garden or at work it might be an extra trip to the bathroom when I don't really need to go. Taking extra time to wash my hands as I find the water cooling and soothing.

Are there little things you can put into place?

Have you tried mindfulness? I struggle with it a little. It does help me to form an image of a quiet and calm place in my mind that I can have a quick glimpse of during the day when I am overwhelmed.

Hope you find strategies that help you and can accept there will be some days where it is okay to not be okay.

Cheers from Dools

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

smallwolf — Mon, 11 Jan 2021 11:30:47 GMT

That feeling of wanting others not to talk to you I can relate sometimes. And the no reason you speak of can be complicated set of things that merged together bring about the malaise.

Two more tips if they help...

1. do you have/use any apps for managing and coping with your thoughts? My psych. put me onto the virtual hope box and relax melodies. These might work for you? Liking these type of apps can be somewhat subjective.

2. a book my psych told me to read is titled "the happiness trap" by Russ Harris. It is filled with ideas to try. I accidently bought a 2nd copy that I gave to my parents and then even say it helped them!

Anyways, I hope you are feeling a little better today. Let me know how you are going?

Tim

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Supermum — Fri, 22 Jan 2021 20:52:36 GMT

Today has been a bad day . Intrusive thoughts and feeling unable to keep my head above water . I just don’t see an end and my head is just full of negative thoughts...

Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

Sophie_M — Fri, 22 Jan 2021 21:10:37 GMT

Hey Supermum,

Thanks for posting here today. We are so sorry that you've been having a bad day with intrusive thoughts and feeling overwhelmed. It can be so difficult to feel optimism or believe that we are on a real path of recovery when our head is full of negative thoughts. We are sorry you are experiencing these awful feelings right now. Please know that you are not alone and there is help available. Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.