topic Self loathing, trapped. in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Wed, 12 Aug 2020 13:34:13 GMT

I just want to punish myself repeatedly. I do, not in usual ways I guess. But the urge is constant right now.

I am so angry about stage four lockdowns. They feel so wrong and so pointless and so unfair. I feel trapped and like I’ve done something wrong and I’m just disgusted with every aspect of myself.

So I purposely make myself feel ill, I refuse to take painkillers when I am feeling bad pain because I don’t deserve them, I have stopped taking supplements that help me, and I hurt myself. Its nothing that leaves a mark, nothing anyone can see, I’m much smarter than when I was younger.

My normal coping mechanisms are all gone. My big, busy, distracting life has been taken away from me. Things have closed in around me. I can’t escape the thoughts, feelings, intrusions, nightmares, loneliness, slow time dragging...

I hate this so much.

Self loathing, trapped.

Sophie_M — Wed, 12 Aug 2020 14:02:58 GMT

Hey fernwehr,

We understand it can be hard to post when you're feeling so low, so we are genuinely grateful you decided to reach out. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling that you need to punish yourself. We understand that this feeling must be overwhelming. Is there something that has helped you to curb self harm behaviour in the past? Please know that you're not alone and there will be members of this community who relate to what you are describing.

Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have you in the past? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these urges that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

If you feel up to it, we'd also recommend reaching out to our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. You can also call our dedicated support line, staffed by mental health professionals, which is available 24/7 on 1800 512 348.

Many of our members will understand and may be able to help. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Thu, 13 Aug 2020 11:20:08 GMT

Agreeing I won’t do it, giving my word... but mostly consequences or being scared I’ll be caught are the only things that stop me. Hence why I become more covert, more invisible in the ways I punish myself.
it’s very overwhelming.
I do have a fantastic psychologist but I have so much trouble showing how much I’m struggling. It’s so hard to completely drop the facade that you work so meticulously to build. I freeze or zone out when I get to close to emotional stuff. I want so badly to be able to progress but I’m so stuck and it’s all my fault... which feeds into the desire to punish myself. Especially after sessions

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 09:44:22 GMT

And feeling so completely alone and invisible. Like it would even matter if I disappeared

Self loathing, trapped.

Ggrand — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 10:21:43 GMT

Hello fernwehr,

I’m sorry your struggling so much with your mental health..

You have done nothing wrong..the stage 4 lockdowns and this pandemic is not your fault..

Please can I ask you why you feel like you done something wrong..only if you want to share...no pressure at all...

Its so good that you have a fantastic psychologist..opening up is hard, yes we put on a facade very meticulously and hide behind it very carefully....that at times we can trick our psychologist into thinking we are travelling okay....By doing this though we are not getting the help we need..

Something that might help you..is to write out on a piece of paper your daily thoughts and feelings as honestly as you can, especially the self harm and how your feeling within yourself...Then hand the paper to him/her...on your next visit...or you could show him/her your posts that you have written here.....Maybe by showing your psych the paper or your post, might be that little bit extra to help you and your psychologist to progress further in your therapy and life..

fernwehr, you matter here and are cared for here..we would notice if you disappeared...Please believe that you are not alone...We are here for you..you are not invisible...

Sitting with you dear fernwehr...

Talk here anytime you feel up to it..I will try my best to support you through this hard time your struggling with..

Kind thoughts with my best wishes..

Grandy..

Self loathing, trapped.

Katyonthehamsterwheel — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 11:25:07 GMT

Hey fernwehr

We're glad you're here posting. You matter here in this community, which is a nice safe space to share, give and receive support, bounce ideas around. We're all struggling a bit, and it's ok. I hold stuff back from my therapist too. It IS hard to let our guard down hey? I love Grandy's idea of writing things down. I've used that technique before when I've had trouble saying things out loud. It can feel a bit weird at first, but it gets rid of the fear of having to look someone in the eye and try get hard words out. The other thing with writing stuff down is it helps us to make sense of it and work through it. Anyway, love to chat if you're up for it.

Katy

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 11:50:22 GMT

Hi Grandy. Thanks for replying... writing anything here was beginning to make me feel worse rather than better...

My psych is awesome, been seeing her two years, it’s been really slow work. I’ve gotten scared off a few times. I struggle to feel I’m worth her time, the money I take from our family, like I’m taking up space and resources. I hate how slow the work is and how badly I freeze up. I hate how I feel frozen or muted when I want to talk and to trust. But the mistrust and fear of speaking is so deep, it’s almost physical. i sometimes email in between, as she has encouraged me to, I write more sometimes than I can say, but then feel guilt for taking up her time outside of work.

I feel so much shame and guilt over my feelings. I’m so ashamed of my self harm. I don’t tell anyone at all how I feel or about my childhood. I have had massive health struggles the last 18 months and have kept it to myself as much as I possibly can, although losing over half my body weight makes it hard.

I constantly feel like I’m about to get in trouble or ‘found out’. It seems like everything is coming back to punish me for my wrongs. And now stage 4 is taking more. It feels like I deserve it. It’s taking my last coping mechanisms from me and leaving me with little to relieve my feelings apart from hurting myself.

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 11:51:17 GMT

Thanks to you to Katy. I feel a tiny bit less invisible x

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 13:02:10 GMT

And now I’ve take a asleep pill so things are very weird right but I’ll be in sleep pretty soon. These keys are really. CUte when they drop trying time trick me! It’s funny how there are Ll the different levels for the sentences to go on to do they can be read. It’s quite artistic really how you can make the change colour too

Self loathing, trapped.

Ggrand — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 13:04:32 GMT

Hi fernwehr....

Thank you for getting back to us...I will agree with you that it is a very slow process at times...I have been through so many psychologists, now I have one that I trust, but like you I have trouble talking and often freeze up with difficult topics that I know will trigger me...

Maybe you freezing up is your minds way of protecting you from triggering conversations....It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get well...if it’s only small baby steps forward is all that you are able to do right now...then that’s gold because every step forward is a small win for you..

Your psych, sound very caring towards you..the way she is encouraging you to email her if you need to, shows how much you matter to her..and that she really want to help you start your journey to wellness...

Its okay that you haven’t told her about how you feel or about your childhood...when your ready and if you feel you need to tell her about your childhood and how your feeling is necessary for your recovery...I am sure you will...

I don’t know if your still living with your parents or if you live on your own.,,,either way fernwehr just a gentle thought I would like to put by you..is it possible at all..that you could talk to your family about how your feeling about wanting to punish yourself......I’m concerned about you doing that...It’s important to try hard to keep yourself as healthy as you can..

Not sure here, but do you think that your constantly feeling like you will get into trouble or ‘found out’ because of your self harm..?....

Is it okay to ask you what your last coping mechanism was before it was taken away from you...

I hope you sleep well tonight lovely fernwehr...and that tomorrow will be better then today..

sending you my care, kind thoughts...and a hug if you like them..

Grandy...

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 13:26:14 GMT

I have a house with my husband and two kids

i live my husband so much but he’s not a talking person. He needs be to be the busy organising heartbeat of our family. No room for sad or tired or lazy.
I can’t TAlk to anyone. My family are toxic.

i an the helper and the fixer with my friends and work. They’ll find out I’m a fake and can’t cope at all

i can’t play sport or ski or go out on a family hike, have dinner with friends. Help a student face to face or even just go shopping or see my dr properly

Self loathing, trapped.

ecomama — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 14:51:21 GMT

Dear fernwehr

I want you to understand that ALL of us do things that were "wrong" - intentionally or not.

Could you use this forum to begin to express what you've experienced when you were younger?
This can be a really helpful strategy to put into words what you haven't yet disclosed.
It can make it 'easier' to then share this all with your psych.

Now is the time to do this as you feel the pressure of lock downs mounting.

Believe me, nothing will shock this forum.
Ofcourse many of us will feel instant empathy as we've experienced similar.

You are not alone.

The childhood traumas seem to be the reasons for you feeling the need for SH, is this correct?

I'm really concerned that your feelings are escalating / spiralling.

Please use the forums to share anything and everything you need to.

We're always here for you.

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 15:03:02 GMT

Yes EM they are, mostly. But yes, you’re right, then it spirals. Every little thing appears connected and I feel this overwhelming hatred for myself. This complete responsibility for where I am crashes down on me.
what do I do? Admit defeat and check out like a coward? Or do I punish myself enough to absolve guilt to a point where we can move on?

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 15:04:37 GMT

And see Grandy, even this, I can’t even take a pill properly. I should be thoroughly sleeping by now. Instead I’m here spouting rubbish

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 15:13:22 GMT

The traumas are a huge part. The dominate my dreams, spacey zone outs, emotional flashbacks. They are intrusive and unwelcome.

but they are escalating at me faster and I can’t keep dodging them, some of them are wounding me.

they are too vile, too unbelievable, too hurtful. I am trapped with no choice. Others get to pass judgement about why you’re there, what you did, why it’s your fault. You’re too scared to speak up and defend yourself as you’ll get ridiculed, no one will believe you anyway.
im trapped again. I’ve lost my agency, my choices, my freedom. I feel ridiculed, like I’ve done something wrong. And things are taken away from me even though Not drawn any punishment.

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 15:16:43 GMT

I think I’ve sent about 10 random text message to friends tonight too. They will see I’m insane.🙈 How stupid am I

Self loathing, trapped.

ecomama — Sat, 15 Aug 2020 15:33:47 GMT

Dearest fernwehr

Thankyou for responding. NOTHING you write here is ever conceived as "rubbish". Ever.

You are respected. Your story is BELIEVED.

Trust me when I say I KNOW my story also would never be believed by a stranger if heard for the first time (it would take too long to tell anyway lol).

But here?
Yeah, you are in SAFE company.

What you are experiencing sounds a lot like PTSD or at bare minimum responses to trauma.

I'm holding you close when I say this, please tell your psych.

You don't have to tell EVERYONE in your life about what happened! I mean this with the purest intent... you must tell SOME BODY.

You can phone a Helpline anonymously and tell a Counsellor there. They don't know who you are. I've found them to be absolutely amazing... moreso even when you say "I've never told anyone this before...."

Fortunately I have close people who are psychologists and after YEARS of me thinking I could cope with the PTSD like symptoms if I just kept reducing my life more and more.... they noticed me dissociating this year. This is NOT what you want to do..

I am SO MUCH MORE WELL since this occurred earlier this year.... so few bad dreams now they're negligible. Zero flashbacks that cause any emotional response and awesome exposure therapy I can now do on my own.
NO PTSD type tumblings.

I want this Journey of healing for you!!

You can do it.

I'm not gonna say it will be easy but I WILL say it will be very much WORTH it.

Whenever you're ready, we'll be here to listen and give you all the support we can.

We are always here for you.

Love and Healing
EM

Self loathing, trapped.

Ggrand — Sun, 16 Aug 2020 00:47:13 GMT

Hello dear fernwehr,

Your last post resonates with me so..

My childhood was very abusive, sexual and very physical...same as my marriage...(38) years...

This has made me to scared to speak up and defend myself..actually all through my life I have never defended myself..I just took what was happening to me..without question, because a question or word from me defending myself meant worse for me..so I just shut up and took it..

After my abuser ( husband past away)..I crumbled for years staying inside to scared to go outside for anything...even to get help...A couple of years ago I spent nearly 6 weeks in hospital..which helped me to learn that it wasn’t my fault what happened to me and to care for myself...

Sweetheart..it’s not your fault what happened to you..you don’t have to punish yourself for things that go wrong in this world or your life...

My dream are vivid like reliving everything over again..Waking up in shock and thrashing about in bed...then I tell myself I am safe..they can’t me anymore...get up have a cuppa tea to calm down my racing heart and shaking body..Then put on a sleep story and try again to sleep...

I am very happy for you that you love your husband very much...and that you have two beautiful children...I am pleased your not alone with all your going through....

Life has changed for all of us...The COVID restrictions has caused so many people who are stuck at home with mental health problems..to have their mental health escalate, I think because, we have more alone time, more time to think about what we went though then we beat up on our selves because our distraction of our everyday normal lives have been taken away from us...It’s looking for some different ways to distract ourselves that’s hard to find...

I have enjoyed your company...Your words are very valued here..many people will be listening only, and gaining some help from your story...keep talking here when you feel up to it...

My kindness and care to you dear fernwehr...I hope so much that today is a better day for you..🌹.

Grandy..

Self loathing, trapped.

Guest_1211 — Sun, 16 Aug 2020 11:14:02 GMT

Thanks so much EM and Grandy for being there last night. I’ve had to read and re read last nights posts.
I took something to help me sleep and clearly didn’t shut down properly although I don’t remember a thing, I was posting here and sent a bunch of text messages near midnight. I’m very embarrassed and have never done anything like that before.

I’m a bit worried about being out of control of myself. I don’t like it at all.

Self loathing, trapped.

ecomama — Sun, 16 Aug 2020 12:05:06 GMT

Dearest fernwehr

It's okay. Any time and for any reason, we're here for you.

I'm concerned also that you don't remember a thing. It could be the PTSD / trauma responses becoming unmanageable.

It happens to the best of us, absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

How are you feeling tonight? All embarrassment aside.