topic Too much pain in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Too much pain

yggdrasil — Fri, 13 Nov 2020 05:00:06 GMT

Hi just a heads up first that I am safe and in control so no need to worry there. I just wanted to post here because things are really bad for me right now. I have attempted suicide twice over the last 10 years, with both attemps resulting in psych hospital stays. Over the last six months my life has fallen apart again and I'm just finding the pain unbearable. I lost my former step father to suicide last week, and am worried about my half siblings. I've also had a recent breakup and problems with my PhD. I've been able to cope better with the challenges of the last year better than in the past, in that I haven't attempted suicide and do not want to, but the pain has just been so relentless that I often wish I could end my life just to escape it. I just had a chat with my psych and now feel past the worst of it that made me start typing this post a few hours ago, but the pain remains. I'm going skating now as I find that usually helps a bit. I just have to find the strength to stand up and get out of the car. Thanks for reading and I hope you're all managing ok yourselves.

Too much pain

Sophie_M — Fri, 13 Nov 2020 05:40:07 GMT

Hi yggdrasil,

Thank you for sharing a brief glimpse into your mental health journey with us here today. It sounds like you are safe and taking proactive steps to lift your mood by going skating soon. That's great!

As you mention that you often wish you "could end my life" we wanted to reach out with some additional supports. As you know the peer support offered on these forums, while often quick, is not immediate. If you do need more immediate suppport please don't hesitate to call the mental health professionals at our support service any time day or night on 1300 22 4636. You may also like to reach out to our firends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suidcide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. If ever you feel like you are in danger of harming yourself, or others, please recognise it is an emergency and you should call 000 immediately.

Once again thank you for sharing this with us. We're sorry to hear life has thrown you so many curveballs recently. We hope you find the support offered by our welcoming, non-judgmental community members here, all of whom have personal experiences with mental health, helpful.

In the meantime, please don't hestiate to reach out for additional support if you need it and happy skating!

Too much pain

therising — Fri, 13 Nov 2020 21:40:06 GMT

Hi yggdrasil

I wish I could lead you to fully realise how truly amazing you are, how incredibly strong you are. To be coping not only with life changing challenges but also with the challenges that come with depression, is what leads me to see you as someone who is truly amazing. Myself, I still can't believe how I tolerated depression for about15 years of my life. I still find it hard to believe I made it out alive.

Personally, I've found 3 words that have made some difference to me when it comes to navigating the way forward and how I see myself and they are 'Under the circumstances'. You mention how much better you are coping, despite the pain you face, in comparison to how you would have coped some time ago. You could say, under the circumstances, you have found more strength than what you once believed you possessed. It's so hard to recognise the true extent of our strength when we're exhausted. We typically don't feel strength when all we feel is exhaustion. To step foot out of the car to go skating, while in a state of pure pain and exhaustion is nothing short of incredible. In such incredible actions there is great strength and determination, especially under the circumstances (including the chemistry than can play out in depression).

In a depressing battle to find the best in our self, our most natural self who can cope with just about anything, exhaustion comes with the challenge. I believe it is so important to keep in mind that like with any warrior, we would say he or she has been weakened through the exhaustion yet they are not weak by any means. There is a difference. If the battle remains about discovering the best in our self, our incredible strengths and ability to grow beyond who we used to be, beyond our once self imposed limitations, it remains a battle worth winning. Sometimes, when all we seek is peace (freedom from exhaustion and pain), the temptation is there to end the fight. In recalling my years in depression, I would have to say the most torturous aspect of all involved not knowing when or even if the battle in/with depression would naturally come to and end. All I can say is I'm glad I found the strength to keep fighting.

I'm hoping the skating offers you some freedom, respite from the pain. I hope it raises you to feel a sense of peace and joy in your self, the self that deserves a break in the battle.

🙂

Too much pain

bettertomorrows — Sat, 14 Nov 2020 07:44:10 GMT

Hi yggdrasil,

I hope you're well and I'm sorry that things have been really rough for you right now. With what has been going on for you, the pain that you feel now is incredibly valid. I also just want to acknowledge how strong you are. I'm glad that your talk with your psych went well and I hope that you're feeling a little better now. From what you've shared, I can see how you're so concerned about the well-being of others in spite of everything that you're feeling, and I want to thank you and acknowledge that 🙂

I'm not sure how I can offer comfort in the pain. Pain is a very strange thing and sometimes it just demands to be felt by us, it can be relentless and come in waves again and again, or it can sometimes spring a surprise on us out of the blue. My counsellor has told me that sometimes the pain and how we feel seems like it will never end and that's why our brain looks for ways to problem-solve. But even then sometimes our brain might not be accurate and provide "solutions" that are very permanent which is why we might think of ending our lives to end the pain. However, if we are able to stick around, we might find the moments in life where the pain is worthwhile, we may find people who make life worthwhile, and we may find ourselves and what makes our hearts a little lighter. While the pain may not necessarily go away, or it may take a long time for the pain to go away and to feel ourselves again, I want to share that it does get better.

I hope that in spite of the pain that remains for you, you may continue to find the joy of each day and the joy that makes your heart feel a little lighter and easier. You are so worth it. Take care yggdrasil.

Boo

Too much pain

yggdrasil — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 04:38:03 GMT

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm still having ok days, then extremely painful days. Skating is the most helpful thing. I've also started some new work which is helping a bit. Today is very bad again. My mind just feels all foggy and it's hard to see the future getting any better. Hopefully it will though if I just persevere. I want to lose a little weight but I'm also eating icecream fairly often etc. Man my brain is just a fog and I can't keep it all together.

Too much pain

bettertomorrows — Fri, 20 Nov 2020 04:49:07 GMT

Hi yggdrasil,

Thanks for checking in! I hope today is going alright for you. I'm so so glad that skating is helping you and that work is going well too. What you've said is really comforting for me too, that even on extremely painful days, if we persevere through there's that chance that things will get better. I've got this analogy I'd like to share - I'm not sure if you relate to this while skating, but when I run, I sometimes just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing/panting and pushing through the pain, and suddenly I realise how far I've come since the start. Sometimes I think that's the way life goes too - when it's difficult to see the future getting any better, it's difficult, but it will.

Take care yggdrasil 🙂

Boo

Too much pain

yggdrasil — Fri, 20 Nov 2020 09:11:52 GMT

Yes I definitely relate to that! My brain tells me "things will never change" but they have changed a lot and I'm definitely on an upward trajectory now! Got pretty down yesterday but I chatted to a friend for an hour or so and that got me through it 🙂 . Thanks heaps for your message and keep running!

Too much pain

yggdrasil — Tue, 24 Nov 2020 08:00:55 GMT

Had another really bad day today. Just feeling so, so bad. I wen't skating and that helped while I was doing it, but at all other times the emotional load just feels unbearable. I can't formulate complex thoughts or ideas, it's like my brain is just broken. I feel like I've been hit in the head with a bat then thrown in a river and am drowning. I try to do CBT but it doesn't help much. I know the negative thoughts are largely irrational but it's all just so overwhelming. I just feel so hopeless when I get to this state. My new work as a support worker is going really well - all the families I'm working with give me great feedback. When I'm working my brain tends to switch on as it should and I can think appropriately. I just wish the pain would stop during the other times. I just wish I could feel more normal again. Maybe I have too much free time after going on leave from PhD. I try to stay busy with new jobs and hobbies etc. Maybe I should take on more support worker jobs.

Too much pain

therising — Wed, 25 Nov 2020 10:21:56 GMT

Hi yggdrasil

I've found that while being a sensitive person, very in touch with the physical feelings that come with my sense of joy, positive excitement etc, there's also a challenging side. When we're a very 'feeling' or sensitive person, we'll also feel the pain. Disappointment, grief and so on can feel almost physically debilitating. While being sensitive enough to feel emotion in our body, as a natural gift in life, it can also definitely feel like a curse at times.

I find, sometimes the feelings/emotions are so strong that they can override my rational thinking. Strong enough, they can override all thinking. Might sound a bit weird but when I'm completely focused on my physical emotion, nothing else has a chance to enter my head. Lately, I've had more and more challenges entering into my life. Nothing enormous, just a heck of a lot of little challenges and not a lot of time to give to each one, it seems. When I start focusing on my list, off I go, 'Ooh, my breathing's changing, I can feel my heart racing. What's my breathing doing now?! I'm starting to get butterflies...' and on I go, fully focused on all the physical hyperactivity that stemmed from the hyperactivity in my brain. Then, a little inspiration kicks in, 'Stop it, you're getting yourself worked up! You need to calm down. Just breath. Exhaust. Focus on that out breath. Exhaust woman!!! Get rid of that excess energy'. It's weird. It's like I can feel the energy of my thoughts manifesting in my body. Perhaps grief is the same to some degree. We can feel the grief in our thoughts; that lump in the throat, the ache in our heart and so on. Yes, sensitivity can definitely feel like a curse at times. Perhaps that lump in the throat needs a scream or a long sob to clear it. Perhaps the broken heart needs a soulful experience to help heal it, like skating. May sound a little romantic but the heart comes to feel what heals it. To glide effortlessly through the love of skating or bring support and compassion to those who long for it, I imagine your heart feels these experiences, if only for moments at a time.

🙂

Too much pain

yggdrasil — Sat, 28 Nov 2020 00:35:50 GMT

Thank you for the kind words! Yes I don't like to think of myself as sensitive but I suppose it's true. This morning my mind and thoughts have gotten away from me and it is physically debilitating like you say. I'm getting better slowly but I'm still gutted and shattered about how much has fallen down around me and I don't know how to feel ok when I'm not distracting myself completely from stuff. Thanks for your kind words though 🙂

Too much pain

smallwolf — Sat, 28 Nov 2020 02:31:55 GMT

Read your story here and just wanted to share a couple of my thoughts/experiences...

I would always wonder if/when I would get better. That day was never coming. My psychologist had previously suggested or compared it to a journey to the top of the mountain. But then the said that (for me) sometimes we have to walk through a valley to find a better path to the top. Slow and steady as long as we are moving forward. (Sometimes when I go into the valley, I also (metaphorically) down into a tunnel as well.
In my last session I commented that mindfulness type distraction was not good for me unless I was listening to someone and the ones in my apps were too short - time wise. This is something we are going to work on in the next session.
If you listened to me talking with my psychologist I have on many occasions my thought are irrational - that something sooo minor... I have the ability to turn it into something must worse than needs to be. At the same time I know where these thoughts have originated and at the time the emotional pain is real.

I recognise for myself that healing takes time. Reminding myself there is an endpoint to the valley at which point I will go upwards again. A constant or continual work in progress.

Too much pain

therising — Sat, 28 Nov 2020 20:40:42 GMT

Hi yggdrasil

I'm wondering whether grounding exercises can take you out of thinking so much. They'd be more like 'feeling' exercises than thinking ones. Give you a few examples when it comes to feeling a connection to experiences:

How do you feel when you smell hints of a freshly mowed lawn? What about the smell of rain hitting the ground on a hot summer's day? Perhaps you love the smell of a freshly cut lemon or lime. You could say this is a kind of aroma therapy of sorts. You don't have to buy multiple bottles of essential oils to feel different calming or exciting physical emotion. I actually bought a bottle of star anise from the herbs and spice section of the supermarket, to keep in the kitchen because it gives me a kick and can take me out of thinking. I love the smell of it
How do you feel when you encounter the sense of touch? A massage is a whole different experience when you are observing the sensations of your body. To feel a twitch in your foot or even a little buzzing in your feet when your shoulders are being massaged can raise one's curiosity when it comes to how interconnected all the systems and cells are in the body. To be the observer of self in this way, during a massage, is a unique experience. A 100% feeling experience leaves no room for thinking
How do you feel when you listen to different forms of music? Does some music take your breath away, whereas other forms of music leave you feeling seriously agitated? When you connect to high vibey music, do you turn up the volume to find that this turns up the volume on your excitement levels? Experimenting with music can be like experimenting with coming to feel a variety of emotion

While we're in the thinking brain, we're often detached from feeling the connection to life around us. If we're sensitive enough to feel mental stress or sadness, often we are sensitive enough to feel emotion through our senses (taste, touch, sound, sight, smell). When you consider this, it puts a whole new spin on being 'an emotion eater' (what we feel through our sense of taste).

Sound, mmmm. I believe one of the most peacefully exciting sounds on the planet is rain falling on a tin roof, while you're drifting off to sleep. Just thinking about it leaves me longing for the experience.

What do you love?

🙂

Too much pain

bettertomorrows — Sun, 29 Nov 2020 14:03:58 GMT

Hi yggdrasil,

My counsellor recently shared this technique with me, I am wondering if you might find it helpful and it builds on therising's insight about feeling.

Try and sit down comfortably and close your eyes slowly.
How are you feeling?
Which part of your body are you feeling this emotion (Is it over your head? In the middle of your chest?)
Can you visualise how big it is? (The size of a tennis ball? A basket ball?)
What shape is it?
What colour is it?
Is it moving and how is it moving?

For me, i have found that this helps me to get through the moment of feeling the emotion without numbing it away. It's okay to not be able to think sometimes, to just sit with your emotions, and to feel. I'm happy for you that you are enjoying your new work, and want to affirm you that it's okay to have bad days 🙂

Take care yggdrasil and let us know how you're going when you feel up to it.

Boo

Too much pain

yggdrasil — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 04:36:38 GMT

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I came back on hear to day to talk about how bad it's been over the last few days. I hung out with my half siblings on sat night and my half-sister was telling me just how totally shattered she is by her dad's suicide, and how this is the last straw for her, all the sagas of our family, this is just the last one and it's too much for her. It's too much for me as well. First my sister was sick, hospitalised over 30 times for eating disorders, then hard drugs etc, then my mum was really sick, putting herself in hospital frequently for suicide attempts/cries-for help/addiction etc, then my step dad (the one who has recently committed suicide) becoming a drug addict and getting schitzofrenia and having a spell in jail, then me getting unwell and having some time in hospitals etc, now the step dad committing suicide. It's just all too much. I can't bare it. I just want it to end. I try going for walks etc. I'm trying to let the emotions settle with some of the exercises you guys mentioned above and it helps a bit. I've tried to keep fighting but I'm just done I can't bear it anymore. I'm seeing my doctor tonight and hopefully we can try some new meds or stronger meds or something. I just wish it would end. I feel humiliated by how my former colleagues now see me and treat me. It's like I'm a freak. The PhD world is so viciously competitive, everyone attacking and undermining each other. I feel like our whole family just has bad genetics or something and there's nothing to be done. It just all hurts way too much. I'm sorry for just unloading but I don't know what to do I feel so lost and hurt.

Too much pain

Sophie_M — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 04:59:15 GMT

Dear yggdrasil,

We're so sorry to hear how exhausted you are right now. We are glad to you are seeing your doctor tonight and hope that helps.

Please keep checking in here and letting us know how you are getting on whenever you feel up to it. We're here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need.

If you need more immediate support than our wonderful, caring online forums community can provide, please do not hesitate to contact our Support Service day or night on 1300 22 4636.

Too much pain

james1 — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 12:09:40 GMT

Hello yggdrasil,

I haven't spoken to yet but I just wanted to pop by because I read your post and your thread, and it sounds like you are really overwhelmed. I can understand why you feel like it's too much for you as well.

There has been so much going on, and I hope the doctor visit went well. Let us know how you are going tomorrow, or when you feel up to it.

James

Too much pain

smallwolf — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 12:19:47 GMT

just a couple or few comments ...

from reading what you have been going through you are certainly not a freak. I would say they do not have a understanding of what you have gone through or how stressful they can be.

also keep in mind that what happened with your step father is only recent. How individuals cope with the (sudden) loss of a parent is unique. Whether it takes a week, month or year to come to terms with what has happened is your journey and is OK. If you need to vent about your thoughts or how you feel, whether here or with a professional is OK.

If I could offer one bit of advice and only from my experience... be kind to yourself and know that keeping the pain inside is not helpful - an by writing a journal, or talking to someone, etc. you can find a way of moving forward.

Tim

Too much pain

therising — Tue, 01 Dec 2020 18:57:58 GMT

Hi yggdrasil

The chemistry of depression is such a truly horrible torturous thing. It's hard for a lot of people to relate to unless they've experienced it. I relate it to being like someone's given you a chemical cocktail and said 'Drink this'. You drink it and then find much in life is impossible to relate to, there is no happiness to be experienced, hope no longer exists and love...what is love now, so unfamiliar and nothing more than a concept, experienced by others. The list goes on when it comes to the effects of this cocktail.

Seeing someone to change the meds sounds like the way to go at the moment. Sometimes chemical changes in the form of meds are the best call, in order to gain a greater foothold in life.

It is incredible how much chemistry plays such a big part in depression. While I have a library of self help books acquired throughout my years in depression, none of them made a difference. It was like reading all about what would work for others and not me. Each one offered hope in the beginning but by the end of each one, nothing had changed. After coming out of my 15 or so years in depression, I gave a handful of them a re-read. It was bizarre, it was like (with each one) I was reading a different book. I knew where the author was coming from and could fully relate. Chemistry is a powerful thing in the way of how it shapes our perspective.

I believe, those who see people who battle depression as weak are rather deluded and misinformed. In my opinion, those who face the sometimes overwhelming battle to simply stay alive from day to day are the strongest people on the planet. it is an unfathomable battle, fought with great determination and little hope. Those who bestow the label of 'weak' have never faced a challenge so great.

I listen to what you say about the PhD world and it leads me to think of those in the world who have given up just about everything in the search to find what truly makes them happy. You know those stories you hear about guys who make millions a year as a CEO, living it up in luxury. To the dismay of all around them who call them crazy, they give it up, fly to a 3rd world country to live and announce they have found what life is really about. They sacrificed their (false) self in order to find their (true) self.

Strange question but can you imagine who you would become, if you gave up just about everything today? What kind of people would you begin to surround yourself with?

🙂

Too much pain

yggdrasil — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 10:41:22 GMT

Hi - I just felt a need to share some stuff on here and I'm sorry to do it on Christmas day. I hope everyone is having a good Christmas, but I know how hard Christmas is for a lot of people with depression and other mental health issues. In some ways this year has been much, much better than previous years for my family (which usually involved driving my mum to hospital or riding with her in an ambulance.) Mum and my siblings had a Christmas dinner a few nights ago that was really, really nice. However, yesterday (Christmas Eve) I got news that one of my friends had died from drugs (potentially suicide). So this year that's two friends and my former step dad who have died - two a definite suicide, and the other likely. I wasn't super close with any of them, but it's just left me reeling none the less, along with everything else that's happened this year. I worked this afternoon and that went really well, and I'm proud of myself for getting out there and exploring new jobs after my PhD collapsed. I've also started dating someone who I really like. However, I'm still in massive pain a lot (such as the last two days.) I can generally hide it at work and function well, but I don't think I'll be able to hide it from the person I've just started seeing. My doctor decided we should up my meds and that seems to have helped somewhat, but it's still very, very hard to endure. The freind who died a couple days ago - his Dad also died from suicide. It's so hard to accept the intergenerational trauma and suffering involved with all this mental health stuff. I don't know if it's genetic or just the trauma or what. It's just so tragic. The friend who died Wednesday was the nicest, funniest, wittiest guy - loved by everyone. His life just fell apart in his early 20s when his Dad commit suicide. I just wish depression and this stuff didn't exist. It's all just too horrible. Thank you again for letting me share on here. I'm very grateful for this forum. Thank you again BeyondBlue and all the forum members.

Too much pain

Sophie_M — Fri, 25 Dec 2020 11:34:03 GMT

Hi yggdrasil,

We are so sorry to hear about your friend's passing, and want to acknowledge how it is not just the loss of your friend that's hit so hard, but also the cumulative trauma and pain from the loss of other loved ones and your own struggles with mental health, as well.

We're glad that you've decided to reach out today and hope that you can keep checking in with us throughout your journey. Like you said, depression and bereavement are such intensely difficult things to endure, and during these times we all deserve support. We think it also shows a lot of strength on your part that in your past, you've also recognised some positives that you've achieved in your life, like the Christmas dinner and exploring new jobs.

Please take care yggdrasil, and be gentle with yourself tonight.