topic Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 15:16:13 GMT

Like I have seen so many others here write "I don't know why I'm writing this" as I know the only person that can solve this is me. I've suffered depression for 40 + years, medication has helped keep the worst of it at bay, there has even been long stretchers where life is really good and the thought of ending yourself seems incomprehensible, sadly 3 years ago the good times ended, the medication that had worked for 18 years failed, all medications tried since do nothing, ECT helped for a while but didn't hold which brings me to not wanting to fight anymore, 40 years is too long, easy solution . do what I should done years ago.I know how I'll do it, i'm ready to do it, I have no fear of doing it, problem solved except for my wonderful loving wife of 36 years. I end my pain and course her grief and pain so for the last 3 years I've just sucked it up even though every minute I'm awake I wish I was dead. What the hell do I do I dont want to hurt my wife but I can go on much longer. I wouldn't want my wife to hurt and grieve due to the betrayal of suicide.

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Sophie_M — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 16:10:20 GMT

Dear Roads End,

We are sorry to hear that you are having a tough time and that things are becoming increasingly difficult. We can hear that you love and care for your wife and do not want to cause her any grief or harm.

We are reaching out to you, to let you know that you are not alone and that we are here to support you. We want to invite you to call our open line or one of the other services listed below.

You are not alone and we are here for you. If there are any barriers to you reaching out to us or the other services, could you send us your number and we will get in contact with you.

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

Lifeline 11 13 14

Regards,
Sophie M

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

monkey_magic — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 17:07:05 GMT

Hey Road Ends,

That was a sad post to read. Even road ends is sad. The finality of life. Thinking about it all ending. I can't say I have never felt like you do though. And like you I've stayed alive for my family. They love me too much just like your wife loves you.

Instead of focusing on the depression you could shift your focus onto other things. That is what helps me. What ive been through is tragic but if I focus on the sun on my skin, the feel of the ocean, my work day other problems go to the back of my mind. My symptoms are still there which bring me back to the problem but my focus is mainly on something else...

Gives me a good perspective.

Despite the doom and gloom there's a balance.

I also invest time in hobbies- painting, swimming etc...it all helps.

Looking at what's around you helps too. You focus on other things...

Life goes by pretty fast anyway...

I hope I've helped somewhat . Feel free to check in with us 24/7.

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

geoff — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 20:23:04 GMT

Hello Roads End, a warm welcome and thank you for posting your comment which is as monkey_magic said a very sad one.

We believe at times we are able to keep our depression at bay, hidden from those close to us or to pretend, something we've been doing for years but allowing us to show a sadness when the time is appropriate, along with other people, but when it begins to affect our relationship, work and/or social life, we simply can't solve it ourselves.

Your love for your wife of 36 years is much appreciated and I'm sure much has happened within this time, beautiful memories that will never be forgotten and times we would rather not remember.

When we talk to a friend maybe completely different when we speak to another friend because their personalities change, either agreeable with us or not, that's why we treat each friend differently depending on their circumstances.

The reason I say this is because, are you able to completely change who counsels you in another way, something that you thought you would never do, someone who can crack open a link that has never been approached.

I'm not a doctor but 'Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation' uses uses 'magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression'.

We will try our best to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 02:45:16 GMT

Hi monkey-magic yes I know the methods you are mentioning but unfortunately they cant break threw, I dont think ,or focus on depression, it's just there, a constant feeling of joyless despair, I still go to work; I still socialise, still function as people would expect I should and I hide it so well no one knows unless I tell them, hell I can even tell a joke that makes everyone laugh and I'll laugh right along with them all the while totally dead inside. I know movement exercise and distraction is supposed to interrupt the negative thoughts but as I said mine is a smothering feeling of joyless despair, not any thoughts except for the ones of how to stop the despair

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 03:08:36 GMT

geoff said:
'Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation' uses uses 'magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression'.

Hi Geoff

That is about the only thing I haven't tried, I have read about it and even equired about possible gettig the treatment but the response I got was there is little evidence it helps and the nearest facility that has the equipment to do it is 4 hours drive, I forget how many sessions and frequency they said would be needed but i do remember thinking this is going to be a problem with work.I should take another look at this avenue, it was a while ago when I last checked, for all I know it may have since shown to be very effective

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Ggrand — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 03:33:48 GMT

Hello Roads End,

I am deeply sorry that your struggling so much with your depression that you have been thinking of ending your life..That saddens me deeply...

You’re loving wife will be devastated and will always question herself and blame herself, thinking she has failed you...I am asking you to keep hold of your hope....No matter how little you feel you have left...

I agree with you..that depression is just their..always hiding in the background to take hold of us...No we don’t have to dwell or think about it because it just their..making our lives joyless, unhappily and very unhealthy with our thoughts...

We have to try to keep it at bay...Have you reached out to your wife about your thoughts... She loves you and will want to help you...

Distracting those thoughts of negativity is very very hard..but it can be done with time and effort....Playing a song that you can sing along with, will for those few minutes give your mind a rest..going for a lovely walk with your beautiful wife will also help...to calm your mind...

Sometimes a change of routine or area can help..A nice drive to another area you haven’t been to..then buying a coffee for you and your wife at a new cafe or going to a park to drink them....just things a little differently then usual...

I echo Geoff..that we simply can’t solve it ourselves and I feel we need professional help to us...Mental health is a sickness, just like broken bones or any other sickness a professional is needed to help us heal....

Sending you my kindest thoughts with care..

Grandy...

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

tranzcrybe — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 03:48:57 GMT

Hi Road's End,

How lucky you are to have your wife, and yes, your departure from this world would be the cruellest thing you could ever do to her. I have lost friends to suicide and it made me feel so ostracised from the chance to help or comfort in times of crisis. My reaction at first was not grief, but anger at the helplessness of rejection (and that only compounded my sadness).

I hope you have had this conversation with your wife and are holding nothing back about how you are feeling.

When all seems pointless, I suggest you embark on a major life upheaval - move to a new state or country and leave behind the mundane and stale. Become 'grey nomads' and relinquish the things that tie you down to reconnect with the joys of simply being.

You have presence of mind to not be self consumed. Make a positive step for both of you.

Regards,

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 12:41:10 GMT

Ggrand said:
Have you reached out to your wife about your thoughts... She loves you and will want to help you...

I used to show her more of how I feel but not now, I,ve caused her enough sadness,I know she would do anything to help but there is nothing she can do so best just let her think I'm doing OK

Distracting those thoughts of negativity is very very hard..but it can be done with time and effort....Playing a song that you can sing along with, will for those few minutes give your mind a rest..going for a lovely walk with your beautiful wife will also help...to calm your mind...

Sometimes a change of routine or area can help..A nice drive to another area you haven’t been to..then buying a coffee for you and your wife at a new cafe or going to a park to drink them....just things a little differently then usual...

All good advise and sometimes it does work for a while, other times nothing can break threw but no matter what, the victories are always short and it comes back

I echo Geoff..that we simply can’t solve it ourselves and I feel we need professional help to us...Mental health is a sickness, just like broken bones or any other sickness a professional is needed to help us heal....
I've been under mental health care for 3 years since my up till then medication failed, in 3 years we have tried many things but accomplished nothing, the Doc tells me to "say confident we will get there" but what else can she say "sorry your a lost course please don't come back" I even started to get angry that they weren't helping me but I realise, if they could they would so it is what it is. If only it were a condition as simple as broken bones, I've healed from a number of those with no ill effect, beats the hell out of feeling this way continuously

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 13:22:42 GMT

tranzcrybe said:
Hi Road's End,

I hope you have had this conversation with your wife and are holding nothing back about how you are feeling.

When all seems pointless, I suggest you embark on a major life upheaval - move to a new state or country and leave behind the mundane and stale. Become 'grey nomads' and relinquish the things that tie you down to reconnect with the joys of simply being.

t.

Evening tranzcrybe's post

as mentioned last post there is no gain in upsetting my wife anymore, she truly loves me and it tears her up to see me so broken and nothing she can do to help so I have become very good at hiding from her how I really feel, it's for me as much as her as I can't stand to see the sadness in her eyes, especially when i'm the course

Your idea of a new start is appealing, I've had the urge but I think it is the old "fight or flight" response in me, I can't fight it so I'll run from it but I doubt I can run fast enough to leave depression behind.

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Guest_1055 — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 14:29:20 GMT

Hello

It really seems you are quite a compassionate person and that you love your dear wife and that she loves and cares about you. Which is a beautiful thing to hold onto.

Hey have you considered or have you ever had like blood tests done to see if you are low in something? Like a vitamin or mineral. I was actually low in vitamin B12, and now take a supplement. If you are low in Vitamin D, I think this may cause mood type changes. Or have you had your thyroid tested? I am just throwing that out there incase it may help. Some doctors don't even test for these unless you ask them.

And I am guessing you must have a little bit of hope in you as you are reaching out on here. I just have a feeling you are going to be ok.

Shell

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

tranzcrybe — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 14:38:59 GMT

Hi Roads End.

Thanks for following up. I read your last post and think you are being very considerate, loving, and protective of your wife; although I can appreciate seeing your suffering reflected in her eyes would be hard to bear.

Would you still be of this opinion if your roles were reversed? How would you react to actions taken without your knowledge - if she left you behind, uninformed, in such circumstances?

Regarding a new start, I was thinking more along the lines of letting everything go to reconnect with simple pleasures - like sitting watching the sunset from some riverbank in the middle of nowhere, not running per se, just experiencing life without expectation.

Another thought, have you acquired a lifetime of skills (trade, finance, etc) that you could help others with? Applying your services to those in need (pro bono) can be a way of 'stepping out' of yourself for a few hours a week to give you distraction as well as purpose - volunteering can be personally rewarding. Could you see that as a way to keep the demons at bay?

If you are handy with the tools, you might even find the supportive environment of a Men's Shed could be some benefit for you personally but also as respite for your wife - you don't wish to burden her, so an objective ear could come in handy at times for you to talk and be heard when you feel inclined.

Perhaps you have already tried these things but I hope this could lead you to find some purpose for carrying on.

As long as there is a tomorrow, you have an opportunity to make a difference for better - for you and those around you.

Thanks for considering my words,

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End — Sun, 27 Sep 2020 15:10:25 GMT

Hi Shelll

Yes there was blood tests done to find a cause for my stubborn depression and a problem was found, way too high calcium in my blood caused by a hyperactive Parrathyroid. Too high calcium causes all sort of bad things to the body, one of them being depression, depression that medication cant work on, this was great news, I had to have an operation to remove the offending parrathyroid but after that the medication work again. There was a 3 month wait list but I considered myself very lucky it was only 3 months, the big day came, the faulty parrathyroid went and calcium dropped to normal with in 1/2 hour [how amazing is it that it drops that fast] I new the depression would take longer to lift so I patiently but optimistically waited, and waited and waited some more and then realised in my case getting the calcium right wasn't going to make a ants tennis shoe size of difference on my depression after all. I so wished it had, but there you go

In answer to the other question, ... No I don't believe there is any part of me left that wants to live,after 40 years of on off depression but even worse is the last 3 years where its constant unending despair, that 3 years isn't on off its miserable and joyless for every minute of the 3 years with the exception of 3 glorious months where ECT broke threw, but then it faded and life became black again, a taste of what life should be but snatched away again. I'm safe at the moment as there are thing I have to sort out for my wife's future and that will take 3 + weeks but even those 3 weeks will be a struggle,I'm finding I'm getting more and more resentful that I have to endure this world day after day, and why, because I cant do that to my wonderful loving wife.

Enough of my self sorrow negativity

Goodnight

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

geoff — Sun, 27 Sep 2020 17:49:31 GMT

Hi Roads End, the love and the infatuation for your wife is unbelievable, but unfortunately part of this maybe hidden, because at times it's so difficult to be able to relay to the person you love, the state you are in, how you are feeling due to previous occasions.

We sit by ourselves and recollect our thoughts, some we've kept and some we've half told not disclosing exactly what we're thinking, but by breaking down and explaining what this illness is doing, can well be tip of the iceberg, that solidify your relationship.

The future is for you being together, and there maybe times when the situation has been reversed and she will need all the help you can assist her with.

Take care.

Geoff.

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 13:16:36 GMT

There is going to be times when my wonderful wife is going to need me Geoff, that's a certainty, but I don't believe I will be there for her. It guts me to feel Ill leave her this way but I can't win this battle,I continue to fight the darkness, pushing threw so I can take care of things that have to be completed to make her life a little easier, but I'm losing to it more and more, the tricks learnt over 40 years cant even help push it back anymore, some days there is no pushing threw and I'm incapable of getting the urgent things done that I'm trying so hard to get done.

To all the poor souls afflicted and tormented by depression, my heart goes out to you, well I know your despair, pain and misery, the constant fight against the dark, the telling yourself "it's not that bad, suck it up, keep smiling" just to try staying above the gloom while it seems everyone else around you is blissfully unaware of how you are dieing inside. Yes well I know the curse and wish I could vancwish it from every poor soul but all I can do is hope on hope you can find rest and peace from this inner beast

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Sophie_M — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 13:29:29 GMT

Hey Roads End, thanks for contributing to the forums tonight. We can hear how low you're feeling tonight and acknowledge how difficult it must be to manage these thoughts of suicide. It sounds like you aren't sure what to do and don't think you can cope with the emotional pain you're experiencing any longer. At times like these, ending your life might feel like the only answer, but please know there are tools available to you and a safety plan can be so helpful during these times: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning It's also important to reach out and let someone know how you’re feeling. We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. Please check in whenever you feel up to it.

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 13:49:12 GMT

Hi Sophie_M

Thanks for your concern but it's all fine, I'm good

Kind regards Roads End

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

tranzcrybe — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 14:05:46 GMT

Hi Roads End,

Reading your post, I gather you feel you are helping your wife by preparing for your absence - but you will not be making her life easier no matter how much security you provide after you have gone. That hole in her life will never be filled, no matter how you try. Whatever your condition is, how futile you feel, you are being tricked into believing this is the only answer.

Your wife loves you for who you are now and you love her infinitely. Give up everything else, but keep the love you share, for that is enough in its entirety. Be homeless, be poor, but just be together.

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Roads_End — Sun, 15 Nov 2020 12:23:40 GMT

7 weeks or 51 days to be precise since I reached out and started this thread, 51 days just the same. just as miserable and hopeless as the last 3 years have been, nothing is going to change so why do this to myself, why keep living day after day when I absolutely hate being here. I do love my wife and yes I know it will destroy her if I give in but am I expected to live this torment for another 15 to 20 years to spare her the pain and grief, all the while hoping that some illness or accident will take me out earlier and spare me all those useless miserable years. I don't have an answer, my compassion for her keeps me from dieing when all I want to do is die, I'm just so srewed

Wonderful loving wife and thats the problem

Sophie_M — Sun, 15 Nov 2020 12:45:34 GMT

Hi Roads End,

We're sorry to hear that things haven't been improving for you. It sounds like you're in a dark place at the moment so we're getting in touch with you privately to check in.

If you feel that you are at immediate risk of giving in to these urges, this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We'd strongly urge you to be in contact with any offline supports that you might be accessing to get the treatment and support that you need in this difficult time. It would be helpful to our community if you could let them know how they can best support you, even if this is only by offering some of the kind words that they have previously.