topic Self Imploding Manchild in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Self Imploding Manchild

Obscure — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 22:26:57 GMT

I'm 43, no savings, no house, no friends, no ambition, no interest in living but i do have a crippling gambling addiction. I can't talk to my wife or anyone about my problems because they're not normal - things i'd be too scared to mention here. The last time i spoke with a counselor she had to ask for another persons help less than one minute into the conversation and near the end, i was one "wrong" answer away from being locked up for the three day observation thing. I've read some of the posts here and no one has (or at least posted about) the same problems i have.

I do want to feel better but truly believe i'd be put away if i was honest about what goes through my head. It's getting harder and harder to conform to what is deemed as "normal".

I take pills for anxiety but in some ways i think i'm worse off for it. My gambling has been far worse since being on the pills.

For the last four months or so I think about suicide daily. How to do it, where, when, what my note would say.

Self Imploding Manchild

Sophie_M — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 22:53:45 GMT

Hi Obscure,

Thank you for joining our online community. We know it can be hard to write the first post but we appreicate what you have shared with us.

It really sounds like you have a lot on your mind and feel alone with these intense thoughts. We're sorry to hear about this experience you had with that counsellor, we can only imagine how that must have been for you in the moment.

Should you ever feel like talking with a different counsellor, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport ).

You may also want to contact Gambling Help on 1800 858 858. They are also available 24/7 by phone and other online support on their website (https://www.gamblinghelponline.org.au/).

We understand that it can be extremely difficult to reach out for support when you feel so low but we can also hear how much you want to feel better.

Keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Self Imploding Manchild

Croix — Thu, 05 Nov 2020 06:40:29 GMT

Dear Obscure~

At around your age I wrote a suicide note. It was a clear and logical document, it explained that I’d arrived at my current circumstances entirely though my own failings, that as they were part of me there be no hope of change and emphasizing my family was in no way to blame and to start again with someone more worthy.

I’d been invalided out of my job due to stress (later called PTSD, Depression and Anxiety) - and had been told I’d not work again -ever, had no money, a disability and a mortgage I did not think we could pay off.

I kept as much of this as a I could, particularly about plans to kill myself, secret, not even telling my doctor

If at the time I’d been told that I would end up having a good life, loved and loving, able to give support as well as accepting support myself, having an occupation that I did well and gave me satisfaction I would have thought it was meaningless rubbish by some do-gooder.

I did not end up using this 'note' as I then decided that an ‘accident’ would be less burden on all. I did try to kill myself more than once however the last time something changed.

A year later, reading that document I saw that it was a note in which there was no hope, and filled with self-blame to the exclusion of absolutely anything else. My mental condition had narrowed down my perceptions until there was nothing left but insoluble problems, the outside world and its opportunities hidden. I did not know myself or anything else.

So what happened in that year?

Well, first I did tell someone, my wife, and she turned out to be so much stronger, more capable and understanding than I’d thought possible and we lived together for many years til she passed away.

I received proper medical help. When the full picture was before my psychiatrist it was easier to treat the problem

Yes, I ended up in hospital. I’ll not give too many details here except to say it was upsetting and frightening though not horrendous, and made all the difference, it was the start of my improvement.

Apart from gambling I do not know your other problems, anything from ‘borrowing’ money to … well I don’t know.

I do know that if there was a path for me I’d think there has to be one for you too.

We have both stared into the abyss of death in despair, I have survived that and with help you can too

the hard part is that first step to say exactly how you are to someone. If you want to know my reasons I'll tell you another time

Please keep talking

Croix

Self Imploding Manchild

Egbert97 — Thu, 05 Nov 2020 08:22:54 GMT

Hang in there Obscure, don’t let one counsellor experience dissuade you from seeking more help. There’s many little things that can impact your mood and their mood walking into things, and maybe their personality just wasnt for you. It took me a bit of looking around to find the right one, same for my girlfriend.

It’s totally normal to doubt your sanity sometimes, but the fact you’re here on these forums and can recognise your issues is a clear indicator that you want the best for yourself and can achieve it. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

Self Imploding Manchild

Obscure — Thu, 05 Nov 2020 20:46:03 GMT

nice story

Self Imploding Manchild

Obscure — Thu, 05 Nov 2020 20:49:30 GMT

more than one counsellor has let me down. i've been to at least three others and nothing good happens.

have you ever been angry, miserable, horny and suicidal at the same time? it's quite confusing

Self Imploding Manchild

Croix — Fri, 06 Nov 2020 08:39:31 GMT

Dear Obscure~

I'm afraid I don't know which way to take your comment, "nice story". Maybe you felt it was, maybe you were skeptical, I dunno.

If you were to look at each stage in my story then no, not nice, not endurable sometimes. Not just for me either. If you look at it overall you might say horror story with an slow escape to a good ending.

I did not write it to encourage you to feel you are permanently stuck as you are now and I'm dangling the impossible before you. I wrote it in an effort to let you see that you can be wrong about life, as I was.

I admit I had luck, a strong partner who had her own support, and finding the right medical professionals that fit with me - also in time the right meds. Without those that nothing good would have happened.

So nice story or not use your anger and despair to find the professional that does click, shows care and compassion and an ability, after trust is gained, to help lead out of the mire.

I will pass one comment, you talk of councilors, I'm talking psychiatrists.

Croix

Self Imploding Manchild

tranzcrybe — Fri, 06 Nov 2020 11:39:28 GMT

Hi Obscure,

Thanks for posting to BB.

I can see how the meds aren't helpful to your gambling - feeling less inhibited, perhaps? Speak to your GP (or read the 'side effects' screed). It's also a coping mechanism not dissimilar to self harm, so I feel for your pain and loathing.

No friends? Your wife is the best friend you'll ever have and, although you would need to be attentive to reactions and sensitive to overload, your problems are hers whether she knows it or not - your suicidal thoughts will directly affect her future, your gambling will be affecting household expenses. I think your wife would be keen to find a way out of these things and grateful for the opportunity to work things through together.

I wouldn't worry too much about rising to 'normality' in the eyes of others, but I'd recommend coming to terms with your present reality. Using your thread to examine what is and isn't working for you may help to objectify your thoughts.

Hoping you find this of some use.

Regards,

Self Imploding Manchild

therising — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:09:28 GMT

Hi Obscure

Without a doubt, you sound thoroughly frustrated and understandably so. Sounds like you have a lot of different intense emotions going on at once and are incredibly desperate to make sense of it all. You mention 'normal', which is a word I find interesting (whenever anyone mentions it). I like to consider what is 'normal', under the circumstances, the circumstances a person may have faced and be facing. So, the thoughts and emotions you're facing may in fact be normal or natural, under the circumstances. 'Good' or 'bad' becomes subjective.

My personal experience, I can look back and say it was natural that the course my life took would lead me into depression. It was natural that the nature of depression and its intensity would lead me to want to take my own life at one point. It was also natural that what led me out of depression would be the thing to lead me out of depression. Even though depression was exhausting, pretty soul destroying and it nearly killed me, this doesn't take away from the fact it was all normal or typical, under the circumstances I faced. Sometimes, instead of thinking 'What's wrong with me?' we're better off wondering about the circumstances that have led us to where we are.

It can be tough when the way forward may involve us revealing everything that's going on in our head but we can't put it out there to be deciphered (made sense of), for fear of judgement and the kind of consequences we really want to avoid. So, we're stuck with it in our head getting more intense and with no promise of change. Makes you want to scream, that's for sure.

Me, I'm a weird one (unconventional). For me, I've found 'weird' works. 'Weird' is my normal. If people don't get me...well...as my daughter would say 'Mum, that's a them problem' and as my son would say when you've got an insult directed toward you 'That's nice' (with a smile). My kids have been great in teaching me to detach from insult. Obscure, I've come to realise that while I may be accused of being sensitive to harsh judgement or insult (I can easily pick it up), it's exactly what leads me to identify a somewhat insane person. Who in their right mind would believe insulting someone is a sane thing to do or even a logical thing? Inspiration makes far more sense.

Glad you came here to try and make sense of 'what is normal'. Hope you return on your quest toward greater self understanding. On any quest, there are many questions leading us to find direction 🙂

Self Imploding Manchild

Obscure — Sun, 08 Nov 2020 20:42:28 GMT

nice story

Self Imploding Manchild

Obscure — Sun, 08 Nov 2020 20:45:14 GMT

my wife is not my best friend. i'm only with her because we have a child together. i gamble to get away from her.

i dont want to be normal, i just dont understand normal people.

Self Imploding Manchild

Obscure — Sun, 08 Nov 2020 20:48:46 GMT

i didnt understand half of what you said.

i have no aspiration to be normal, what i meant was the mask i put on to fit in is wearing thin and i can't be bothered anymore. i come in to work and dont talk to anyone, just do my work and go home. i want to not exist, i dont want anything else

Self Imploding Manchild

Sophie_M — Sun, 08 Nov 2020 21:12:48 GMT

Hey Obscure,

We’re so sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much pain and feel like you are putting on a mask to fit in. These are very dfficult feelings and you sound like you are in a great amount of distress. We have reached out to you privately to offer support.

May we ask if you are currently seeking mental health support? We could strongly encourage you to talk to a friendly, caring counselor by contacting MensLine Australia which is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

You can also contact our Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport . They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. There is a webchat service available on the website if you’d prefer to speak over the internet.

Please keep sharing with us how you are doing and feeling so that we can continue to understand and support you.

Self Imploding Manchild

tranzcrybe — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 07:47:24 GMT

Hi Obscure,

Thank you, that is very helpful in filling in some of the blanks. If your wife is not your friend now, why is she still with you?

I'm impressed that you took the moral high ground to stay and raise your child - isn't this an asset to you even larger than owning a house? Do you live for them and find pleasure in time spent together? Is your gambling taking away valuable time for this activity?

Could you accept that it is perfectly 'normal' to find oneself in a loveless marriage, lacklustre career, and with no sense of direction? What is' now' does no always infer 'forever'.

You gamble to avoid your wife - if you leave your wife, will that automatically resolve your gambling problem or is that just an excuse?
You have no friends - why not join a social activity, men's shed, or sporting pursuit? It may be more rewarding than gambling alone (at least you might gamble less).
Even if you have no ambition, you have a reliable job which contributes to the household in a meaningful manner. Often there can be workplace socials or interest groups you may wish to join (depending on the nature of your occupation).

The point is, Obscure, nothing is ever really set in stone - there are usually options and compromises to find where you want to be on your terms. If you are not happy with your life, trace it back to where things turned sour and make the necessary adjustments. Some things may involve expense, and others will require you to relinquish long held beliefs of conformity.

If you have spent years trying to be someone you are not, now is the time to discover yourself and make the most of your next 43 years - wherever that takes you. Avoid finality at all cost.

Regards,

Self Imploding Manchild

Obscure — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 20:46:38 GMT

no i'm not getting any support because last time i was nearly put away. i dont see the point anyway. I've seen multiple counsellors, therapists and psychiatrists and none of them work. when i explain whats in my head i think it's a bit beyond them to be honest.

Self Imploding Manchild

Obscure — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 20:52:16 GMT

I think the truth is, i dont want to get better.

Self Imploding Manchild

Helarctus — Tue, 10 Nov 2020 03:34:35 GMT

Hi Obscure,

"Better" is subjective.

From the way you have written it is clear you are unhappy about several parts of life at the moment. If you just look at those part, would you want to increase/decrease each part? As Tranzcrybe mentioned regarding the gambling, it could be a coping mechanism or a problem of its own or both or something else.

You might not want to change from who you are into the "normal" you observe around you, and that is ok. That is just one direction you could move yourself, not the only way.

Unfortunately there is no magic cure_all or wand you can wave to find the right person to talk to on the first try, there are several threads where people have posted attesting to that. That you came on here and wrote is a good sign that you want to communicate and be understood.

While the people posting here can empathise and cite their personal experience for some insight and suggest what has worked for them, we aren't going to be able to provide the sort of 1:1 time that it sounds like you might need to get the issues off your chest so you can take the step back and look at them without their shadow looming over you.

I hope you do have some good fortune finding a Psych to speak with that is patient and able to help you unpack the knot of emotions and thoughts you have described.

Self Imploding Manchild

yggdrasil — Tue, 10 Nov 2020 07:32:50 GMT

Have you ever tried expressing what's in your head through some sort of "artistic" medium? I think it's easier for people to engage with the extreme thoughts of others if it's abstracted from the person a little bit. If someone explained to a psychologist thoughts along the lines of the plot of "Sin City", maybe the psych would be overwhelmed, but they could probably watch the films/read the comics just fine. Most people like engaging with extreme content, they just want it packaged in a certain way.