topic Why do I do it in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Why do I do it

Di76 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:09:23 GMT

Im not sure im even posting this on the right forum. Please tell me if its not. Hi.... so... upfront.....I have not read through many posts. Im sorry. I just thought I needed an outlet. Dont even know where to begin. Im 44 years old. I have a great (although very stressful) job. 2 grown kids i love. 1 granddaughter I adore. Dating an amazing man for just over 7 yrs. Lost my sister 2 yrs ago from pancreatic cancer. That's when my life fell apart. The hurt is unbearable. Just the last few months.....I self harmed. I had no intention to end my life. I just maybe wanted physical pain to take away the emotional pain.

Why do I do it

Guest_4643 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:21:01 GMT

Hi Di76, welcome. You're posting on the right forums, so that's no problem.

I'm sorry to hear you self harmed and you lost your sister to cancer.

Why do I do it

Sophie_M — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:25:54 GMT

Hi Di76,

Welcome to our valued community forums. You have posted to the correct forum, and it's okay if you don't - these forums are moderated, and our moderation team will send you a private message to let you know if they need to relocate your thread.

We're glad that you came here as an outlet. We're so sorry to hear that you have lost your sister, and the hurt that you are going through as a result. Loss can be so painful, and the resulting grief can be different for everyone - you're not alone in this. You might be interested in our page on "Grief and Loss” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/grief-and-loss

Can we ask if you have received any mental health support to help you through this painful loss? You might be interested in getting in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.

You may also be interested in our page on "Self harm and self injury", which provides some insight on why you might be self harming. You also might find it useful for ideas on how to find less harmful coping methods - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injury

Thank you so much for reaching out here and sharing your story. Many in our community have had similar experiences and can relate. Hopefully a few will reach out here to welcome you over the next few days.

Why do I do it

Di76 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:31:24 GMT

😔😔😔😔😔

Why do I do it

Guest_4643 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:33:12 GMT

Why those emojis, Di?

Why do I do it

Di76 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:35:43 GMT

Saw someone once. I thought I was ok

Why do I do it

Di76 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:37:06 GMT

Coz thats how i feel.

Why do I do it

Guest_4643 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:41:11 GMT

I was just trying to welcome you to the forums and say I'm sorry for how you're feeling

Why do I do it

Di76 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:45:19 GMT

This is not the easiest forum to follow. Should I mention.....im a butcher?

Why do I do it

Guest_4643 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:48:03 GMT

You'll get the hang of the forums soon enough. You can go into "my threads" and you can find threads you've made and commented on and it will say that others have aswell. I was just trying to be friendly and welcome you

Why do I do it

Di76 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:51:39 GMT

I know and thank you so much. My emoji was not for your comment xxx

Why do I do it

Di76 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:54:31 GMT

Thank you I appreciate that more than you know xxx im sorry if I sounded like a bitch. Was not my intention xxx

Why do I do it

Ggrand — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 06:55:32 GMT

Hello Dearest Di76,

A warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I am deeply sorry that you lost your beautiful sister to pancreatic cancer...My deepest condolences Di...

Di...2 year’s isn’t that long ago...your pain is so raw.... their is no time limit to grieving for a loved one..I lost my husband to cancer 7 years ago,,,and it took me a long time before I could even talk about him...without crying...even now after 7 years, I have some days that I think about him a lot and cry...I don’t think our grief ever ends...but it does get easier with time...

It might not feel like it now...in time the hurt eases... We never ever forget our loved ones..You hold your sister safely deep within your heart and soul... Your love for your sister will never leave you....We are here lovely Di...If you feel the need to talk... about anything at all...

I’m so sorry you have self harmed yourself...Umm you say you are dating an amazing man,,,Is your s/h and how much your hurting something that you feel comfortable talking over with your partner ?.....or your GP...

please talk here anytime you you feel up to it...and keep us updated on how your managing...

My kindest and most caring thoughts....

Grandy..

Why do I do it

Di76 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 07:02:50 GMT

You are so kind. Im finding texting on this forum hard lol. I have so much I wish I could talk about. To my kids and partner im a pillar of strength. No one knows the real feelings I am having

Why do I do it

therising — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 21:09:07 GMT

Hi Di76

My heart goes out to you as you face the overwhelming struggle that has come with your sister passing.

It's good that you suspect you know why the self harm took place. Knowing why can definitely make things easier in the way of managing that impulse. Can't help but wonder if the self harm led you to feel sadder. The reason I ask relates to my own reasons for doing it when I was much younger and how it led me to feel. By the way, I'm a 70s gal too, born bang on 1970.

While emotions can feel like a gift at times, they can also feel like a curse, especially when the intensity of them leads us to feel like we're falling apart. In my opinion, 2 of the toughest emotions to manage would have to be heartbreak and complete and utter despair. They're so incredibly painful. It's amazing how heartbreak can feel so physical, that aching in the chest. Mending a broken heart can require not just simply time but a management plan. How we manage healing is what can make the difference.

Have you considered ways to manage? While self harm is one way, of course, as you would already know, it's not the best way. Have you considered opening up to your partner or perhaps looking into some grief counseling? Do you have someone in your life who is sensitive to emotion, who can relate to the mental and physical impact of it? Someone who has an understanding of emotion coupled with a balance of managing their emotions could be the person to speak to. It sounds like you may need someone who deeply feels for you in the incredible challenge you face. I believe, such a person would make a good listener, giving you the opportunity to really vent. It's so important to release heartbreak.

Di, at 50 I'm still coming across emotions I've never dealt with before in my life. I'll continue to come across those which will really test me, such as losing a family member. I'm very sensitive to emotion and know I'll need to manage carefully. Managing is how I've so far mastered not returning to depression. While my 15 or so years in depression is behind me, there are times that can have me fearfully standing on the brink, looking into that dark abyss. While intense emotions can scare and drain me, I know they're also challenging me in some way, to reform myself. If only there was an instruction manual for life with a chapter on 'Managing extreme emotion'. I'm sure emotional exhaustion would be included.

On a lighter note Di, do you enjoy your job, even though it's stressful?

Take care 🙂

Why do I do it

Guest_4643 — Tue, 29 Dec 2020 11:59:05 GMT

Hi Di. How are you doing?

And you did nothing wrong, it's ok. I understand you're upset and it's hard to open up to new people, online or not. But I promise you this is a safe, welcome place that is moderated. We're all here with welcoming and sympathetic arms. No one here will judge you or be rude. We're all here for one another. It's a nice safe place to be.

Why do I do it

Jstar49 — Tue, 29 Dec 2020 12:22:45 GMT

Hi Di,

It sounds like you were really close to your sister. I can imagine how much it hurts to not have her in your life anymore, to share lovely times and tough times.

Has Christmas been especially hard for you?

I would like to hear more of your story, when you are ready to talk about it. It does take a bit of getting used to the system here, but as everyone has said, once you get used to it, it's a great place to be, and to share. There's many ppl here with different experiences and viewpoints. I've found it really helpful to say here what I can't say at home, or with friends. Having said that it's good if you partner understands something of what you're going through, even if it seems like he doesn't understand and isn't able to offer you the support you need right now.

Once my husband knew why I was coming on here, to talk, and how safe it was, then he was able to be more understanding.

My daughter was self harming for some time. It was a real cry for help I think.

Big hugs,

Why do I do it

Di76 — Wed, 30 Dec 2020 10:33:46 GMT

Thankyou for your reply. Well.. I told my family and partner.. everything. I feel good and bad about that. But. I did it. As a result.....I've been taken to a dr and now have the help I need. Got a psychologist appointment 22nd jan.

Why do I do it

Di76 — Wed, 30 Dec 2020 10:35:50 GMT

Thank you for your reply. I told my family and partner everything I have an appointment with a psychologist soon

Why do I do it

Guest_4643 — Wed, 30 Dec 2020 10:45:05 GMT

Thats good. Hopefully your appointment goes well. I wish I could see my professionals earlier.