topic Trigger warning I made a plan in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Trigger warning I made a plan

Kombie390 — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 03:33:04 GMT

So I've made a plan. Is this a vent. A cry for help. I don't know. This has been thought about for weeks now and I have tried every distraction I can think of and do. None of these have worked I have thrown myself into each of them to the brink of becoming physically unwell. Its part punishment knowing I don't deserve anything good not even this life of mine I'm currently living. It's to change these thoughts and part trying to take myself out before I plan to carry out the plan.

My counsellors are all unaware they are concerned because the past few sessions with each of them I have sat in the chair in almost silence to not allow my voice to accidentally slip up and say the wrong things making them even more suspicious. I don't want to be locked away for my own protection. I want to make this final choice for myself. Lately it feels like choices have been taken away from me or been made for me.

I have tried to re-anchor myself to stay for my kids I can't my brain won't allow it. The dissociation makes it feels like I've been picked up in a cyclone and it hasn't tossed me out yet dumping me somewhere. As it has been life has been swallowing me whole then spitting me back out. I am raw from life's issues. I am tired. I just want a little peace within.

Trigger warning I made a plan

Sophie_M — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 03:57:03 GMT

Hi kombie,

We're so sorry to hear that you're in such a dark place right now. We can hear that you're tired and that life has been really tough lately. It sounds like you're really struggling to keep yourself safe at the moment, so we'd recommend that you call 000 (triple zero) - this is a choice that you can make for yourself.

We are getting in touch with you privately to check in and offer you support. Please know that we think you are valuable - very deserving of good things, and your life - and we are reaching out to you because we are really concerned about you. We'd like to be able to help you through this time.

It's important that you let your counsellors know what's happening for you so that they can help, and offer you the supports that you need. We hope to speak with you soon kombie.

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sunnyl20 — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 06:45:28 GMT

Hey Kombie,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I know that you don't see it right now, but you do deserve good things in life, you do deserve help and care. You have so much more value than you realise. If it feels too difficult to let your counsellor know face-to-face what's happening, maybe try to contact them via email or phone if this is possible so that you can get the extra support you need. They are there to help. You are tired, and you want a little peace within - I hear you. But you can find what you need without ending everything permanently. I know you don't think this can happen, but I hope one day you can see this.

Please stay. Take care.

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Delectable — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 07:17:43 GMT

I understand how you feel, and it’s hard to continue to exist, I’m sure you’re hurting terrible every day..take care

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smallwolf — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 07:52:28 GMT

I can see pain in your story. I am not sure what has happened for you to reach this point. Perhaps writing here is your way of reaching out. I have often said that our mind is good at playing tricks on us. And it is easy to think these thought as facts about ourselves. And you do so deserve to be able to find some happiness and joy in your life. You are also worthy and your story told.

I am not sure of what your professional help can do, but I also know that talking to my psychologist about suicide has been helpful - or it was for me. I do not want to go into the details. What I will tell you is that shortly thereafter I was also put onto medication and that has helped me. Is there anyone who in your family or friends who know what you are going through at the moment?

I do not have any answers for you. But I can share insights into my own journey, tips or tricks that have worked for me or apps I use. I do not want to throw too much information at you, except to say that I am listening and I hope you will return to talk about yourself.

Peace to you

Tim

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Kombie390 — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 00:47:55 GMT

Everyone I do appreciate all your kindness and support I really do. It's not for me. I'm sorry. I met with my crisis case worker this morning and I froze not able to say how anything really is. Here I am feeling nothing but absolute shame. Shame on me for not reaching out to the help and support I know is right there on front of me and what ashame I don't want to save myself.

Trigger warning I made a plan

sunnyl20 — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 04:57:51 GMT

I am so sorry you didn’t feel able to talk to your case worker. Please know that there is no shame in what you are going through. I don’t know the details of what has happened, but I know you are in a lot of pain - there is no shame in feeling like there is no other escape, and there is no shame in struggling to seek help, just as there is no shame in seeking help and needing extra support. Is there anyone who you have been able to talk to when things have deteriorated in the past? Please take care. We’re here for you.

Trigger warning I made a plan

smallwolf — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 12:04:28 GMT

We all (?) have things that may be difficult to talk about. I had great difficulty talking about suicide with my psychologist. I could not answer the questions that were asked to me - actually, I could not talk, chose not to talk, and either stared at the floor or ceiling and really did not want to be there. I was (not) quite a mess that day.

(I was and am a person based on all of my experiences. My thoughts or what I had been told about suicide were wrong and as a consequence thought that I was weak for not being able to control myself.)

I do not know much about your thoughts on this topic or what stopped from being about to tell your therapist. And whatever it was, please know that you are not the first person to freeze or the last. Similarly, you are not a bad person because you could not tell them.

If you cannot tell your support people, perhaps an email or give them something in writing. Would that make it easier for you.

For myself ... we were eventually able to talk it through. I also had a embarrassing thing to talk about re side-effects of an AD I was prescribed. The relationship with our therapist is odd - we share our inner-most thought and secrets that we might not be able to tell our partner. And yet we also using a service. Again, for myself, given this odd relationship we have, once certain topics have been discussed other things become so so.

Please be kind to yourself and know the people also care about you, walking this journey with you.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

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Quercus — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 18:40:18 GMT

Hi Kombie,

I hope you are safe.

Reading your posts felt like seeing my own thoughts in the past put into words. You are clearly in so much pain right now and my goodness how I wish I could help ease that somehow.

You wrote about not being able to speak and I know that feeling far too well. You've already worked out what is stopping you from getting the support you need... feeling ashamed.

I felt the same. It took years to be able to let anyone see how desperately I needed help.

My husband asked me to write down my thoughts that day. Letting him read the worst was so terrifying but also such a massive relief. Being brutally honest even though I was so deeply ashamed was the best thing I've ever done for myself and the reason I'm alive today.

I gave the same paper to the doctors, then the psychiatrist. Words just wouldn't come out for me either. The psychiatrist told me that I was so distressed that words weren't possible and that it was ok to need medical help just to be safe.

You sound afraid of needing to be in hospital. I was too. Flat out refused to go. They didn't force me to though. I had a safety plan and had very regular appointments. Had to have my husband home until the meds started to help. And they did.

So you know... I had a detailed plan also. Had two kids I was desperately trying to live for. When you are depressed and suicidal it is so bloody hard to even feel you're worth helping let alone to ask for help.

You are worth helping. I'll repeat that as long as you need.

I think it's so courageous of you to be posting. I wasn't able to. Didn't write here until I was better. I hope you keep writing. There is no shame here. We get it. We've been there too. Noone here is going to judge you.

I hope you get the help that you need. My heart goes out to you.

It can get better. One day at a time.

Love Nat

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geoff — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 20:57:19 GMT

Hello Kombie, MI is a cruel illness, to try and find our own way is difficult and unless you have struggled through it yourself, then how can you possibly understand and unless you've been trained it's incomprehensible.

Choices and decisions were made by my wife and kids, why, because I couldn't even attempt to, I wasn't strong enough or didn't want to be involved, and yes it made me feel left out, but I wasn't well and this could not be blamed on me and this also is not your fault.

Take care.

Geoff.

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Kombie390 — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 07:14:57 GMT

I still haven't told my case manager or my counsellors anything about my upcoming plan. I don't feel brave. I am a coward. I am very unworthy. I have ditched work for over 2 weeks now just saying I'm unwell. I just stay hiding away partly for my protection. You see it's not just depression & the plan eating away at me from the inside out I'm in hiding from my abusive husband and my abusive family. My kids remain at the family home with their dad my husband. I am so torn to take further action maybe if I'm not here my kids oh I don't know anything anymore

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Sophie_M — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 07:45:37 GMT

Hey Kombie,

We're so sorry to hear how much pain you're in right now. However, we are so grateful that you decided to reach out to our friendly community, and we hope that you find some help and advice in the great support they have all offered. Please know that you are strong and valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse. We can hear what a tough space you're in right now, but please know that you never have to go through this alone, and you don't have to keep these thoughts and feelings bottled up inside.

Our Support Service is also currently reaching out to you as we are worried about you.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation, and you can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through their online chat: https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Please also know that our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are there for you anytime, day or night, when things are feeling like too much to cope with. Please do feel free to use these services as often as you need in overhelming times like these.

However, if you feel unable to stop yourself from acting on these thoughts, it's really important that you contact triple zero straightaway, or you can also attend your local hospital if you feel able to make the journey yourself.

We know it has taken a lot of strength and courage for you to share this with us here, so thank you. We hope that you can find some comfort from our caring community and please feel free to continue updating us, whenever you feel able to.

Trigger warning I made a plan

Delectable — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 09:10:28 GMT

Hi Kombie390

Just wanted to let you know I’m the result of being left with an violent father after my mother left, maybe in your children it’s different as there appears to be some family but do you really want them to grow up in that environment if you were no longer around?
I’m sure you would want the best for your children and it seems you are the only one that can make it happen!
Being a single parent wouldn’t be easy but children really just need love, please think of them before you go ahead with your plan.

Trigger warning I made a plan

Kombie390 — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 10:23:32 GMT

I am truly sorry Delectable, your needs weren't met growing up being left to fend and survive the best you could.
I always think of them and I overthink I'm aware of the stats. Their lives would be destroyed and turned upside down their futures forever changed. I'm selfish I know. I'm exhausted from a lifetime of trauma I protected them from witnessing so much I downplayed what really was going on.

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Ggrand — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 10:28:33 GMT

Hello Dear Kombie,

I am deeply sorry that you’re hurting so much that you made a plan...My heart breaks for you knowing that your husband is abusive towards you...

You say your hiding from him..are you safe, and are your children safe with your husband?..

Kombie...Your precious children need you...you are the only mum that they will ever have and the love they have for you is so deep...and honestly sweetheart you are irreplaceable to them...and they for you...They will be devasted beyond words if you carried out your plan....I know because I got to the stage of writing a suicide note to my children....That’s when I realised that no matter how much my husband hurt my soul..my children are so precious and much more important..

My husband has passed away now for 7 years but the hurt and pain is still living with me...But I am determined that he will not win...and I want to prove that to myself and my children by living the rest of my life as good as I can...Please don’t let him win...

The number Sophie has given you..Please reach out to them.. or the police..you can charge him if you feel able to....if not the police should help you in getting your children away from him and back into your arms...where they belong..

You are a very brave person Kombie..you had the courage to leave him...I was to scared to do that..and my children suffered all their growing years so much.. because I didn’t leave him....

You’re not a coward sweetheart..If you can’t vocally tell your professional about what you’re feeling and wanting to do...Then please try hard to write it out or even show your psych..your thread here on Beyond Blue...They can’t fully help you..until they know exactly what your thinking and feeling....They want to help lovely lady...because you are very much worth being helped...Please try hard not to be scared to open up to them...I know it’s hard..but so well worth it...

Talk here anytime you feel up to it...We are all here for you with our care and support...

Sending you my kindest and most caring thoughts dear Kombie..

Grandy..

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sunnyl20 — Sun, 08 Nov 2020 03:47:38 GMT

Hey Kombie, I am sorry things are so dark right now. Please know though, you are not a coward and you are not unworthy. You deserve to be safe and you deserve the support and care of your counsellors. You are worth so much more than you think. What you are going through right now sounds horrendous and traumatizing and no one should ever have to go through that, let alone on their own. As mentioned above, I would really encourage you to contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) when and if you are able to. There are also other state-specific services that you can find here: https://www.respect.gov.au/services/

You are so brave, I know that you don't see it but you have so much courage. We are here for you. Please feel free to talk more on here.

Take care.

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Kombie390 — Fri, 13 Nov 2020 09:50:26 GMT

I went to work for one day earlier this week and my boss told me to take the rest of this week off which I did. Apparently I didn't look ok.
I've tried distractions galore to shift my mindset, this has not worked not even slightly. I just don't want to live because I am so tired. A break can't come in this life.

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Sophie_M — Fri, 13 Nov 2020 10:17:00 GMT

Hey Kombie390, thanks for checking in with us tonight. It sounds like things are especially difficult for you at this time. We want you to know that you are valuable and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

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Delectable — Thu, 19 Nov 2020 08:07:02 GMT

How are you? I have noticed when one doesn’t post no one tends to check to see how someone is, I know this from my own thread. I hope you are somewhat ok and have found a solution for yourself and children, I hope others post on here and show you some concern even if you’re quiet.

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sunnyl20 — Fri, 20 Nov 2020 23:56:16 GMT

Kombie390, how are you going? I hope that you are okay. Please know we are here if you need to chat. Take care.

topic *Trigger warning* I made a plan in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

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topic Trigger warning I made a plan in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

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