topic Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client? in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest927 — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 08:16:46 GMT

My therapist made it clear we have issues with our professional relationship.

I came out from my first trip in a mental health ward and had a support worker who visited me twice every week and was there for me between these meet-ups. From then, I was transferred to a community mental health team and assigned a therapist who only saw me once a week.

I used to have breakdowns mid-week, and would attempt to call or email her and ask for calls for support. Most sessions, I was unable to speak truthfully due to anxiety, and would send clarifying messages after.

Overtime, she began to say my calls were not helpful, and overall gave off a vibe that I shouldn't call her. She was always busy, so I was very anxious to call.

Eventually, she said no to all texts and emails based around therapy, which had become my only way to communicate truthfully to her. I tried to suggest other options, like maybe some kind of personal chat room for our sessions (which were almost always calls during COVID times) but she said it wasn't allowed in any text format. She said it wasn't "therapeutic" and was crossing boundaries, even when it was me trying my hardest to be a helpful client.

I know I am dependent on her, and she said so too. I brought up the possibility of dependent personality disorder, but she didn't really...focus or continue that conversation. (Not diagnosed with it). She never really helped me understand my dependency, or work through why it was there, or come up with alternatives or anything. Is it my fault? Was I acting out of turn and being a bad client? Cause that's how I felt every time she told me my emails were out of line and ignored my texts trying to explain. Should she have focused more on trying to help me cope with these dependent emotions? I feel like she sort of just...cut me off. And maybe that's the only way, but it didn't help me to get over it at all.

This experience happened earlier this year, and since then I have only become more meek around her. I never say no or assert myself, I blame myself for everything the time. I never want to bother her, seeing her makes me want to cry. I feel so angry that this was allowed to go for so long, but I hate myself for feeling anything negative toward her. The whole thing has given me a LOT of self-loathing. We tried a new psychologist, and I immediately had the same problems.

Are there therapists who can help me deal with this specifically?

(Sorry for such a long post ;-; It's very complicated)

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Petal22 — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 09:10:41 GMT

Hi phoenix6,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it must be difficult for you.

Would you try a new psychologist? Sometimes it takes a few tries until you find the correct one….

A clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist could diagnose if this is something your interested in?

Please feel free to tell me more about you and what your experiencing I’m here to listen.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Croix — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 09:40:23 GMT

Dear Juliette~

I'd have to I do not think there is any such thing as a 'bad' client. Clients are not always people that fit neatly into time-slots, or can explain lucidly face to face - much though I'm sure that is all many very busy medical personnel can afford to give. It is by no means an unusual situation.

So I guess the first item on any agenda may be to try to assist you find alternative ways of dealing with crises wihtout attempting to contact the therapist. From what you say neither psychologist has done this. That does not make them bad psychologists, simply not the right ones to click with you.

It sounds as if your current situation is negative, being passive and afraid to upset your therapist is not an ideal way to be, and, as you say, makes you think the worst of yourself.

Could I suggest you go back to your referring GP and explain this problem? Maybe show your GP the post you have just written - it does explain things clearly. Then see if there are any other alternatives open to you. This might be another therapist, it might be s support group, an on-line course such as the Mindspot Clinic

https://www.mindspot.org.au/

or other avenues.

I'd also like to ask if you have any personal support, you mentioned family and a friend. It can be helpful just for them to be around and to talk wiht you about more general matters, rather than your intense feelings.

While there is no reason not to talk about them until they understand how you feel, then steering things away can help you as well as leave them feeling more satisfied and less frustrated or guilty.

What do you think?

Croix

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

mmMekitty — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 11:51:20 GMT

Hello Phoenix6

From the research I did when finding my Psychiatrist, it is rare for therapists to have sessions via email or text. My Psychiatrist (PDr) will accept text or email if it relates to billing or if I have to cancel a session - things like that. Then, at my next session, we'd talk about the issue in more detail, if necessary. On occasion I have left a message on his voice mail, but this was also about appointments, or issues with invoices/Medicare very rare indeed.

I've been to 4 different Psychiatrists. With 3 I had to leave messages with their secretaries.

I've heard people have emailed their therapists, sometimes frequently, & I understand that it's true, therapy cannot take place in this way. The direct communication between therapist & client/patient is vital. We communicate with each other using more than typed words. We use emotional expression, vocal inflections, facial & body language, all combined to create a whole dialogue of sight, sound & emotion. That's why telehealth is not ideal, & where possible it is much better for clients & therapists to meet in person.

I understand opening up to another person is something which causes a lot of anxiety. I question whether it is the anxiety that causes you to not be honest?

I get very nervous, have been unable to speak, then unable to say what I thought was the worst, or what sounded 'silly'. It took time & a lot of patience before I could speak more & say more. Sometimes I'd say something, not intending to lie, or be dishonest, but what I'd said was not accurate, or plain wrong. I took time thinking about it, asking myself why did I say that? & there is generally a reason.

If I'd jumped on the phone or email & tried to make it right immediately , not waiting for the next week's sessions, I might never have worked this out for myself.

Now I am glad of my once a week, (unless he's away) sessions. It gives me time to work through things we have said, how I've felt as well. It sure can be difficult, though.

May I suggest, whether you see someone else or when you see the current therapist, you ask to please explain about the boundaries & what you can & cannot expect from therapy & your therapist. My PDr was very clear about these things,& even so, we sometimes have to speak again about them.

These rules you & your therapist agree to are there to benefit both you & therapist, primarily to keep the relationship professional.

All the best,

mmMekitty

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

geoff — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 13:45:29 GMT

Hello Phoenix, being the patient in a situation like this is very traumatic, and much has been said, so basically, it's not up to you to blend in with the therapist, if this happened then nothing would be achieved, they have to understand the problems you are trying to overcome and if they are unable to do this, then suggest someone else.

You are seeking their help and you can't perform to how they want you to, once again this is only putting a bandaid on the problem, it's up to them to work out the problem.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest927 — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 00:20:54 GMT

Yeah...that's one of the reasons why i don't like to talk about this. cause i'm the one in the wrong She's explained it all to me a thousand times, and continually i keep messing it all up and which is why now i hardly ever call. I don't know why i can't speak honestly to her, I think it's because of the serious anxiety i started to have. She said once that we didn't have a good relationship and that she was going to figure out what happened, but i think sometime after that became covid and more deterioration with me.

I know that in person is better, but at the time, in person just meant me sobbing the entire time and unable to say any of my actual concerns. When i texted, it was because i did have time to think and work out my emotions and could write it out properly. I knew in session, I would be so scared to talk about it.

i don't know....it was probably a mistake posting this.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest927 — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 00:22:52 GMT

I tried another psychologist and immediately had the same problems. I was already scared of seeing someone knew, and it felt like he wasn't listening and all that. It already took going to hospital to find a psychiatrist, and I don't want to start over again.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest_1643 — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 01:45:01 GMT

Hey...Ur not messing it up imo.

Something isn't working...blaming urself might mean honestly that u need to love urself and practise self care. I see no fault of Ur own. U can't mess up therapy. It's their job to make unfeel safe and OK. Some of them don't do this,

Re dependence...ppl talk about attachment styles, and some therapist could help with this. But imo they should understand why we get needy or dependent. It's part of the process, especially if we've had a Trauma background, don't be too hard on urself x

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest927 — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 02:30:24 GMT

that's what i thought..i thought therapists were meant too help me feel better. overall, I felt worse after every session for a whole year. and that's when i started thinking it was my fault. because she says she's got plenty of clients, and i can't imagine every one of them would stay, so it must just be me.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest927 — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 02:54:36 GMT

update. i tried to talk to her on the phone. i tried to tell her that everything that was suggested to me outside of medicine didn't help. that i always feel suicidal. but she just said that all i can do was do those things. she makes me feel suicidal but any thought of wanting to leave her makes me hate myself too. i want to kill myself but i can't. i just want to leave. i hate this its all just a cycle. im hurtingso bad and i still blame it on me

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest_1643 — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 03:34:02 GMT

Hi phoenix.

It's good to be very very selective about ur therapist. And if she makes unfeel bad repeatedly after sessions, she's doing something wrong.

A lot of or even most of ppl seeking therapy have, in their past, been traumatised, neglected, harmed or abused, or had bad family experiences growing up. A therapist needs to be able tomwork with vulnerable ppl to do her job.

Also making u feel bad would lead u to become more dependent on her. It's not ur fault.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Sophie_M — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 03:48:52 GMT

Hey Phoenix,

It sounds like an incredibly difficult time. We can hear you’re going through a lot, and have been feeling suicidal. We’re really glad you could share here, it’s a really brave step to have taken.

We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline (13 11 14) and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Thanks again for sharing your brave and honest words with this amazing community, Phoenix. They’re a really lovely bunch, and we hope the support many have shared above is a comfort to you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest927 — Tue, 28 Dec 2021 13:03:04 GMT

I know it's not a matter of right and wrong. But does it feel odd to you that when I expressed an anxiety psych said something along the lines of "that's what you've made up in your head"..like I know it's my anxiety, and I was really distressed at the fact that despite all of her reassurance it kept coming back. In hindsight, it really really contributes to my feelings of just being incomprehensible and crazy and rude to others. I realise that it made me feel like I was just...being wrong, invalid...and I thought they were all about addressing feelings and trying to work out why And..I don't know why I'm writing this. Whenever I start to write a post about her, it's like I realise how stupid and sensitive I must sound. Like a little snowflake. I can just imagine what she'd say. How she was trying to get off the phone cause I was getting distressed like I always do, even though I wanted to talk. And she was just getting annoyed...

I Don't know what I expect. It's no wonder I don't trust my own judgement or emotions and barely even know who I am emotionally and mentally. Cause every time I open my mouth...it's the wrong interpretation, just something I made up while being anxious (without any goddamn psyical symptoms), I'm not seeing it right, I'm not seeing their side.

I'm sorry for this stupid post. It's not like anything you guys say will make me feel any better. I accept that no matter what, this feeling will prevail and pervade every tiny part of me until I'm nothing.

I can't believe I thought this whole decade thing would be better.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest_1643 — Wed, 29 Dec 2021 03:34:52 GMT

Hi phoenix

Im a little worried reading Ur post,

I can't emphasise enough how u don't sound childish or silly or anything

Yes her saying that is invalidating

Words like that, it's all in Ur head, even said by someone with many degrees etc, are not helpful.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest927 — Wed, 29 Dec 2021 07:00:49 GMT

im worried too

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest_1643 — Wed, 29 Dec 2021 07:18:31 GMT

Hi p, some therapists are abusive.

Please believe in Ur own experience, u sound logical sensible and a bit traumatised by Ur therapist.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest_1643 — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 12:14:54 GMT

Hi phoenix, I had an abusive therapist.

It took everything from me, it's on them to be good at urself and manage these feelings u have and the transference.

If u feel unsafe, please know ppl will listen and believe u.

U can terminate therapy ar any time, without an explanation, and can also continue seeing this therapist while seeking a second opinion.

Therapists can be bullies, too

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Sophie_M — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 12:22:16 GMT

Hey Phoenix6,
Thanks for reaching out tonight,
We're so sorry to hear how defeated you feel. Please know that your suffering is real and valid. We can hear from your words just how sad and in pain you feel. We have sent a message to you privately and would love to hear back from you there.

Is there anything that might make you feel a little better tonight? There are a number of stress-reducing stratgies on our website that might be of benefit to you: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/reducing-stress.

If you feel up to it, we’d encourage you to reach out to our Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest927 — Sun, 02 Jan 2022 02:34:13 GMT

Yeah that's why Im stuck. I say all these things and I ✨still can't manage to even think about leaving✨. anxiety and attachment tings

Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?

Guest_1643 — Sun, 02 Jan 2022 04:08:40 GMT

Hi Phoneix, could u try q brea from therapy to reaches.

Or if u can't leave because of attach,ent, I would encourage u, finances permitting, to seek a second opinion

I called the psych triage when i was at my with end and unwell, and my therapist was doing nothing and gaslihhting me.

They helped me , recommended alternatives, and Gave me strength to leave.

If Ur not reayd to leave, maybe u can just gently open the door to speaking to another professional, whoever u can access or who sounds good.

It's OK to get a second opinion.