topic Sick and tired of being sick in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Mon, 22 Jun 2020 14:32:18 GMT

Hello. I'm battling multiple auto immune diseases along with chronic pain. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired; physically, mentally, emotionally and financially etc. I've got no partner, kids or family around. And very few real friends that actually bother to check in on me. My shrink retired earlier in the year. I'm on medication but lately my health has once again deteriorated. Including over $2500 worth of urgent dental work with more needed afterwards.

I can't take much more of this. I spoke with a close friend the other day; who I haven't seen for 8 months and although he was kind enough to let me pour my heart out. He couldn't help me. And has other priorities. I feel as though everyone thinks I'm ok.. because I've been through so much that I'll get through this.

I just want it to end. I'm tired of struggling. Every. Single. Day.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

Sick and tired of being sick

Sophie_M — Mon, 22 Jun 2020 14:38:50 GMT

Hey Bbydoll, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. We're so sorry to hear about what's been going on with you lately. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of difficulties and we know this must be so hard on you. We can hear how overwhelmed you're feeling, but please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to support you through this difficult time.

If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 02:14:13 GMT

So typical that no one else is commonly commenting on here. It's like I don't exist.

Sick and tired of being sick

TheBigBlue — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 03:25:46 GMT

Hi Bbydoll,

Firstly I just wanted to mention that posts doen't always appear straight away here and can potentially take up to 12hrs so unfortunately there will always be a delay in getting replies. While discussion of moderation decisions on the forums is against the community rules, you can familiarise yourself with the moderation process here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/welcome-and-orientation/how-are-my-posts-moderated-on-this-forum-#qsCSLXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

When I first started posting here I felt completely abandoned too when there were no replies.

However I actually wanted to respond to your post about autoimmune diseases. I have 2 of these. One is managed with a tablet & I don’t get too many side effects from the condition apart from fatigue. But my other condition is type 1 diabetes & that is just relentless with the management. I do finger prick blood tests about 10 times a day, I’m constantly assessing what to eat & calculating the carbs of everything that goes in my mouth so I dose the insulin correctly. If I want to exercise I need to adjust insulin dosages or foods eaten, if I’m not hungry, I make more adjustments.. I’ve had this disease for 35 years & every day is the same micro management of my life. There are no breaks for it, ever.

So I can 100% understand how overwhelming it is. The mental strain, emotional toll, distress, burn out & the dream to just give it all up for one day of freedom ie not managing a life threatening disease.

Im sorry our friends can’t relate. I’ve discovered unless you find someone with the same condition, no one really understands at all.

I’m currently seeing a psychologist who specialises in diabetes & chronic illness & this has really made a difference support wise for me. It could be something you may want to consider?

Otherwise you can look for support groups online, or maybe there’s a social group for people with the same condition as you, either meeting in person or just a Facebook group.

Otherwise, just post here. I’m not online every day, but I pass through once a week & will always be happy to respond when I am around.

Take care of yourself, & don’t be too critical of yourself. We can’t be perfect all the time. So it’s ok to need time out, or relax your care regime if possible for a few hours or days.

I just want you to know that we are out here & we do hear you. I would love to hear back from you if you feel up to it

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 07:29:53 GMT

Thank you for replying. I'm on several different support groups on Facebook but no one can relate because of my complex medical problems. Every time I try and move forward with my life; my body prevents it from happening. There's always something that is going on. The older I get the more they find issues with. I'm at breaking point.

Sick and tired of being sick

Sophie_M — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 07:52:35 GMT

Hi Bbydoll,

We're sorry to hear that you're feeling you're at breaking point at the moment. We understand that it might feel quite hard for others to relate to you since you have complex medical problems and this must be very difficult to cope with. We think you are so strong and we are so grateful that you are still reaching out.

Firstly, the BigBlue is correct. Most posts get answered by the community within 24 hours, but sometimes they slip the net. Please try not to take this personally, the forums can be a very busy space. Some days are slower than others, and some topics hit home with people more than others. The amount of replies received will always vary from day to day. Our community also operates on the principle of 'give support to receive support' - you are more likely to receive replies if you get involved with the community and respond and talk to members on existing threads.

Secondly, it might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area. It sounds like you are trying to do this in the Facebook groups and we would strongly encourage you to keep trying. You can also find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, we would encourage you to take a look at the following page - "Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal

And remember that there are crisis supports available to you:

Lifeline – 13 11 14 and https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-midnight (Syd time)
Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467

Many in our community have experienced similar feelings and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

Sick and tired of being sick

smallwolf — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 10:26:07 GMT

Hi. In the first months after I started seeing a psychologist I was checking in with my GP to rule out other possibilities. Might be worth mentioning I am nearly 50. Anyways... since then the list of things I deal with are (i) haemochromatosis, (ii) annual tests for prostate cancer, (iii) annual ultrasound (cannot remember what for) and (iv) there was something else but I cannot remember as I write this. In one way or another there are links with anxiety and depression. I am not mentioning this as a means of comparing what you have to me or vice versa. I guess the way I looked at it was that as each issue was addressed, it was something that could be crossed off the list in relation to depression and anxiety.

I am aware from my own experience at that time it was a case "what else?!?" despite what I would say to others as crossing things off the list.

Let change the topic a little.... what have you been up to recently?

Tim

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 10:57:27 GMT

Hi Tim. Thanks for your reply. I totally get the "what's next". As that's kinda what is happening with me! I do post updates on my Facebook page with my health as I have online friends overseas that worry about what's happening if I'm not online. They don't say much because what can they after the latest diagnosis or trip to hospital for medical problems etc.

I have been trying to organize my apartment as I have surgery coming up. And as I'll be facing this on my own (again), I need to be prepared as possible. I've had multiple surgeries since my mid 20s and I'm almost mid 40s and so it goes on. I've always been told that I'm too young to get services in place after surgery - which is an absolute joke. These surgeries are necessary to keep me alive. And the extra cleaning has worsened my fatigue. So I'm sleeping alot more.

I did reconnect with one of my closest friends earlier in the week. But his wife doesn't like me very much because they both know that I have feelings for him. So I can't see him very often.

I don't get close to people because they either leave me or they hurt me. Last week I was doing some grocery shopping and 2 of my neighbours were out as well and they offered me a lift home, which I accepted and they chose that moment to ridicule me about the fact that I've gained weight.

Sick and tired of being sick

Sophie_M — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 15:56:28 GMT

Dear Bbydoll,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 00:00:46 GMT

I'm planning on canceling my GP appointment today. I barely got any sleep due to my stress levels towards lack of funds. And my overall mental health state. It was to get a referral to see a dietitian to see whether or not I need to any supliments to get better nutrition.

But if I could make my money go further... I could afford to live off something other than 2 minute noodles. The local food banks - are all drive through only and I don't have a car or license.

I can't work because of my crap health. I've had almost no employment or enough training to get a job; even if I applied for one. It's a never ending route of how pathetic my life is and that it's going nowhere fast. I've lost all motivation to do anything remotely beneficial for myself.

Sick and tired of being sick

grandmababa — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 09:50:27 GMT

Hi Bbydoll.

Same. Totally relate to your story. I'm sick of being sick. Live alone. I don't tell ANYONE how sick I am, don't want anyone worrying bout me. They have their own stuffand lives to lead.

My quality of life is so poor that I can't do anything. I literally spend 22-23 hours in bed. Every day!! That is NOT a life worth living.

I only go out for food shopping once a week. Not contemplating suicide, but am SO depressed. Don't know what to do. Am too ashamed and scared to phone any helpline.

Not coping at all. Hoping tomorrow will be better than past few weeks

Sick and tired of being sick

Sophie_M — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 10:12:46 GMT

Hi grandmababa,

Wishing you a warm welcome to the forums. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and we are so glad that you have reached out here tonight on Bbydoll's thread. It sounds like it must be so tough feeling lonely, but we hope being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone.

We'd also really encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. You are also always welcome to get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) to talk through these feelings.

We know that it can feel a bit frightening to reach out, but please know that these supports are here for people just like you who are wanting some extra support. You don't have to go through this on your own, help is always here for you.

Sick and tired of being sick

TheBigBlue — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 10:32:52 GMT

Just wanted to drop by & see how you are going Bbydoll?

I see things have been pretty tough for you right now but I hope your standing tall & still fighting.

welcome also to grandmababa. I just wanted to say if your not comfortable th calling someone for support, have you tried the online chat services? Beyond Blue have one, as does Lifeline & Suicide Call Back Centre. Lifeline even have a text message service but it only operates of an evening until midnight.

i too was very fearful of reaching out the first time, but the few times I have actually called up in my moments of despair I have found it helpful.

while they don’t always have a solution to the problems, they can recommend other services you can try. But sometimes it’s just as simple as having someone to talk with to that helps the most.

Hope things improve for the both of you

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 11:21:46 GMT

Thanks for checking in TheBigBlue, I really appreciate it. I'm up and down emotionally at the moment and no one else is any wiser. I was chatting with a friend who also suffers from depression but she just dominates the conversation and I wind up giving her advice on things she's already following through on.

I've used the lifeline chat/text and it was good. Unfortunately my phone is currently freezing - so am limiting my usage in the hopes it will fix itself.

I know that I should be happy that I have a relative who has offered to pay about half of the $2500 on my teeth... but I still see the struggles with getting the rest of the money together. And moving forward with my life; when I'm feeling so terribly stuck.

Grandmababa, I am so sorry that you're struggling so much. It's hard when those around you have no idea how difficult things are. I understand how frustrating it is. Have you tried journaling how you're feeling? You can also get some counseling through a mental health plan with your GP. For free under medicare - they might even be able to do it online; so you don't have to leave home.

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Sun, 28 Jun 2020 15:25:48 GMT

Feeling ill. I went back to binge eating; which I haven't done in a long time. Frustrated with life. Hating myself. Hating life. I wish I believed that life was going to get better. But honestly I don't.

Sick and tired of being sick

Sophie_M — Sun, 28 Jun 2020 18:16:02 GMT

Hi Bbydoll,

Thank you for being part of our forums, sorry to hear you are going through a tough time right now. It takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. Just a reminder if you ever want further support you can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Mon, 29 Jun 2020 11:26:37 GMT

I spent all day sleeping. Finally getting to sleep after 7am. Once again feeling pretty miserable with the state of my life. Over eating tonight and not helping that I'm constantly so cold. Will probably go to to bed. Because there's no point to anything right now.

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Tue, 30 Jun 2020 06:38:09 GMT

Last night I got to bed about 1am. Slept through until about 330pm. Have stuffed myself. Will be going back to bed. Because what's the point in anything.

Sick and tired of being sick

TheBigBlue — Tue, 30 Jun 2020 07:49:50 GMT

Hey Bbydoll,

im sorry things have been so awful for you.

But don’t feel guilty about needing to sleep, or not wanting to do anything but sleep. You just do what you need to do to get through the hard times. But it won’t always be this way even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

stuff everything else, just do something nice for yourself. Whether that be a bath, buying a coffee, watching a favourite movie or show. Just spend a little time on yourself.

hugs

Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll — Tue, 30 Jun 2020 08:33:02 GMT

Thanks Big Blue I appreciate the sentiments, I really do! I can't afford any special extras in my life right now. Because money is so tight. The only bad side about sleeping is that I'm putting on more weight and not getting anything done. As mentioned before I have no extra support or partner/kids/ family around. I also don't speak to most of my family because I had a fall out with most of them a couple of years ago. I'm losing the will to do anything right now. It seems just pointless when I'm constantly struggling and not achieving anything.