topic Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Mon, 21 Feb 2022 14:03:42 GMT

Hello everyone.

I survived attempts. I’ve done recovery programs… I still struggle with the fact that the thoughts stay, sometimes less often, sometimes closer to crisis point. The worst is how I feel about myself, my failed attempts and I don’t see the world, I can’t feel it, I just can’t feel when I get unwell. I try to push the thoughts away and tell myself it’s just thoughts, but I’ve tried that before and ended in icu.

How will this continue? Will it always be that dance? Do people get better after a lifetime of suicidal thoughts? I hate when my life is about staying alive. Surely that’s not enough reason?

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

geoff — Mon, 21 Feb 2022 15:58:07 GMT

Hello Inni, it's devastating you are feeling this way and hope we can be of some help to you.

When you are feeling this way, you don't care what's happening in the rest of the world, all your attention is on yourself and how sad you feel and why these thoughts keep hampering your ability to get better and it's so sad to know you are feeling this way.

People are able to recover when put in this particular type of situation, and I say this because I was once in exactly the same position a long time ago and now living a practical life, but understand that's where we have to try and help you get there.

You are right they are just thoughts but because of the situation you're in remain with you and firstly hope that you know of all the phone numbers to ring and hope someone will supply them for you, however, Lifeline is 13 11 14 and suicide watch is 1300 659 467.

Sometimes if you are able to remove yourself to another location these thoughts may subside but if you are able to get back to us, then we will do our utmost to steer you in another direction.

Please have some trust with us because all we want to do is help you.

My best.

Geoff.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

therising — Mon, 21 Feb 2022 19:12:44 GMT

The warmest of welcomes to you inni

My heart goes out to you so much as you work through the mental torture and exhaustion that can come with depression, especially the deepest of depressions.

I think basic thoughts can be easy to manage yet the thoughts that trigger feelings are an entirely different story. It's one thing to objectively analyse our thoughts, it's another to feel them so deeply.

If someone had have said to me years ago 'You have 1000 triggers in life, you're job is to work out every single one of them', my response would have been 'I don't know if I'm up for such hard work'. I've found, over the years, this is how it's come to feel, like my goal is to work out all my triggers, making complete sense of them. It's like some massive monumental quest for self understanding. Like with any significant quest, there are a lot of questions. I think the #1 question when it comes to self understanding tends to be 'What's wrong with me?'.

The 'What's wrong with me question?' took a sudden turn for me one day when the answer suddenly came to mind. What was 'wrong' with me was - I didn't recognise I'm a sensitive person, who's able to sense easily. A sensitive person will sense or feel so much. You could say a sensitive person is designed to feel triggers. Would you say you're a sensitive person who feels a heck of a lot and is fairly easily triggered? If so, I imagine you'd be able to relate to some of the following triggers

Feeling yourself in the presence of a depressing or angering person or situation. Feeling depressing or angering words or statements aimed at you

Feeling a lack of inspiration. Talking about the kind of inspiration you can truly feel run through you
Feeling a lack of understanding from people or a lack of a desire to understand what you're going through and how deeply you're feeling what you're going through
Feeling a lack of an obvious way forward
Feeling certain chemical shifts. As a 51yo female, while I can't feel the chemical shifts (at this time of life), I can feel the effects of the chemical/hormonal shifts
Feeling the severity/intensity of your thoughts
Feeling pure physical and mental exhaustion
Feeling what you imagine, what you see in your mind. The imagination can be highly triggering at times

I won't go on. As I say there can be a thousand or more triggers to be felt in life.

For me, during my years in depression, my biggest trigger of all was feeling no one leading me out of it - an incredibly depressing feeling.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Mon, 21 Feb 2022 22:18:42 GMT

Hello Geoff,

Thank you for your reply. I don’t know if I am depressed at the moment. I find it hard to know. For me my head is going to fast. I honestly don’t know. When I read your post I remembered that the why doesn’t matter because during my last admission I worked out in hospital that lifestyle strategies work for all my different episodes, or at least help. My strategies have been eroding. There are constant triggers from PTSD and then strategies fall away. But I can do some. They’re all important but too much at the moment, I’ll decide on one. Life is constantly changing. Life gets too complicated for me and then it feels like my brain just does it’s own thing.

what Do you mean when you say ‘you’re living a practical life’? What does that look like?

I feel tired from writing, sorry. Thinking gets a bit slow and hard when I feel like this.

Take care

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

jaco123456789 — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 08:46:51 GMT

Hi Inni,

I am sorry to hear that your are feeling this way. I encourage you to contact a GP or suicide prevention line such as beyond blue.

I once was a suicidal person. I remember waking up in the warden of the ICU and having to deal with my reality. I felt suicide was a way of telling myself that I needed to help myself. It is now 5 years down the track, completed a bachelor in psychology and know aim to volunteer in mental health. My ideal goal is help people like you and I which is slowly getting there. The point is the reality I need to find out about myself was that I need something to work for. Is there something lacking in your life? I ask this as I found finding goal really helps keep the dark thoughts away. Is there someone in your life that cares about you? For me it was parents and family. For you it could someone else.

Let me know your thoughts.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 09:38:40 GMT

Hi Jaco

thank you for your reply and for sharing your story. It’s amazing that you were able to study psychology and can now help.

When I lost my job a few years ago due to my mental health I still had goals, lofty ones at first but I kept failing, so I lowered the bar and still failed. I lost confidence. I still haven’t got the concentration for a one pager and I feel I don’t have the competency or reliability to commit to a couple of hours a week. I hope that will come back one day, I’m working on the confidence part. I have ideas. I have a friend in Europe and I talk to her about them, but then I either get paranoid or unwell.

I read this the other day: ‘Unpopular opinion: I don't think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; I think it's okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die’.

I started painting when I lost my job. Not like a painter, it’s more therapeutic as I do paint more than I talk. I’ve always been a visual person.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 09:48:25 GMT

Hi Jaco

I’d love to show people how important art therapy can be in life but my paintings are very personal and I don’t like to share them with anyone.

It feels so impossible to stay alive sometimes. I thought I had my ‘aha moment’ the last time in icu but that feels far away now. I have people I care about, but when I feel to difficult to deal with myself I definitely don’t want others to put up with me. I know the ‘better off with you’ and other campaigns but I just don’t feel that way. I feel like a burden to everyone including the health system. A waste of space. I know I have to stay safe for others, but I do sometimes wish that I didn’t wake up or that I was never born in the first place. I’m safe tonight, I’m just trying to explain how I feel.

Did you struggle with your concentration? How did you get better?

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 09:56:28 GMT

Hello therising

Thank you for your message. I have read it but I will need some time to understand and process all of it.

My friend from my childhood told me before that I might be highly sensitive and I am but I think that’s from being on the spectrum. I think the strategies are similar though. Often I forget, putting earplugs in is just something I forget but I do try to avoid crowds (10+ is a crowd for me). I had a social worker once that helped me write down what ‘special needs I have’, I still feel defective but it has helped in the past. Now I’m in a new environment and I don’t like to tell people, I look fine from the outside.

I’ll try to read the rest of your post tomorrow.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

Learn to Fly — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 10:30:06 GMT

Hi inni,

Thank you for joining our community and sharing. I really appreciate your willingness to talk to us.

I love the responses from others here. There is so much gentle encouragement and hope. So much, but not too much, so you wouldn't feel overwhelmed. I hope you feel heard and understood as we are definitely listening to you. Every single word that you write to us, as tiring as the process of writing is for you, we read it and listen to your voice.

I read through all of the posts and what I have noticed is that with each of your responses you provide a new opening to your past and things that saved you. Because you enjoyed doing them. Because somehow you dug up the remaining strength to do them. Because they are part of who you are. Or maybe there was no "because" and you just did it.

I hope you don't mind but I copied some of your sayings that I found powerful, hopeful, giving reasons to hang on to, even if it is only a thin thread. Take some time to read them and maybe your own positive words (in my humble opinion) will encourage you to reflect on things that would otherwise be obscured.

... "then strategies fall away. But I can do some. They’re all important but too much at the moment, I’ll decide on one"

... "I’m working on the confidence part. I have ideas. I have a friend in Europe and I talk to her about them"

... "I read this the other day: ‘Unpopular opinion: I don't think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; I think it's okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die’.

... I started painting when I lost my job. Not like a painter, it’s more therapeutic as I do paint more than I talk. I’ve always been a visual person."

..."I’d love to show people how important art therapy can be in life but my paintings are very personal and I don’t like to share them with anyone."

..."I have people I care about"

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

Sophie_M — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 11:17:14 GMT

Hi inni,

Thank you for letting us know that you are safe tonight. We are sorry to hear that you feel like a burden and a waste of space, we want to remind you that all life is important, including yours. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

geoff — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 20:04:28 GMT

Hello Inni, I understand what you've said and for me, 4 or 5 people is a crowd, people trying to talk with you while you are discussing another situation with someone else and then interrupting.

When I was suffering I would also paint the windows of the house, they were cedar frames and didn't need another coat, but I found it relaxing or I'd draw cartoon figures, mostly Waltz Disney characters.

Living a practical life now has certainly changed from a long ago because back then I'd be able to do physical jobs either at home or with work, now I need a walker to get around and am unable to do any of these jobs anymore, but feel content in what I do, able to confront situations that I don't agree with no trouble, like when you're depressed you run from making any decisions because you don't have the strength and a simple example is opening the blinds plus I haven't had a drink for well over two years because I don't need it to numb my life and all the problems I was struggling with.

We talk with counsellors, doctors and/or social workers who are trained in this field, but each person suffering has their own story that may differ from what the book says, so it's up to these people to slowly pick away at what we say and try to find that little secret that differs from the book.

My Best.

Geoff.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Wed, 23 Feb 2022 10:07:59 GMT

Hello Learn to Fly

thank you so so much for taking the time to read my posts and to create a post with my own positive messages 🙂 that means a lot and I’ve taken a screenshot to remind myself!

I’m tired again but I just wanted to tell you that I saw your message yesterday and really liked it 🙂 Thank you!

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

Learn to Fly — Wed, 23 Feb 2022 10:13:55 GMT

Hi inni,

You are very welcome and I am so glad to hear you liked it! This means a lot to me and you’ve just brought up a big smile on my face 🙂 Thank you for that as this smile was so uplifting.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Wed, 23 Feb 2022 10:24:27 GMT

Hi Sophie

thank you for your message, I contacted SCBS and the next day my psych. There are some adjustments to make. I’m glad that SCBS was able to listen and talk me through it. I don’t want to go back into hospital.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

therising — Wed, 23 Feb 2022 19:25:32 GMT

Hi inni

Being on the spectrum comes with a lot of abilites and a lot of challenges. I think the challenges can come down to things like finding what works, what doesn't, what the triggers are (to both stress and joy), who is triggering, what your abilities actually are and what balance looks and feels like.

The balance factor for someone who's highly sensitive can resemble a 'Goldilocks' scenario. Is something too hot, too cold or just right? I think balance is something a sensitive person typically gets a feel for. I suppose balance is found within the extremes

From too loud to too quiet
From too imaginative to too not imaginative enough
From too thoughtful to too thoughtless
From too focused to too unfocused
From too energetic through to not energetic enough, to be able to feel excitement
From too feeling to too unfeeling

The list goes on.

To be able to get a feel for where we're at any given time can take practice when it comes to us truly knowing and understanding our self.

I think the word 'too' can be helpful in finding balance. For example, what does too bright and too loud conjure up in your mind? Personally, I think of shopping centres. Incredibly bright shopping centres are not well designed for people who are sensitive to light and sound. They're highly triggering, triggering the nervous system. If you were to explore light and sound from the perspective of physics, physics dictates light and sound are forms of energy. So you could say shopping centres hold too much energy and you can feel overwhelmed by such high energy environments, to the point where they put you into a state of hyperactivity, too much activity/internal energy.

Some people on the spectrum have the ability to feel whether there's too much energy or stimuli. That's quite an ability. They can feel what a lot of energy feels like, feel what depressing feels like, what stress feels like, imbalance feels like and so on. They can feel highly triggering people and situations. Others can be insensitive or detensitised to a lot of these things.

I once knew a guy on the extreme end of the spectrum. He spent most of his time sitting and rocking and chanting 'Omm'. I look back now and not only realise he was a 'self soother' based on the noise around him but I also realised people actually pay to see someone like him, to help them. They pay to learn how to meditate their way out of stress. They'll be taught to sit, gently rock and chant 'Omm', while achieving a state of inner peace.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Thu, 24 Feb 2022 04:23:08 GMT

Hello therising

thank you for sharing and giving me ideas.

The question of what is too… for me depends on so much. How my day is, my mental and physical health at the moment, if there are other issues, … and also how exposed I am. Being less stimulated during covid helped me manage better but not leaving my comfort zone also makes me vulnerable to be overwhelmed quickly. On one side I like being on my own (very much) and being able to manage stimuli in my own surroundings, but it also makes me lonely and helpless when I cannot avoid going out, being with other people… it’s easier when I know someone around me. I make a real effort to say hello and do the usual small talk (something I don’t like but I know what to say and how to look) because I can deal better with the challenges of going to the grocery shop or post office when there’s someone I have seen and interacted with before. It’s when the sensory overload sneaks in, drop by drop, and I’m not prepared that I can get overwhelmed to a point where I don’t function at all. Remembering how to cope is impossible at that point. I think my brain shuts down then and it goes on a continuous downward journey. But it’s a chicken and egg question. Is my mental health going down first or the sensory overload or…

i like your story about the meditating guy. I think nowadays every single person is overwhelmed in our society and covid has made that worse. I feel really sorry for them. I like hearing that the meditating guy found a way for himself to cope. Wearing a mask helped me with one of my coping strategies, I mumble and hum tunes, count … and it was nice to do it without anyone thinking I’m stupid.

im very sensitive to the energy around me. I can feel when strangers around me are stressed or angry etc and it impacts me a lot. Another reason why I like being alone 🙂 it is rare if not impossible to find even a little grocery shop where there is no negative energy. Everyone is so stressed nowadays.

have a lovely weekend.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

therising — Thu, 24 Feb 2022 17:11:10 GMT

Hi inni

Sounds like you're coming to understand yourself pretty well. Wonder if you can relate to the following realisation: Just when I think I've got myself all worked out, something new or old (which I haven't manged to deal with) comes along just to prove I haven't entirely worked myself out. So frustrating at times. I've reached the conclusion that it can take a lifetime to work our self out. While the challenges aren't necessarily things we look forward to, the revelations are something to look forward to, as they present relief and greater self understanding.

Do you find internal dialogue to be a significant factor in any challenge? I wish the internal dialogue factor was something that was discussed more when we were young, either at school or at home or both. Perhaps we could be conditioned to only deal with constructive internal dialogue. For example 'What's wrong with me?' could be replaced with 'What am I experiencing in this moment?'. 'You're absolutely hopeless' could be replaced with 'This is what no hope feels like. This is the feeling that's telling me it's time to seek hope/hopeful inspiring people'. As Mum to a 19yo gal and 16yo guy and as someone who's experienced depression in the past, I try and raise my kids to be as conscious as they possibly can be. I should add, they raise me in the same way, to be more conscious. All 3 of us agree, developing self awareness is seriously hard work at times. One of the areas we tend to work hardest on is 'feeling'. 'What am I feeling?' is such a constructive phrase, in my opinion. So, one could say 'Am I feeling my thoughts, my internal dialogue or imagery that comes to mind, or am I feeling external stimuli or am I feeling these things at the same time?'.

Wondering if you can relate to being able to feel a room, when the room becomes too much. It's like you can go out to a restaurant for lunch and all is well until suddenly you feel 'overwhelm'. What happened? How did this suddenly come about? Then you realise - When I got here I was 1 of about 10 people in the place. Now I'm 1 of about 50. I can feel the intensity of the room. While I didn't feel the intensity growing, I can certainly feel it now, through the noise. I suppose you could say, while you can't feel your tolerance levels, you can definitely and quite suddenly feel intolerance. Can be a fine line between the 2 at times.

I think some people are born sensitive (easily able to sense) whereas other develop this ability over time.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Fri, 25 Feb 2022 11:42:49 GMT

Hi therising

all I can feel is ‘war’. I’m grateful that I am safe but I can feel ‘war’. I feel for the people, I feel for them so much. I’ve been there. I feel war. I don’t want to know what I feel. It’s walking into a quiet room and seeing destruction and corpses. I try to ignore it, but it’s the hard truth. I try to find that it’s a media hype, but it’s not.‘I’m even scared saying that here. I’m scared.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

therising — Fri, 25 Feb 2022 12:39:43 GMT

Hi inni

Feel free to express exactly how you feel, whenever you feel that deep need to. Be fearless with your expression inni. There can be so many feelings associated with war/conflict and so many varying levels of feeling and so many triggers on top of it all, imagery and such. That's a lot to be keeping inside, keeping to yourself, trying to work out on your own.

Do you know anyone who can relate to how you feel, can relate to how you feel war? Maybe someone who's experienced this themself. To find someone who can say 'I feel it too. I know how feels and how hard it is to manage. I can relate to the struggle' can be a relief at times. People who can relate can encourage honesty and openness. I think sometimes we can be so desperate to be open and honest, while part of us suppresses that in an effort to 'not upset anyone too much'. I think, sometimes, it's so important to share our upset, even if it's just to vent it.

Come back here anytime you want to express your self inni.

Suicidal thoughts getting stronger again

inni — Fri, 25 Feb 2022 13:47:58 GMT

Hi therising

thank you for your reply. It helps to know that people care. I don’t feel safe enough to say how I feel online. I wouldn’t talk to people who understand because they have similar experiences because we all have different stories and triggers and I don’t want to trigger anyone. I’ve talked to a helpline. I’ll be ok. I just feel unwell. It’ll be a better day tomorrow.

Thank you for writing back and I’ll try to be in touch tomorrow. Take care.