topic I'm tired in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

I'm tired

OceanWhispers — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 04:14:04 GMT

It's been awhile since I last posted here. A long time of trying to get
better and so far not having any luck. To add to the depression, dark thoughts
and suicide thoughts every single day, I now have side effects
from the different medications to deal with. I'm tired. I'm emotionally, physically
mentally tired and I don't think I can do this much longer.
I feel I've ruined my whole life and I don't know if it's worth trying anymore.

I'm tired

Sophie_M — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 04:33:18 GMT

Hi OceanWhispers,

Thank you for your bravery and honesty in sharing this with us today. We're so sorry to hear that things are not feeling any better and that you're struggling with side effects of medications on top of experiencing dark thoughts. We understand that things must be really diffciutl to cope with right now, but please know that our wonderful community is here to support you through this. Our support service is also currently reaching out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

I'm tired

OceanWhispers — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 03:25:43 GMT

Thanks Sophie but it seems I am pretty much alone.

I'm tired

NiceGuy1 — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 09:42:56 GMT

Hi there Ocean Whispers,

Appoligies for the delay in the reply from your first post. Please understand that you are not along and we are here for you.

Thanks for coming forward and sharing what you are going through. Sorry to hear that you have been here before.

In the past, what has helped you cope with these feelings?

I'm tired

OceanWhispers — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 11:31:47 GMT

Hi,
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
In the past I just try hold on to thinking about my kids. Sometimes I self harm, sometimes I message a friend. I really only have 2 I can talk to. Sometimes I think as much as I need to be alone that it's a good thing my husband is at work and I have the kids otherwise I would get in my car, go for a drive and then who knows what. I have a place in mind to go to when like this but have never made it yet.
Monday afternoon was extremely bad. I spent the afternoon trying to plan how I could kill myself without hurting those around me too much.
Anyway I have rambled on too much.
I hope you are well x

I'm tired

Sophie_M — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 12:11:37 GMT

Hi OceanWhispers,

We're so grateful that you're keeping us updated on how you're going, and we're so sorry to hear how much pain you've been in. It sounds like these thoughts and feelings are so overwhelming, and were especially difficult for you on Monday afternoon. We are currently getting in touch with you through email to check in with you and offer some extra support tonight as we are still worried for you.

Please remember that the crisis supports we mentioned previously are available to you 24/7, and that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).

We think you are so strong to reach out here and open up about these thoughts and feelings, and please remember that we're all here to help you through this. We hope you feel free to keep reaching out here to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

I'm tired

therising — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 21:03:38 GMT

Hi OceanWhispers

Glad you came here. You definitely need support from those who can relate to the torturous challenges depression can bring. Those who have not experienced depression for themselves would find it difficult or even impossible to understand just how bad things can get.

Sounds like you might need to get your meds reassessed. If they're making life unbearable, it's up to those who prescribed them to help take further responsibility. Any meds that drain the life/energy out of us are questionable.

During my years in depression, I began with so much hope, hoping things would get better. As time went on, things seemed to become more hopeless. When it comes to the different roles others played in my life during these 15 or so years, I now have a sense of clarity that tends to have me raising an eyebrow in regard to the mismanagement of my mental health. Just a few examples:

To those who led me through a long trial and error process of antidepressants, 'What the heck were you thinking?! Do you know how seriously depressing such a process can be?' You hope the next one will work, then hope is dashed and this is repeated over and over again. You lose hope with each failed one. How are the ADs not working managed? If I had my time again, I'd say to these professionals 'Okay, give me a rundown on how the brain chemistry in depression works and how this particular med is going to alter the chemistry'
To those who poo pooed my interest in finding the natural or spiritual (non religious) side of life, 'Seriously?!!!'. I'm fully invested these days and this is the side of myself that not only helped lead me out of depression but it keeps me out when the challenges of life can feel so overwhelming that I could easily slip back in. What the heck were these people thinking, advising me to stop focusing on all this 'rubbish'? To anyone exploring this aspect, I would say 'Go for it. See if it raises you'. I would never put down a positive idea that holds the power to make a difference
To the hospital psyche who questioned me in a public room as to what led me to not want to stay on this earth any longer, 'Where was the private room, where I could be honest, where I could feel the freedom to cry?'

OceanWhispers, it pays to look to the faults in others, in how they're mismanaging our mental health. It's not a blame game, simply a way of acknowledging that how we feel may not involve any fault of our own. Addressing the faults/flaws in management is key.

🙂

I'm tired

NiceGuy1 — Fri, 26 Jun 2020 12:05:05 GMT

Hi,

We really appreciate you coming back here to shed some light on what you are going through.

I would like to echo therisings comments especially the one about finding the natural and spiritual side of life. When I was at my lowest, I found a deeper meaning of existence through understanding where I have come from and who I become.

Before stepping into the role of parent I never expected to become depressed. There is so much pressure we put on ourselves trying to be the best parents we can be. The build up of of the pressure interferes with the part we play within our family.

I previously kept all my thoughts and fears from my wife until the day I almost lost it all. Your family needs you. They love you unconditionally. They need you to be healthy and living in the moment to enjoy the journey of life together.

I wanted to ask a question if I may please. Does your husband know how you feel and what you are going through?

I hope to hear back from you soon. We are so proud of you for reaching out and feel free anytime to ramble on 🙂

I'm tired

OceanWhispers — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 07:50:48 GMT

Hi The Rising,

At my last appointment with the psychiatrist he did explain how 2 different meds worked in the brain and gave me the choice. Unfortunately they all cause weight gain and he said I'd probably feel even more unmotivated and sluggish than before.

I have never looked into the spiritual side of life but probably should.

And your last point about the hospital psych is what has scared me into getting more help when I've been bad. So many stories that just make me think it's not worth going to hospital. My other concern there is I can be suicidal and ready to do something but an hr or 2 later not that bad. I worry if I go to hospital and then feel better I'd be stuck there.

I'm still having side effects from the medication and now recent blood tests have shown other issues. I don't know what is med side effects and what is my health now. I don't feel as suicidal until when I'm alone at night and then I just can't see a way out of who I am and what I am.

Sorry for rambling x

I'm tired

OceanWhispers — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 07:58:15 GMT

Hi Nice Guy,

My husband and I do not have a good relationship. I say we just exist here. Last appointment the psychiatrist suggested a 2 week 'break' in hospital but I couldn't because he would complain so much about it. He has health issues and generally unless something involves him doesn't show he cares.

X

I'm tired

therising — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 11:00:01 GMT

Hi OceanWhispers

Please feel free to 'ramble'. If you could only hear the somewhat rambling conversations that go on in my head you'd be left thinking 'Wow, this woman is crazy'. But it's what helps me sort things out. A lot of the time we voice our thoughts to naturally make more sense of them.

I can remember once thinking 'What does intuition sound like and how do I recognise whether something is intuition/inspiration or it's my ego chattering away?' I know this is going to sound a little insane and I'll elaborate on the insane part in a minute but when I want to find a solution to a challenge I will ask a question such as 'Why do I feel so hopeless?' What comes to mind may be 'How much hope do you have around you?' Answer might be 'Not much'. Hmm, now I see the problem, I'm losing hope because I'm not surrounded by it. No one is filling me with a lot of hope. The challenge may involve a quest for hope. I may specifically research things that have the potential to fill me with hope. I know, sounds easier said than done. The insane part involves me asking 'Why do I feel so hopeless?' and you'd think the response would be 'How much hope do I have around me' but it's 'How much hope do you have around you?' So, who or what is it that's saying you? As I say, yes, this sounds a little crazy but I've actually asked others if they've experienced the 'you' response and have found many people experience it. It's not unique by any means.

Being a bit of a romantic type when it comes to life, I like to see this response phenomena as inspiration (aka the breath of life). A religious person may say it's God. A Buddhist may say they're channeling The Buddha. A psychologist may say a person is channeling their higher consciousness (that part of the brain that holds answers). Whatever floats our boat.

Personally, I find the best time to channel inspiration is when it's very quiet (late at night or very early in the morning). When I was depressed, I also used to find late night thoughts incredibly challenging and depressing, yet now I find them interesting. I question what comes to mind and seek inspiration to expand on my thoughts. Another example, besides the hopelessness question could be 'Why can't I escape this depression?' A valid question. The answer may simply be 'There's no one significant in your life to raise you out of it'. Further inspiration may happen through the words 'Have faith, they will come'. So, the ultimate challenge becomes...to have faith.

🙂

I'm tired

NiceGuy1 — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 13:06:45 GMT

Hi OceanWhispers,

Thanks for your reply and sharing more insight of what you are going through.

I really feel for you... not having much support doesn't help.

2 weeks in hospital might help give you a break, reset and possibly open up a fresh outlook in life.

I sometimes struggle when I am left alone and the world seams quiet. Similarly to therising, I acknowledge how I am feeling, ask myself why am I feeling like this. Deal with the problem if possible or have a chat to family/friends (or on here 🙂 ).

Another thing I find useful at night is guided meditation (I just use YouTube). It stops my mind from overthinking and allows me to fall asleep very fast.

I admire you for continuing to seek help!

In your reply, you mentioned that you can't see a way out of who you are and what you are. Who do you belive you are and what you think you are?

I'm tired

OceanWhispers — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 10:16:27 GMT

What is it about Monday's and me feeling really bad? I'm so over this. Everyone would do better without me here. Most wouldn't even notice as I'm already invisible to them. I feel more alive in my dreams. Maybe I could dream forever.

I'm tired

Sophie_M — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 10:37:02 GMT

Hi OceanWhispers,

We're sorry to hear that you are feeling so low this Monday. We can hear that you're not feeling valued, but please know that in this community you are valued. We hope that some of the kind words from our community can be of some comfort to you on this difficult day. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support.

Please remember your crisis supports - there is always someone to talk to if you need to. We would also recommend enacting any safety plan you might have - perhaps you could message one of your friends, watch a movie, or look at old photos of your kids.

You might also be interested in some of the Beyond Blue pages:

"Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal
"Staying well" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well

Let us know how you're travelling whenever you feel up to it. We're all here to support you on these tough days.

I'm tired

NiceGuy1 — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 10:20:19 GMT

Sorry that you had a bad Monday. I hate Mondays most weeks. Please know that you are not invisible even though it may feel that way sometimes.

People do love you and care for but don't always show it.

Being a mother you have a valueable role in your kids lives and they need you to be there you them. No one can ever take that place.

I hope you seek professional help to take control of this. Thank you for coming back again to share your thoughts.

I'm tired

therising — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 22:23:37 GMT

Hi OceanWhispers

Wish I was there with you. It's an horrendous experience to be in the very depths of depression, where you feel like you just can't fall much further. I still remember the day where I reached my lowest point, even though this was more than 20 years ago. It felt like the loneliest time in my life, which is why I wish I was there with you in your life.

You ask a good question, 'What is it about Mondays and me feeling really bad?' Monday sounds significant. What do Mondays mean to you? Meaningful questions will pop into your mind for good reason. The 'Monday' question may reveal a lot.

You mention in one of your posts:

At my last appointment with the psychiatrist he did explain how 2 different meds worked in the brain and gave me the choice. Unfortunately they all cause weight gain and he said I'd probably feel even more unmotivated and sluggish than before.

Oh, thanks for that dude! Feel much better now. Really excited about these meds. NOT! How would you have felt if he'd said 'The 2 meds I have to offer cause weight gain, lack of motivation and sluggishness, so I'm not going to push them. Instead, I'll give you another option that's going to change your life for the better'? Imagine going back to him and saying 'Okay, these meds aren't an option for me. You gotta research a little harder than this to find what is going to change my life for the better, not for the worst'. Pretty cheeky, hey?! Pretty bold.

You also mention the challenges of being alone at night and not being able to see a way out of 'who I am and what I am'. Not finding obvious answers can definitely be depressing. To be stuck in the same depression for years can also be depressing. I remember well. One of the things that made a difference to me involved the revelation 'I am not my depression'. Well, if I was not my depression (the chemistry and perception), who was I? 'Who am I?' set me on a mind altering quest.

Answering 'I am...' truthfully, not through false perception, sets you on your own quest.

I am not my depression

I am someone who refuses to settle for depressing medication when there are other options

I am someone who cannot settle for the depressing behaviour of my husband

I am someone who desperately seeks to know who I naturally am

I am someone who refuses to settle for dis-ease in my mind and body
I am someone whose natural upset does not permit them to settle. I am someone who deserves more, better. I am someone who must demand it

Is this the truth?

🙂

I'm tired

OceanWhispers — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 06:45:56 GMT

Hi Nice Guy, I know my kids need me - they are the only reason I'm still here.

I don't feel I can ever be back to how I was. I feel I've wrecked so much and even if I get 'better' I'll still have things like my obese body, knowledge of being a failure of a parent etc.

I am seeing my GP and psychiatrist. I now have other health issues on top of all this and with corona lock downs I feel so hopeless.

I truly feel my kids would be better off with someone else as their Mum. I question myself constantly if living with me as I am now is actually worse for them than the effects of if I was to die.

x

I'm tired

OceanWhispers — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 06:52:09 GMT

Hi The Rising,

I wish you were here too. People always say when I say no one would even notice or care (apart from family and like 2 friends) if I was gone things like "Yes they would" and "It's your depression saying that". I feel like my eyes have been opened to who really are friends and who are not.

You have such a good way with how you word your sentences. I am just so tired. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sick physically as well. I can barely stand long enough to make the kids a quick dinner. The constant tiredness and hopelessness and feelings of being a failure, pathetic, useless person are so strong. I can't see a way out.

I'm tired

Sophie_M — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 07:36:18 GMT

Hey OceanWhispers, it's Sophie here, just wanted to check-in with you. It sounds like you're in a really tough space at the moment and we're so sorry to hear how tired and hopeless you've been feeling. How have your appointments with your psychiatrist and GP been? Do you feel they've been helpful so far?

It's sound like you're doing so much to support your children and we can hear how much you care for them. We understand how overwhelming it would be to look after your children while feeling so low. If you ever need to talk to someone about this or some guidance, we'd recommend speaking to a counsellor at Parents Line. You can talk to them about anything to do with the challenges you’re facing as a parent.

Please also feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Wishing you well, OceanWhispers.

I'm tired

therising — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 12:16:36 GMT

Hi OceanWhispers

When the energy's not there, it's not there. I completely understand.

About a year ago, I felt myself teetering on the brink of going back into a depression. I was sad and I felt hopeless. I was getting no answers as to why I felt so incredibly tired, so drained. I get shots for B12 deficiency. I thought maybe my levels were low. Nup! Iron was fine too. Everything was fine. 'I don't think so!', I thought. My GP was exploring every possibility he could imagine. He's a legend.

One day, I was sitting there thinking 'I can't do depression again. I just can't do it. It took me 15 years to get out of the last one'. Suddenly a question popped into my head, 'Why don't I have any energy?'This time it felt like an inspirational question rather than a statement of defeat. With my question, I set out on my quest to work out what was causing such low levels of energy. I started my list of energy resources: Energy restoration through good quality sleep, healthy energy based foods, solar power (vitamin D), hydropower (plenty of water - filtered), kinetic energy (exercise) and the list went on. I thought 'Be honest now. Are you getting enough of all of those things?' The answer was a flat out 'No!' So, the next part of my quest began. I was going to jam pack myself with energy. I admit, I cheated a bit; I am a serious coffee/caffeine addict 🙂 Things changed big time. Basically, the key was natural energy. It's generally how we tick. Some would say 'It can't be that simple'.

I'm no braniac to tell you the truth when I say I love exploring the world of epigenetics. I get the gist of the basics. It's seriously trippy to think we can actually change our DNA. Mind blowing stuff. One of my favourite all time books when it comes to how we tick is 'Becoming Supernatural' by Dr Joe Dispenza. I love him! He takes mind/body/spirit and transforms it into easy to understand language in the form of neuroscience/epigenetics/quantum physics. If I can understand it, anyone can. I highly recommend it.

If you're wondering about a quest for greater understanding in the way of how you naturally tick, such a quest is like going down a rabbit hole. Whether we're wondering why our metabolism feels like it's all but ground to a halt or why our cells aren't vibrating faster on a subatomic level (aka why we're vibing low or slow) or even why we simply don't have the energy that allows us to naturally feel life, there is much to explore. What exhausts us is also significant.

🙂