topic 'Attention Seeker' in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

'Attention Seeker'

happyteacup05 — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 11:12:00 GMT

Hi, this feels weird.

I wanted to share this somewhere, but figured that sharing it online, on a platform like Instagram where people are less likely to understand, and people know who I am is a bad idea.

This year hasn't been great for me. In fact, this year has been bad, for a number of reasons. In a course of about 9 months I have attempted suicide, self-harmed, had my parents lose all trust in me, went from a friend-group of 14 to 0, been diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety and a mild stress disorder, and have had to leave school due to an extreme amount of bullying.

I really wish I could fit the whole story in, but there's A LOT. Some of this might not make sense due to lack of backstory, but I get the main point across so it's okay.

An 'Attention Seeker' is a name I've become quite used to being called in these last 9 months. My best friend at the time, who I opened up to after my suicide attempt was the person who started this. She could not understand why she wasn't allowed to tell anyone about it, yet I was. The fact that I told my mum to take me to hospital after an overdose of pills because I suddenly regretted what I had done was enough for her to say that it was an attention thing. I had realised after an hour and a half that I didn't want to die. I just wanted to escape the pain. It destroyed me. I felt physically sick hearing that from my 'best friend'. It was mentioned to me at school one day, and when I went to speak to the school psych, she asked me if I had actually attempted for attention. Is this really the help I get?

This person spread around to everyone that I had attempted suicide for attention. Not long after this, one girl made my life a living hell. She made up rumors. She told everyone that I faked mental issues. When I reported her to the head of upper school, he said he didn't understand why I was upset. Boys in my class asked me if I was an attention seeker. Even people like one of my mum's friend called me an attention seeker. EVERYONE called me an attention seeker. It's sickening.

But, I know I'm not an attention seeker. I have heard it so much that even if I started to believe it at one point.

But I'm not.

Only I know how I'm feeling, and the reason I act the way I do.

I've tried getting my point across to these people, but it has been pointless.

And just like me, you're not an attention seeker because of what you're going through.

Please don't believe it. Only YOU truly know how you're feeling.

'Attention Seeker'

Sophie_M — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 11:25:46 GMT

Hi happyteacup05,

We are so sorry to hear about what you have been through, it sounds really tough. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. The community will be here to listen and chat with you.

If you need some further support you can reach out to Kids helpine 1800 55 1800, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636, Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or your local Headspace. Headspace also provides an online webchat: https://headspace.org.au/eheadspace/

If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.

'Attention Seeker'

quirkywords — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 11:33:06 GMT

happyteacup

This is a good place to share your story honestly and it is a supportive and non judgmental forum.

I am sorry you have been subjected to people's ignorance about mental health and to bullying. I hoped that people were more understanding.

As well suffering from a variety of mental health issues on top of that you have to deal with people who are unsupportive and ignorant.

Well done for taking this first step to write down all that has happened to you. That takes courage.

I have no idea why people called you those names, when you wnated help and the pain to stop.

I am glad you are strong enough to realise they do not understand you.

Are you seeing a GP and getting support.

There are helplines like Beyond Blue that you can ring and talk to train people who will understand and help.

1300 22 4636 or Kids help line . I have just seen Sophie has replied so I wont repeat the numbers.

I wanted to tell you we are listening and you are not alone.

'Attention Seeker'

Centaured — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 12:38:00 GMT

G'day happyteacup

Welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry that happened to you, that people bullied and threaded you, and that if they made you feel insignificant and worthless I'm sorry.

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain and anguish, it must be really hard. You took a brave step reaching out here and I'm sorry that the people in your life youre supposed to count on when you reach out to them laughed in your face and said you were making it up.

Im wondering if you know what might help you right now, and what we could do here to assist.

There's no judgement here. You matter and we are won't call you a liar or attention seeker because you're struggling with something.

'Attention Seeker'

Ramblify — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 15:37:31 GMT

Hi happyteacup,

That sucks that everyone around you suck! They sound immature. I dont think your school counselor's question was out of line, she was just repeating back to you what you told her and asking you if its true. Your reaction/triggered by her/his question is telling as to; you are feeling unheard and in pain . Im sure if you had answered yes to the councillor, they would take it very seriously; unlike you're peer group who simply dont have the understanding or maturity to deal with what you're doing through. Touve come to the right place! People here have a wealth of knowledge; lived experiences and resources to share!

'Attention Seeker'

geoff — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 16:30:07 GMT

Hello Happyteacup, to be called this is certainly way out of line, nobody would ever want to take a chance like this, the repercussions are enormous, especially when your parents lose trust in you and don't aim to find out why this happened because with this, plus the school counsellor and 'friends' at school believing you only did it for attention, is not how this should have been handled.

If this was 'nipped in the bud' by your parents, the school counsellor and your friends, all wanting to assist you through whatever is concerning you, then your situation would have been addressed as it should have been, now you don't know who to trust and who you feel comfortable talking to.

We'd really love to hear back from you, but can I ask is it convenient for you to leave school now or do you have to complete exams as the end of the year is fast approaching.

Take care.

Geoff.

'Attention Seeker'

therising — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 17:54:29 GMT

Hi happyteacup05

From experience, I know it's a life changing moment when you realise for the first time that you actually don't want to leave this world. The attempt is the attempt to stop the pain and then you figure this is not the way I want to stop it. So you suddenly reach out in desperation. When you survive the attempt, the quest to stop the pain, in some other way, begins. It's a major quest, a mind altering life changing one, with varying degrees of progress.

For me, this moment happened many years ago. In hindsight, the way the people around me manged was rather questionable. That 'attention seeker' label is definitely questionable. If my current self could go back in time, I would question 'Should I not have seeked/sought attention in that moment of clarity, where I realised this was not the way to go? Should I not have phoned anyone and instead let it all play out?' Only in that moment was I an attention seeker, looking for someone to help me reverse the choice I'd made, in my loneliest and darkest moment. In that moment of drowning, I put my hand up to be saved. While this is the most accurate way to define attention seeking, the way people generally define it is degrading, that's for sure. The way they make it almost laughable is triggering. That's when you realise the people around you are somewhat insane, in regard to their perception. How can such a potentially catastrophic event become laughable? Why should I be degraded through the toughest choice I've ever come to face in my life, the choice to stay or leave?

happyteacup05, the choice to stay is the toughest choice you can make at the worst time of your life. It's a choice that is worthy of respect, consideration and compassion. It should not be met with ridicule, degradation or rejection. It's the people who can't relate to what the absolute depths of depression can do to a person, who most often say the most ridiculous things.

Even if you weren't after attention, now that you have people's attention how are they actually helping you manage life? If the answer is 'Well, they're all rather depressing', you could consider this as a wake up call to your ability to sense who's depressing and who's not. It can actually be rather mind blowing when you wake up to just how many depressing highly triggering people you can have around you. It's not your fault you can feel them, it points to your ability to feel, an ability you may have had all along.

I'm so glad you chose to stay 🙂

'Attention Seeker'

Just Sara — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 17:58:00 GMT

Hey HT and welcome to the forum;

In addition to what everyone else has posted, I want you to know this isn't your fault ok. Neither is your depression/anxiety etc. Your brain is an organ just like your lungs or liver; if it gets sick from long-term stress, worry or trauma, it doesn't work properly.

Not understanding why we feel the way we do, and not having any control over those feelings is really scary, confusing and frustrating.

Focusing on recovery and mental health as your priority will be more beneficial than worrying about your friends/family at this point. I know that sounds difficult, and I'm not saying you have to ignore them completely, just put things on the back burner for a while so your brain can rest and get better, just like any other part of your body. Coping will become easier as time passes.

A suicide attempt is a cry for help; everyone on this forum knows that. Posting your innermost fears and sharing your experiences here is part of the journey, so please don't worry if you think you can't say what's bothering you. If you don't have space, put 'continued next post' at the bottom and start a new post ok.

You are valuable and important; treat yourself as if you're taking care of someone you love dearly - you deserve this unconditionally. 💙 I have total faith in you...

You can ask questions or ask for help, we'll be here...

Kind thoughts;

Sara x 👵

'Attention Seeker'

Chris_Tas — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 18:37:06 GMT

You aren't an attention seeker.

Like me, you might need help. Please do so as I avoid it to my detriment

Anyone that says that is very native imo

'Attention Seeker'

Chris_Tas — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 18:38:19 GMT

"naive" not native please

'Attention Seeker'

Whimbo — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 23:28:55 GMT

Hi happyteacup05,

I hope these forums are helping you, it seems everyone here is very empathetic, and willing to listen and support you how they can.

People, often those close to us, can often struggle to discuss heavy topics, for various reasons. Claiming that you're an attention seeker may be a defence mechanism.

Parents will take their role as your caretaker so seriously that it becomes such an integral part of their identity, and they may take the fact that you're struggling as a personal attack on their identity, despite the fact that mental health problems stem from an endless range of environmental, biological, and psychological factors, and may not be entirely their fault. Understand that in this case, the issue is with them, not with you.

Of course, you know your parents better than I do, so I could very well be wrong, but I'm just outlining a very common issue - parents will shrug off a child's problems because admitting that there are real issues might lead them to admit that they aren't the caretaker they think they are.

They simply don't have the skillset for these problems, but that's okay. As you've learned yourself, even some (not all) psychological professionals lack some of those skills. It's a tough lesson to learn when you find out that your parents are only human, and I'm so sorry you have to learn that at a young age.

As for the issues you faced at school, I'm sorry to hear about that too. High school was the worst time of my life, and I struggled to find and keep friends too. Something many people don't acknowledge about school is that at that age teenagers are big and strong enough to do physical harm, hormones are running rampant, and their frontal lobes (relating to deep thinking and empathy) literally haven't developed to maturity. If anyone tells you that high-school will be the best time of your life, let them know where they can stick that opinion. A key to surviving adolescence is to keep your head down, seek out the people with at least the slightest bit of empathy, and push on through. Because it gets better. I know that's a reductive and overly-simplistic sentiment, but you will hear it over and over again because there is a lot of truth in it. Seek happiness and calm wherever you can, even though it's hard, because it gets better.

'Attention Seeker'

happyteacup05 — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 23:29:38 GMT

Hi Ramblify,

I understand what you're saying about the counselor. As sick as I felt after hearing it and upsetting as it was, she most likely didn't mean it in the way it came across. I guess I just took it in a negative way due to the fact I had such a bad morning at school and had spent the first 2 hours crying about everything that had happened. I guess anything seemed like an attack to me.

Either way, whether she meant it or not, I still refused to go back and see her after that event. Once again, she almost certainly didn't mean it in that way, but I couldn't risk being hurt like that again. That small act changed my opinion on her completely and really reinforced what others had been saying.

Thanks for replying, hope you're well 🙂

'Attention Seeker'

happyteacup05 — Sun, 05 Dec 2021 23:44:08 GMT

Hi Geoff,

I have thought long and hard the last few months about whether I really should leave school or not. I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave as I'm in year 11 and after this only have 1 year to go. It would mean I would miss out on once in a lifetime opportunities such as the school ball, graduation, leavers, year 12 fun day, etc. Realistically, I would only have 3 terms of school left and then I would leave. But the constant bullying and harassment at school got way out of hand.

My every move was being targeted, everything I did resulted in being bullied somehow. Just small things, like having my old friend group making vomiting and gagging noises at me when I walked past, watching one of my old friends make fun of the way I walk in the reflection of a window. Extreme rumors were made up, for example, a rumor that my nudes had been leaked. It got my anxiety up extremely high and I was terrified to go to school the whole of that week (until I was told that one of my old mates had made it up).

The bullying affected my education. I couldn't concentrate in class, and although already having low grades, my grades increasingly dropped. One of my teachers pulled me aside one lesson and even asked if I was having issues with bullying as I seemed really off and not as focused.

The bullying turned to cyber bullying, as I started to receive messages online. Although I had blocked these people, they always found ways to contact me, most commonly through old groupchats on instagram or snapchat.

I started to get food thrown at me, and things yelled at me. Before one of my final exams this year, this girl started yelling out things to me and started saying things that she knew would get to me. So i missed half an hour of my 3 hour exam because I was outside, being comforted by a teacher.

It took a while to convince my parents, but they agreed if I finish this year and complete all my exams, I can leave school and start study at TAFE where I will be doing a course to help me with my future of becoming a teacher.

I wish I could've pushed through, I really do. But at this point, I genuinely couldn't push anymore. It has affected me so tremendously. I used to love school. It was one of my favourite places to be, I never wanted to go on holidays. But sadly not anymore. By the end of it, I was sat in the bathroom at recess and lunch.

I needed a fresh start, away from all these people. I'm excited for next year, I really am.

From here, things can only get better 🙂