topic Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Wed, 17 Jun 2020 17:29:48 GMT

I feel so lost and clueless. I’m halfway though a degree I’m not sure I want to do anymore for a career I’m not sure I’m suited for. I’ve talked to a career counsellor, program advisor and the people in charge of the different majors but I still feel as clueless as I was before. I’m failing my classes not because I can’t complete them but because I can’t get myself to do anything. I’ve been seeing the mental health nurses since last year and a psychologist since the end of last year. It feels like nothing has really been helping, which is mostly my fault. I stopped doing progressive muscle relaxation exercises after being really frustrated and unable to calm down. I know that its not the point of doing the exercises, but I can’t clear my mind enough to go through with them anymore. I only started walking again recently after stopping 2-3 months ago. I can’t get myself to change when everything feels pointless and meaningless. The psychologist says I need to just focus on living in the moment, but I can’t get myself to stop worrying about the future and jobs and careers and university and everything. I can’t figure out what to do, looking at future career pathways only stresses me out more and I can’t see myself being happy or enjoying or tolerating anything. I don’t know what to do and theres not much I can do about it without trying things but I can’t spend my whole life failing university courses over and over like im doing now. I can’t do anything right. I need to sleep earlier but I can’t stop worrying. I spend too much time in my room but there’s nowhere for me to go besides walking in the afternoon. There’s too much I need to be doing but im not doing anything. I don’t remember what worked and if medication did anything. I don’t think I can be happy with life. Getting to do what you want feels like a luxury that you need to work for but I don’t really want what I used to want anymore. I don’t get myself to do anything because it feels like the end result will be the same. I’m tired of regretting things. I’ll regret everything no matter what I do.

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

Sophie_M — Wed, 17 Jun 2020 17:36:37 GMT

Dear Geelt,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We can see how lost you might be feeling at the moment and hope you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

romantic_thi3f — Thu, 18 Jun 2020 00:09:14 GMT

Hi geelt,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here and reaching out.

I feel myself just getting antsy reading your post so I'm imagining you're in this constant state of anxiety not knowing what to do. I'm sorry things are so hard right now and I hope you're able to find some comfort within the forums.

I'm glad that you reached out and shared what's going on for you - not just here of course but also to your career counsellor, mental health nurse and psychologist. I'm pretty familiar with all of those exercises they are trying to get you to practice - mindfulness - but it's so hard because it's like trying to get your brain to settle while it's on speed.

What does your psychologist/career counsellor suggest in terms of your study - does she think you should keep going?

I wonder if it might be an option to take a break from your course? The pressure you are putting on yourself is enormous so being able to have that distance can allow yourself to breathe and really brainstorm. I know that I've always felt pressure on myself to make sure that I do and enrol in the right thing and that can feel really heavy. Especially since there isn't really a right answer - you may find that most of the students in your course decide it's not for them too. As much as our worry seems like it fills a purpose, the majority of us never really have it figured out.

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

missep123 — Thu, 18 Jun 2020 03:05:36 GMT

Hi geelt and welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I know many people who have gone through this as well. It can be very overwhelming to try to figure out our career path and what we like.

From my own experience, volunteering has really helped me to figure out what I want to do without the pressure or locked in contract. Would this be an option for you?

romantic_thi3f also mentioned the possibility of a break. How do you feel about this?

One thing that I like to remind myself when I am starting to become anxious is to breathe. Deep breathing is so underrated but can be really helpful.

Here for you!

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 14:41:35 GMT

Thanks for responding rt. The psychologist told me to I look at different study options such as TAFE or other courses that are more practical and hands on compared to my current course. I was looking and writing down what I though about different certificates or degrees on the TAFE website but I nothing really stands out to me. If anything it has been adding to my list of worries. I did alright with most of the classes, things only got bad when there was a lot of collaboration and talking going on. It was hard for me to think during those classes and when it came to my turn to participate in discussions I had nothing to say and could barely remember what was going on and I felt so useless.

I've thought about taking a break from my course but it feels like it's only delaying the inevitable. I've essentially been doing nothing related to University work since March and it hasn't been pleasant, I don't think I can think about what to do if I actually took a long break from Uni. The pressure of Uni will be replaced with worry about some other thing. I don't want to stay at home and uni has been my only excuse to go out and do something. I don't want to talk about it to my parents either. My sister is also going to be graduating soon and I don't want to be seen as a failure or useless by my family. It doesn't matter when I graduate but its irritating whenever my parents compare me to someone else and I don't want to give them even more reasons to do so. There's so many things I've already failed and gotten everyone disappointing and frustrated. I should not be caring about what other people say but I don't like making my parents feel ashamed of me anymore.

I don't have any goals or things I want to achieve anymore. Theres too many things I don't want to do and that it limits what I can do. I know pressure, worry and stress are a part of life and they are unavoidable no matter what I do.

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 15:03:41 GMT

Hi and thanks for replying missep. I was told by a career counsellor to try volunteer work relating to my degree but I don't remember finding anything. I remember a teacher saying that I should try volunteering at a community during school but I never got around to doing it and its probably too late. There's also some personal reasons why I didn't go volunteer there but that's irrelevant now. I should look at any local volunteer work. I need to force myself to interact with people and volunteer work would probably be a good starting point. I don't want to have to tell my parents about if I do volunteer work but I probably will have to unless I get my 'P' plate so I can drive myself. I'll probably get in the way and inconvenience whoever I try volunteering for I always find a way to mess up simple tasks. University is starting again in about 2 weeks so I won't have time to volunteer unless i take a break from university but i have no idea if that will be possible. If i take a break im going to need to repeat 2 more years or if i do the this trimester i only need to repeat 1 more year either way im going to take longer than i should to complete my degree. thats if i keep doing it. I still need to talk to the person in charge of my degree to discuss enrolment and other things.

Whenever I try taking deep breaths it feels like it makes me more anxious. I'm think im not doing it the right way.

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

missep123 — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 01:13:26 GMT

Hi geelt,

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'm really glad that you have been seeing your psychologist and career counsellor. I'm also really glad that you have been reaching out on this platform as well and I hope that it's been giving you some comfort!

I can totally understand where you're coming from in terms of volunteering. Let's try to figure out together the things that you enjoy doing! What kinds of things gives you happiness or joy?

I'm here for you!

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Tue, 30 Jun 2020 06:39:35 GMT

Hi,

Nothing has really been enjoyable lately, I have no idea what brings me joy or happiness anymore. I used to like drawing but I haven't enjoyed it since university. I should not have studied design and had to try figuring out how to make money from being creative even though most the classes had very little to do with being creative or design in general. I used to like reading but I never touch most of the books I borrow nowadays.

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

missep123 — Wed, 01 Jul 2020 06:46:17 GMT

Hi geelt,

I'm sorry to hear that nothing has been enjoyable lately. Have you mentioned this to your psychologist?

Please correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like drawing used to be your hobby but since your degree focused on trying to make it a career and how to make money from it rather than being creative, it took the enjoyment out of it. Is that right?

I like reading too but even for me if I have a stack of books to read then they don't get touched. One thing I do to generate excitement and interest in reading again is to watch book youtubers! My favourite one is 'Books with Emily Fox'. The way she describes plot lines and recommendations makes me look forward to getting back into reading.

Thank you for keeping us updated! We're here for you!

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Fri, 03 Jul 2020 19:15:33 GMT

I have not said anything to the psychologist. Half the time i'm just sitting there feeling like an idiot for not knowing how to respond and not saying anything because my head is empty. Seeing them feels like a waste of time and its my fault, I don't know what I want to get out of my appointments anymore. I wrote something ages ago but I don't remember anything. I'm not putting any effort into getting better and I won't get better or improve anything.

My degree didn't have much drawing. I thought it was going to involve more being creative and learning design theory and software or something like that but it turns out we pretty much had to do all of that in our own time. It never felt like I learnt anything to do with design in my classes or I just forgot everything right after. I don't know. I guess design has barely anything to do with being creative in the way I want to. Drawing feels pointless when I won't have the time to do it. I don't want to be constantly learning a bunch of random things that I will need to keep on doing just to hope that maybe something will be relevant to what I end up doing in the future and most of those things will have to be done outside of University. If I want the best chance to get a job I need to learn coding, 3D rendering and modeling, CAD, dozens of different softwares that I probably wont end up using, video editing, photography, animation, graphic design, design for print and other things I don't really want to do but I need to be flexible if I wan't to get a job that I probably won't end up enjoying. Too many things then I'll be too drained to do things I want to do but I'm not sure if I want to do them anymore.

Most the books I end up borrowing are about drawing. I haven't had the chance to watch any of the videos on her channel but it looks interesting. One of my main worries is that I get too excited or have unrealistic expectations but then I end up getting myself disappointing or it not turning out how as good as I thought it would be or something, which is my fault for getting too eager that it affects my expectations. It feels like its like that for a lot of things. I don't want to get inspired to write my own things either. I don't want to think about some random bad idea and just focus on studying or something but I still can't focus because I still don't knmow if I want to do it but this is just thoughts that wont end up helping

thank you for replying

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

therising — Fri, 03 Jul 2020 20:18:24 GMT

Hi geelt

The challenges you face sound incredibly overwhelming. As I said to my daughter just yesterday 'Don't you wish someone would just show up at the door, invite you into a life you'd love, that would excite you and bring you to life, and they'd guide you through it every step of the way?' Of course, she said 'Yes'. Most of us would love such a person in our life. Such a person would tell us to stop doing what doesn't bring us joy and satisfaction. Without a doubt, we'd feel relieved.

Can definitely be tough to give our self permission to stop doing what doesn't bring us joy or satisfaction. You touched on one aspect that can make it so difficult - disappointing others. When I say that I don't mind disappointing others, this has taken me years to master. Giving my own meaning to the word 'disappointment' is what helped make the difference: Someone appoints me to play or fill a particular role or I appoint myself to such a role. If such a role leads me to experience ongoing sufferance, I will disappoint myself from that role. If I remain in it, I also remain in the role of 'She who continues suffering' and that's definitely no way to live. Sometimes the option may be to stay in that role and master its challenges to the point where I'm no longer suffering. Depends on the situation. I feel how people react to the disappointment is part of the the process sometimes. That's their challenge to overcome.

For me, disappointment is a regular experience that is a constructive part of my evolution. It's about letting go, so as to move on. I do find myself in a sort of limbo at times, wondering who I'm going to be. In other words, while I may discover what I don't want to do any longer, at the same time I'm not sure what I do want to do. I tend to meditate on wondering, looking for inspiration. Life can definitely feel unsatisfying at times, until we become inspired. Amazing how many people will remain fixated on the disappointment we challenge them with, as opposed to turning to inspiring us. What's the deal with that?

Imagine if your full time job involved gradually discovering who you are and are not. In between and throughout this job you also worked a bit (to bring in some cash to play with) and you went to uni or not (if you wish). How would you handle this full time job? Would it interest you in working hard to know yourself better in so many ways? Such a job is an interesting one, indeed, and sometimes pretty exciting (with a lot of 'Aha!' moments).

🙂

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

ecomama — Fri, 03 Jul 2020 20:42:31 GMT

Dear geelt

You sound like I've felt in the past. I had anxiety AND depression (and PTSD but that's an added story lol).

I hear you.

Please know that many people feel like you do and you are not alone. We are all here for you.
KNOW YOU CAN GET BETTER. I'm doing very well now. (I also completed degrees so I get you).

The MAIN THING right now is for you to get through this period of time. It will pass. You can command your thoughts - they are YOURS after all. We'll get there, you've got this.

I hope you know that it's during University Courses when many people have the onset of Mental Unwellness.

I'm going to ask you one question. You can close your eyes and feel what your answer might be for today, if you want to....there's no rush at all.

Do you really feel that you WANT to complete a Degree?
It feels like you do.... IDK.
I'm not asking what you want to do for a job or a career or anything like that in the future.... just that question and just how you feel today.
I have a strategy for you to consider, depending on your answer.

There are endless possibilities for your future. But I want you to focus on TODAY and replacing all your ruminating thoughts about the future with ONLY thoughts for today.

Really break it down. I'll go first... and notice my words are in the positive...
* I'm going to eat a healthy breakfast of cereal and chai tea
* I'll take the dog for a walk, he loves that!
* I'll see what's on BB forums
* I'll phone a friend
* If I feel overwhelmed I will call a helpline
* I'm doing some work in the garden today
* I'll watch some comedy on TV tonight
* I'll have a long hot bath
* I'll read before bed or if I'm not in the mood, I'll listen to a meditation CD.

It can just read: good food, walk, talk, breathe, bath, bed.

Depression can make us think that we can't do anything and anxiety can make us think we have no control over anything. They are both liars lol!

With depression we need UPLIFTING things to bring us joy and with anxiety we need grounding things to bring us back to earth (I've been way out in the stratosphere lol) and back to the moment. They interchange etc.

Overcoming depression was what I did first. I didn't even know I had major anxiety. Then I found out and was able to cleanse both from my system 99% of the time.

There are some strategies than can help heal both; self-care practices, watching comedies and mindfulness training are included.

Any questions?

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

Frosty_34 — Sat, 04 Jul 2020 12:23:46 GMT

Geelt,

Wonderfully described on your situation, thoughts and actions.

Maybe escaping that industry your in and reaching out to something else will help you get your passion back.

I feel your struggle, i face the same stuff, different industry but I have no enthusiasm and confidence anymore.

Not even sure what to say anymore

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Fri, 10 Jul 2020 14:20:54 GMT

Hi,

It would be incredible if something like that would happen. Kind of frustrating that its unrealistic.

I never thought of it that way, what kind of role I've been given by those around me. Its really hard to know situations I should keep on suffering with or to let go. I guess it's my role to better accept and find peace with my failures, which is hard when I'm too caught up with regret.

I keep appointing myself with roles or thinking about the possibilities then not doing enough planning or thinking, focusing too much on the final result instead of the steps to get there. Then I end up disappointing myself about that. I find it really hard to let things go. I guess I'm still stuck in that limbo stage. Sometimes I don't want to get inspired by things because inspiration doesn't do anything unless I act on it and invest work and time into it, which I never let myself do. I won't ever be satisfied with life if I keep this up, giving myself unrealistic goals and fantasising about how great things will be when I get there. Pretty much setting myself up for failure thinking like this, thinking too far ahead. Even then the grass is greener on the other side. It wont be 100% that things will go my way. Probably why people focus on the disappointments, they just want the results ASAP. I'm one of those people aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I honestly would struggle with discovering who I am. I can't really wrap my head around that, it feels like a daunting job. It would be interesting and scary as well. It would be a waste to go through life without knowing the full extent of who I am. There would be doubts whether or not what I find out is how I actually feel as well. I've never worked hard in my life because i'm garbage. Change is scary. I don't know if I like finding or figuring things out. Will I even be able to juggle things or will i forget to discover myself with everything else I have to do. Can i even do it. I'll probably save all money then be sad that i didnt spend it but then be sad that i did spend it. i never workeddd for my own money really which is pathetic and I keep letting my parents and study from stopping me from trying to get a job. I don;t see myself handling finding out who i am and uni and work and everything ellse witout getting burnt oujt or something I don't know. I just have to attempt it maybe. how do i find out who I am or not. Part of the journey ffor me to figure it out isnt it.

I appreciate the reply, I hope I interpreted things right.

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Fri, 10 Jul 2020 14:47:46 GMT

Hi,

Thanks for the kind words.

I can say that i'll get better, me going ahead and working on getting better is a different thing altogether.

Controlling my thoughts is something I struggle with. I keep trying to remind myself I'm in charge but it just feels like I'm yelling at a fire and telling it to go out or something. I need to do things that actually help me control my thoughts. I keep jumping from distractions to keep my mind off it but this just leads to more problems. I know it isn't the right way to go about it.

I really wish I had more time to think about University before I actually went through with it, but even then I don't think it would have made much of a difference. I guess I needed to have firsthand experience and struggle for everything to sink in and realise these things.

I honestly don't want to complete a degree in the way I currently am doing it. I don't want to get a degree by winging everything and doing things just for the sake of doing it. I want to complete a degree where I learn important skills that can be transferred to different areas and create connections that will be beneficial. I already regret not learning effective study skills or any other skills from school and I don't want Uni to be a repeat of this. I'm not getting any of this the way I'm currently doing things. I'm just going to end up with a worthless piece of paper at this rate. I don't have any other alternatives that I want to do so I'm stuck doing this degree. The psychologist said it was better than having no degree and doing nothing.

Its too late/early in the day for me to write my thoughts for today so I wrote down an average day for me.

I'll wake up and either eat or not
I'll check things online (emails
I'll surf the web for pointless things
I'll watch youtube videos about things I want to do/interested in
I'll think about doing those things/ plan
I'll make a mess in my room
I'll find an excuse not to go for a walk
I'll tidy up my room
Browse and read things online as an unhealthy way to waste time
I'll shower
I'll have trouble going to bed because of a poor sleep schedule then do nothing about it

Theres alot of things I should be doing but I don't do them. I distract myself with pointless things because it easier than trying to improve which is a pathetic thing to do and I know it is. I don't do enough things that make me happy or clear my mind.

I can't think of any questions at the moment. Thanks for the reply.

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Fri, 10 Jul 2020 14:52:42 GMT

Hi,

I don't have any other options so I can't escape for now.

I don't have the emotional or mental maturity to really give an appropriate reply, sorry.

There are times when we can't say anything and just have to see where things go.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

therising — Fri, 10 Jul 2020 22:06:47 GMT

Hi geelt

When it comes to understanding our self, I believe it's not necessarily a matter of figuring out who we're going to be in the future on some grand scale. I believe figuring out who we are is really about all the tiny revelations we have along the way. I know this sounds a little romantic but it's been my experience. I left depression behind me almost 15 years ago and it's been quite a trip since. While I've researched a lot of interesting aspects of human nature along the way, including paying attention to my own nature, only in the last 10 months does it feel like everything suddenly 'downloaded' and made sense. So, getting to know our self is an incredibly gradual process and ongoing.

The process often begins with questioning. This is significant. It simply means we question the life we're experiencing. Why does it feel so uncomfortable? What am I doing wrong to be feeling like this? What influences are contributing to me feeling like this (physical chemistry and environment for example)? Why am I so lacking in energy? Why am I experiencing such a lack of motivation? It can seem like an endless list of questions yet all questions are valid, as they indicate what we don't wish to settle for. We can feel so unsettled to the point where it feels intolerable and we could just about scream. Sometimes, the least we do is cry. Somehow, we vent our intolerance.

I can tell you're a naturally reasonable person. You need good reasons to make the changes you deeply wish to make, reasons that would push you to motivation. You need good reasons to invest in coming to know yourself better. Would you say one of the challenges you face involves the challenge in finding good reason/s? Someone could say 'You should go for a walk, it's good for you' but you may be left thinking 'Going for a thoroughly boring walk is not good enough reason to get out of the house'. I wouldn't blame you. Give me an exciting walk, something that would lead me to feel pumped/happy. Would you say you're a reasonable person in unreasonable circumstances? If so, you can add this knowledge to the understanding of your nature: You are someone who seeks reason. You can gradually begin to naturally question and identify all unreasonable circumstances. It becomes one of your new abilities that guides you through life and the choices you make within it.

In the process of seeking reason/s for your own behaviour and the behaviour of others, you also enter the process of finding meaning.

🙂

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

Frosty_34 — Sun, 12 Jul 2020 04:46:26 GMT

No need for apologies here mate , im feeling your pain and i understand what your going through..i live it daily too

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Sun, 12 Jul 2020 14:06:31 GMT

Hi therising,

Its difficult to stick through or get myself to go through situations that will let me understand more about myself. I just keep sticking to what I already know/ done with little variation. Not experiencing anything different makes everything feel clumped together and indistinguishable. I've seen some things about 'No Zero Days' or doing 1 new thing everyday so it does not feel like a waste, I am just not being proactive about it. I haven't been putting enough effort in figuring out who I am for most my life so far, It would be nice to eventually put in the effort and go for a less passive approach towards motivation or pushing myself to do things. I don't know if I can handle the gradual and slow process.

I question myself too much without trying to find any answers. I guess I just don't want to realise or think about the fact that the answer and the solutions are things that are easy but I just cannot get myself to solve them or that they weren't even problems in the first place and I'm just making problems for myself for no practical reason. I need to find a healthy outlet to vent.

Finding a good reason IS something that's hard for me. Maybe its more that I want things to be predicable or stable and structured, I'm not too sure. I can't justify or come to terms with the risks or uncertainty of some things and look for valid reasons to do things, but some of the things I wan't are impossible without taking risks. I think I find EVERYTHING to be unreasonable to some extent. I would say that I'm not exactly reasonable but more of a wishful thinker. If I want an exciting walk I would imagine how it would be exciting and anything that doesn't match what I thought would be a letdown no matter how pleasant it would be. I'm not sure if that is how I think or something I just typed because it sounded good. Reason is nice in this unreasonable world we live in.

Thanks for the reply

Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt — Sun, 12 Jul 2020 14:21:08 GMT

Hi missep,

I watched some of Emily Fox's videos and they made me want to read some new books, there were some interesting topics and plot points. I should see if I can buy or borrow some from a library later.