topic Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic — Mon, 15 Jun 2020 23:48:00 GMT

Hi,

since finding out my husband of 12 years cheated & lied to me for the whole relationship yet portraying himself as a champion of women & a totally devoted empathetic husband my life has gone from one disaster after another. My 21 year old son had seizures & was in icu in feb. Unknown cause & he still can’t drive, still going for lots of tests & specialist appts, my 2 cats died in the last 6 months. I had to put my beloved horse down last Friday. My job ends in 2 weeks & I don’t have another. And my now ex is being horrendous about the property settlement. I’ve had to hire a lawyer at $500 an hour to even get just 50% which the ex is only conceding to give me 44%. That’s the measure of his fake remorse. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Bullshit. There’s only so much you can take before your permanently damaged. I had an ultrasound to check a cyst yesterday & was disappointed to learn the cyst has shrunk. Ovarian cancer would have been a graceful way out of the shitstorm that is my life.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Sophie_M — Tue, 16 Jun 2020 00:10:04 GMT

Hi Chumptastic,

Thank you for taking such a brave step in sharing this with us. We're so sorry for all you've been through in the past couple of years and we want you to know that our valued online forums community is here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Please know that help is always available to you. We recommend reaching out to our support service anytime day or night on 1300 22 4636. We also have a dedicated Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service - https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/ - which has a lot of practical information about dealing with things like job loss in these times of pandemic as well as a specially trained qualified mental health professionals available 24/7 via phone and webchat.

Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Croix — Mon, 22 Jun 2020 13:09:50 GMT

Dear Chumptastic~

I regret the length of time you have had to wait since Sophie_M’s reply to you. Normally someone else would have come along, however sometimes the system does not work as we would like. Please be assured it is not you, nor the subject of our post, just sometimes it happens.

If it is any consolation I was hoping for lung cancer when I felt the while world was crashing down, it would have made things easy, or so I thought at the time.

Things do pile up and it is only natural to feel depressed and hopeless, however I rather suspect that underneath it all you are not the giving up type. The fist reason is you tried writing here, you did not have to, and setting out your life would have been difficult, as well as depressing.

The second reason is you are fighting that unfair settlement, not meekly taking it.

So everything hit. To find you so called empathetic husband was a cheat and liar after 12 years would have been devastating, not only with practical difficulties but the sense of betrayal and also perhaps a little self doubt – undeserved but often happens.

You are a loving and empathetic person and such behavior would be outside our experience and alien. I hope you are angry - or get angry, it helps. The empathy I see comes though talking of your son, the cats and your poor horse.

An undiagnosed seizure is a right pain, not only do you have the worry as to what it might be, but not being able to drive either -how is he taking it?

I’ve no idea about things making you stronger. I do know that to cope with everything on your plate you need to be in the best possible shape, physically and mentally. This of course means exercise, nutrition, the best sleep you can manage and most importantly something to enjoy once a day. Something to look forward to as both a self-reward and distraction from the ills around you. Seems trivial, I found it is not.

I use books and movies, what is there for you?

It also means if you have family or a friend to lean on, now is the exact right time

I do hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

May Tee Tee — Mon, 22 Jun 2020 20:44:29 GMT

I too have a similar story loss, loss and more loss.

My partner of 23 years was also so terribly deceitful.

Things do in time change for the better.

Consistent regular exercise, great nutrious food and when you feel time is right a new fury friend. 🙏

Certainly reach for professional support.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 03:10:36 GMT

Thank you Croix

I’d actually forgotten that I’d posted this. Anyway an update

my job ended and I’ve received a verbal yes about a 3 month contract but then the contract hasn’t eventuated.
ive been applying for jobs everywhere but again no news.
now and then I get super angry with the ex and everything he’s put me thru. Yes I’m still fighting for justice on the settlement front. I found out ex is in a relationship with someone else, did some sleuthing & found her email address and wrote to her. I said if she ever needed to know the reasons why ex & I split to contact me & I gave her my number. If I can help one woman to avoid the hell ivebeen put thru then good.
also talked to someone at 1800respect about the sexual abuse/assault that ex also put me thru. They said to call rape crisis centre. Haven’t done that as yet.
been very suicidal lately. Have been reaching out to friends. I don’t want to die but the pain goes on and on. But my boys don’t deserve to go thru the grief of me dying. Just wish the pain would end. GP has put me on highest dose of anti depressants & it’s not doing anything. So sad & unmotivated

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Sophie_M — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 03:41:16 GMT

Hi Chumptastic,

We're sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment and have been feeling suicidal lately. We understand you might be feeling sad and unmotivated, you've been through so much and we understand it is exhausting. Please know that things can always improve with the right treatment and support, and this can all take some time. Our Support Service is trying to get in contact with you to check in and offer you some support.

You might find some of the following Beyond Blue resources helpful:

"Feeling suicidal" -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal
"Staying well" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well

Please feel free to keep us updated on your journey whenever you're feeling up to it.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

smallwolf — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 08:12:55 GMT

Hi. I read your story and very sad to hear how you have been treated by your partner. I can't imagine what thoughts and feelings you would be having.

In your latest post you mentioned the medication not doing anything. If I could suggest one thing - keep notes of how you feel with the medication; it may be the case a different one is works better for you. And keep in contact with your GP regarding the medication.

Would like to know how you are going.

Peace to you.

Tim

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Croix — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 09:50:44 GMT

Dear 'Tastic~

Yes I know, I'm not going to call you be a derogatory name, it is not you. Trusting and generous, yes, and that's it.

I do have two things I want to say, plus some more ordinary stuff.

Anger is good. I was suicidal and tried to take my life when my employer used me up and later simply invalided me out. However that got taken over more and more by anger at them and how I had been treated -and I used that anger when despair had left me with nothing but loss and pain. It helps, a little strenght when you think you have none.

Reporting matters to a rape crises center is fine, but can result in a long and hard experience, which you may not be able to easily cope with right now. May I suggest your doctor simply send them a note registering the possibility you may notify them but you are not in a medical position to do so at the moment? That holds your options open either way.

Trying to decide anything when thoughts of taking your life are present is not good.

What is better is to reach for help. Even though anger helped sustain me it was not enough be itself, I needed others. You have your GP, which is good, do you also have counseling? I'm very glad you are reaching out to friends, that is exactly right.

When overwhelmed and with no hope to stop the pain the sound of a human voice can help. I suggest the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who you can contact more than once without having to repeat yourself. They are compassionate and sensible -realistic and not likely to overreact, just enough.

You have been injured, dealt an enormous blow, and recovery takes you, your kids, friends and professionals. You will get there, as did I.

Write as often as you like, you are not alone with this

Croix

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 03:09:59 GMT

Thank you all for your replies it means a lot. I’m physically unwell today & don’t know if it’s bc of the D or I’m actually sick. Took my meds this morning & 15mins later they came back up unexpectedly. Unbelievably tired & dizzy. Have yo go to GP this afternoon but have no idea how I’m going to get ther. It’s 45 min drive. Everything is slowing down. Should contact my supervisor about the contract I’m supposed to start but can’t don’t have thr words. Was meant to have lunch with a friend but cancelled. I think I probs need hospital but they make u feel so shit in those places.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Tangney — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 13:40:47 GMT

Hi tastic. I'm someone who reacts badly to lots of anti-depressant medications. I'm not saying it's definitely the case, but I've had the same experience you describe so maybe that's the reason. It's really hard when you've been betrayed by someone you were intimate with. I hope you're ok and that you get though this. I agree with what you say about the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I hate that saying. You don't need to go through this to be strong.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

SarahZ — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 03:04:37 GMT

Hi Chumptastic,

Thanks for reaching out and being so raw with your emotions - that takes a lot of courage. I'm really sorry to hear about your husband's behaviour and all the pain and sorrow you must be currently feeling. Betrayal by someone you trusted so deeply is an indescribable feeling. I can't image how drained you must also feel dealing with your ex. The whole process sounds like a pain to deal with. I do agree the sterile layout of hospitals never feel that most comfortable to visit. However, please do try your best visiting a GP if you feel physically unwell. Do you have someone you're really close with you can talk to for a bit? Being alone with our thoughts can be helpful in thinking things out, but I always find venting out my frustrations to someone the most beneficial. Even though people might not have any advice, just getting rid of all these worries and just for someone to listen can be feel really relieving.

Please take good care of yourself. If you feel up to it, please continue updating us.

We will always be here listening to you and supporting you.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Jen_W — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 06:36:27 GMT

Hi Chumptastic -

I'm sorry to hear about what probably seems like an endless list of less-than-ideal things happening in your life. I feel like it's easy to do as well when I find myself listing all of the bad things. If it were just one thing, it wouldn't feel as bad, but when it feels like piles of crap, things can feel totally overwhelming.

As cliche as this will probably sound, try to look towards the positive things in your life. I know it's hard, and it doesn't seem like it will help, but if you try your hardest to think about your life from a different perspective, it can make all the difference. For example, it's awful to hear about your son and his seizures, but...he's still with you and alive. And even though your job has ended, and you don't have a new role yet, perhaps you can view it as a new opportunity to work on learning new skills or taking up a new role. And it's great news that your cyst has shrunk in size. That's definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. I know you wished for different, but if you add it to the good list rather than the bad, it can change your perspective.

Also...this is a big one - please give yourself heaps of credit for pushing through this. Not everyone is equipped with the tools or perseverance to keep on keeping on, but you have...and continue to do so. You are much stronger than you realise.

Hang in there, and do let us know how you are - regardless of how you feel 🙂

Jen

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 01:59:20 GMT

Thank you all for your comments and support. I saw my GP on monday & he was helpful. I told him about the abuse during the relationship, something I hadn' told him about before. I feel very ashamed about it all. He's given me options (anti-psychotics/seeing a psychiatrist/hospital) but wants me to wait a week for the increased dose of anti-d to kick in. Yesterday was better day but today I woke up nauseous & dizzy and very down. Had too much to drink last night.The contract I was supposed to start last week has again been verbally confirmed but now there's confusion on total hours & the end date. Still haven't seen the contract. I'm in no fit state to work. Don't know what to do. finally sold the property I have with ex but as we havn't got a family law settlement the money will sit in a trust account until we work it out. Trying to sell engagement+wedding ring to pay my vet bills but no luck so far. I know there's billions of people worse off than me & I feel guilty feeling this way when I'm in such a better place than most. ANother rejection of a job application this morning - 3 so far. I've always been able to get a job no worries in the past so I'm getting v nervous about future now... Feel like such a failure. All my qualifications count for nothing in these times. I got my PhD during time I was with ex & I couldnt have done it without him, all the good things/times in my life were with him-& I haven't been this mentally unwell since 2003, before I met him. i thought he adored me but it was all a lie.. all the good times in my life happened with a narcissist that lied,& lied & lied. whole life has been either a fraud or unhappy/depressed. If I was well enough I'd put my plan into action. No way out.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Tangney — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 03:44:33 GMT

Hi Chumptastic. I've been through a similar betrayal as you have described. It was many years ago that my path crossed that of a pathological liar and sociopath. I has been about 14 years since I discovered the true situation. At the time it was very traumatic and effects of it still linger, but it's nowhere near as raw as it was during that first year and I am now able to go for long periods without thinking about it at all. I hope it doesn't take you too long for you to get to a place where this person has no longer has any power in your life. It's easier said than done, but you will make it. I still wonder how I was so badly duped and I lost confidence in my own judgement. The memory of the pain and humiliation of it is something I don't like to recall. It was a horrible time in my life so if that was anything like what you're now going through, my heart goes out to you. I'm also unemployed at the moment and understand how you feel about your qualifications seemingly counting for nothing. I haven't applied for any work for several weeks now, as I've lost all hope and have been badly affected by the many knock backs, so all power to you for continuing to push through it. I wish I could do the same. I hope you are able to find some medication and support that will see you over this hump and on to a better future.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 06:02:40 GMT

Thanks Tangney, I'm glad you were able to work thru the betrayal enough to not think about it daily. I hope I'm able to do that one day. It will take years and years. I still feel so stupid about being so duped for so long. I don't think anyone who hasn't been thru this has any idea how damaging it is. I didn't that's for sure. There's still a part of me that loves & misses him & what we had, But it was all lies and not real. That really hurts. And the rejection from the job appl is really a downer. And my horse dying. And nothing getting better

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 22:08:03 GMT

Went to GP yesterday & told him of my suicidal thoughts. He said I probably need hospital. But I said I need to work. He gave me some meds & a letter to take to hospital if I need to go & made me promise not to harm myself before I saw him on Friday. I took the meds last night & woke up feeling v dizzy v v down & vvv suicidal. In bed wishing I wasn’t here at all. Can’t do anything

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Sophie_M — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 23:33:59 GMT

Dear Chumptastic,

Thank you for showing such bravery in sharing this with us. We are so sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now.

Our support service is trying to get in touch as we are worried about you.

Please keep checking in a letting us know how you're feeling whenever you are up to it.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Lillipilli80 — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 01:18:12 GMT

Hi Chumptastic,

I'm so sorry to read about the really difficult path you are travelling right now. I hope you have been in contact with the BB support service, how are you feeling today?

I can relate to your experience. My world collapsed around me and I was the one left to carry the load plus try to process the betrayal, its so hard. That feeling of being duped, having the wool pulled over your eyes is so painful. The love probably was real at some point, only you would know that in your heart.

As others have said it's the first year after such a traumatic breakup that is the hardest. You are doing so well in an impossible situation. One thing I can share with you is that although it is hard to hear, you will be stronger because of it, it's only when you are faced with the most challenging times that you grow the most. You might not want it but thats whats happening, your son will see you being strong and he will respect you for that. Just take one day at a time.

You sound like a very intelligent caring and loving person and mother. Keep reaching out for support and we are here for you.

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

leesy_lou — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 01:33:48 GMT

Hi Chumptastic,

The level of hardship you have faced since finding out about your husbands huge betrayal does sound incredible devastating, impossible to put into words. I pain of having to discover some truths about your husband and your relationship is a huge loss, followed by the loss of your horse and your job. I can imagine life without these supports is far from easy and incredible foreign. This things likely made up parts of you as a person so having to re-discover yourself without them is extremely bizarre and vulnerable. You mentioned not knowing you were are or Know that you are still you, under all those layers of people, places, and feeling you were always you and you still are. Maybe now its hard to see but I assure you with time you will grow to become more familiar with yourself again ❤️ Is their anything at the moment that makes you feel a little bit like you?

I hear you saying that the thoughts of suicide are stronger today, that you are tired and that your physically feeling dizzy and unwell. I also hear your GP has suggested you go to the hospital but you need to work and you dont really like the hospital environment which are both understandable. But I'm concerned about you at the moment and your safety, protecting you from these thoughts at this particular moment is important. You mentioned that the pain you carry is heavy but that ended it all and placing pain on your children is not an option for you. I also hear so many glimpses of hope for a better future for yourself, in your ability to continually show up day in day out on this forum and with your GP. That despite the pain you want to live. Considering this, how can we all support you to make a plan to keep you safe from these thoughts today? Is safe planning something you have done in the past?

Deep breaths ❤️

Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 01:41:40 GMT

Thank you LP

just spoke with BB counsellor who connected me to nsw mental health nurse who sounded really annoyed not compassionate at all. Feel worse and scared for having spoken to her. She basically said if I don’t go to hospital willingly she’ll get the ambulance which is my worst nightmare so humiliating. I told her o have a Skype psych apppt for 1.30 today & she said she’ll call me after that. I want to wait Until my Gp appointment tomorrow to go to hospital he is the only one I trust He’s been ther for me through earlier breakdowns n I want to wait for my appt then. Should have lied to her about how I feel. She’s made it worse.